Pinkie Pie's Pleasure Palace.

asmcint #1 · Aug 2nd, 2013 · 1 · ·

I'm bored, really wanted to read this, but the first few paragraphs kinda threw me off. I'll just run through the errors that caused this to happen. Mistakes are highlighted in red and elaborated upon in parentheses. If there's something missing that needs to be added, I'll add it and highlight it in green.

It was a lazy Summer afternoon in Ponyvile, everyponywas outside enjoying the last few hours of sunlight.(Either separate with a semicolon or make them separate sentences.) All apart from one pony, Twilight, she was cooped up in her library as usual.(See above.) Reading through books about old Legends and old mares tales.(Legends didn't need to be capitalized, and mares was being used possessively. As it ends in "s", you should put an apostrophe afterwards, causing it to look like this: mares'.) She was enjoying the peace she was getting.(The sentence is unnecessary and worded kinda funky.) Ordinarily, there would be some kind of disaster that she and her friends would have to save Ponyville from, but not today. Or yesterday, or the day before that.
Twilight lifted her muzzle from between her book,(The word "between was unnecessary, unless you meant to say "from between the pages of her book". Also, you used a comma where a period was needed.)
"Spike. Spiiiike!" she called out. The distance sound of claws tapping against wood could be heard getting closer.
"Yeah?" spike replied, reaching the top of the stairs and sliding to a stop.
"Is it...quite around here?"(quiet*) Twilight asked, closing the book and levitating it onto her bedside table.
"What do you mean, Twilight?" Spike said, cocking and eyebrow.(an*)
"I mean, does it seem like it's been forever since something happened. I haven't sent a letter to princess Celstia in a couple of days."(Princess should be capitalized, and you're missing an "e" in "Celestia".) Twilight sighed. She raised herself up from her knees and onto all fours. (Highlighted part is unnecessary, makes the sentence a little too telly.)
"Well, now that you mention it, it has been really quite the last couple of days."(quiet*) Spike concurred, scratching the side of his head.
"Discord?" he added,
"Fluttershy rehabilitated him remember."(Fairly certain Discord didn't have any traumatic experiences or drug problems. This should be changed to "reformed".) Twilight dismissed.

That's just what I can see. While I want to read this, all the mistakes just throw me off quite a bit. Still, I'll keep an eye out for any fixes made. Maybe then I'll be a bit more willing to progress through what is likely to be a decent bit of clop.

LikeaBaws

LikeaBaws #2 · Aug 2nd, 2013 · · ·

SkyStorm

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