Good story, although I find it weird to imagine myself (hence the first person) with Applebloom. I mean I'm used to read foalcon ships like RD and Scoots or something. Although I cannot say I didn't like this, hell I loved it. 8 out of 10.
1: perhaps replace you with I. as constantly reading you doesn't make seance as it's a first person story.
2: please correct the accent. A applejack and applebloom where varying in there accent. Nothing to consistent with it. As for ya and ya'll please use them correctly. Ya'll is meant for addressing multiple people. Ya is for one. (that misuse really ticks me off. It's not hard to get.) but overall it wasnt bad. Just correct the accent and change it to first person and it will look better.
2852873 it's alright. I can understand that not everyone knows perfect english. It's just I have a southern accent myself, so it kinda bothers me when its likes that.(mainly it feels slightly mocking.) But good story none the less.
very well written. I like how the guy says stuff that just slips out of his mouth before hie could register what he said. i probably would if i was in his place being sweet talked by a little filly.
Dude, you're overusing and abusing the hell out of "as", and you're mixing up tenses. It may seem harsh, but these amateur mistakes break suspension of disbelief and make any reader with a sense of quality lose his boner.
I counted sixteen "you can't help but". I'm usually not picky with how a story is written in terms of vocabulary (mostly because I can't into vocabulary myself) but that was a little too much, and more often than not, unnecessary.
You can't help but take her words into mind.
I mean, srsly.
Other than that, I enjoyed this chapter. Maybe I shouldn't comment until I have read the whole thing, but to hell with that. I love how most Anon x filly stories have the exact same layout.
*awkwardness* "anon i like u" "k" "no i mean i want u" "no" "k... kiss pls?" "no" "pls" "k" *kiss* "ty" "np" "sex pls?" "no" "pls" "k" *sex* "i love u anon" "me too"
This is a awesome and sweet chapter.It.I can't wait what happens next I can't I can't wait to see what happens next to them all next and what happens to them all.I would probably do the same thing if they gave me the look I can't say no to the look if I was in Equestria.
This was....interesting.....to say the least. I don't know why, but foalcon disturbs me on some deep level, but I keep reading it for no apparent reason. At least I know I'm not going to Hell. I'm certainly not going to Heaven, though. If anyone could tell me what Purgatory is like, that'd be great. Good story, for being somewhat disturbing.
I just locked my iPad when It said "I popped mine by accident in a crusaders thing" or whatever and I unlocked it and kept reading like 20 mins later and started screaming at my iPad " WHAT THE FUCK MAN!?! YOU JUST FUCKING RAPED A LITTLE GIRL AND CUMMED INSIDE HER! WHAT IF SHE FUCKING GETS PREGGERS!?!?!?! UR MUR GURD MAN!" Lol all in all good job for tp your first 1 shot like thing :3
5433926 lol it doesn't exist. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to dawn my debunking fedora, grow a neckbeard just under my 3rd chi g and fly off to spread the wonders of atheism.
6304319 Ok this a good chapter and probably a good story but
She looks to you with a blush. “C-Can I see it?” You feel your cock twitch when she suggests that. Just the fact that it has gone this far is definitely not what you had in mind for the day, but now that it was happening, you can't fight this feeling of trying to go a little further. You gulp a little. “Sure.” She crawls off your lap and she sits in front of you waiting. You feel nervous as she curiously eyes your lower area. You decide that it’s probably too late to go to heaven anyways. So you slowly start to unbuckle your pants and promptly release your member from its cage. It smacks against your stomach from having been trapped in its denum prison for too long. Applebloom sits there in awe as she looks to this foreign appendage. This is oddly enough turning you on more as she slowly scooches forward to get a better view. “Can I touch it?” She asks out of the blue. “Alright, just, be gentle.” You warn as she gives a small nod
and again i'm not saying this a bad story i am just making a joke
I see a lot of people saying they are going to hell because of falcon but I don't understand why to go to hell Also what happened when applejack found out that ab was pregnant and had a babes
*Looks up at the sky, outside of Window*...so...it has returned...the "Anon does f*cked up shit for no reason" *Looks at Water bottle on table* Well if we all go to Ponyhell anyway- ♪ *Takes out Milk Bottle* let's get dangerous!
Cliché, but I liked it.
I'd love to see one with Babs.
all right story good way to break a writers block good luck on the next chapter
Then Applebloom has a foal. More plz
Good story, although I find it weird to imagine myself (hence the first person) with Applebloom. I mean I'm used to read foalcon ships like RD and Scoots or something. Although I cannot say I didn't like this, hell I loved it. 8 out of 10.
I'm gonna hate myself even more for doing this, but.... Faves
It was...cute.
Could use some proof-reading, edits, etc. But for a one-shot, it was sweet. I enjoyed reading it. Upvote!
E>>2846512 it doesn't matter if they're different species it kinda still is molestation..... But kind of a buzzkill for me... I've seen better!
Foalcon or not,
don't leave this a oneshot!
i.imgur.com/tfZQS.jpg
2848517
Molestia, you've DONE better. With yourself. Well, -selves.
i like to see more my be with Hmmmm
2 things.
1: perhaps replace you with I. as constantly reading you doesn't make seance as it's a first person story.
2: please correct the accent. A applejack and applebloom where varying in there accent. Nothing to consistent with it. As for ya and ya'll please use them correctly. Ya'll is meant for addressing multiple people. Ya is for one. (that misuse really ticks me off. It's not hard to get.) but overall it wasnt bad. Just correct the accent and change it to first person and it will look better.
2852145
English wasnt my first language. So sorry if I cant get accents right.
2852873 it's alright. I can understand that not everyone knows perfect english. It's just I have a southern accent myself, so it kinda bothers me when its likes that.(mainly it feels slightly mocking.) But good story none the less.
2850611 I know I'm ashamed......... LUNA!!!!!!!! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!!!
yes do more on fillies
i am not ashamed
It's good.
Alright, i didn't read this yet, but before I do:
img1.ak.crunchyroll.com/i/spire4/b5c077c065c4b1d25a8ef822b995ac581323215117_full.jpg
UNLOCK POWER INHIBITORS! MAN MODE, ACTIVATE!
All right, let's do this!
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1a10786hX1r6oot6.gif
Don't think that that will slip past me, I see what you did there.
2852145 This story is a second person story.
First person: I, me, my, mine
Second person: You, You're, Your
I don't see how it wouldn't make sense.
Im not a religion person but if hell exists...I know my fate when i die
2891436 nice
DAMN that was good. If you wrote this while you were drowsy, I can't wait to see what you can write when your awake. This was great.
cute little applebloom with romantic dinner setting in a little clubhouse.....there is only one outcome.
very well written. I like how the guy says stuff that just slips out of his mouth before hie could register what he said. i probably would if i was in his place being sweet talked by a little filly.
Digging myself a deeper hole in pony hell for reading this.....but it's just so good!!!!
3694869
Aren't we all?
Dude, you're overusing and abusing the hell out of "as", and you're mixing up tenses. It may seem harsh, but these amateur mistakes break suspension of disbelief and make any reader with a sense of quality lose his boner.
Fix this grammar, and this'll be a nice tale.
I counted sixteen "you can't help but". I'm usually not picky with how a story is written in terms of vocabulary (mostly because I can't into vocabulary myself) but that was a little too much, and more often than not, unnecessary.
I mean, srsly.
Other than that, I enjoyed this chapter. Maybe I shouldn't comment until I have read the whole thing, but to hell with that. I love how most Anon x filly stories have the exact same layout.
*awkwardness*
"anon i like u"
"k"
"no i mean i want u"
"no"
"k... kiss pls?"
"no"
"pls"
"k"
*kiss*
"ty"
"np"
"sex pls?"
"no"
"pls"
"k"
*sex*
"i love u anon"
"me too"
Foalcon disturbs me deeply...yet for whatever reason I read it.
I'm going to hell without a doubt...
4321869 ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
This is the most disturbing thing other than rape that I have seen yet I still read it......TO HELL I GO
I have a conflicted feeling while reading this, and all I know is that it's not my stomach whining about the food I just ate.
And then....
My brain told me what I felt for the moment.
Still... GATES OF HELL, I COME FORTH!
This is a awesome and sweet chapter.It.I can't wait what happens next I can't I can't wait to see what happens next to them all next and what happens to them all.I would probably do the same thing if they gave me the look I can't say no to the look if I was in Equestria.
This was....interesting.....to say the least. I don't know why, but foalcon disturbs me on some deep level, but I keep reading it for no apparent reason. At least I know I'm not going to Hell. I'm certainly not going to Heaven, though. If anyone could tell me what Purgatory is like, that'd be great. Good story, for being somewhat disturbing.
4296049 Exactly.
i.imgur.com/YhQJujI.jpg
5521848 yea i wanna know what the fuck kinda cutie marks they were aiming for..
I just locked my iPad when It said "I popped mine by accident in a crusaders thing" or whatever and I unlocked it and kept reading like 20 mins later and started screaming at my iPad " WHAT THE FUCK MAN!?! YOU JUST FUCKING RAPED A LITTLE GIRL AND CUMMED INSIDE HER! WHAT IF SHE FUCKING GETS PREGGERS!?!?!?! UR MUR GURD MAN!" Lol all in all good job for tp your first 1 shot like thing :3
this is so close to being my first fav but no
XD
5433926 lol it doesn't exist. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to dawn my debunking fedora, grow a neckbeard just under my 3rd chi g and fly off to spread the wonders of atheism.
5605319 I think that's the best avatar I've seen go along with a comment. xD
6304319 Ok this a good chapter and probably a good story but
and again i'm not saying this a bad story i am just making a joke
I see a lot of people saying they are going to hell because of falcon but I don't understand why to go to hell
Also what happened when applejack found out that ab was pregnant and had a babes
Lol I won't even lie I loved this! Apple Bloom is my waifu to the extreme to when I found this I had to read it. Great story!
Nice, wonder what AJ's going to say.
I can't stop laughing!!!
*Looks up at the sky, outside of Window*...so...it has returned...the "Anon does f*cked up shit for no reason" *Looks at Water bottle on table* Well if we all go to Ponyhell anyway- ♪ *Takes out Milk Bottle* let's get dangerous!
Foalcon is good. Clop is good. I'm going to that Special Hell. Where all the most interesting people go.
FBI OPEN UP!
O_0 Ummm AppleBloom? Is there something I don't know? That I don't want know about?