Mind Swap

Mind/Body Swapping255 stories ·438 members

Mind Swap

Twilight decide to learn spme new spells to make the party even better.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 5 )

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Blik

Blik #1 · Mar 19th, 2012 · · · Twilight Dash ·

First of all, Show, not Tell. Chapter one should have been three times that long. Describe the effects of the mind swap spell - if it was so awesome, why keep it to yourself?

Also, all of Discord's chaos magic should have been dispelled - give a plausible explanation for one of his cotton candy clouds to still be hanging around. Was that just last week? Did the magic break up slowly? Did the Everfree Forest's wild magics negate the Elements' cancellation spells?

And the owl's name is Owloysius.

Second chapter was somewhat better, as you showed more instead of told, but only just. First of all, if Scootaloo can't fly, how did she get up to the clouds in the first place? I can accept that Twilight didn't have one of her adorkable freak-outs, but a reason why would be appreciated. And why mention Twilight's luck at getting to walk to the lesson if you immediately rescind that as they are three stories above the ground on a cloud?

Convention says to place paragraph breaks whenever the speaker changes. It actually helps a story flow better and convinces the reader not to skip words. Exceptions include stylistic choices and the occasional interruption.

It's not a bad premise, understand, it's just skeletal at this stage. Your plot has the potential to go great places as you flesh out all the scenes you skipped or glossed over, and add dialogue. Especially to the party scene in chapter 1 and the falling scene in chapter 2.

D3rpy H00v3s

D3rpy H00v3s #2 · Mar 21st, 2012 · · · Twilight Dash ·

I thank you for the advice, and I now see that some details are lacking. A reason of the bad writing is that English isn't my native language. And about that Scootaloo can't fly, I thought that perhaps her parents took her to school some way. I'll make the improvements as soon as I got time. This has also given me tips for my english essay at school. So thanks