With all the quests in all of Skyrim done the Dragonborn retires to his estate. There he spends time with his kids and makes the most out of life. This all changed when he gets a strange letter. Its also came with a tome. When he uses it his home with his stables and carriage are teleported to Equestria. Now the Dragonborn must protect his family and try to find out who sent him that tome
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Seems interesting. Defiantly want to read more!
Hmmml.... This could possibly get featured if there were more chaptures..... Yay!
Yes.
Like the concept, Dovahkiin and family. Plus you did not turn them into ponies. Only one suggestion, comma placement to break up thoughts and speech to make the story flow better. Overall I hope you keep writing and don't give up on a Skyrim crossover like so many others I have read. One more thing.
FUS RO yay
Please edit this. This is pretty bad, right now. So much that I don't even feel like listing...
If English isn't your first language, then it's understandable, but in that case, and even if you were better at English, you still need a beta. This needs editing for me to even read it. I couldn't get more than maybe eight or nine paragraphs in.
Editor.
Please.
Okay. Firstly, the Dovahkiin is either stupid or has mental problems, he used a random tome with improper spelling and grammar within, no hesitation.
On to more serious notes...
1:Your sentences and paragraphs need tons of work.
Example A:I walked up to the ponies "Hi" I said hesitantly
"Hi!" They all replied
2:Spelling and grammar. These need serious fixings. Try googling commas, periods, proper paragraphing, and all things SPELLING.
Alternative 1:Find a grade 5-6 Spelling book. I am NOT kidding.
Alternative 2:Re-read and use auto-correct, it may mess up foreign words such as "Equestria" but that doesn't matter, spelling correctly is more important.
3:Story telling, make it less rushed, explain the house, the outside, his kids, the steward, himself.. Anything.
4:Make more suprise, if I saw random horses outside my door, I'd freak out. Not just suspect the tome I read and used without hesitation had skooma on it; and skooma has no hallucinogenic side effects.
Okay, now that that is out of the way, let's go to minor things.
1:Where is used improperly.
Example WHERE:"Where is it?" The Dovahkiin ASKED.
Example WERE: "We were just sitting around." The Dovahkiin SAID.
2:Firstly, the Dovahkiin would not invite random offensive horses into his house with his KIDS. He would talk then and there, then once he was sure they meant no harm, bring them to his house.
I know that I need to edit my chapters so I'm am looking online for a grammar checker. Once I find on e I will redo all of my stories
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I love the fact no one gives half a fuck about a 7 foot tall Nord in DRAGON BONE ARMOUR!! (He's a Nord with a Dragon Soul, he's going to be tall)
....................................... TO THE VOID WITH THEM!!!!!!!!!!!
i hope he doesn't blame rainbow dash no lied! she deserve the blame! it not his fault she kept on attacking him and he defended himself against that non warrior train hot headed show mare twice in a row now and the guards are also thanks to her and now his son dead because of her shame and dishonor to her... i don't blame his rage but im worried for his family sake now at there mercy at pony hoofs. twilight why did you write to the princess and mention the fact rainbow dash got hurt by him!? it the only way those guard and princess could of known to warrant his arrest and also to add salt to the wound will either try to take custody and invade his home for being strangers not having pony citizenship rights and threaten his family and killed one of his children and that guard had the gall to say that? he was asking for a beat down glove are off man would not blame him for not being nice after all that happen.
.... Meh.....
Okay, this one was better. BUT! It was way too rushed. Feeling sad wasn't a possibility.
Please read what I posted on the first chapter.
Also, PM me if you wish to ask me questions.
3096726Or send them to dagons realm
.........................they must burn
Rules of Skyrim:
1. For no reason will you EVER fuck with dragon born.
No offense but...
1° He was SOMEHOW carrying a dagger while in jail.
2° He escaped, since the castle has few to no guards.
3° He Knocked down the guards and their captain.
4° Paralyzed rainbow dash, no one tried to stop him.
5° Out of nowhere he asked for their help, like if he wasn't a criminal, at all!
6° He was given an offer to become a co-captain of the royal guards.... just because.
7° Despite his criminal records he was thanked by twilight, who now automatically trusts him, even down he beated her brother.
Sorry, but this screams gary-stu like a goddamned tornado of godly proportions.
For physical goddesses who i'd imagine could 1v1 an ancient dragon without breaking a sweat... Celestia and Luna got beaten pretty quickly
.....
MOAR!!!
3101151 Dagon? Ouch.
4.bp.blogspot.com/-Rjts7tabKEY/UY0PA2jAFcI/AAAAAAAAA5A/-yyQpjWYumY/s640/Dagon.jpg
3112961either that or Molag bal which do you prefer
3105818 He asked for their help? They took all his shit and assaulted his family.
.....
To all of you I won't be able to post any new ch because my computer is on the frits and I don't know when it will be fixed
3113966 I'd prefer the one that can't completely eat you and ten others alive in a single chomp.
Woohoo more please!
I WANT MOAR PLEASE
This story has potential, but there are several problems with it
1. the pacing: everything is going way too fast
2. you're telling, not showing
3. the spelling and grammar, which I don't usually say, but there are enough errors to be distracting. You need an editor
3114250 dragonborn IS said to have power to rival the sun you know?
Before I read this I want to know: IS THE DRAGONBORN ON THE MANE 6's SIDE?
And also, but not as important, will the Dragonborn be using any shouts? My favourite is Dragon aspect :3
He is not really sided with them its just that they are very important to Celestia and even though he can rival the sun he doesn't want to tick off an entire empire and yes there will be shouts.
It's paced too fast. One thing there, another straight after. It's too much... Take the story slower, show us, don't tell us.
And for gods sake make more chapters.
3105818
1° Can't explain that. Maybe it was ''hidden''.
2° Blame the bad guard routines on the generally peaceful world.
3° Considering his current situation, he was defending himself.
4° Again, he was defending himself from a racist RD (Gilda, a chimera of an eagle and lioness, a carnivore or omnivore)
5° He wasn't a criminal, and they attacked him based on misunderstanding. For all intents and purpose, the guards actions reflects the princesses and thus they broke into his house, stole from him and murdered a mere child of his kin (who was brought back back by his means, not because of their help).
6° he have proven himself a worthy fighter with a strong protective nature and morals.
7° Still not a criminal (criminal - person who have committed a crime), and he was just defending himself considering last time he met them they were attacking him groundless accusations, breaking into his house and attacking his kin AND they had still yet to explain themselves. He didn't harm Shining, he just neutralized him with a spell blocking spell on his horn, after that he halted his hostility.
3780160
Couldn't have said it better my self.
This. Is. AWESOME.
I demandd mor akatosh damn it
5090871 Agreed
Maybe this is a parody, perhaps?
3105818 just let it go dont ask why it happen just accept the results
man rainbow dash in this seems to be abit heartless i mean its like she forgot that the dragonborn nearly lost on of his kids and didnt ease up for him
5995865
2 years late, pal.
5996341 meh better late then never
I've seen worse than this. Just the pacing, maybe be more descriptive and that about it. Keep up the good work.?
GOOD-FUCKING-GOD, FIX THE DAMN STORY