equestria has just survived the years under discords rule, the cities are empty, many have left the kingdom,
and those who remain are the poor little children who do not have a home, and have a tough life living on the streets of the city's. Luna, caring grately for Little ponies, was saddened deeply by seeing this. So she decided to take them from the streets of the cities, and the Few orphan homes, that were left, and bring them to a new place where they could grow up and be happy. While traveling through the cities, one little pony who experiences this, sadly does not have the chance to travel with her.
Chapters (1)
Jesus fucking Christ on a hatrack, have you ever encountered the English language before?!
This story would have been so much better if you named it "Luna, the Kidnapping Pedophile Alicorn".
I have to agree with La Barata....You should really have someone edit and/or look through this stuff before you post it if you're not very good with the English language.
And I don't even have to look through the story. Its summary is enough for me to say this.
2945922
i know, that i am realy bad art spelling, im not american, I wrote the summery, by hand,
but I Spoke the Story into a Voice recognission Program,wich wrote it out for me. to be able to Minemise the amout of Mistakes, to maby have the chance, to provide something, that people would actualy read, since hardly enyone ever reads something from me, cause of my massive amounts of spelling mistakes.
would you "pretty please" just give it a read ?
2945912
im very sorry, if that is the way you think about it,
and i am also realy sorry, if my Story makes you think of it this way.
I can asure you, This is Not what i intended for it to be,
Luna is taking them to a New place, because this plays, shortly after the end of the ruling of discord, where the Equestrian Citys, are almost empty, and the few who do live there, are very poor.
the new colony, Luna wishes to found, is a place, where thy can grow up happely, without, having the Massive struggels to survive, like thy would, in the almost abandond citys.
im kinda sadend, that that, what you posted, was the first thing you thought about.
"I have just edited the summary, I hope that it sounds better now"
2945907
yes, i have,
I have been Wrighting Poems, and Storys for years. I do, however have a Brain disability, with makes it very very hard for me to learn, and use the rules of spelling.
Im German, im ive been Trying for years, to inprove my Story righting, but sadly, many People, just judge me by my Spelling, and hardly give me the chance to resive critic, on my Storys, cause almost noone reads them. so I came up with the idea, of spending 300 Doller s on a Voice Recognission System,so I could speak my storys instead of having to wright them, i Posted this story as a test, to see, if it could work that way.
I love Story Wrighting, and I so want to continue doing it.
please dont be to hard on me.
2946047 I will not. But I won't vote it down either. You can go to "The Writer's Group" and maybe find an editor to help correct your English. I'm sure the concept isn't bad, but you just need to smooth the edges.
2946103 You don't have to spend money on such a tool you don't need. What you need is a proper knowledge of the english language. For a start use a writing software with spellchecker. If you want to pay, take Word in an Office Bundle. The other programms in Office may come in handy from time to time. If you want a free programm, there are tons and tons of them out there. I heard Libre Office should be quite good but I can't tell from my own experience here.
If you have that much trouble with spelling search for an editor who can help you with it. The spellchecker only goes so far in telling you how a sentence is making any sense, looking at the first one of your story right now. The overall structures of the sentences is bad, making it hard to follow them or see what you are trying to say.
The concepts seems... a bit wierd and I don't really like it but I that's just a personal opinion and if you can improve your writing style I'm sure there are people out there who will like the idea.
However with the current style it's very hard to read and you will earn a lot of downvotes just because of that.
2946171
Thanks, I do have Microsoft word, but the German version only supports the German language.
I have had English in school for years just as I have had German for years, but I am very Bad at learning spelling and grammar,
I don't make any less mistakes in the German language than I do in English.
I speak English fluently, but I just can't write it.
Also the way I write my stories, is a little bit similar to the poems, since I really like, when you can flow through a story.
if you don't like the style, that's absolutely no problem.
what do you mean, by saying, the sentence would consists of bad structure.
I knowmy sentences often lack "." but when I read through my stories after have written them, they feel very fluidly.
if you have the time it would be really nice, if you could tell me, which part, of my concept, you find weird, and therefore don't like it.
Do you think, that if I find someone, to add, the correct !?.
that that could improve my story, that maybe people could even enjoy it?
( this text was entirely made by voice recognition)
2946217 You should be able to download additional language packages. There's a link to the Microsoft page in the language options. I have both english and german spellchecker.
Okay next point, the concept. I'm not saying it's bad, I just find it extremely odd for Luna to foalnap a whole village. It's not the kind of story I would read, that's all. The description staates that she takes the ponies living on the streets to a better place, yet all of them come out of houses. I doubt that there are this many orphanages in Equestria. This was throwing me off as well.
To the structure. Most of it came with the lack of punctuations, which can easily change the meaning of a sentence.
I have no idea what you mean by that.
A lot of times I had to reread a sentence and had to add a comma. This was happening so often that it threw me out of the story a lot of times, making it hard to read it.
2946705
thank you greatly for your help I have overworked the entire story completely and I hope that you can read it fluidly now.
I had two friends help me with the spelling. I also optimized many parts of the story because I felt I could make it sound better that way.
Your critique on what I was doing was a very helpful because it made me analyze the video again and I came to find that only one foal actually came from a house that was not the orphanage. My theory is since this house looked very run down, and was by far not the only one looking that way, that two large pieces of the city were without inhabitants, and it is not uncommon for people about the home to camp in old empty rundown houses.
and you saying that that is not quite your thing, leads me to the question, why you even read it.
Obviously you had an idea of what the story would be about, that didn't fit the reality
I would find it very interesting,what's your idea was, and what what you were hoping the story to be like.
I'm sorry to say I'm not going to be much for giving a critique, mostly because editing/critiquing anything that isn't mine is extraordinarily difficult for me to do... never have figured out why.
First off, yes, this needs some polish done to it, but honestly, for your first fic and and for not being a native speaker of English, I really didn't think it was that bad. Not to sound insulting, but I've read stories by native speakers of English that were much much worse so you really have nothing to apologize for.
Overall, I like this and I see nothing wrong with the story itself, as with all fanfiction -- and story-writing/telling in general -- what you mean and what your reader sees is not always going to coincide, but you've managed to get you some likes so that is a good thing. Remember, any time you get a like, even if it's just one, the story is a success. At least that's my own not-too-humble opinion.
Anybody who's ever done any form of art knows that you're you're own worst critic; nothing that can be said here negatively is ever going to equal your own negative criticism. However, don't give up on something you enjoy just because somebody didn't like it or makes comments that aren't kind. Writing is not just about writing something that other people will like and praise you for, writing is also about putting your ideas down on paper and being happy with the story yourself. Don't ever forget that and you'll do fine.
Looking forward to seeing what happens next.
2953573
hi, thanks a lot for your very encurding and very cool comment,
i find it realy cool, what you said there !!
and it defanetly anserd my question, if i should continue the fanfic!!!
Yes i will, no matter how many people comment badly about it.!!
i already have a realy cool twist planned!
thanks A lot !!
*brohoof
2961941
You're very welcome, it's this philosophy that I stated in my earlier comment that keeps me going in my own writing and my other hobbies. Best wishes!
*brohoof*