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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Excellent placement of the teaser, gave nothing away with the alicorn, which was mysterious in it's own right. I wonder, what the alicorn meant, being his 'Prise'? I thought that was Cherry's job. Maybe she is related to Crimmy's father in some way?
And Cherry is special forces. Neat. Are they all special forces? Or just Cherry?
The Enclave, and the BASTARDS. That was pretty well thought of. Cherry is best stealth pony.
Neat chapter perspective, being mostly from Cherry.
And now is a nice time to prepare for a suicide mission to Stables 78 and 77. Sounds like a lot of fun, and danger.
I mentioned Cherry 5 times. Cherries.
And nice to see it all done. I'd say it was worth the wait, but I forgot what had happened last chapter. Derp. Not your fault, and the chapter was really nice anyhow.
nice chapter, the focus on Cherry worked out pretty well
though you write very well, and have the wasteland down pretty well with all of it's mature aspects (e.x. gore), it just seems that you seem to still be missing the darkness aspect of grimdark, though as you've said before, you're not aiming for that, so I guess my mind can't wrap itself around FO:E fic where there's very little/no abuse to the main characters, Cherry didn't even take a scratch during the fight with the Enclave soldiers, in my mind she's slowly creeping into Mary Sue territory, given that her social awkwardness/lack of social skills (her only flaw), didn't seem to make much of a impact in this chapter, and now Crimson has an alicorn protector, who served as a Deus ex Machina for saving him? hmm, as if he didn't have enough going for him already...
sorry for beating into you, after what you've been through, if you want me to stop I can
564768
starting off going through the reply:
Thank you. I'm doing my best to consider how, when and what to do with the teasers to give just enough but not too much, so it's good to hear I hit spot on!
As for being his Prise, well... its a nod to another story (not my own), and if you go on google its within the first 10 answers - though I did send Katarn on his way to try figure this out, but he couldn't get it without my help (a lot of it due to language/country differences affecting results)
For a way to figure out what the hell a prise is and what it means; here's a few clues.
Claudio, Mother Superior, Welcome home, Black rainbow.
As for her backstory past what she is - secret for now, but her inspiration / reference is something that if you can work out, feel free to know.
Cherry being Spec Ops is something that is by the very name of it, special.
Though I will admit that it's confusing because you do have "specialist" Strawberry Strudel, basically - S.S Strudel is a specialist in technology and salvage, but its not the same kind've thing as spec ops.
Spec Ops in the form of Cherry is black operations - infiltration, sabotage, advanced recon - that kind've stuff.
They're a secret and that's why Crimson had to use an override code.
As for the BASTARDS - Hopefully you caught my reference? Inglorious bastards!
(with the enclave being Nazi's)
and yes, it was my fault, but heh, that's sorted now.
565627
On the issue of the grimdark, my story is only going to be as dark as the original, realistically. It will have a part which is a touch darker, I think, but I don't plan to go to the intensity that Somber has done.
Grimdark isn't something I naturally gravitate towards when writing. I'm sorry that it doesn't fit your tastes as well as it could, but that's something I would only mess up on.
As for the pacing of the character development and grimdark levels, I do have a reasonable explanation behind my pacing, however.
Lets make this fallout 3:
Chapter 1 is as a baby. Chapter 2 is as a child and as a young teenager.
Chapter 3 is where the journey begins - so this is like the quest to leave the vault.
Chapter 4 and 5 is helping out the first settlement the group finds; in effect, its megaton.
4 and 5 is repairing the leaking pipes & defusing the atom bomb and beginning TWSG with Moira Brown.
Chapter 6 is when the groups learns where to begin looking; so that in effect is going to Moriaty and finding out about G.N.R studios
You don't get anything too drastic until you begin your journey to the studios... do you now?
On the issue of Cherry's sudden ability to speak to people without messing up:
Notice something about all the bucks she's spoke to? Notice what I just mentioned there even?
Old bucks.
They're all older bucks - who she saved from death no less.
I'm pretty sure that if someone comes in and saves the day for you, you'd be a little more willing to help them out then if they'd just walked up to you when nothing had previously happened and simply demanded information for free.
The first merchant would've been overrun by the gang very easily if it wasn't for Cherry coming and getting rid of Iron-Clad (heavily armed / armoured pony who dies first) and the gang medic (who was standing next to the gang leader).
She intended to shoot the gang leader there and then. She missed. However, it was enough to drive the gang away and that meant that she had in effect, saved the day.
The second merchant - she took nothing of physical value from him. She didn't take the map, she didn't take any of his stock, she took information that may or may not be correct.
Saving someone's life simply to be told "I'm not entirely sure, but you might find ____ at ____." ?
That's making a loss, really. If that was Crimson he'd have asked for something of value as well.
Some ponies are just generally easier to convince then others.
As for her magic, that issue has been addressed.
The reason the Enclave soldiers didn't trash the place to kill her is because all that old world technology was worth a lot more then her being dead.
Once she went out into the other area she immediately slipped up, fucking herself over. The only reason she had a chance at all was because they got cocky and the younger of the two wanted to rape her.
That gave her a moment of chance to take advantage - without that she would've been raped before the Steel Rangers came along and found them all.
Crimsons prise isn't going to be there for him every time he scrapes his knee. She has other places to be then to simply be watching over him every second of every day. However, if you think of her as Lady Luck (or Mysterious Stranger) you'll come to see the rationality of it - she's occasionally there during critical moments where one pony can make a difference and save his life.
Dues Ex Machina? Maybe. However, she was a planned D.E.M rather then a simple "Uh, need to save _____, lets throw in ____"
Trivia fact; She's the same alicorn as the one who managed to get into their room that night, and she's the one who gave him the funky dream.
She's a story point. She has her reasons for helping Crimson. She isn't going to be there every time and I'd have hoped that people would assume it to be like this.
===
Every main character of every story ever is either weak, or mary sue/marty stu.
They're the protagonist - they're the one who is going to end up saving the day, or doing whatever it is they set out to do, eventually.
The only time they don't succeed is when its part of a series or when its a tragedy.
Crimson is essential.
Cherry is essential.
That doesn't mean it's impossible for them to die - but they sure as hell wont die this early on.
My original ending went something like this:
Crimson's mother dies from a sniper round to the head from Cherry Sundae.
Crimson dies a few seconds later while in disarray from Cherry Sundae.
--Skip to end battle
_____ dies while taking down the antagonists bodyguards
Melony Love dies while trying to break into the antagonists fort or whatever
A slave that Crimson buys early on as his first true travelling companion completes the mission, the only survivor.
Right now? The ending is different. No doubt it'll change again.
The very nature of this story is that the main characters need to be stronger then the average pony because otherwise they'd die at their first challenge.
That's the reason why Cherry is Spec Ops - it justifies her capability in battle.
That's why Crimson is the son of the overmare - it justifies his charisma
Has he got it a little easier in ability to tell military robots where to shove it? Sure. That's for two reasons though - plot and his lack of physical strength/endurance.
Has he got a prise? Yes, again, he has. Once again, its because plot and because he'll need it.
edit: I want to stand up for myself of course, and justify my reasons for my story being written my way. But I don't want to be an author who just has a go every time criticism comes their way. Please don't take it this way - it purely is the Mary Sue part of it all that triggers me off.
Anything else - let me know and I'll do my best to change, adapt or improve on it - hell, I have two people who read my story as soon as its out (Katarn and Tea) and give me a full list of mistakes with my grammar, spelling or with the story itself, ranging from inconsistencies to general "This doesn't work."
Shouting Mary Sue is a terrible thing to do to an author, if they don't break down they'll ignore you, more then likely. To repeat your previous issues is also something that gets to me, as the pacing on my chapters is a lot slower in terms of progression then some other stories.
I don't mean to be nasty or inconsiderate or a bad author - but I need criticism to be at least somewhat constructive or not at all. Feeding me the same complaints isn't constructive.
Once again, I'm sorry.
I don't mean to be defensive. I just can't help myself sometimes.
*hugs*
565627
Changes to the story are marked in bold.
An amber shot flew past me, narrowly missing my face and instead scorching the wall behind me. I had to begin moving again!
I brought myself round a few more times, racing down different isles each time to try and get another kick to disorientate the opponents ahead of me, but I knew I couldn't keep this up.
My horn was beginning to burn in agony already as my magic overextended itself to try and keep up.
Before long they'd land a shot against me or I'd simply tire out and they'd both still be relatively fine.
Suddenly I felt an entirely new sense of pain run up my side as my right flank was punctured by something sharp.
That was when I noticed not only did they have their guns, but they also had stingers for tails! How didn't I notice that beforehand!?
It tore deeper into me as it got caught inside me and I wailed in pain as I ran away from the stinger, blood flowing down my side.
Doing the only thing that I could, I snapped back into S.A.T.S to try think about the options I had left to me.
Crisp Bake, if still alive, would be ultimately useless in a fight right now against these two ponies.
That wasn't even thinking about his wounds - he'd lost a lot of blood and while I was no medic, I knew from my field experience that it had to be so much that while he wasn't dead from that alone, he wouldn't be able to move fast enough to get away from a radbit, let alone anything else.
----------------
Snapping back into reality, I did my absolute best to run while my side punished me for my mistake.
Running while crying out a friendlies name would normally be considered cowardly and dishonourable.
This time? This time I had no shame as I cried out Maisy's name and jolted out of the door towards the exterior of the building.
-----------------
The young buck unclipped his codpiece and I saw my moment to take full advantage of that fact.
Using my magic brought me extreme pain and almost made me breathless, but I knew if I didn't take this chance now I'd be raped and murdered right here right now.
Jumping back to my feet and beginning to run again I ran around the corner, up over the shelf and jumped down on the confused buck who had stood there puzzled.
Two hoofstrikes to the face dazed him beneath his armour and I pulled my SMG out of its holster and firmly placed it against his genitalia.
"Chk Chk... Bang."
With my blood dripping down onto his back, my camouflage wore off again. I couldn't keep up the spell any longer and to try would've just caused a burnout.
A cold sweat overcame him as his voice trembled and his words became nothing but an incoherent mumbling.
He'd messed up proper this time, and if he made one wrong move, I'd not hesitate to blow his testicles right off his body.
His commander turned to me, gun raised and readied, before realising the predicament he was in.
These are the edits to the Cherry Sundae v Enclave fight scene. Like I say - I am happy to take criticism and I will use it productively.
I was wondering myself after having written that scene if maybe I should've added some injury to Cherry, even if minor, but no-one previously mentioned it.
As for the rest, nothing strikes me as necessary to change with how I have things planned.
(This is part of a private message to stringtheory explaining why Crim&Cherry aren't M.S's - I also apologised a lot to them, but that doesn't need to be posted again)
Rampage and Steelhooves - how much information do you get on them to begin with?
You get told that Rampage is a reaper, one of the top four no less. You find out she's immortal not long after meeting her. You quickly learn she's a master of unarmed combat and is seemingly fearless due to her inability to die.
You don't hear of her sob story until some time in when BJ really gets to know her better. You just know she's the be all end all of fighters, pretty much.
Steelhoves? You know nothing of him when you first meet him, other then he's trapped in his armour and he's a damn badass it seems.
A little later on you realise he cannot die through conventional means, doesn't fear pink cloud, doesn't care about radiation, corrupted broadcasters do nothing but give him a ring in the ear...
Basically, you don't get his story until later on either, because he's quiet about who he is and who he used to be.
Give me a fair chance is all I ask. Unless you can honestly say that you knew all the backstory on those characters from the get go - OR - that you also openly called them Mary Sue and disliked that about them.
To show you everything that they are in one chapter can't happen. There's not enough chances to show every side of them - including their flaws in some cases.
Cherry hasn't opened up about her past at all. Crimson has a little, but not everything.
Cherry's flaw is starting to show - regret for the dead. guilt. remorse.
The title of the latest chapter; "Roads we walk alone" is actually a metaphor for the challenges with face within ourselves, because even if we have others supporting us, we are always our own worst enemy and we can never truly walk in our minds with anyone else.
Guilt will cripple Cherry.
Crimson is yet to show his flaw.
568224
Thank you. This means a lot to me.
Though it is true that criticism is good and does help, it just needs to be a little more... structured in this way;
Issue, Reasoning (optional). Suggestion on what could be done on the matter.
I do want to know where I go wrong. Where I don't do good enough. Where something doesn't make sense, or where something is too much.
but I need guidance on how to make it better rather than to be told "X is a problem and that's that."
Take for instance String's very valid point about the fight with the Enclave - I edited that section of the chapter to include Cherry getting injured and made it so it was an obvious drain on her ability while using that spell.
I'm gonna have to make it up to them big time now, and I'm editing my responses to be less of a cunt - not because I don't want to be known as a cunt, but because I feel awful for acting like I did.
567142
I'm sorry, I am at a total loss with the 'prise' thing. the definition I got didn't fit, and I couldn't find anything with those words in white. I just assumed you were spelling 'prize' alternatively.
As for the 'Specialist' thing, I knew what a specialist was, but I was wondering how many of the accompanying ponies were Tank Spec Ops. I felt that I should've worded it differently, that is my fault. My wording in answering questions in English class probably correlates to my lower test scores compared to other subjects.
And it has been a long time since i watched Inglorious Basterds, but I do remember them being a pack of Jewish soldiers, just wreaking everything and carving Swastika marks into German soldiers.. Probably more to it with the theatre and all that though. I don't remember.
567329
Those additions contributed greatly to fluency in the story. Nice work.
568240
If it makes you feel better, I think your responses to people's comments are quite dignified. You are not, and were not, a 'cunt'.
568334
Ah, okay. the clues aren't all that great I suppose
http://coheed.wikia.com/wiki/Prise
Hopefully this will explain everything in a lot more detail.
Ahh, okay - only Cherry is special forces amongst any of the volunteers.
And naw, it's a tough question to try word properly anyway seeing as you had specialist meaning tech-engineer specialist and specialist as in special forces specialist.
So a reasonably annoying question to try and word properly.
Thank you for the compliment on fluidity. I too appreciate the changes and like mentioned, did wonder if maybe she'd got away from it a little too easy originally.
As for my responses - true, I don't delve into the depths for using vulgar responses or the like, but I do feel that I lost myself and over-reacted.
I'm a silly sod at the end of the day.
but yeah, thank you ever so much for being supportive of me. I know I always say it, but only because I always mean it;
You all mean a lot to me. Thank you.
568404
I'm happy to help. And thanks for clearing those things up. I feel silly sometimes too, and it isn't great.
A new edit I've come to realise needs doing, only a minor one but for the sake of keeping things as authentic as possible, and also keeping them consistent within the story.. the talk of Kingcakes, Dusk and Fallen Arrow being awarded medals has been changed to decorations.
It's literally that one word, used twice in the whole chapter, switched from medal to decoration.
Same idea, just more authentic and in-line with the real world.