SkyStorm
Joined 12th Apr, 2013 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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New to writing huh? One problem with this. It was one giant wall of text. Try spacing paragraphs out next time.
2810200
I do know what you mean. Don't worry, I will try to space it out next time.
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130427122541/yogscast/images/5/56/Well_that_escalated_quickly.jpg
Well, there are number of things wrong with this story. Most of them are spelling/grammar errors, things like missing capitalization and punctuation, misspelled words, etc., but there are also a few formatting issues, like the aforementioned 'wall of text' problem.
However, the biggest single issue, and the one that earned a down vote from me, was the completely broken characterization. These were not Big Mac and Trixie. Trixie would not come crawling in for help, she would strut in, point at Mac and say, "You there, you will accompany Trixie and help her." Big Mac wouldn't ask/demand sex as payment for help, he would help Trixie because she needed it and it's the right thing to do. At most, he would ask her to pay him back whenever she had some extra money.
This is okay. Just a few errors but a great story. Keep writing.
Make a sequel.
short, and simple. a good one shot clop. i enjoyed it
2810835
Yeah trotting did seem a bit wrong. I changed it.
2811287
I understand with the whole 'wall of text thing', any suggestions on how to avoid it?
2811260
Your profile picture scares me....
2811377
Thank you. And no sequel to this one I'm afraid, this is just a random segment of my story idea that I changed to be cloppy. Don't worry though, I will write more clop in the future.
2812042
Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.
2815634 Really, that's all you took from my comment? Nothing about the grammar/spelling issues or the horribly broken characterization? Alright, whatever...
The best way to avoid the "wall of text" problem is to do what I just did. Leave a blank line between paragraphs. Sure, it can get kind of... excessive if you have a bunch of one or two sentence paragraphs, but also keep in mind that you don't have to use a new paragraph if it's the same person speaking a second time, only with a new speaker.
2816107
I took everything from your comment. I don't really know Trixie or Big Mac's character too well, which I can remedy quite easily. But what I don't know is how to avoid writing huge sections of text that doesn't appeal to anyone.
I choose the one thing from your comment that I think I needed the most help on. Thank you for your suggestion on how to avoid it by the way.
I will try harder in the future...
2816147 I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come off as... frankly, a bit of a dick. It's just that I felt the wall of text issue was really the smallest problem, but it was the only one you mentioned in the reply.
Just keep working at it. Practice is the only way to get better.
2816158
Don't worry, you didn't come off as a dick, just a tad annoyed. Which, after reading back through it, I know what you mean.
My Trixie was not at all like the Trixie I wanted her to be like. My big Mac wasn't at all like the big Mac from the show.
Oh well, I suppose next time I will have to try harder.
Here is an example of how to fix that wall of text issue.
Here is an example of wall of text:
Trixie and Mac made their way towards the barn, Mac seemed a bit more eager then Trixie who was beginning to trail behind him. Mac was the first to enter the barn, Trixie paused for a moment outside. Is this what my life has come down too? Selling my body just to get my home back... Her thought's were interrupted by Mac calling her inside. She edged through the gap in the barn down, and looked around for mac,
"Ah'm over here." he yelled. Trixie followed the sound of his voice, whilst continuing to look around the barn. The wooden beams holding up the hay above, the fenced areas used to store cattle. Trixie had never been inside a barn before. Trixie finally found Big mac, he was propped up against one of the support pillars that he cushioned with hay. He was fully erect with his cock reaching up to the mid point of his underside. 'Sweet Celestia! I have never seen one THAT big before! Trixie screamed inside her head.'
"Well, ah're you going to stand there...or ah're you going to 'work'..." Mac smiled.
Here is it fixed:
Trixie and Mac made their way towards the barn, Mac seemed a bit more eager then Trixie who was beginning to trail behind him. Mac was the first to enter the barn, Trixie paused for a moment outside. Is this what my life has come down too? Selling my body just to get my home back... Her thought's were interrupted by Mac calling her inside. She edged through the gap in the barn down, and looked around for mac.
"Ah'm over here." he yelled. Trixie followed the sound of his voice, whilst continuing to look around the barn. The wooden beams holding up the hay above, the fenced areas used to store cattle. Trixie had never been inside a barn before. Trixie finally found Big mac, he was propped up against one of the support pillars that he cushioned with hay. He was fully erect with his cock reaching up to the mid point of his underside. 'Sweet Celestia! I have never seen one THAT big before! Trixie screamed inside her head.'
"Well, ah're you going to stand there...or ah're you going to 'work'..." Mac smiled.
So yeah hoped that cleared things up.
P.s. Nice clop.
2835481
Wow, that was simple...
Also, glad you liked it.
Lots of errors -- spelling, punctuation, capitalization. Far too many for me to list. Have you thought about joining one of the proofreader groups and asking for help?
3131360
I kinda don't like asking for help. I feel like a failure, and I don't want to burden people with my rubbish stories. So I just tend to edit it my best.
You my friend, need the help of legendary, Skeeter the Lurker!