A TALE, PROUDLY PRESENTED BY THE RAPSCALLIONS:
MisterMoniker and Rust
Chapter 1
On a bright, sunny morning, one of the final golden spasms of a fading summer, in a dirty shack of a building on the corner of Hayweather and Trumbull, a small face was framed by corpse-still curtains as it graced a cracked window sill.
The face, belonging to a young palomino colt running by the moniker of “Pipsqueak,” could have been described as the very incarnation of Discord’s rarely-mentioned inbred cousin, Boredom. Forelimbs resting easily on the sill, one hoof squashing his cherubic features into a comical frown, Pipsqueak was finding himself rather immersed in his usual weekday routine.
Watching mold grow.
Two competing strains were currently battling for supremacy of the window’s filthy facade, one of a spongy, dark origin, and the other light and bearing a feathery texture. Pipsqueak had been observing them simply out a lack of other things to do, finding their primeval struggle to edge the other out to be just morbidly fascinating enough to garner his attentions. It was better than listening to his depressing guardian and the other saps inhabiting the poor excuse for an orphanage.
Yes, he was an orphan, a fact that he had come to terms with — no sir, no repression here, thank you very much. Native to Trottingham, his mother had perished in the last great outbreak of hoof rot, and his father had vanished into the mean streets. With no other family to speak of, and preferring to avoid Trottingham’s already-overcrowded system, he had been placed in the Young Sapling’s Home for Parentless Waifs, the shining star of caring and sharing that Ponyville was so well known for.
It wasn’t so bad. There was enough food to go around at the moment, it hadn’t rained in a while so the holey roof wasn’t much of an issue, and there was usually an abundance of mischief he could get up to. Except for days like today.
Pip sneezed. Perhaps he shouldn’t be sitting so close to the mold. Sunbeam has eaten some last week and started acting really funny, babbling on about how he could, “Feel the earth rotating, dude.” Weirdo.
The colt hopped off his little wooden crate by the window and trudged through the dormitory’s center aisle, flanked on either side by rows and rows of triple-decker bunk beds. Each bunk was three stories high, the third hastily bolted on with rotting plywood and rusty nails. Here and there other younglings went about their weekly chores, cleaning, mopping, and dusting. Nopony could go outside until they were all done, and Pipsqueak’s fellow inmates were so slow they made Rainbow Dash nauseous.
Pip jumped onto his bed and rolled over, staring at the plywood bottom of the bunk atop him. He kicked at it. “Gaaaaauuuugghhhhh.”
“Oy! Knock that off!”
“Sorry,” Pipsqueak mumbled to the plywood. “...except not really,” he added under his breath.
He flopped over onto his head, staring back out the window he’d just been sitting at, but now paying much more attention to the astonishingly glorious day that could be seen through the warring fungus. The sun was hanging high over the Ponyville sky, a fat golden blob of heat and light.
He wondered if that meant Princess Celestia was watching over him. Her sister was nice enough... Pip smiled as he recalled a Nightmare Night several seasons ago. Perhaps the Sun Princess could hear him. Maybe she could help him out. Was it strange to pray to her? He'd seen ponies whisper her name before. Eh, it was worth a shot.
Pip scrunched his eyes shut.
“Princess Celestia?"
He held his breath, ears pricked to intercept the slightest of divine whisperings...
Nothing.
Well, he'd already started. Might as well go for broke!
"If you can hear me, I wanna make a wish.”
He peeked an eye open. Nothing. He closed it again, whispering, “I wish for something cool to happen to me today. Something interesting, something that isn’t boring, or having to do with cleaning or chores. I wish... I wish for an adventure.”
Celestia must not have heard him, though, because nothing happened. Pipsqueak sighed to himself and began to prepare for what was surely going to be the worst day ever.
DING-DONG!
With essential sponsorship from Captain Morgan, Hasbro, the NSA, and readers like you...
On second thought...
“ADOPTERS, EVERYPONY!” somepony yelled. With that, the dormitory exploded into activity as mops, brooms, and half-folded laundry was tossed aside and every single colt and filly in the room surged through the room, out the door, down the stairs, and into the main foyer of the building, a tidal wave of shrieking, stampeding children that swallowed everything in its path.
The orphanage director, one Mister Wood, was caught with a hoof on the door, turning around as a horrified expression on his face grew and grew at the sight of the tsunami of adorableness heading right for him. He seized a ratty umbrella from the nearby stand and whirled it above his head as the wave closed in around him. “Back! Back, you savages! Hah!” Orphans went flying left and right as the stallion held his ground, nearly carried off his feet by the rush. He brandished it, opening and closing it rapidly, yelling at the top of his lungs. The waifs finally turned and fled around the corners and to the relative safety of the stairs.
“Honestly, we go through this every single time the doorbell rings,” he muttered. Mister Wood turned and wrenched the door open. “Yes? Hello...!?”
The visitor took up the entire doorway, having to lower his massive head to peer in at the director. It was a minotaur, dark as sin and seemingly chiseled from stone, red eyes glaring at the squalor of the orphanage. Huge, gleaming black horns stood out a full two feet from either side of its head, and a solid gold ring dangled from a snorting nose.
“Um...,” was all the director could say. Behind him, the orphans peeked out from their corners and closets.
“IS THIS THE YOUNG SAPLING’S HOME FOR PARENTLESS WAIFS.” The minotaur’s voice was louder than two mountain giants dry-humping each other and nearly as horrifying.
“Y-yes...?”
“AND ARE YOU ONE MOURNING WOOD, THE PONY IN CHARGE.”
Mister Wood swallowed. “I-I-I prefer just Mister W-wood. Uh. And I am.”
“I AM HERE TO ADOPT A CHILD.”
“W-well, that’s very nice to hear, let’s just go into —”
“THAT ONE.” The minotaur pointed a gargantuan black finger into the orphanage, straight at the wide eyes of a certain palomino colt.
Pip blinked.
“Wait, what?”
P I P P I N ' A I N ' T E A S Y
-based on a true story-
I dunno...that Moniker guy is kind of a douche.
I read the last word as Douchebaggery. I really like this story idea though!
edit: 3065580 inorite
What could possibly go wrong?
This sounds... fucking awesome.
... kinda sounds like that anime show called Reborn. I liked that show, therefore I shall read this. When there's more chapters put up.
3065670
Sorry about the lack of material published. We've actually got seven chapters all ready to go, but Moniker and I are busy with military stuff so we have to release it slowly.
3065694 It's okay, just commenting that this sounds like something I watched and that I'd be actually reading it when there's more up
Oh, you have an error in your comment as well.
Oh my... two masters of the LOL's, the depravity of the this fic is sure to astound and captivate. I feel myself becoming more of a degenerate even as I type this. Only way this could be better is if Button's Mom makes an appearance... because Button's Mom.
3065794
On that note, my Button's Mom/fistful of steel wool clopfic is due any time now.
3065819
Now that I think about it, having her make a small appearance in here could set up a wonderfully scathing observation of the fact that everyone seems to want to plow Button's mom.
3065832
Well, I'm on it. Shamelessly plugging her into the next chapter now.
3065835
Shameless
top lel
i.imgur.com/JAcGzcv.gif
3065865
Yeah, I'll be keeping that .gif.
i.imgur.com/MaDFZY9.gif
I'm already loving it.
Mourning Wood
Dry-humping mountain giants
Psychedelic mould
Sponsored by Captain Morgan
All that in one thousand words.
ownyourawesome.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/bill-murray-awesome.jpg
3065835 your welcome btw its less about the actual clop appeal and more about the fact that everyone seems to want a piece of dat flank, as you said. If you take the piss out of that I'd love you forever.
This sentence alone earned you a favorite and like.
I read this while listening to a Motley Crue song...
Best damn decision ever.
For Pip, everything's easy.
The way this is written not like reading a story, but reading a movie!.....or would that be watching a story? O_o
As I was saying, that's quite the intro. XD
3067313
I actually played a lot of Borderlands 2 before starting this. So that might have influenced things a little.
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_maqexwhGz41rs5y5lo1_400.gif
Erraday.
3065580
media.tumblr.com/8813b8e7ad0bf200a167f19c9ab8bae4/tumblr_inline_mg3afmHp841r4ya8j.gif
Oh sweet Celestia, I couldn't stop laughing. Good job!
This... This will be a tale for the history books.
I am ready.
~Skeeter The Luker
*reads* *does a spit take*
MOAR NOW.
Mourning Wood. Dry humping. Pippin'.
The classiest fic to ever grace this site.
3067770
Yep. Gotta agree with you. The class of this site has just increased by at least tenfold.
This is gonna be good.
fimfiction-static.net/images/story_images/113593_r.jpg?1372480508
............Nuf sed.....
O.K., you have my attention. I'll keep reading.
So where's the story? This is just an expanded synopsis.
3068444
It's actually going to be released on a weekly basis. Moniker and I had to space it out a lot, on account of him being in Afghanistan and me training at Great Lakes. While we're away, our publisher will be releasing our pre-written chapters, so that when we come back we can get right into the pace without causing you, the beloved reader, any real delay.
Sorry for having not much out there at first. At least come back next Sunday before letting judgement fall.
This story is going to be legendary. Legendary.
3067770
We do our best.
3068444
...But was it a sexy synopsis?
Mourning Wood makes me think of Fable 3, amongst other things.
It's been far too long since I read a Rust or M2 story. And this story is both, so hey...
I honestly don't know what to say...
Other than the fact that Pipsqueak is a pinto, not a palomino.
Now if you'll excuse me I'll be over here with my brain bleach.
I am already enjoying this.
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No... I don't believe it.
No one colt should have all that power.
Might want to keep an eye on that formatting - generally, you try to keep all the letters of one word together.
Other than that, and the fact that 'palomino' would more accurately describe Carrot Top rather than Pipsqueak, this looks good.
Huh... I came up with a similar idea to this, only it was Fluttershy who inherited the organisation.
I was going to call it "The Godfeather"
This....this is going to be amazing.
Sometimes I really wish I could write more comedic stories instead of sticking to big, epic adventure-type stories. Because hot damn, if I could apply my creativity to comedic pursuits, I'd probably come up with something amazing like this!
Now all we need is a grown-up Pipsqueak approaching Luna with 'an offer she can't refuse', and proposing to her....or something like that. But that's more for a serious version of this story. Gah, see what I mean?! Not a comedic bone in my body!
Awesome. Simply awesome.
3065670
Kinda does.
You've got me interested. I think I'm gonna see where this goes.
3071160 I'm saying that from just reading the description, but it's good that I'm able to attract readers to stories with just my preliminary comments
Money in the bank, pimpin ain't easy...
Maybe will read later.
3071192 Dat profile picture <3
Wait...a KID BECOMES A BOSS OF THAT TYPE OF GROUP?! THIS I gotta read later!