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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Few comments:
I spent up until 11pm writing the last of this chapter, adding 3,100 words in the last portion.
I'll be going over it for any typo's and errors tomorrow, but right now I need to be up in... 6 hours time for work.
No official song for this chapter, however, I do find that this song (Coheed&Cambria - keeping the blade) goes pretty damn well for it somewhere at the end or so.
If you have any comments, questions, found any errors or typos - or just general feedback - feel free to lay it on me either in a comment or via PM
Hope you enjoy!
>posted it 7 minutes ago
>already have 4 views.
Son... I feel proud.
>crashes, falling asleep nao.
Good chapter, lots of action. I liked the artillery, it seemed to be of low-caliber though, like 3-inch, due to its low blast effectiveness. I have not heard of a few of the calibers seen in this chapter, are you just making them up or using obscure cartridges? Or are they typos? Also, the 10mm used in Fallout was 10mm Auto, not S&W.
367301
I decided to go for a mix of fallout 3 and deep research, depending on different times.
When Crimson speaks in great detail on things such as sizes, that's ripped straight from wikipedia.
Other times I'm just using fallout 3 for 'em.
Also, fallout 3 may have been using 45.ACP - however, I still wanted to go for something a little more packed myself.
As for the arty, yes, low calibre shells. while I don't know much about guns and less about the specifics of arty, I can't tell you anything about the size of the shells fired because of that reason - but I didn't want them to win the whole fight for themselves. If that were the case and they were simply that powerful, there would be no force capable of even threatening Four Ridges due to simply being destroyed at a range by Mary Sue artillery.
368700
----
also - Katarn has sent me some valuable catches on my sloshy writing which I was completely exhausted while doing. I'll get them edited soon. sorry for the poor quality towards the end >.< I just wanted it out.
finally gout around to making the edits after getting my hair cut then being lazy for over an hour.
god, so damn lazy.
367990
Fallout 3 has no 45. bullets to speak of. Or 9mm, 12.7mm, 20 Gauge, 357. caliber, or 22 caliber.
Based on memory, Fallout 3 has: 10mm, 32. caliber, 308. caliber, 5mm, 44. caliber, 12 Gauge, and 5.56mm.
372779
sorry, I should have clarified better - I'm also pulling stuff off FO:NV
Wow great chapter im looking forward to the next also hmm wonder if his tital of Lieutenant Colonel will hold any weight with other prewar robotic automatons?
391892
Thank you. It means a lot to get all these compliments all the time =)
Without trying to give any spoilers out but also while answering your question and going into general information on the whole falloutverse -
Some robots were privately owned as homely leisures.
Some robots were privately owned as security systems.
Some robots were owned by the military, and would run off a universal network/database while also being able to receive commands from individual databases - still, they'd follow the over-all grand database first and foremost.
So... He's not immune to all robots - some will still see him as an intruder. I'll leave that there and let you think about that one ;)
393574 ...Dang
ლ(ಠ益ಠლ) Also figured out i had seen your first chapter but i forgot to track it
ಠ_ಠDang storm taking out my power when im reading...ಥ_ಥ Looking forward to more and heres hoping you get many more thumbs up along with so many comment's you couldn't possibly read all of them :P
394595
to be honest, half of the comments are my own replying to comments =P
I always make sure to read each and every one, because they're all a great help for me.
They keep me strong and make me want to push more out.
Speaking of which - due to personal reasons chapter six hasn't had a lot of planning yet,but I'll be doing that tonight and probably beginning its development tomorrow. So hopefully it wont be all that long after that you have to wait for it. and thank you :)
>go away for a week-ish
>come back to having reached over 1,000 total views (more if you count the now deleted chapter teasers)
I'm so happy =3
I feel a lot better about myself for having finally planned out the newest chapter and knowing I'll actually be getting back to it starting 2:20pm tomorrow
403447
Good for you!
Edit: How is progress?
403723
Progress is alarmingly slow right now. I'm going through massive mental/emotional turmoil which is blocking everything, not just my creativity, but literally everything.
I've got the chapter planned. I know what I want to write. I just... can't.
and it makes me feel worse.
because I don't want to be doing this - the feeling like shit and getting nothing done.
I know if I get shit done it'll probably help kickstart good moods again.
-sigh-
Sorry about this. I'll keep trying. Promise.
417186
Oh, don't worry. Take your time. As we all know, emotions will get in the way of life sometimes, tis a side effect of being a human.
418918
That's the trouble; I'm not human. I'm a machine purely created for the use of work. Trouble is I gained sentience and developed creativity and became a freaky weird thing but also a writer that should pump out mooooooar. lol
not a bad story you have here, the writing itself pretty good, no noticeable spelling/grammar errors
the story however...Crimson looks to be gaining Marty Stu status pretty fast, so far he's done nothing wrong, been perfect at nearly everything, gotten a beautiful marefriend, can call in artillery strikes, and now with the robots...be very careful with him, so far he has no major/obvious flaws, the only real flaw he has is his semi-sheltered existence, coupled with the fact that he's kinda arrogant, though the story is still young, so hopefully the marty stu-ness will go down
another thing, to me the story doesn't seem grimdark enough, guess I've been spoiled for good grimdark FoE stories by Project Horizons, Heroes, and New Beginnings (though nothing trumps PH in terms of grimdark), I guess I've gotten used to FoE fics being extremely grimdark, that I don't know how to wrap my head around one which isn't anymore, but yes please turn up the grimdark and turn down the marty stu-ness
428359
Early days, early days.
Howitzers only have so much range, and he's going to learn that lesson the hard way.
Arrogance is a dangerous trait to have.
He's got shot up a few times but carried on through by his luck that it wasn't critical shots.
He did lead to a kid getting his leg blown off - that kid ain't getting that back.
He's not come unscathed from every fight so far; he does have three scars on the right hand side of his face where he got slashed pretty badly.
In future chapters, I do have something pretty damn horrible (for him) planned, though I wont say any more then that.
You just have to realise that they've not realistically gone up against much in the way of opponents.
Wolves? Got beaten to the floor and only saved by a madmare named Cherry when they were going for his throat.
Band of 15 - 20 raiders? had him doing surprise bombing run, Cherry sniping and two guards on surprise guard duty - Still took a bullet or two to the leg.
Rad-spiders? Long range, fully equipped town standing atop a town who were doing practical training.
Raid on the town? Cherry took a bullet to the lung - yes that wasn't him, but it -could've- been if the sniper had chosen to aim for him or taken a moment longer to aim. Other then that again - fully equipped and now fully trained town using a wall for defence - and Crimson still got hurt.
I'm not trying to argue with you, I'm just trying to give my justification for the Mary-Stu calls. It's early days and he's not gone up against an ultra sentinel or a self healing tank - he wouldn't stand a chance against Blackjack or even Psychoshy at the moment - but progress with the story will lead to the stronger opponents.
As for the grimdark motion - I don't intend to go Somber level - no way do I intend to touch on that. Somber does it perfectly and I know all I'd do is fuck it up and upset a lot of people for trying, even if I got it right a lot of people would probably say its too far.
As for Heroes, I've read up to chapter 10 and don't see that much difference aside from everypony dying around her at first and almost getting raped.
It's marked as grimdark because there will be moments (such as a kid getting his leg blown off, execution of the raider) and it will get a little worse - but mostly because it IS grimdark compared to the common variety of story. (MLdashie? Any of the ones that hit headline here?).
Like I say, I'm no Somber and I don't intend to have my character be killing 40 foals by chapter 6. How Blackjack got away with that was completely circumstantial and I'm willing to bet if she just rolled up into a town and killed 40 foals by any other means - no matter what the reason - if other people heard about it, she'd be universally hated.
Crimson can't be universally hated. That breaks my story. He's not going to be universally accepted/loved, but to have -everypony- after him on a 50/100k bounty?
The story will mature on its own, find its place in terms of grimdark and Crimson isn't always going to have a whole town fighting alongside him to make his battles easy. Nor is he going to always be in range of howitzers - even when he is, that's not to say he'll always be allowed the fire support,
Though this is just my personal views on it all. If you still feel there's something wrong, feel free to reply with your breakdown and let me know what is bad about my points, but otherwise - thank you for the favourite/track and I hope you come to enjoy the story a little more as more of Crimson (and followers) shows.
Also - the next two chapters aren't going to change a bit from your input, but I say it in a good way. Just know I have the next two chapters completely planned out and I'm in the process of writing C6 as it is.
I don't think I've lived long enough, seen enough, to give my opinion on whatever "marty sue" is, but Fallout Equestria was great because it was unique in its own way. PH is unique, too. Pink Eyes was delectably different. Broken Bonds is not the same as any of the others, being at least a little different keeps it interesting. I enjoyed Pink Eyes, and it is not incredibly dark like PH is, but it was dark in its own way.
428959
Well just so its known; I do plan to have Crimson badly injured, but so far like I say - he's come up against fuck all.
Wolves - easy to fight, still could've got his throat torn out for his arrogance if it weren't for Cherry.
20ish raiders - element of surprise and cover of darkness, along with strategically planned ambush.
-IF- he had gone off to fight Maisy the first time he saw her, he'd have come out barely alive. Two of the three caravan guards would have died and possibly the brahmin too.
Cherry would've stayed safe at a distance but emotionally damaged. Crimsons call to leadership would've been lost in such a stupid move.
Second encounter with Maisy was survived/successful because of luck, charisma and speech with a dash of intelligence and perception.
Rad-spiders - easy pickings for a whole town to fight off.
Second raider encounter was heavily influenced by Tank Merc Group being within support fire range (note; C.Commons is the limit of that range, if it helps anyone rest easier.) and would have been impossible if it wasn't for the newly built wall & trained villagers. The town would've burned to the ground and Crimson/Cherry would have had to flee, Maisy (if not killed) would've charged off into the fray and died herself as she almost had before.
Robots? Well, that was Wild Wasteland trait. Same with the Zardoz incident. Maisy encounter 2 could probably be put down to that too.
However, if you'll take a moment to notice this post here:
393574
You'll see I do mention how certain military robots are going to accept him as friendly, but there are of course robots that will see government officials as enemy targets such as private businesses who aren't trusting of the Luna government, old world gangs - and of course - Zebra infiltration bases.
Not to mention any haywire/externally controlled robots.
429472 here, have a tvtropes definition: link
I guess the reason why I'm seeing him as a marty stu is that unlike ever other hero/heroine in FoE stories (and also in the games to a point) they start out with barley anything, and have to drag themselves upwards by their bootstraps and even then they're always low on supplies, Crimson starts out with what I assume is old enclave armor, a large amount of supplies, has some wasteland experience and has a fully functioning pipbuck (other heros either have fully functioning pipbuck and very little/no wasteland experience or they have some level of wasteland experience and their pipbuck is broken/not fully functional/doesn't know how to use it)
428959 yeah the mortality rate is unrealistically high in FoE, but then again the population amounts are much smaller, the average town size is like around 20-30 ponies and raider bands are like 10-15 ponies, plus there are a bunch of traders, salvagers, and wanderers and the general philosophy of the wasteland is, do whatever you want, because the next day you might be dead, so that keeps the birth rate relatively high
428873 and I'm not expecting you to change a word of your story
430379
cool, sorry if I sounded defensive at all, its just that I knew I'd eventually get someone say it and I wanted to make it clear early on. Also means I can reference back to it later on if need be.
Admittedly Crimson starts with a lot - he comes from a powerful position back in the Stable where he lived a life of relative luxury - always safe, always fed, normally pampered. However - the wasteland is of course the wasteland, things are going to happen to drag him down to earth.
Lets take Blackjack as an example;
She was from Security, hence her extreme capability with guns and small/mid sized melee weapons.
She knew about S.A.T.S from day one where Crimson had to be taught it by one of the guards.
She didn't leave completely empty handed, and soon gained a bit more wealth through scavenging.
I do see where you're coming from, and I'll be sure to uh, make things a little harder on Crimson, but for the most part the story is going to stay as it is and... just remember, the title often means a lot.
But thank you for your input.
430510 good to hear the wasteland will rear its ugly head
well the only real skills Blackjack had when coming out of the stable were her skills with guns and melee weapons
Blackjack knowing about S.T.A.T.S. is balanced by her complete lack of knowledge on the wasteland
um, she left the stable with one gun, her regular security barding, and not much else, plus she had an injured companion who hated her
430379
The starting conditions being the same for every FOEFic would be boring. A little variety is given here. If you want more of the same, reread the others. I certainly plan to. (I do see the Marty Stu-ness now, thanks.)
Right, after thinking about it. Chapter six has been scrapped All progress made has been deleted and I'm starting it again.
Too late to do anything about it - there wasn't a lot there anyway. If this is really a problem then I'm going to have to start setting it straight now rather than in the future.
Don't feel bad for your comments - any of you. Maybe this'll help me pull myself together anyway.
So... How have you been? You haven't said anything here for days, and you haven't released any chapters. Not that you have to fulfill some sort of obligation, but I was just wondering.
456423
To put it bluntly, to tell you would scare the living fuck out of you.
I had one guy crying over me because he thought he'd not done good enough, that he had failed.
So yeah. not good. however I seem to be doing a little better now because I'm sorting myself out piece by piece and I've finally been able to make progress on the next chapter. I had made some previously but decided to rewrite it all due to the whole marty-stu issue. If I'm going to ramp up the issue I have to start from now and all that and decided to rewrite would probably help.
...which was while I was half way through all my trouble and found writing the hardest its been in a while.
but I'm getting back on track now at least, so it shouldn't be too bad, hopefully.
damn emotional troubles fucking me up from every angle =/
459066
Well, if you really don't want to talk about it, I'm not gonna squeeze, but I could likely handle it.
I never meant to impose that Marty-Stu characters were bad, but I can see how you could think that, and some people might.
I am glad that things are getting better, and you can't do much to disappoint me.
461154
Can't do much, but its still possible - if I had let myself go over the edge for example.
but I wont, I'm better then that now, I've got to fight on because I'm better then that.
Getting back to writing next chapter now :)
(was meant to earlier but got distracted)
Chapter six just hit 1,500 words which is 1,000 up from when I started.
Still writing.
I'M BACK IN THE GAME BABY
461377
That's good to hear.