Child of the night

by XTorbenX

Lost in the Night

The little fillies eyes widened from its sleep, as the light fell through the window, no ordinary light but sparkly warm, yet not dangerous light.

The light searched the room. The little filly, jumping out of the old bed, she stood in the center of the room, just watching what was happening. The searching light rested upon its little body, the light seemed to have found what it was looking for. She looked around terrified as two of her hoofs left the ground she was standing on. She wasn’t a Pegasus - how could that be? Earth-ponies couldn't fly, this made no sense. She started to drift from one side to the other as if she wouldn't have been weighing anything at all, as if her body was made from air. She floated above the ground, not understanding what was happening, or how this could be. She tried putting a hoof in front of another, but lost balance in the air, and rolled around, till she was floating on her belly, within midair.

This was definitely beyond weird; it simply had to be a dream. She got up and wondered, if it was possible for her to walk across the air, just like the pegasi walk across clouds. She wanted to try to walk upward, beyond the little height of the ceiling of her room, and entered the dark, empty entrance hall, to test out her new flying abilities. She concentrated, on not losing balance, and actually succeeded. Now eager to walk even higher, she looked upward, to see, that the great round window, the highest located one in the room, had a sill, too. She somehow felt a pull towards the glass, separating her from the dark of the night. Slowly getting the hang of moving through the air. She started galloping towards the ceiling, then standing in front of the great round piece of the glass, separating her from the outside. She had the feeling, that this orphan home was not the place she'd call home. She knew she'd get in really big trouble once someone would wake up, and find out. She had the feeling she should leave the orphanage. A very strong feeling, to be exact. There was nothing keeping her here, no family that would care if she disappeared. No friends that would miss her.

It would be so easy, just push open the window; but still there was something keeping her, however she didn't know what it was. It seemed to be strong. She sat there at about four meters height on the windowsill, unsure what she was about to do. A very strong feeling, more like even a dream sat in her mind, it was not natural, as if it had been planted there. It had no type of logic supporting the idea. Just flying out and disappearing forever - what kind of idea was that?

Finally she looked out the window, and then back to her room, then back to the window; she pushed the window. It squeaked, for it hadn't been opened in years. It was the cold winds of the night, which was the first thing she felt. She instinctively stepped back, almost falling from the windowsill through the cold shock. Had it really been the right decision?
She couldn't tell. But not just the wind came through the newly opened gap, there was more, there were sounds making their way across the night. It seemed like a song - she couldn't really hear it, yet it was there, she was sure of it. The window opened further, and the cold air started to flow from the night into the house. The singing went on, it became louder, as if it were growing closer. The little filly pushed more, but soon had to find, that the window could not open completely. She had the desire to reach the music, the song was calling for her, a few words she could understand were: ”Come, little children, I'll take thee away into a land of enchantment. Come, little children, a time's come to play here in my garden of shadows.”

There was someone calling for her, there was someone who cared about her, out there. She felt a strong wind. As a black shadow drifted along the side of the house, some sort of magic was pulling her to that shadow. She squished herself into the gap of the open window, and tried to squeeze through ,but the window could not open far enough for her to fit. Although living on the street meant being of a rather thin build, still she was simply too fat to fit.

Her head peaked out into the night and what she saw she couldn't believe. Out of all houses around her, little ponies were flying out of open windows following the great black shadow. It swooped into one of the streets and she could see it was an elegant blue alicorn - she seemed to really be something special. She was it, who was singing the song, she sung it lovingly, caring and honestly, and many, many fillies and colts of very young ages followed her. She too wanted to be there. But no matter how hard she tried, she stayed caught in the window. The magical scenery was starting to leave, the last few ponies passed her not noticing the poor little filly.

She began to get frightened and frustrated. This seemed important, this seemed like a lifetime opportunity. She really, really wanted to travel like all the others. She began panicking, moving, bucking and hitting to all sides, however she was stuck, she couldn't go forwards, nor backwards, she was really stuck! She took together all her strength and bucked at the glass, loudly shattering it to pieces, some light splinters hit her, cutting through her bright orange coat and adding little dots of red into her color. But she hardly noticed, she just had to follow the dark blue alicorn.

A sound was heard, hoof steps of a colt of the personal was galloping into the main hall, yelling at the little filly to return at once. But she didn't care anymore and was already galloping, yes even sprinting, through the sky. She hoped there was a way to run fast enough to keep up with the alicorn, but the distance was too far, her heart was beating in top gear, her hoofs were sprinting across the sky as fast as possible but still the alicorn drifted off out of sight. She stood there in midair, feeling as alone as she had never felt in her entire life. And she felt water, not coming from the sky , but running down her face.

Author's Note:

Please tell me what you think,
its my first ever story here, and im realy exited, to hear,
Advice, and cretik,
good and bad,

Comments

[La Barata]

Jesus fucking Christ on a hatrack, have you ever encountered the English language before?!

[Regidar]

This story would have been so much better if you named it "Luna, the Kidnapping Pedophile Alicorn".

[Aduro]

I have to agree with La Barata....You should really have someone edit and/or look through this stuff before you post it if you're not very good with the English language.

And I don't even have to look through the story. Its summary is enough for me to say this.

[XTorbenX]

2945922

i know, that i am realy bad art spelling, im not american, I wrote the summery, by hand,
but I Spoke the Story into a Voice recognission Program,wich wrote it out for me. to be able to Minemise the amout of Mistakes, to maby have the chance, to provide something, that people would actualy read, since hardly enyone ever reads something from me, cause of my massive amounts of spelling mistakes.

would you "pretty please" just give it a read ?

[XTorbenX]

2945912

im very sorry, if that is the way you think about it,
and i am also realy sorry, if my Story makes you think of it this way.
I can asure you, This is Not what i intended for it to be,
Luna is taking them to a New place, because this plays, shortly after the end of the ruling of discord, where the Equestrian Citys, are almost empty, and the few who do live there, are very poor.

the new colony, Luna wishes to found, is a place, where thy can grow up happely, without, having the Massive struggels to survive, like thy would, in the almost abandond citys.

im kinda sadend, that that, what you posted, was the first thing you thought about.

"I have just edited the summary, I hope that it sounds better now"

[XTorbenX]

2945907

yes, i have,
I have been Wrighting Poems, and Storys for years. I do, however have a Brain disability, with makes it very very hard for me to learn, and use the rules of spelling.

Im German, im ive been Trying for years, to inprove my Story righting, but sadly, many People, just judge me by my Spelling, and hardly give me the chance to resive critic, on my Storys, cause almost noone reads them. so I came up with the idea, of spending 300 Doller s on a Voice Recognission System,so I could speak my storys instead of having to wright them, i Posted this story as a test, to see, if it could work that way.

I love Story Wrighting, and I so want to continue doing it.
please dont be to hard on me.

[Aduro]

2946047 I will not. But I won't vote it down either. You can go to "The Writer's Group" and maybe find an editor to help correct your English. I'm sure the concept isn't bad, but you just need to smooth the edges.

[Gron]

2946103 You don't have to spend money on such a tool you don't need. What you need is a proper knowledge of the english language. For a start use a writing software with spellchecker. If you want to pay, take Word in an Office Bundle. The other programms in Office may come in handy from time to time. If you want a free programm, there are tons and tons of them out there. I heard Libre Office should be quite good but I can't tell from my own experience here.

If you have that much trouble with spelling search for an editor who can help you with it. The spellchecker only goes so far in telling you how a sentence is making any sense, looking at the first one of your story right now. The overall structures of the sentences is bad, making it hard to follow them or see what you are trying to say.

The concepts seems... a bit wierd and I don't really like it but I that's just a personal opinion and if you can improve your writing style I'm sure there are people out there who will like the idea.

However with the current style it's very hard to read and you will earn a lot of downvotes just because of that.

[XTorbenX]

2946171

Thanks, I do have Microsoft word, but the German version only supports the German language.
I have had English in school for years just as I have had German for years, but I am very Bad at learning spelling and grammar,
I don't make any less mistakes in the German language than I do in English.
I speak English fluently, but I just can't write it.
Also the way I write my stories, is a little bit similar to the poems, since I really like, when you can flow through a story.
if you don't like the style, that's absolutely no problem.
what do you mean, by saying, the sentence would consists of bad structure.
I knowmy sentences often lack "." but when I read through my stories after have written them, they feel very fluidly.
if you have the time it would be really nice, if you could tell me, which part, of my concept, you find weird, and therefore don't like it.
Do you think, that if I find someone, to add, the correct !?.
that that could improve my story, that maybe people could even enjoy it?

( this text was entirely made by voice recognition)

[Gron]

2946217 You should be able to download additional language packages. There's a link to the Microsoft page in the language options. I have both english and german spellchecker.

Okay next point, the concept. I'm not saying it's bad, I just find it extremely odd for Luna to foalnap a whole village. It's not the kind of story I would read, that's all. The description staates that she takes the ponies living on the streets to a better place, yet all of them come out of houses. I doubt that there are this many orphanages in Equestria. This was throwing me off as well.

To the structure. Most of it came with the lack of punctuations, which can easily change the meaning of a sentence.

She started to drift from one side to the other as if she wouldn't have been waiting anything at all as if her body was made from air.

I have no idea what you mean by that.
A lot of times I had to reread a sentence and had to add a comma. This was happening so often that it threw me out of the story a lot of times, making it hard to read it.

[XTorbenX]

2946705

thank you greatly for your help I have overworked the entire story completely and I hope that you can read it fluidly now.
I had two friends help me with the spelling. I also optimized many parts of the story because I felt I could make it sound better that way.
Your critique on what I was doing was a very helpful because it made me analyze the video again and I came to find that only one foal actually came from a house that was not the orphanage. My theory is since this house looked very run down, and was by far not the only one looking that way, that two large pieces of the city were without inhabitants, and it is not uncommon for people about the home to camp in old empty rundown houses.

and you saying that that is not quite your thing, leads me to the question, why you even read it.
Obviously you had an idea of what the story would be about, that didn't fit the reality
I would find it very interesting,what's your idea was, and what what you were hoping the story to be like.

[Shadow_Wolf]

I'm sorry to say I'm not going to be much for giving a critique, mostly because editing/critiquing anything that isn't mine is extraordinarily difficult for me to do... never have figured out why.

First off, yes, this needs some polish done to it, but honestly, for your first fic and and for not being a native speaker of English, I really didn't think it was that bad. Not to sound insulting, but I've read stories by native speakers of English that were much much worse so you really have nothing to apologize for.

Overall, I like this and I see nothing wrong with the story itself, as with all fanfiction -- and story-writing/telling in general -- what you mean and what your reader sees is not always going to coincide, but you've managed to get you some likes so that is a good thing. Remember, any time you get a like, even if it's just one, the story is a success. At least that's my own not-too-humble opinion.

Anybody who's ever done any form of art knows that you're you're own worst critic; nothing that can be said here negatively is ever going to equal your own negative criticism. However, don't give up on something you enjoy just because somebody didn't like it or makes comments that aren't kind. Writing is not just about writing something that other people will like and praise you for, writing is also about putting your ideas down on paper and being happy with the story yourself. Don't ever forget that and you'll do fine.

Looking forward to seeing what happens next.

[XTorbenX]

2953573

hi, thanks a lot for your very encurding and very cool comment,
i find it realy cool, what you said there !!
and it defanetly anserd my question, if i should continue the fanfic!!!
Yes i will, no matter how many people comment badly about it.!!

i already have a realy cool twist planned!

thanks A lot !!
*brohoof

[Shadow_Wolf]

2961941
You're very welcome, it's this philosophy that I stated in my earlier comment that keeps me going in my own writing and my other hobbies. Best wishes!
*brohoof*