The Jamboree of a Winning Party Pony

The Cloud Kicker Fan Club and Winningverse Group188 stories ·1,602 members

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Pinkie just can't seem to get enough time with Rainbow Dash, even with tons of friends and other fun things to do she just wants to spend more time having fun with Rainbow. After Rainbow's failed stunt subsequent recovery and new found love of books, Pinkie has had almost no time at all with Rainbow and is determined to see that come to an end.

(Pinkie Pie's point of view/story in the "Winningverse".) (Pinkie/Dash)

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 15 )

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kooarbiter

kooarbiter #1 · Mar 2nd, 2013 · · ·

what is this i don't even?...

pinkie is best coffee drinker dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Pinkie_loool.png

Strays

Strays #2 · Mar 2nd, 2013 · · ·

Oh Celestia! pinkie got coffee

Fatch

Fatch #3 · Mar 2nd, 2013 · 1 · ·

So. I got about a quarter of the way through this, and I need to say a few things.
First, I enjoy the idea of Pinkie's point of view. I'm not complaining about that, so much as... Well. Your grammar and punctuation are horrible. Also, some capitalization are wrong/missing. I've had to reread quite a few lines to try and understand them, and several REALLY don't make sense.
When exactly is this supposed to take place? You commented on it being 'just before Hearts and Hooves Day'...
Next, dialogue. One character would be speaking a line, then change their speech patterns halfway through. Example:

“Oh shut your bellyaching! Rainbow was recovering and besides it’s not like you will let your fatigue show when Flitter and Cloudchaser both will be on duty with us.” huffed Raindrops.

Other bits of dialogue seem forced, or unnatural, and not in the 'Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie.'
The innuendo feels really forced, too. The characterization feels off(more like 'generic weather pegusus 1' and 'generic weather pegusus 2' than thunderlane and blossomforth)
Lastly, I wasn't originally going to mention it, but using single quotes for internal thoughts is slightly confusing.

You've got potential here, but it needs A LOT of work.

Bookmark88

Bookmark88 #4 · Mar 2nd, 2013 · · ·

80 bits says that's not Dashie.

The Derider

The Derider #5 · Mar 2nd, 2013 · · ·

I'm with Fatch... I love the idea, but you really need an editor to give this a really thorough combing.

Themaskedferret

Themaskedferret #6 · Mar 3rd, 2013 · · ·

2203086 I confess you really summed it up well for me.

this is a really cute story and I really really wanna see more but you need some editing help.

If you get an editor to help it'll be even better!

The Derider

The Derider #7 · Mar 3rd, 2013 · · ·

I'd be happy to go through it if you'd like. I'm really not trying to just slam the story, it has a lot of great ideas, it could just use polish.

Swiftest

Swiftest #8 · Mar 3rd, 2013 · · ·

The main piece of criticism I can give is that this reads more like a third-person-narration story, and not really a story from a first-person point of view. For instance, since this is first person, there's definitively no need for putting quotation marks around thoughts.

“HI Raindrops, HI Blossomforth, HI Thunderlane!

Consider replacing the commas with exclamation marks.

But with Thunderlane frowning at his problem I had to jump into action and give Thunderlane some more of my brilliance

Should be either a period or a comma at the end of this. And not sure "giving some of my brilliance" is something within Pinkie's character.

“That’s not even the problem Pinkie... ughh forget it i need to get some sleep before duty tonight.” he said, turning to leave.

Capitalize
Should be a comma.

“How much longer ya got here with your paper city Dashie?” I said pointing to her paper piles that totally look like a little coliseum with pencil rails for a racing track.
“Applejack said she’d be watching for us to prank her today and we shouldn’t disappoint her.” I said smiling.

Seems like there's a line missing... or that the line break shouldn't be there.

“You're flying in the storm crew tonight?” I asked afraid for Dahie.

See, here is where the potential from first person was overlooked. Merely stating it is one thing, but having some thoughts on the matter would have better hammered this in.
Also, *Dashie

Dashie thought it over for what seemed like forever, so I nuzzled her a bit and got another hug in while waiting for my answer.

Pinkie seems to be getting a little too friendly here. They aren't in a relationship yet at this point in time.

“And why not?” I asked, dropping down from my hiding spot and undoing my bungee harness.

See, this whole section here. Evidence that it reads more as a third-person-style story that happens to use first-person.

That ending was amusing, I'll give you that. Poor Raindrops.

So basically, your narration could use some work. You might also want to look your stuff over (or have someone do that) for typos and grammatical errors.

I'm also not too... certain, about the characterization of Pinkie here. And the issues that Fatch pointed out is fair.

Comment posted by Xerzes deleted Mar 5th, 2013

silveredchaos

silveredchaos #10 · Mar 5th, 2013 · · ·

Ok First, i edited the basic fixes yesterday, and over my coming spring break my pre-readers and i will be brushing back up on grammar to alleviate the pain the misuse creates.

Second, the problems with Pov were well known and i thought they were addressed when my pre-readers assisted with rewriting a few chunks. This will also be addressed and edited if i am able. (First person Pinkie is brutal on me.)

Finally i would like to thank everyone for their input thus far on my first story for Fimfiction, i apologize that it caused annoyance and confusion for readers, I will be pulling it down tonight and it will remain down until the changes are through.

silveredchaos