Willow Wisp is a troubled young mare. Her old life is in ruins, and she's completely alone for the very first time. With her old life in ruins, can she build a new life and get the girl?
Thanks to Everhopeful/Scoperocker, whose help and patience were invaluable.
Thanks to Mindblower, making a prereader of me and connecting me with Everhopeful/Scoperocker in the first place.
NEW DESCRIPTION, SAME HIATUS; I will come back to this series with a whole new vision, and sidefics and maybe even a WIFE-N-KID SEQUEL, but Eclipse is my true Pony Passion Project.
Chapters (10)
Oh. I hoped deleting the old chapters wouldn't delete the comments. Ah well, it's hardly the same story now, anyway, mechanically.
Anyway, everything is rebooted and shined up good now, and I'm feeling good about continuing the story now. I hope you guys enjoy it, I've worked hard on this crap. lol
4139596 awwwww i really liked the old chapters.
4140360
Don't worry, it's not like I'm making it into a totally different story, the stuff from those chapters will show back up.
Some, anyway. Dusty is gone, we don't meet Wintergreen yet, there's no housefire right now, Cloud Kicker isn't going to show up yet... And those parts of chapters 3 and 4 weren't that big a deal. Almost all of chapter 5 was the flashback, and that's still going to happen, with minor changes.
The story is being changed for the better. If I'd left it be, there's no way I'd be able to keep writing it like I feel I can now, lol.
However, I am sorry if you miss the old chapters or anything in them. But again, things are largely the same still. Just... Better-paced and improved.
4140456 ok well. ill see and enjoy it
no matter what.
Shouldn't that be complexion?
4142514
Yes, it should. lol
Thank you.
This is looking very good, although I am wondering why you are removing Cloud Kicker. I feel like it is almost inevitable that she would be at the welcome party to see about setting up her own "welcome party" so I would expect her to make a cameo of some kind even if it is only a few lines. After all, it is probably way too soon for Wisp to be thinking about sex so I would expect a harsh rebuttal so it is not a big deal, but it does make sense for her to show up briefly. Of course, this is assuming you actually show the party which is probably not really necessary, although it would be a good way to establish Wisp's relationships with some of the other named characters.
4149771
I haven't written her into the party or anything like that, yet (and the party is kind of summed up in retrospect), but indeed, she's going to be showing up sometime. I was at first trying to not have too much happen to quick in the revised story here, but you're right, it'd make sense for her to show up at the welcome party or something. Especially since this is before Hearts and Hooves Day, Cloud is still Free Birding.
Besides, with some developments and realizations I've had tonight, the would-be production speed of the story may be slowed down significantly (I'm going to try and find another editor I can work closely with, and more often), there's all kinds of time for me to work that out.
And indeed, Wisp wouldn't exactly be ready for sex so soon after her little breakup, at least with the way Cloud would immediately slap her upside the face with the idea. Memories of time spent with her special somepony, etc. So whenever there is another update, I imagine that matter will come up then, or soon after.
That was very good. The party felt like it was on target and working well overall even if it could probably have used a bit more fleshing out, and that conversation at the end was great.
4572380
Oh? I'm delighted to hear it. It occurred to me more than once (and generally does with any update) that scenes definitely weren't going on as long as it felt, what with all the time spent on various scenes, and with the bar scene in general I was a bit worried if it would be enough. lol
And yeah, I'm pretty proud of that last bit. It amuses me even now just thinking about it. Again, I worried about length, but there comes a point where little or nothing more comes to mind and/or I should just move on.
Still, I'm glad you enjoyed what's there. And I'll have you know that a similar (enough) kind of scene will be coming up pretty soon ("soon" meaning "probably a chapter or two," of course), and I'm sure there will be no shortage of shenanigans in the future.
I mean, you see how the twins get when they're drunk. Imagine what happens once they start making bets and/or dares.
4572922 It sounds like there is a lot of fun coming then.
As for the pacing/length issue, that is actually not that hard to solve because you do not actually need to come up with any additional material. All you really need to do is go through the section that is flowing too fast and substitute words for longer and/or less common synonyms or add extra descriptive words. This will cause the reader to take a bit longer to work through the material which helps with the pacing issue and adds a bit more depth to the story. You will occasionally hear people call this kind of embellishment "purple prose" and try to tell you it is evil, but it has an important place in writing so long as you are conscious of how you are using it.
Pulling a bit from the encounter with Cloud as an example, you could rewrite this paragraph as follows:
Wisp was bewildered by the pained look in Cloud Kicker's wide eyes. In her aggravated state, Wisp found Cloud's folded ears and submissive posture moderately cathartic. "Woah! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
I also did a bit of rearrangement to make things work a bit better with a slower, more complex structure, but everything is still there plus a few extra details. The one significant change I made was swapping out the phrase "at the time" for "in her aggravated state" to indicate that this is more a function of mood than time because I am assuming she will regret it to some extent as soon as she calms down. It is possible that you were intending for this dislike to extend until Wisp gets over the breakup in which case a time statement would be more appropriate than an emotional statement, although if that is really the case it would probably be best to leave out any indication of future regret because it will not happen for many chapters and will presumably be a significant event when it does happen.
I hope this helps.
4576094
Actually, I've been thinking to myself repeatedly that I could use some improvement on exactly that. I definitely feel like much of what I put out appears rather... quick. Chapter 2, or at least some large swaths of it, lack pretty much any padding. Not much of the scenery is taken more of, much of what happens is worded rather sparse...
It's something I'm definitely meaning to work on. And I'm sure that example of yours will help, so I thank you. Once again. lol
Also, as far as the breakup-getting-over, I'm really not sure how I'm going to pull that off as of yet. It definitely needs to be significant, but I've found myself wondering just how long it might take... Because a marked majority of what I have in mind for the story involves her being over all that. Well... Over the ex, anyways. Still, I do think I know part of how she'll realize it.
But yeah.
Oh, and as far as the timing business goes. Perhaps you're right, but I didn't mean for that much time to seem part of the equation. It's more that in the heat of the moment... Well, as we all will or have learned, Wisp can be a real bitch when she's fired up. ;)
As in, she can be quite rude and mean-spirited in the heat of things, and after the fact, she can be stubborn. Indeed, she'd come to feel bad about taking joy from another's misery, but it could take a bit before she comes to admit and/or realize it.
...What I should be saying is that her getting over that Canterlot pegasus is relevant, but not meant to be explicitly involved with that line there. Aaaand "at the time" has a better ring to it, in my opinion, than "aggravated state." If I give the chapter another once-over, I'll take it into consideration, though. lol
4578492 I am happy to help, and you should definitely not take my change as gospel because I did not put a ton of thought into ironing out the exact right word choice, especially given that I was not sure what kinds of subtleties you were looking to add.
I am less sure about the getting over the ex in Canterlot beyond the fact that she needs to talk about what happened with someone, but the change of scenery should help as should spending more time with her new friends. Cloud may also be a good pony to use for this as well because the twins are going to push Wisp to at least apologize at some point so them at least making up and possibly becoming friends could be a good way to help her get over it, although that may be more cementing the fact that Wisp is over it than anything else.
4585557
Well, yeah. Still, as far as that particular suggestion goes, I didn't have anything else to respond to, so eh. In the end, it's just a thing I might improve on in the future. Likely distant future.
Not that I don't seem a bit too open to suggestions at times.
Anyway, yeah, the getting-over thing shouldn't necessarily be played up all too much, but I do want to be sure to do it justice. That said, the Cloud thing should indeed contribute to her peace of mind.
4586228 Well, it sounds like you have it covered then.
This was a good chapter and I especially liked the intro. I am a bit of a sucker for interesting wording and that was a nice creative use of the English language.
I also liked the part with Wintergreen because throwing the two of them together is creating a hilarious clash of personalities which should be a perpetual source of amusement, especially if you make the tail burning a running gag. I can just see it getting to the point where everyone is very casual about Wisp lighting their asses on fire while the side characters are freaking out. Of course, that is a terrible idea, but it still makes me laugh.
4605113
Haha, that is a funny idea, but with how seriously the story treats her burning ponies, that wouldn't work.
Excellent idea for a comedic spinoff or dream sequence, though.
And I wasn't 100% on whether it was necessary, but I figured that just starting out with her waking up would be boring, so I came up with some not-particularly-clever symbolism to spice things up. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I did think the curt, simplistic language was fun to play with a bit.
But if you liked this chapter, wait till you read the next one. Definitely my best work of the story so far, in my opinion. It's far more serious, but narratively I couldn't be more proud.
Edit: Actually, come to think of it, the tail thing actually could get some good mileage... In time. As a joke, though, not actual fire. But yes, that will do just fine... It'll play wonderfully off this joke I was already planning on making. ;)
4605786 Well, it is always good to know my insanity is useful.
Also, I forgot to mention it earlier, but the pacing issues from a couple chapters ago are gone now and it is definitely improving the story. Everything is really starting to fall into place and I am very much looking forwards to more.
4617332
Heheheheh, exactly. Everything is just feeling and coming out so much better. I don't really know what happened. My only guess is "now I'm out of the beginning slump." Or something. Here's just hoping I get around to bringing the first two up to snuff...
Anyway, as ever, I'm happy to hear it; you and me, both. It's starting to get into what I really want to do with it, and I'm really doing it justice now. I just hope the story continues to propel itself along as it has been, because I'm becoming less sure about what to do next, until, perhaps, the romancing begins.
Oh, and on that note, expect a big chapter. It's starting to approach its end, I think, but it'll top Shooting Star for sure.
That was a good chapter overall, although the recovery after the breakup did seem a bit fast and I feel like you could have used a bit more conversation at the end because it drifted towards telling rather than showing after Cloud left. Beyond that it was all very cute, although I did notice a few little errors.
Parentheses are a bad thing in literature so you should really restructure this sentence in some way to get rid of them.
You forgot to reopen the quote after saying who was speaking.
Wrong gender.
4633512
Yeah, I agree she seems to have gotten over it a bit quickly, which I wasn't intending, but *shrug*. I may be able to change a line here or there to make it seem less like she's magically okay now (because I think of it as more that it's not getting all pent up anymore, and now that she just let it all out and is a bit high on making new friends, she just feels great), but if not, something may come up soon that allows me to clarify things a bit.
Though that'd be after a little time skip, so it would be a bit less effective, perhaps...
And with the chapter's end, well... Yeah. With that, I realized that I was really struggling to come up with anything for them to talk about without it feeling like the chapter was dragging on, I just decided to wrap it up and keep moving rather than risk dipping into chapter 2 levels of trying to make things work. Lol.
As for errors, I always appreciate pointing those out. It's not like I'll see those I miss any other way right now.
4634853 No problem, and I think the best way to fix the getting over it too fast bit is probably to add a bit more negative reactions when Twinkleshine brings up Star.
As for the ending, the best solution might have been to push the entire Sun's Flank scene to the next chapter. That keeps this chapter from dragging on and gives you a bit more room to play with the flirting and the comment about Wisp having a thing for Pegasi. There was a lot of material for teasing in this chapter, and taking advantage of it would have been a good way to explore Twinkleshine's character more because the audience and the twins do not really know her yet.
4638017
I do like the sound of that, and very much agree. I might do something, but if I do, it'll be part of the existing chapter, because chapter 6 skips forward a bit, and I really like how it opens (and this has absolutely nothing to do with a completely random character I suddenly came up with who will in no way be important in any way ever, and do not at all adore). As for the negative reactions bit, I'll check it out.
Still, coming chapter is showing a fair bit about Twinkleshine so far. And with the scene I'm currently working on, I have just as good an opportunity to touch on Twinkleshine's relationship with the pegasi (even if the timing would be better with Sun's Flank :
). And stuff.
But maybe PM me some of those teasing opportunities I missed or something and I may expand on them.
Another good chapter.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
This was good and you are setting up some interesting dynamics with Cloudchaser and Gin's apparent crush, although I still feel like you have not given Twinkleshine enough page time to really flesh out her character so you should really work on that more in future chapters.
Also, these two paragraphs were a glaringly bad case of telling instead of showing so you really need to go through and expand them into real dialog.
4679830
Thanks. I've come up with some ways to make things a bit less... straightforward. And I am very fond of Ginny.
And Twinkleshine... Yes, quite so. I'm gonna be trying to give her plenty of time to... shine and demonstrate just who she is, when appropriate.
As for the other thing, well... That was kinda the point. Rather, to shift a bit into Ginny's obscured perspective for just a moment and glaze over the conversation. Not that actually doing something with that conversation wouldn't be good, but that part of the scene had accomplished what it set out to do and things were ready to shift over to Twinkleshine. Eh.
We'll see. :U
But btw, for example, when you pointed out the parentheses before and said they were evil? I put them back, lol. I readily understand that relying on parentheses is very not good, but using them here and there doesn't hurt anything.
That was very good. Twinkleshine is finally starting to get some character, the humor is working great, and it looks like we have plenty more fun coming up in the near future.
That said, the part of this chapter that really stood out to me was the scene with Wintergreen. It was surprisingly cute given what we have seen of him so far and it has moved him from another face in the crowd to someone I want to read more about in the future.
Also, I found one rather embarrassing error in this chapter.
Cloudchader. Really?
4712045
Hey, don't you judge me! Could do what I do, and just point typos out rather than bein' snippy.
Though I could swear there was an 's' there. Ah well. To everything else: "Thanks!",
, and "oh yes, I have much fun in store..." Even more than I know, perhaps.
4652550
I'm a bit late, but thanks for the comment and the compliment. You didn't say much, but it's always nice to hear something.
Wisp actually tells rarity it's a mare before she asks who.
That was very cute, although the new couple have made a terrible mistake. Rarity is onto them now, and she will not allow anything but her idea of a perfect romantic date.
Also, the ending scene made me curious to see more interaction between Wintergreen and the rest of the cast so I am kind of hoping Wisp will drag him off with them at some point in the near future. Who knows, maybe Twinleshine will wind up getting a date and the rest of the crew can turn the matchmaking wisecracks, and general shenanigans on her.
4764124
Ha, figures I'd miss that. Thanks, I'll go fix that right up.
4766570
Oh, I don't know about that. Twinkleshine is the meddler—Rarity shall be content with a deft touch... For now, at any rate.
And yeah, Wintergreen will be getting some more actual interaction with our other characters sometime. I have no particular ideas in mind yet, but I'm gonna try to get some in before Wintergreen (the chapter) comes.
And yes, if Twinkleshine ever finds a date, it would be a real shame if she were offered a taste of her own medicine, wouldn't it?
4766899 Agreed on all counts, and we have a nice single stallion on hand for Twinkleshine too.
In all seriousness though, there is a lot of room for teasing there even if nothing happens which might be a fun way to make both characters squirm.
4766971
Pfft. Like I enjoy making my characters squirm.
4767017 Just remember, sadism is how authors show their love for their characters.
4767056
*looks at more than one development to come*
Oh, I think I've got that covered.
More is always good, though~
4767503
quickmeme.com/img/ba/baa55df03342db29aea486974e8f6c3cb7322e6b859863a2f3e29388450e85a8.jpg
Jeez, it must hurt to have fire constantly on your flank. Maybe she became fireproof after so long.
So the story is about a willowisp surviving the wasteland?
4909761
More like her descendant, who will be a character all her own.
We may or may not learn what became of Wisp when the bombs hit, though.
4909127
Perhaps. That would certainly help, wouldn't it?
This whole chapter was very cute, although my favorite part was actually the beginning. You really nailed Twilight's character there and the interplay between her and Wisp was great. I also like how you are tying together the characters because it really fits in well with their history and is setting up more potentially interesting dynamics for future chapters. I am especially hoping they manage to drag Twilight out for a night on the town at some point because her awkwardness will be absolutely hilarious when combined with teasing from the rest of the cast.
Also, I am very happy about that invitation because it means we will be seeing a lot more of Wintergreen in the future which should be fun, especially when someone starts hitting on him, either seriously or as a joke.
4912086
Oh? Well, I do like to think I have a decent understanding of the Mane Six, and Twilight is a perfect excuse to use fancy, scientific terminology.
And thanks. Yeah, you can't have a magically talented Canterlot native without some manner of connection to Twilight, eh? And while going out with Twilight isn't a plot point, it may well happen, and I'd like to either way. Wisp sees Pinkie around when she goes to the Corner, and there's Rarity if she needs an outfit, but it's self-evident that she has more in common with Twilight than anyone else, and like you say, the dynamic there is and could be pretty fun.
And yeah, it was the/a right time to extend such an invitation, and Cloudchaser is practical like that. ;)
Just wait till I get next chapter up, though. We're going to get to know a couple very particular ponies, and I plan on shenanigans.
Its been a while since I've seen a good OC romance, they are hard to find And I'm enjoy them when I find them, Wisp is quite well rounded, And I look forward to seeing more of her.
Although One thing I would like to ask, the cutie mark story Implied that she bent a wisp to her will, but you also said that the spell takes a small part of her soul, does that mean that she assimilated a wisp into herself? bound to her like some sort of Familiar?
Anyway, I look foward to more
.
5567355
Heh, you think so? I've felt a bit self-conscious about her characterization lately, and more than that Ibe thought that the romance could've had more organic beginnings (it being a surprise felt easy), but I also don't want to give myself too little credit.
So... Thank you, and sorry for that. lol
Now if I can just stop working on my Fallout: Equestria "sort-of sequel" to give you more...
Anyway, I don't really see it that way, re: the wisp spell. My take on it as that Wisp's wisps (heh) are little different from "natural" ones, besides perhaps being tied specifically to her. I figure that "natural" wisps themselves are left-behind fragments of souls (not necessarily of ponies) that tend towards mischief. Buuuut if I'm ever to write anymore commentary on the subject, I certainly don't have it planned just now, so you can take it as being up to interpretation, if you wish.
Edit: Although, indeed, such "artificial" wisps, with my own explanation, may be considered as familiars if one is inclined to do so. Probably sums them up better than the words I would use, at that.
(Then again, I've never been particularly well-acquainted with the concept of familiars, but you know)
5578917 A familiar is magical pet that is bound to the respective spell-caster, that are usually more intelligent than there animal counterparts and can aid or enhance their owners abilities. At least that's how I understand them.
Her wisps could be seen to fit that description.
Though I am curious, what did happen to that first wisp, the one she hit with the spell?
5579276
I see. I think that was my original guess of ages past, but at some point I wondered if it was a manifestation of the person's will... Or something. In which case the wisps could possibly be that depending on certain specifics of the spell.
But my own answer is that I haven't thought of it that way. Since part of the idea was that hers (or ones that she influences) are contrary to ordinary ones; helpful instead of lead-you-to-your-death. lol
Anywho, the idea is that, inexperienced filly she was, she accidentally "leaked" a bit of soul into that first wisp after establishing a connection, which made it into a nice friendly wisp. And once she was done with it, that bit of her managed to leak back out before she left.
And then, inspired by all that and her own shiny new buttmark, she educated herself on wisps and managed to begin creating her own. Fortunately, she was within Celestia's notice at that point, who stepped in to make sure she learned how to best use this ability.
Seems a bit rushed as a first chapter. Oh well, sucked me in the first time.
5645187
If you mean this/reread this in relation to the changes I'm going to be making... I haven't even started on that. 6_6
But then, the last time you read it was probably a while before even the last time. So bleh. Anyhow, that might change once I get to work, but I'm not sure. We'll see.
5651725
Actually, now that I've reread the whole thing, I've realised there's a lot of things that stick out to me, as far as editing needs and consistency issues. I haven't said anything because of, assuming I'm getting this right, your looking to rework the fic.
As for the rushing part, I (also) realised that the first half of this fix does seem a little bit rushed. As I said, though, I got pretty well hooked onto it the first time through, so I'm not complaining.
5665279
I'm not surprised (nor offended) to hear that. Even with how much the story has changed from the initial publishing 2 years ago, everything currently published has only had me looking at it. However, I'll be finished with the new chapter 1 here soon (likely within the hour--and I did it all pretty much today), and if it serves as any indication, there should be plenty of change and improvement. And that's without even accounting for likely ripple effect or any... rearranging.
Plus, I may have my current editor look at it. The Great Writing Binge of 2014 is long past, and things went pretty well with his looking at my first FoE chapter. So who knows how things will turn out. lol
In any case, the state of things should improve.