Everyone knows the story of how Equestria was founded, and of the Elements of Harmony but no one knows where the Elements came from and the role they played in the building of Equestria. Here is a brief look into the Elements, and the first to wield them before the two princesses.
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It's an interesting concept, but two major, major issues have arisen.
FIRST: What needs to be noted here is a lack of most punctuation. Commas and other things to designate clauses of a sentence are simply not there. An editor, even running this story through MS Word can help with that problem.
SECOND: Back to what I said up above: it certainly is an interesting concept. The problem is, you're telling us what happened instead of showing.
To show you how many more words can be squeezed out of this, I'm going to rewrite a passage. Is that OK?
BAZINGA
I just turned three lines into three paragraphs. I could squeeze more out of those three lines, even, if I wasn't completely exhausted. But that was good, right? Skimping out on the descriptions is not the way to go, no matter what you're writing.
Remember what I told you, and you could turn this into a hell of a fic.
BR
2733564 Thanks for the tips on writing I'm working on perfecting the way I use commas and paragraphs. I appreciate constructive criticism ^^
And I wrote it in this fashion because I wanted it to be like reading a history book and history books don't go into detail about events just a brief look into them. That's the reason I didn't put in detail but I may do a story on this subject later on ,having the characters experiencing this and go into more detail.