Making Muffins

by Glimglam

The Noble Quest For Muffins

Muffins. Making muffins. Derpy Hooves liked making muffins. Hell, she LOVED making the dang things. It’s not hard to imagine making muffins being her secret fetish, for Luna’s sake.

Oh, but she liked eating muffins most of all.

The blueberry ones, especially.

Yum.

Ingredients aren’t that hard to come by, really. Anypony can make muffins. No one just finds the time to bake anymore, which is sad. Not making muffins is sad.

It made Derpy sad.

You sick bastard, you just made Derpy cry! How could you be so cruel with your not-making-muffin demeanors?!

I don’t even know you anymore, man. You’re dead to me.

...But, it didn’t matter a whole lot in the end, I guess. Ponies will be ponies, and at the end of the day, they’ll do whatever the hell their tiny little brains can conjure up.

Like kicking trees.

Seriously, who’d be that crazy enough to kick a tree? It’d probably hurt like hell. Not that Derpy would know of course, she’s never been stupid enough to kick a tree.

Not that stupid, anyway.

I mean, there WAS that incident with the thundercloud, and the town hall getting trashed or something, but she didn’t give two bucks what other ponies thought of her antics.

Why?

Because she’s Derpy-frickin’-Hooves, man. That’s why.

You don’t mess with the Derps.

Anyway, I think I’m getting off-topic. What was I talking about? ...Baking muffins? Alright, back to that, then.

Ya see, Derps had just picked up this sweet new kitchen stove for her cloud house. Of course, it was a really, really heavy stove, and the damn thing just fell straight through the floor as soon as she put it in place. It probably hit some unicorn on the head or something underneath, she didn’t really know. Or care, really.

It was her own damn fault for insisting on being there, though.

Hey, anything could happen, but you would think that she would have seen that thing coming. Clouds weren’t meant to hold up all that heavy shit, anyway. It’s why you rarely see a fat pegasi; those puffy little clouds can’t handle all that blubber.

And no, Derpy’s plot doesn’t count. Stop asking.

So then, the poor mailmare had to go and ask Pinkie Pie, obviously the only other pony in Ponyville who could help, to use her stove. Pinks was pretty chill with it, and decided to give Derps the go-ahead. Which was really nice of her.

Those cupcakes of suspiciously dubious origin were finished, anyway.

The ingredients were all there, of course. Flour, sugar, asbestos; everything needed to either make muffins, or poison an entire boardroom meeting. Which is really fun, by the way; next time you’re ever cooking for The Man, give it a try. Never before has getting revenge for those over-inflated taxes ever felt so awesome.

Speaking of awesome, guess who flew inside right when good ol’ Derpy was ready to bake? Rainbow Dash, of course. Naturally, the daredevil pegasus chose to ask her why the heck she was there, and Derps responded by saying, “Oops, my bad!” or some other stuff to that effect.

Derpy has a way with words, you see.

And then she got kicked out into the street. You know, kinda like that leech of a cousin who says he’s gonna get a job, but he doesn’t, and then you get kinda pissed off and no matter how many times you threaten to break his legs, he still insists on staying and mooching off of your cookies and soda, so you finally kick him out into the street. Just like what RD did to poor Derps.

Jeez, what a bitch.

Anyway, brave Derpy Hooves isn’t the kind of mare to give so easily, no sir. She went ahead and visited every one of her dear friends all around town, to see if any of them would be ever-so-kind enough to offer her usage of their muffin-making devices. What’s the “mainstream” word that people use, again? Stoves? Sure, let’s roll with that.

But for some weird reason, most of them completely ignored her. Either that, or they’d talk to her one minute, and then look away and act as if they don’t even remember her anymore. Which is strange, because that kinda reminds me of that one really long and sappy fanfic about that random background pony written by that one really popular guy who’s apparently obsessed with leggy princesses and random shit blowing up. He’s pretty cool, I suppose.

The ending sucked, though.

Also, I kinda feel like I oughta mention that Derpy doesn’t get why so many ponies are bitching about getting paired up with other ponies for no particular reason at all. For some reason, a bunch of ponies think it’s HER fault. Apparently, they think she got a job as a matchmaker or something. But, c’mon people, Twilight x Blueblood? The Derps don’t ship that. Really. Be serious now.

Anyway, it seemed pretty obvious that Derpy wasn’t gonna get to bake any muffins after all. Which is a darn shame, ‘cause they’d probably taste like a slice-o’-heaven.

Or just muffins. Either or, really.

So, sick and tired of all this bullshit about baking muffins, Derpy throws up her hooves and yells, “BUCK IT!” before proceeding to the nearest grocery mart, and simply buying some freshly store-baked muffins for a dime a dozen.

And who cares if dimes aren’t even a real Equestrian currency? Ever hear of inflation? Those little hunks of metal will be worth billions one day, trust me.

Come to think of it, where did “bits” come from, anyway? I know there’s that little jingle that goes, “shave and a haircut; two bits!” and all, but I still don’t get it. Why not call them something cooler, like...

Like...

Goins.

Yeah, goins.

You know, like “gold” and “coin” mixed together. Bits are made of gold, after all. They are made of gold, right? Or... maybe some other yellow metal. They could even be made of friggin’ painted wood, for all you know.

Hell, I never read that guide book. Don’t ask me.

Derpy heads back to her less-than-humble abode with her muffins in tow, and decides to give one a quick taste test.

It tasted like raspberries.

And bubblegum. God, I love bubblegum.

Why do I like bubblegum? Well, it’s a long story, and it involved a turnip, a bucket of paint, and three extremely drunk and kinky mares. I’d rather just leave it at that, folks.

...Seriously. Quit asking about it. You’ll never survive.

As I was saying, Derpy had just returned home with her awesome to discover something terrible: some bitch had stomped apart her flower garden! Or bitches, as the case might be, as she then noticed those three really crazy fillies that are always trying to find ways to get those tattoos on their thighs. Yep, not flanks—THIGHS, people. Everyone calls them blank-flanks, but just so you folks know, that is NOT the correct term. Horse flanks are nowhere near where those tattoo things are supposed to be—what are they called again, cutie marks? Yeah, those.

Get your facts straight, folks. Jeez.

Anyway, those fillies were trying to get their thigh tattoo in gardening or something, but even the Derps could see that they were the epitome of epic failure in that department. But still, being the awesomely kind and nice mare that she is, Derpy let those three get off scot-free, without a spanking.

She was totally telling their mothers, though.

Speaking of fillies, the Derps has a little filly of her own, wouldn’t ya know. And she’s probably the most fucking adorable thing you will ever lay your squishy mortal eyes on. Her name? Dinky. And don’t laugh! Even though it’s a really silly name, if you dared laugh at it, then the Derp WILL find you, and she will not hesitate to fuck you up.

So watch out, pal.

Derpy went back inside her house, and gave her little Dinky a great big bear hug. (She’s not really a bear of course, but that’s the closest thing I could think of when trying to come up with a half-decent description.) And then, they both shared in some of the muffins that dear old mum had bought for them both. I gave myself diabetes trying to come up with a more accurate description, so in the interest of a longer lifespan, I’ll simply leave it at that.

While they were eating their awesomely-store-baked muffins, cute lil’ Dinky turns to her mum and asks: “Mommy, why was Rainbow Dash licking the spot where Pinkie Pie pees out of?”

To which Derpy simply smiled and replied, “Well, they were making muffins, my little muffin.”

Ya see, Derpy don’t subscribe to that birds ‘n bees bullshit; she tells it like it is. And then, Derpy proceeded to lecture innocent little Dinky on the importance of true love, interpreting the ideal mate, and the many safe sex practices.

Licking the place a girl pees out of wasn’t among them.

So yeah, that’s pretty much how her day went so far. Just a normal, average day in Equestria for the Derps.

Kickin’ back at home, with one leg wrapped around her Dinky, and a kickass muffin cradled in the other.

U jelly, non-Derps?

~END~

Author's Note:

Time Taken: 29 minutes to write first draft. Has been slightly edited, but is still the original story. As I said before, this was more-or-less produced from boredom. Take from it what you will. I promise to get back to writing serious fics next time guys, I promise. I need to lie down...

Comments

[littletea10]

That. was. beautiful. HURRAH

[Onced]

Good story, Derpy for you

[FanOfMostEverything]

Well, that was incredibly bizarre. Still, it featured best pony, so I can't complain. Too much. Still, you might want to hold an intervention for your narrator. That guy's clearly strung out on something.

[Glimglam]

2758375 Jeez, you're telling me. Celestia only knows that I've tried to get that guy into rehab, but he can be kind of an ass to deal with. He just flat-out refuses to talk to me, sometimes! I don't know why I work with him still...

But anyway, I'm glad you... "liked" it so much. Maybe I'll hang on to this guy for a while after all.

[Themaskedferret]

I like to include quotes I love in my comments to show my favourite bits but honestly it would be almost the entire fic. The SS&E was fantastic and then the S&H ref had me on the floor laughing as the author is a good friend of mine. Definitely going to ref this to him as I know it'll make him giggle.

Don't you love how I assume I got the references? ;)