Sequel to Fallen Stars
Eight years have passed since the grand queen of the Changelings, Madora, failed to besiege Equestria in an attempt to bring it to its knees. Now, Equestria has seen a time of peace like no other, with every threat either reforming or falling beneath its banner.
But the greatest threat to Equestria has only just begun to make its move, one who has power far beyond that of the Elements of Harmony. With the six ponies that brought justice to the land scattered throughout Equestria due to their dreams of excelling in the world, and some ponies even becoming corrupted from the inside, will the power of Friendship finally meet its match?
Characters originate from This Story.
Chapters (14)
Im open to any critisism, so if you think i may have messed up somewhere or left something out, be sure to let me know and i'll see what i can do!
:D
I saw your request for help on the 'authors helping authors' page and thought I would look this story over.
I should start by saying I'm no expert, I'm just getting started myself, but I think you may be dealing with a few of the same problems I am. I'm working on 'Our Girl Scootaloo' and one of the problems I had was that when the story starts, the only character from the show is Scootaloo. That meant that I had to do all the heavy lifting of character development right from the beginning. Fanfic is supposed to be easier because normally all the heavy lifting is done for you. You don't have to tell your readers who the characters are, and you don't have to build a bond with them and explain why they should care. It's the difference between building with legos and starting with plastic pellets waiting to be molded into something. You can do a lot more with raw plastic, but it takes much greater skill, and more time. Better to start with legos.
I tried to fix the problem by writing a lot more character development into my story, and prefacing the story with a 'writer's hypothesis' startup. This way, the first thing the readers sees are characters they're familiar with, and a decent hook to keep them reading and give them a reason to care about the fic. (Again, I had help to get to this point.)
Because I (like most other first time readers) will not have read your first story, the tale of the human/demon walking through the snow, then hurting a bit player from the show doesn't make me care, it just makes me casually dislike the character. A bit of thought reveals the character is apparently a bully (he could have skipped the fight but didn't), but that he doesn't have the stomach to cause real pain despite his appearance (that fight could have gone much darker after he won, but it didn't, because he didn't want it to.) If you can't revile what he is yet, then start with some characters we know. Tie the characters you're writing about to some event or character from the show and do those snow/hell scenes as dreams the poor OC has after we have been given a reason to care about her.
Hope this helps,
Cozy Mark IV
2902519
Who he is will be revealed in an upcoming chapter (either the next or the one after). Without trying to give too much away, he could easily kill Cerberus, but chooses not to because Cerberus is needed to guard the entrance to Tartarus. The way he was able to tame the beast is an ability unique to him, which would be shown shortly after his reveal, as well as why he needed to fight in the first place.
As well, i like to use the prologue chapters to give a hint towards who/what an antagonist may or may not be, as well as small hints at their intentions.
Needs attention. Lots and lots of attention.
Animal Farm by George Orwell?
Do like. Demons and Dragon Ball fights? You got it!
3242097
Indeed
3244406 Sweeeeet. English class actually helped me in life.
For those of you who may not know, part of the reason my chapters are delayed is because I am rewriting Fallen Stars to eradicate typos and make it all flow better. Maybe take a step back, see how it looks?
Why do some of the chapters have *'s next to them?
5075759
Those are chapters that I have gone back to, reread and edited in hopes of fixing flow and grammar issues