Pegasus-skip
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Great story! The setup with Rarity is a lot like ones where Dash loses her wings. I hope more people give it a chance, and I can't wait for the next chapter ^^
You cannot have more than one character speaking in a single paragraph. Start a new one each time you change speakers.
Ouchy. You're getting a sad amount of downvotes. Now I think I can see why.
The set up for the incident was too quick. To rushed and such.
The feelings for each other might have been a bit too easy to see right off the bat. I at the least like to read about the development of feelings.
Twilight using her authority seemed really...Off. Just completely and utterly off. The dress? the tiara? Why were they needed? That whole bit seemed weird. Completely and utterly.
The nurse was way off. In a situation like that I can't see any but the worse kind of nurse doing that and even then when the patient is screaming for them not to leave they should at least think of making an exception or something.
Celestia seemed...Artificial. Like "hey here's Celly." Also while I can understand Twi having power like that it calling the princess right off the bat seemed weird. She's a princess for her own sake. She's got things to do.
Pacing. While at the least you're not doing a bad job of keeping the story going you need to slow down and smell the burning bodies. Fill in the parts your wrote with more detail, more thoughts, more feeling. Ya know?
Well then. These are my thoughts for now. I'll keep an eye on this and continue to give my thoughts.
3066232 Thanks for the feedback!
As it is, I agree with your opening comments about it being a bit 'rushed' On top of that, re-reading the story myself after not touching it for a week and working on my other fic (Mutual Rescue) I was horrified at what I read.
For one normally my chapters are in the 3,000 - 5,000 word count, and I try not to write too much filler.
The premise for H&T I think is still a good one - so I will be carrying the story on, but I think I need to look at a serious re-write first.
The Twilight using her authority I want to keep, but again I know i need to re-work it, I'm also looking at removing the "Celstia comes and fixes everything" moment, and have it truly develop that Twilight in her own right can authorise this (Not sure how . . . yet)
As for the "Get-up" I had her summon, I pictured it in my mind that she was going for the "Shock-and-awe" factor that that yes she DOES have this authority, again it plays out well in my head, but once typed. . . I don't know, seems a bit too 90's cartoony (She-Ra sort of thing.) so i think that'll go completely.
With the nurse being way off . . . Unfortunately I was basing this moment off my own experience, so will be leaving it in, but I'll be toning it down some.
I will not be publishing re-writes straight away, only keeping them in googledocs while I work on them.
To use my own rating system on fan fictions now I've re-read this through.
Until I'm happy with the re-writes which I won't get too untill I've finished my other fics both here and on fanfiction.net I'll be putting this story on hiatus.
I wonder if that's part of the problem - spreading my attention across too many fics . . .
Thank you for the honest, and useful feedback - it's comments like these I look forward too.
3066328
Oh yeah. No prob. Yeah like I said. I can completely understand Twi having authority like that and I think it's understandable. But I think it would be easier if instead of simply commanding that they all be allowed to stay it would be a bit more believable if she used to the speak with the head nurse or someone in charge and then again use her authority to get said head nurse to allow them to stay. (If the nurse doesn't act the same as the one before at least.) I imagine Twilight to have a magically backed up/signed card or paper to prove her power.
As for the shock and awe of the dress and such. Unicorns have been shown to be able to summon things at times so suddenly being all dressed up would be more confusing for them like "What happened?! Why is she in a dress? What's up with the Tiara? (This last one makes more sense for the nurse herself)
I must agree I do like this idea. I read another that this reminded me of a while ago where Rarity lost one of her legs. While it wasn't a huge physical damage issue since they got her a prosthetic leg the mental anguish she put herself through was delicious. When I read this I really thought it would focus more on the fire damage to her face/skin and the mental anguish brought about by that. I was surprised that it was her horn.
Anyway. Do go on when you get a chance.
3068102
I don't suppose you remember the title by any chance?
I will don't worry.
Just need to finish 'Cats Harmony' and 'Harmony Potter: Starfleet Raised on fanfiction and 'Mutual Rescue' posted here first
3070769
Reconstruction Site
Which is a sequel to Third Time's a Charm
3072463 Thanks
I enjoyed what you have written thus far in the story.
The writing was pretty good, though the formatting was sub-par. Which would probably explain the down votes.
Nevertheless, the story's idea, the plot, was fantastic! I loved it!
I would love to see more, if that is at all possible.
I'm sorry to see this story on hiatus, as I enjoyed it.
Oh well.
Don't let your critics get to you!
Love,
ScatMan
3313075 I thank you for the kind comments, but it isn't just my crittics - I myself don't like this piece either in it's present state.
I promise that I will be revisiting / re-writing this in the future.
The general start will be the same with more depth to it, and I will be keeping the rarijack ship, but even when I read it it seems a bit to bland, so I know I need to work on it.