Mind Swap

by D3rpy H00v3s

Twilight Dash

Twilight woke up with a big scream. This place was definitely not the library. The walls were white, like clouds, and it was decorated with various posters, mostly of the Wonderbolts. She felt something sticking out of her back, something connected to her body. Twilight rushed up to a mirror, much faster than usual. She screamed again this time even louder. Her hide was cyan colored and her mane had the colors of the rainbow. She had become Rainbow Dash. The spell must have had some after effects. Twilight started to search for the book, but she remembered that this was Rainbow Dash’s house. Suddenly it knocked on the door. Twilight opened the door, and outside was Scootaloo.

‘’Are you ready Rainbow Dash?’’ Scootaloo asked. ‘’Ready for what?’’Twilight replied unsure of what she should say. ‘’ You haven’t forgotten have you? You are supposed to give us a flight lesson.’’ Scootaloo said, not sure if she should laugh or not. “Yeah, the flight lesson. I would never forget that” said Twilight trying to sound confident. She didn’t want to disappoint the kids that were expecting her, or rather Rainbow Dash. There was one problem though; she didn’t know how to fly.
Luckily for Twilight, Scootaloo couldn’t fly yet so they had to walk. That luck didn’t last for long. They had to get down from the clouds in order to get to the school. “Are you sure there aren’t another way down, since you can’t fly, no offence.” said Twilight. “Are you feeling okay Rainbow Dash? You know that the only way down is too long away from here. We wouldn’t make it to the school in time. You have to fly me down” said Scootaloo. If the real Rainbow Dash was here, she’d probably said “Dun-dun-du”.

Scootaloo climbed up on her back. Twilight was really nervous. She didn’t know anything about flying. She hadn’t read the book about flying yet since she didn’t think she would actually have to fly in the near future. Here she was, about to actually fly. Twilight readied her wings. It couldn’t be that hard, right? Twilight took deep breathes and readied her for what to come. “Are you going to take soon?” said Scootaloo impatient. “Yeah, I’m just warming up” said Twilight trying to sound like Rainbow Dash.

She leaped off the clouds and started to fall towards the ground. She spread her wings and she felt the air under the wings. She did it. She was flying. Now it was just left to learn the next problems, how to turn and how to land. She tried what she found natural, which resulted in doing an uncontrolled barrel roll that almost made Scootaloo fall off. Twilight was getting dizzy. Whatever she did, she couldn’t make a turn. She was pretty sure she wasn’t flying in the direction of Ponyville by now. She was starting to get tired. She couldn’t keep on like this much more. Her vision was starting to get blurry. She was pretty sure she could hear Scootaloo crying. Twilight was starting to get angry on herself. If she’d only had told her before instead of trying to be Rainbow Dash. Suddenly her wings locked, and she started to fall towards the ground. The only thing she could hear was the wind howling in her ears. She tried to scout for Scootaloo, but she was paralyzed. Her life flashed before her eyes. The day Princess had let Twilight be her student. The day she met her friends for the first time. Soon it would all end. Suddenly it all went dark.

Comments

[Blik]

First of all, Show, not Tell. Chapter one should have been three times that long. Describe the effects of the mind swap spell - if it was so awesome, why keep it to yourself?

Also, all of Discord's chaos magic should have been dispelled - give a plausible explanation for one of his cotton candy clouds to still be hanging around. Was that just last week? Did the magic break up slowly? Did the Everfree Forest's wild magics negate the Elements' cancellation spells?

And the owl's name is Owloysius.

Second chapter was somewhat better, as you showed more instead of told, but only just. First of all, if Scootaloo can't fly, how did she get up to the clouds in the first place? I can accept that Twilight didn't have one of her adorkable freak-outs, but a reason why would be appreciated. And why mention Twilight's luck at getting to walk to the lesson if you immediately rescind that as they are three stories above the ground on a cloud?

Convention says to place paragraph breaks whenever the speaker changes. It actually helps a story flow better and convinces the reader not to skip words. Exceptions include stylistic choices and the occasional interruption.

It's not a bad premise, understand, it's just skeletal at this stage. Your plot has the potential to go great places as you flesh out all the scenes you skipped or glossed over, and add dialogue. Especially to the party scene in chapter 1 and the falling scene in chapter 2.

[D3rpy H00v3s]

I thank you for the advice, and I now see that some details are lacking. A reason of the bad writing is that English isn't my native language. And about that Scootaloo can't fly, I thought that perhaps her parents took her to school some way. I'll make the improvements as soon as I got time. This has also given me tips for my english essay at school. So thanks

[Mercer]

MOAR

[Mercer]

Dude you are awesome , PLEASE make more of these

[MotownWarrior01]

MUST CONTINUE.... PLEEAASSEE!!!