Bittersweet has had problems sleeping for as long as she can remember. Unable to function properly in the workings of a normal adult life, she spends her days at the Manehattan Psychiatric Hospital trapped between the different states of her affliction. But when Equestria is suddenly destroyed at the peak of its war against the Zebra Empire, Bittersweet is forced to deal with the conditions of a harsh new world.
For the Fallout: Equestria group's 500 member writing competition, using the theme "before the bombs."
Chapters (1)
I might have written a story for this contest, myself, but my vote (which doesn't count) is on this story. We apparently have some similar tastes.
Please keep writing, and keep the subtlety up; there are many of us who enjoy savoring our meals, not to mention working for them.
Nice use of random tense. Helps us get inside her confused head.
One thing: "He was onto Bittersweet in a flash." Don't you mean Spearmint?
Please keep writing.
So... Rather ironic in a way that when I read this do I have some insomnia, or at least are light headed as if I had it. None the less would I mean that this is a good story, so pat yourself on the shoulder dude. Although I would like to say that I really had a hard time with all those tenses that jumped around, but it is easy to see that it is intentional and an element to build up the uncannyness of being between two dreams, and not knowing which one there are real, or if any of the two are it. The only thing that I could have wanted was some future tense for some reason, really fuck with our minds like only dreams can. Those where you know what there happens before you do the thing that you know will come.
Here are a little list with nitpicks that I found:
" In a life half spent in dream" Should it not be plural dreams?
2Just minutes before, I was asleep." You have a double space before this sentence.
"A conveyor funneled parts off a drop." You have a double space between off and a here.
" We’re all in this together. But I know that it isn’t true." You have a double space before your second sentence here.
" There was a pair of scissors somewhere in there, and I rushed the stallion with it." scissors are weirdly enough plural, so it should end with a them.
" And that was just in the city." Should it not be a this instead of the?
"Just as it has rid me of mine." Should it not be a had instead of has? I don´t know if my nitpick are right this time, but my brain would really want that had here.
2789852
And yet again is it shown that my Danish understanding of the English language is flawed, but at least did I help a little bit
Huh... random click brings me somewhere interesting... I'll have to check this out when I have a little more time (taking a break between classes atm). Mostly commenting right now because I wish I had known of this competition. I started a fic a month or so back that starts before the bombs fell and just sent the second chapter off to an editor. Would have totally submitted that, or some off shoot of it, for this competition if I had known.
Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)
Wow. I was not expecting something like this.
Very well written. Even the unedited version, I'm sure was great.
Trapped in a world of dreams, sometimes not even sure if you are awake, and finally waking only to find yourself in Hell.
I hope to see more stories from you in the future.
That was a delightful read, honestly! Loved it, very strong