Previous Chapters
Close
Just Hanging762 words
The Third Judge1,058 words
Fashion Victoms Gone TOO Far708 words
Everypony's Got a Dark Side362 words
Calm Down or Go Down691 words

Calm Down or Go Down

Alice Bones stomped, groggily down the stairs as Applejack smiled, flipping pancakes for the family.

"Hay Apple Bloom, you want some pancakes?" Applejack asked grabbing her a plate.

Alice was not amused and stood there with her arms crossed, frowning.

"It isn't Apple Bloom anymore, it's Alice Bones." Alice Bones sat down with a frown on her face still, turning away from Applejack's confused eyes. "And Ah don't want no pancakes." Alice said before completely facing the wall.

Applejack stopped the grill and walked over to her little sister. She patted her hoof and took a seat.

"Apple Bloom, are you going through one of those "phases"," She said smiling lightly at the yellow filly's face.

Alice just smiled a crack at the end of her mouth, then all of a sudden the frown just came upon her again and that madfe Applejack frown.

"Listen Applejack, I'm not Apple Bloom anymore. Apple Bloom got pushed around by bullies and was friends with the Cutie mark Crusaders. Now Alice, is tough and friends with nobody." Alice Bones said straightening in her chair.

"Not even her family." Applejack smiled again and held Alice's hoof with hers.

Alice just jerked away and galloped upstairs, leaving Applejack speechless.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Both of the fillies burst into the yellow and pink decor room to see Alice Bones carving a skull and crossbones on her dresser. All of a sudden, Alice turned to face the two ponies.

"Apple Bloom, we need to talk." Sweetie Belle put in as Alice was dropping the black paint on the floor.

"My name isn't Apple Bloom anymore, tell the world that so I never have to hear that awful name again." Alice Bones complained as she flew on top of her bedspread and sighed.

"Do we have to do this? I kinda like her this way." Scootalo said getting a better look at Alice with a tilt of her head.

"Scootalo!" Sweetie Belle yelled, but it was more awkward with the echo of one pony than when there was usually two yelling at her.

"Look Scootalo and Sweetie Belle, you're not gonna change who ah am now." Alice said getting up from her bed and keeping a distance from her old friends.

"We know." Sweetie said with her head hung down.

"That's why we brought in the big guns." Scootalo smiled as her and Sweetie Belle took two steps away from the door.

Alice tilted her head until the pony was there, actually there. Alice couldn't believe her eyes and was gaping at the scene.

"Well cuz, I hear you're in the dumps." The brownish orange filly walked close to the former Apple Bloom who has turned in to a total emo pony.

"B-Ba-Babs?" Apple Bloom asked shakily as she couldn't believe the Crusaders got Babs Seed down here. She hit her arm with her hoof to see if she was dreaming, and it appeared to her after she opened her eyes again that this, really was Babs.

"Look cuz, just because some pony picked on ya, doesn't mean you have to change your whole self." Babs imputed mimicking Apple Bloom's choice of wardrobe.

"You may be right, but if I change, Silver Spoon will still make fun of me." Apple Bloom hung her head down.

"Apple Bloom, you are the perfect Apple Bloom, even if you're picked on, everypony is at one time or another. You are never going to be a perfect Alice Bones. I know that." Babs lectured finishing giving her cousin a hug.

Scootalo and Sweetie Belle were tearing up.

"That was beautiful." Scootalo weeped as Sweetie Belle called for a group hug.

All four Cutie Mark Crusaders gave in, to celebrate that Apple Bloom was back and thankfully, they will never see Alice Bones again...

At least they hope so...

The End.

2,177 views

Previous Chapters

Comments ( 15 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 15
- Newest First
- Oldest First

VampDash

VampDash #1 · Jun 24th, 2013 · · ·

That's an impressive story you have written. So Alice Bones may come back.

Alicorn Forever

Alicorn Forever #2 · Jun 24th, 2013 · · ·

Thank you! and yes... possibly

Alicorn Forever

Alicorn Forever #3 · Jun 24th, 2013 · · ·

>>>>Dragondash

EquesTRON

EquesTRON #4 · Jun 24th, 2013 · · ·

It's spelled "foal", not "foul."

Honestly? I liked the idea, but it feels somewhat rushed. The ending was far too quick and simplistic; Applebloom decides to be a "bad foal", trots through a couple of fairly minor conflicts, then is immediately yanked back to her old self just by a couple of words from Babs Seed? (How did they get her to come all the way from Manehattan on such short notice? That would need them to raise money for a train ticket and get permission from her parents, at least...)

The idea of Applebloom (or one of the other CMCs) finally snapping under Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon's constant bullying, and becoming bullies themselves in the process of getting back at them is a reasonable one (and one that could certainly have been explored a lot better than "One Bad Seed" did), but it needs a more in-depth exploration to really engage your reader. The rushed pace and short chapter lengths told me instantly that AB's supposed turn to the dark side wouldn't last longer than a few paragraphs, so the story was completely predictable and there was no real sense of drama, I'm afraid.

Again, the concept was good; you just should have explored it in a lot more detail. Even in a comedy, there needs to be something at stake for the characters and the reader. Slow your pacing, draw out the conflict so that the reader feels there are real stakes here and that there's a possibility AB might not come back from the dark side, and make her friends have to work at trying to pull her back.

Mudpony

Mudpony #5 · Jun 24th, 2013 · · ·

Cute idea, but rushed in the execution.

The story would benefit from more Alice Bones, showing us how New Apple Bloom acts in a few situations where we would reasonably know how Old Apple Bloom acts. Think like "Putting Your Hoof Down", where it shows Fluttershy in several situations (tourist, mailman, taxi, the line at Sugarcube Corner, the bridge), as well as her getting into a fight with Pinkie and Rarity.

The bird bit is a good start, but give us a bit more. Does Alice still wear the bow? How does Alice's first interaction with DT and Spoon go? What do Scootaloo and Sweetie think of that? How does Alice interact with them? Show us at least one day with Alice, because right now, you spend ~2,400 words setting up the transformation into Alice, ~600 on the resolution, but only ~400 as Alice. Give us some Bad Bloom

The story also doesn't need the dark tag.

Instead of _______ to make scene breaks, you can use the horizontal rule tag. [hr] will result in a line like this:

There's also a decent number of grammatical and spelling errors. The bigger ones:
1. Scootaloo, not Scootalo.
2. Misspelled Apple Bloom in both descriptions. It is right in the story though.
3. In chapter one, there's a lot of tense issues in the last bit. Your story is written in past tense, but you slip into present tense at the end of the chapter.
4. Single word numbers should be written out as words. 'Five', not 5; 'twenty-five', not 25.
5. Conversation grammar needs a little work. You're doing this:

"Blah blah blah." She said.

When you've got a period before the end quotation mark that is followed by a conversation attribution (he shouted, she said, etc.), the period gets replaced with a comma. The conversation attribution is also part of the same sentence, so does not get capitalized unless there's another reason to do so. So it should look like:

"Blah blah blah," she said.

Ezn's guide has some good examples, both of what to do and what not to do.

KawaiiKun

KawaiiKun #6 · Jul 10th, 2013 · · ·

... Am I the only one confused as to what the hell just decided to flop out of Babs Seed's mouth and die of a heart attack due to hypertension?

Way too rushed. I kind of feel like this is a play on when Fluttershy got assertive, but like a cheaper, more low-budget version. No offense to the writer, it's just the premise is too alike to be an original idea, and it wasn't exactly executed all that well, just saying.

Giraffepony