Equestrian Century-2079
Pony-kind lives among the stars in large colonies called stations, but Station Nine holds dark secrets. Commander Star Dust of the Lunar Republic has declared war against the Solar Empire. Both sides will be caught in a war that will expand from the earth to the heavens. Peace now hangs on to Twilight and her Mobile Pony Suit to reunite the mane six, and fight back for the freedom of Equestria. However, Twilight will soon discover that some of her friends had led separate paths along with loyalties of their own.
Can Twilight reunite her friends and reform the mane six, or will the Lunar Republic crush their last chance for peace?
Chapters (3)
i love it and Cosmic Starwind i got a question when will next chapter for this story come out
3196766 Thanks! and it will be out tomorrow!
3196798 Your welcome and ok
One suggestion I could make is that, in the first few paragraphs, you make a new paragraph when a character is speaking. The speaking parts seemed to blur together and following who was talking took effort that distracted from the story. Each time a new character talks, there should be a new paragraph to separate the lines.
And here is my collection of minor issues to look into:
In the first paragraph: "He stood back back inspecting..." It looks like you have one too many words there.
Second paragraph: "A loud voice over a intercom..." It should be *an* intercom.
Third paragraph: "there is no point." The "t" in "there" needs to be capitalized.
Fifth paragraph: "yeah, it's also really quite." The "y" in "yeah" needs to be capitalized.
Thirteenth: "as they should have got word of..." "gotten" should be used instead of "got".
Seventeenth: "as it slow made its way..." "slowly" instead of "slow".
Eighteen: A space is missing here; "of the ship,removed their". There also appears to be an extra space here; "plenty of LR soldiers standing guard..."
Paragraphs 20 and 21 seem to be the same character talking so those two should be combined somehow. A short description of his expression while he spoke would tie them together well.
Twenty-second: A comma should be included here; "a few dock workers signalling them..." Also, "Signalling" has one too many L's.
Twenty-fifth: "worker" should be plural because there are four of them.
Twenty-ninth: A word seems to be missing at the end of his sentence.
Thirtieth: "pierced Jackson's ears." One too many spaces there.
Thirty-fifth: It should be *an* explosion, and possibly omit "had" from the sentence. "the forman,dazing him." needs a space as well. I'm not sure "Siren" should be capitalized, "Another" shouldn't be, and there's an extra space here; "vehicles rushed"
Thirty-sixth: "over looking" should be one word. And "He" shouldn't be capitalized.
Forty-first: "his composure , acting as..." has one extra space.
Forty-third: It should be "Their uniforms were..."
Forty-fourth: I believe it is supposed to be "not to let the stature of..." I might be wrong, but you should look that part over.
Forty-seventh: There is an extra comma here "eye color, mane, color, birth date...". Also, "hand held"? What hands?
Fifty-fourth: "please little one,..." "please" needs to be capitalized. Also, it should be: "...important document," she said,..." (A comma instead of a period and lower case S in "she".)
Fifty-sixth: "got" should be "gotten" or "received" and it should be *an* apparent instead of *a* apparent.
I noted an inconsistency around this point. If the report is from Commander Star Dust, and he is in the room to receive the order to mobilize troops, why didn't he give the report when he arrived instead of waiting for the document to get there. The fix for this I would recommend is to have the report come from a different officer, but that's just my suggestion.
Sixty-third: It should be "had done her..." not "had did her..."
Sixty-ninth: Once again, "over looking" should be one word.
Seventy-second: I believe the word "great" is out of place in the situation. The word "grave" might fit the scene better.
Seventy-third: "Republic trading ports. "The explosion had..." The quotation mark is in the middle of the quote and should be removed.
Seventy-fifth: It should be "scanned" not "scan".
Seventy-sixth and -seventh: "who *were* in command" and "four *were* LR", instead of "was" in both instances. Also, "...crew," she said..." instead of "...crew." She said..."
Eightieth: "and sits in chair." It looks like it's missing a word. "the" perhaps?
Wow, I had more fun with that than I should have. Why do I not have a job in editing yet?
These are mostly minor things that were out of place and, once fixed, should add flow to the story overall. I hope this helps (and that my review is taken in the most positive and constructive way possible).
I also hope I'm right about everything in here.
Note: There was very little character building in this chapter. Almost everything was dialog or event description. This isn't bad or good but more information from a specific character's point of view, i.e. their own thoughts, would add a new level to the story. I would suggest adding this into later chapters. This one works well as exposition without that amount of depth.
All in all, this is a well ordered piece and promises to be quite grand. Keep it up and good luck.
I know when Stories have great potencial, and this is Awesome!
Very great potencial.
Ps: Long Live the Lunar Republic!
3197705 Thank you so much. I really appreciate that and will learn for better stories in the future
3200642 thanks!
Cool one more Gundam crossover
3215962 do you find that a bad thing?
3218078 No I think it's cool :)
3284208 <3 glade you like it!
The only real problem I'm seeing as that you tend to flip from past tense like "ran" and "looked", to present tense like "run" and "looking" from sentence to sentence. Most of a section should be written in either one tense or the other to be consistent.
Other than that, here is my "Small Errors Report":
)
"the filly that is lacking so far behind" - Did you mean "lagging"?
"to get the disrupt class under control" - "Disruptive"?
"Che checked his teeth" - The "C" seems to have slipped in by accident.
"I'm kind of nervious twilight," - "nervous" doesn't have an "i" and twilight should be capitalized.
"closer to the
Carousel Boutique" - This looks like an unintended paragraph break.
"thoughts racing through his made as he made" - I think that first "made" was supposed to be a "mind" (I've made that mistake too often myself.
"His hand shaking vigorously as he pressed" - "shaking" should be "shook" so that it agrees with "pressed" in the past tense of the rest of the sentence.
"rarity opened the door" - "rarity" needs to be capitalized.
Spike was completely at the young mare" - A word is missing; completely what?
"Rarity in a white silky dress" - This needs a verb.
"She could fill the butterflies" - "Feel"?
"Of course, You deserve it and more" He said. - Just some capitalization and punctuation here: "Of course. You deserve it and more," he said.
Okay, I seriously have too much fun doing this kind of thing. If I get on your nerves making lots of corrections, just tell me.
Over all, I'm seeing major improvements from the previous chapter to this one. The dialog flows much better and the characters are developing well.
Onward, to the next chapter!
Well, that escalated quickly...and now to the "Small Errors Report":
Also, "r=" is my fail of an attempt to type a gun. 
)
the nature that surrounds them." - the quotes on the end of the sentence don't belong to a speaking part and should be removed.
Spike leaned her hand out - "His"?
How kind and generous makes you even more - A few words seem to be missing; "How kind and generous you are makes you even more"?
I really am," he rubs his hoof - The speaking part was the end of a sentence and the description was an action that did not describe the way he spoke. These should not be joined by a comma but separated by a period: I really am." He rubs his hoof...
"Ow!" he shouted, smacking her across the face.
"We can't be having you doing that again can we?" - These are the same character speaking so it should all be in one paragraph.
You all's time is now. - "Your fall's"? (The first thing I thought of was: {Comm. Star Dust r= Sinclair}; *Deep announcer voice* Betrayal!" I totally did not see that coming!
Hope on! - "Hop"
Rarity hoped on his back - "hopped"
I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
3313208
Thank you so much for helping me learn from my mistakes and making the story better. I appreciate it alot
is this a crossover from the 0th ms team?
3473012 yes it is c: