Reviewed Pinkie and Celestia have some Tea

Accepting

There are a few premises like this that have circulated, and they tend to fall into one of two categories. Incredibly dull, or a very interesting and engaging character study. This story falls into the latter, doubly so since we take a look at not one, but two characters, both of which are often represented poorly.

Celestia is a hard one to get right, and I'm very proud of my own ability to halfway write her. Pinkie, on the other hand, I have no such skill with. It's for this reason that the first chapter was, for me, the most engaging. So rarely do I see Pinkie's thoughts, and this story really does do them justice. Had this story only been the first chapter, I would have let this in. The second chapter is far more boring, but that's not because it's bad: it's just that it had to compete with the first.

I don't really want to give much in the way of examples, since the joy in this story is seeing it for yourself, but Pinkie is written very well. You can tell that a lot of effort went into her writing, and it's not something I can do myself. Pinkie's character has always evaded me.

The lessons both ponies learn is also very nice and endearing. It may be a slice of life, but both characters do grow from this encounter.

All in all, it's a magnificent little thing that will surely please anyone who likes an innocent SoL that studies two characters in a very natural way.

Reviewing: Project Sunflower

Read: Twenty chapters

Status: Accepted

I did NOT want to read this one. It involves Humans, the title didn't stir me and it's over two HUNDRED forty THOUSAND words! But in the interests of tackling the stories that have been in the folder the longest I have been working my way through them, despite my misgivings.

I was hooked from the very first paragraph. This is an epic adventure that reminds me of my very favorite tales, like Richard Adams' Watership Down. In this story, the earth is being slowly consumed by alien nanotechnology called The Black Tide. Humanity has only one hope, and that's to find another world suitable for colonization. But in order to do that, they first must develop the technology to find other worlds, and then be able to infiltrate said worlds in order to determine their status. Believe me when I say I'm not doing this tale justice in my description, not by a long shot.

This story doesn't skimp on the details, but it doesn't overwhelm the reader with them either. The process by which our protagonist enters Equestria and goes about her mission is complex, but simply stated. That's another plus for this story as I see it: a female protagonist, something one rarely encounters on this site. But the tale is in no way straightforward; the author throws in twists and intrigue that had me so engaged I ended up reading over half of those two hundred thousand plus words, and actually wishing the story was longer. It is that good.

If I had only one complaint, and I do have only one, it's that the writer had a story full of scientific detail, but took a shortcut in having the ponies speak English. That to me is the one glaring flaw in an otherwise flawless and immersive tale, for I know the writer could have come up with a plausible solution to the communication problem other than taking that shortcut.

If this keeps up I'm going to have to change my innate opinion of HiE stories, for I keep encountering these gems.

4299339

Well, i actually wasn't the one who submitted it here i didnt even know it was here until someone pointed me to the review.

Indeed, compared to newer work i wouldn't submit my old stuff to any groups like this. People have be urging me to submit my most recent fic (the third in this series) to Equestria Daily, but i've been hesitating because the first and second are in need of a massive look over before i poke that bear.

When the time comes to fix it up i will be taking this review into account. There's unfortunatley quite a few things i can't change without destroying the other 760K words in the trilogy but i'll do what i can with the rest. Thank you

Reviewing: This
It's a sequel to A Night with Lyra. Seems I'll be right at home. Cheers

Eesh. Seeing these reviews doesn't make me optimistic about my submission's chances.

4299610 I know, I'm fully aware: I wasn't able to accept the story another user submitted because it relied heavily on these stories. She asked if she could submit them, and of course, that's no problem for me, so long as she's convinced they're good (and to your and her credit, she does seem convinced they are). Then I decided to take a look at these and see how they were, and the rest is history.

I will still be looking at the next two if the other reviewers don't beat me to it, so if I decide they actually stand quite well on their own, they may still get in. However, given what you said on your userpage, that seems unlikely at this stage.

4300559

i doubt the second one will make it in, it was rushed for a contest, and even though i won that contest i still think it could be much better. It builds off the first, and gets into the more intimate romance as well as introducing new characters that im proud of today, but you can tell where i went into "oh shit i have to hurry mode" because the fight scenes are pretty blatantly DBZ style and Dash's fighting ability is disproportionate to where she stands compared to the Wonderbolts. The last chapters of the story are also very condensed, i wanted to do much more with but didn't have the time and ended up forcing a couple things.

If any of them are going to make it in, it's the third. After the second i realized people were showing more than just a little interest so i really buckled down and gave the full effort, from storyboarding to outlining, etc. Now i have a giant multi-arc story going without the kinks of my early pony writing, an editor working with me on every chapter, and no time constraints so im going into much detail as possible. It's much more than a romance story now too, following large plotlines with the romance being a factor, but not the only focus.

And now im rambling I guess i won't be surprised if the second isn't to your liking either, it's not even really to my liking, but it's another, like the first, that is in need of my attention once i get the time. I appreciate the time you spent going through it. I don't get too many harsh or critical reviews. It was a bit of a shock at first, but after shaking that off it was very informative and a big reminder that i have a job to do with these older fics once im free of my current work.

4300609 I did an effort to be thorough on yours for several reasons. The first is that if I made an error, far more was at stake than just one story, belonging to just one author. The other is that, as I mentioned in my review and other comments, I dislike the ship you chose in particular. I try not to let that define what I say though.

I don't normally do this for normal submissions, but if you want I can keep you up to date with my progress. I usually only notify people for self-submissions, since they've asked for it directly.

4300619

sure i wouldn't mind.

And to be honest it was interesting to get a point of view from outside the soarindash ship, because thats more or less 85% of my reader base.

4300625 I imagine. I'm in a similar boat with AppleDash, actually, and it's always good to have as many opinions as possible.

Been reading: A Twilight Landing

Sorry I was gone yesterday: had a lot of work and not long enough to sit down and read something.

Reviewed A Simple Recipe

Accepting

This here is a nice enough little story, and whilst I admit it fails to capture my imagination in several areas, it does nothing really wrong and is satisfying enough to read. It's about Pinkie and Applejack meeting for the first time, and learning to bake their first batch of cupcakes. Each of the characters play to their strengths, which is good, and the ending has quite a satisfying little message about the characters and how they function.

The only things that annoyed me here is what it didn't do: for example, I'd have liked to see the story try something more imaginative than just rehashing the cupcakes song from the show, and I'd have liked to see the characters have a proper obstacle to overcome instead of just going about their daily lives. Admittedly, compared to a lot of other SoL, it doesn't have a lot of 'oomph' behind it: the characters aren't really in trouble or anything, and they're just going around baking cupcakes.

I think I may have rejected the story if it wasn't for Pinkie's 'I only wanted to make a friend smile' but at the end. Like I said, the story plays to the strengths of the characters, and they're really what carries the story. It's putting the best qualities these ponies have and sticking them right at the front of the story, and whilst they're in a bit of a vacuum (nothing is really going on) it's still entertaining to read.

Maybe not the most engaging of stories, but certainly a nice one. It takes a simple recipe and runs with it, and it works pretty well, in my opinion.

EDIT: one other thing though: the story does not earn it's comedy tag in the slightest. I was actually surprised when adding this to folders that it was tagged comedy, as I don't even remember being hinted at in the story that it was supposed to be funny. It certainly wasn't the 'Shirley' joke that earned the tag, anyway. In fact, I don't really remember that many jokes at all. It's light hearted, certainly, but not funny.

Highschool, and the Rainbow falls in love with genderbent Rainbow.

Well, reviewing Love's a Rainbow. I know Rainbow has her issues, but this takes narcissism to a new level.

Read the first three chapters.

Rejecting

The story introduces itself quickly, doesn't give any depth to the characters (even characters we know and enjoy, like Rainbow) and is really just dull to read. The story is comprised almost entirely of faux-school conversations:

“Ehh… probably in a couple of minutes,”

“So… What do you do for sport?”

“Well, we have a Mini Olympics every 2 years, And we have one this year, we’re just been training for it the past few weeks, not that I need any practise, I’m just too good,”

Rainbow grinned, “I can beat you anywhere, anytime!”

“We’ll see about that, Dashie,”

“...”

“It’s better than 'Rainbow'!”

It's just dialogue without much purpose, and we're not shown many of the characters thoughts except for small snipets that are more akin to observations on what's going on, so I'm given no reason to care about any of them. They're not really happy, they don't have objectives, they're not sad or conflicted... It doesn't help that Blitz is coming off as a highschool alpha male character about as shallow as my cousin's paddle-pool, who's good at sport, is admired by all the ladies, etc. I don't care about him, and I'm given zero reason to.

In fact, that's the real problem this story has. In three chapters, it doesn't make me care about it one bit. Maybe the coming chapters are better, maybe they're interesting, maybe Blitz actually has a personality then... but if the beginning is like this, I don't think it really matters. The writing was fine, the mane six were all in character, but the way the story was told and what it was trying to tell is just devoid of fun. It's not bad, it's not good, it's not infuriating, and it's not entertaining. It's just... there. It's not really anything.

In three chapters, you should have at least started the conflict, or adressed the main issue. But it hasn't, it's just... existing as a 'day in the life of these people'. I get what it was trying to do, maybe... be a pure SoL, but SoL has conflict, as much conflict and often even more than an Adventure or Drama story.

Reviewing: A Twilight Landing

Read: Three chapters

Status: Rejected

This tale will probably get better with subsequent chapters, but the pace is so mind-numbingly slow I could only make three chapters.

This is a reverse HiE story, with Twilight coming to Earth as a Human, and meeting Jo, a recluse and something of a cynic. While I understand her initial reactions to finding a naked girl in her garage that claims to be a unicorn from "that kid's show" are shock and disbelief, it quickly wears thin after three chapters.

This is a very 'tell' heavy piece that has so far done nothing to earn its Comedy tag, another disappointment. Perhaps my expectations are too high after reviewing the last story, but as of now I can't let this one in.

Reading Let it Rain

Because it's sunny here in Nottingham! And I love irony.

4308757 ... yesssss? In Notts. Uni of Nottingham. Nice campus.

I thought you were on the other end of the world for some reason? Have my deductive skills failed me?

4308859 Oh dear. Literally a week ago I was in Alsace with my parents.

Well, no matter! You're still an admin, and we hold wildly different hours anyway because I'm a goodfernuthin student.

4308742 That's good, sorry I've been absent. Life's kicking me right in the ass, but I just read a story and am now working on the review.

Read first five chapters.

Rejecting

This story is actually not that bad, and I don't think I dislike it all that much. It just fails to do some things I think it really should have for it to work properly. The set-up is simple enough, cliche'd even: two mares want the same stallion, who is oblivious to everything.

The biggest strength of this story is the two mares. Both have wildly different personalities and are quite engaging to read. Their misadventures are run-of-the-mill, but entertaining. The side characters are quite strong, too: Cloudchaser's family is equally nice and Derpy is perhaps my favourite character here.

The main problem is really Thunderlane. I seem to have a problem with male leads these days: first Soarin, now this guy. In five chapters, he's about as interesting as a plank of wood. He's not given much personality asides from being (generously) oblivious. And that's it. He doesn't really talk with anyone other than the two mares, and those conversations are wildly one-sided. We don't know what he's thinking and the story isn't descriptive enough for me to get a good idea what his character is, other than 'generic male'.

The story doesn't earn it's comedy tag, either, and doesn't set it's jokes up enough to be funny. I got a snicker out of Derpy's hoofwriting, but really that was the only clue I had that it was meant to be funny in the first place.

The pacing was too quick for me too: we start without much set-up and get dumped into the story far too quickly. I think this may have been because the story was aiming to be funny, and come in with a bang, but without the humour to carry it, this decision (if it was taken) failed.

And unfortunately the writing isn't really strong enough to capitalize on the strong characters to make me really enjoy this. It's very mellow and doesn't have a lot of flair to keep me entertained. This wouldn't be as much of a problem if it had less of those other problems to compensate, but it does.

In short, I don't care for their struggle because I know diddly squat about Thunderlane, it's not very funny and the fun characters aren't really shown to their full potential. It's not a bad story, not by a long shot, and I don't regret reading it, but I can't say I saw much that held my interest either.

Not to mention the story is very cavalier with it's commas.

I, wasn't paired with Thunderlane

I, think I like him

I, like him

You were, waiting for me

I'm, thinking that's an exaggeration

Not a bad story, but not really cut out for the bin, in my opinion.

Reviewing: TD the Alicorn Princess

Read: Three chapters

Status: Rejected

I think my feelings for this story would be somewhat better had I seen the story that preceded it. As of now I feel as though I've walked into the middle of the tale, as I know nothing about TD other than he's a Human living in Ponyville. His personality reminds me of Dan from Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life, but other than that he's a mystery.

This story is basically a rewrite of Magical Mystery Cure, complete with songs, with the Human taking Twilight's place. It is one of the most contrived plot lines I've ever read, and therefore makes no sense. WHY would he become not only an Alicorn, but switch genders as well? I'm not sure where the author is going with this, but the tale is not engaging enough for me to want to find out.

Finished reviewing On the Importance of Spelling

Accepting

I enjoyed this one a fair bit, even though I don't have much to say about it. It's a discussion between Shining and Cadence about how to spell their names. In all fairness, I didn't find it particularly funny, but it made up for it by having both characters being really likeable, enjoyable to read, and true to themselves. The only really funny bit was the beginning, and that's mostly because like ninety percent of the internet, I have a dirty, dirty mind.

I suppose I could see a few people get a few chuckles out of it, but it was mostly just a nice scene in the life of wifehorse and husbandhorse. You won't get much out of it outside of that, though: nothing is really accomplished in this story outside of a reaffirmation of love, and a pretty tame one at that.

Still, I enjoyed it, and I'm sure people aside from me will too. Y'know, other than the 1K+ people who already have.

Reviewed Shining Done

Rejecting

Well, this story kind of continues the way it was at the end of Daring Done. It's less funny, and more just silly. I can't say I got much enjoyment out of it. It did start interestingly enough, with a rather amusing three-way conversation between Shining, the guards, and Celestia. Unfortunately, it ended rather abruptly and became more a series of two-way conversations, and the characters ended up beating the very, very dead horse of trying to get Shining down from the mountain.

I'm really disappointed in it, mostly because Daring Done was such a fun story (the first chapter). The story seems determined to last for longer than it should, and it collapses in on itself. I really, really wish it didn't.

There is some context missing from the prequel, but since Charles rejected it, I can't take it's content into account. Really though, it's the fact that two thirds of this story was a bore that makes me fail it. It's more stupid than it is funny, at least as soon as Shining becomes convinced he's evil. Once the story crosses that line, I ceased to be amused, and donned a face I can only describe as being a Level Three Judi Dench. (I may have scared my screen in so doing)

Without the humour to carry the story, it ends up being a lot of out of character and dumb moments for very little gain. I did get a kick out of Night Light, though, but not even his awesome dragon-riding powers could save this story.

HapHazred DONE.

Reviewed: This is the life: A tale of a human in Equestria

Accepted

A Night With Lyra was the first story I had ever accepted into this group. I accepted it in because it was fun, well-written, grammatically solid, and it made several things that normally fail work out. The reason I bring this up is because, to be honest, almost everything I said there applies to this story; once again, it's fun, well-written, and fairly grammatically solid.

Just like the last one, this story stars you, who's the new human in Equestria, who's there because [insert reason here]. The story tells the story of how you live your life in Equestria through a series of five* short stories, each of which shows your interactions with a different member of the town (Octavia in chapter 1, Big Mac in Chapter 2, Bon Bon in Chapter 3, Lyra and Pinkie in Chapter 4, and just Lyra in Chapter 5). Every chapter told an interesting story, none of the chapters felt like rehashes, and nearly every chapter had at least one really nice moment within it, along with several moments that left me laughing. In addition to that, the characters, both old and new, were just as well done as they were in the original; the human is still pretty well portrayed as far as 2nd person people go, Lyra is still as enjoyable as she was in A Night with Lyra, and all of the other characters (with the possible exception of Octavia, who was absent too often for me to get much of a read off of her) are absolute joys to read in their own right. In a slice of life story, it's important to have a likeable main cast, and these guys delivered.

Unfortunately, from a technical standpoint, this story is a slight step backwards from the original; the grammar, while still good, is a little bit wonky this time; although there was nothing that was incoherent, there were some odd spelling errors here and there (such as my personal favorite where the writer spells Fluttershy's name like this: Flutter shy), and the indents were fairly inconsistent, often switching between amount of space indented. In addition, this story sort of stumbles on the 2nd person storytelling this time, occasionally saying something that will alienate a couple people:

The thought of it suddenly reminded you of all those stupid ‘animal in funny costumes’ videos and images you used to enjoy looking up online.

Inside the box was a beautifully made cake bearing the message ‘sorry you couldn’t make it’ surrounded by candies and a big smiling sun. It was your favorite flavor of cake slathered in a thick layer of your favorite frosting, and she had even gone to the trouble of decorating it with your favorite kind of candy.

It's still vague enough to fit a wide variety of people, sure, but what if the reader doesn't like cake? Or what if he had never watched any 'animals in funny costumes' videos before? Unfortunately for the story, I don't fulfill either of those criteria, meaning that there were times when the 2nd person style wasn't applicable to me, meaning the immersion it wanted was unobtainable. Thankfully, those moments are few and far between, but it's still worth mentioning that this story was a bit clumsier with its technicals than its predecessor was.

Even so, this story is still worth letting in. Just like the first one, it was fun, well-written, well-paced, descriptive, and filled with enjoyable characters. The grammar is still admirable by fanfiction standards, and even though the 2nd person storytelling isn't as vague as it used to be, it's still broad enough to cover a wide range of people (It didn't apply to me, but that's just because I'm weird). It lives up to its predecessor quite well, and is definitely worth a read, especially if you enjoyed the first story.

Reviewing: Better than the Best

Reviewing: Phoenix Wright - Turnabout Storm!

Read: Three chapters

Status: Accepted

I was already familiar with the Youtube video, having watched it some time ago, so I just needed to get a read on how well it was reinterpreted.

As Crossovers go this is a very well written one. I'd never heard of Phoenix Wright before watching the video, but apparently it's either an anime or a video game. Even so, one does not need to know the source material to enjoy this tale.

Basically, Rainbow Dash is the prime suspect in a murder investigation, and Twilight, out of desperation, uses her magic to bring to Equestria the "Greatest Defense Attorney." That's silly on the surface, but any questions or seeming plot holes are filled as one continues reading. I'm sure that those who are familiar with the source material will enjoy this tale more, but as I said it isn't necessary.

This story recaptures the look and feel of the video, but it's not a simple word-for-word copy. The author took some liberties in describing each scene, and if I hadn't already seen it I would have been engaged in reading all of this four hundred thousand word monster.

Show Must Go On!
Wave Blaster
Sad, SoL, AU

Plot:
Wave Blaster kicks things off with Trixie walking through the rainy streets of Canterlot. The stage magician plods through the depressing weather as she makes her way to a coffee shop on the edge of town. I got a real feel for the gloomy atmosphere as Trixie strikes up a conversation with a random pony. From here, we delve into the story of Lulamoon as we learn what drove this proud mare into a downward spiral of depression. Trixie was dumped off into an orphanage at a young age by a mother who had a flair for theatrics herself. For the rest of this chapter, Trixie grows up and learns the ins and outs of stage magic. As I progressed, I got to see the rise and fall of Trixie, from stardom to a burning pile up on the freeway. As I reached the climax of this story, I see what little hope she has left spurn her forward to improve and regain what she has lost.

Grammar & Context:
Both of these need severe improvement, I can't say anything else. There were several sentences and paragraphs that were rather hard to read.

It's a mare, a unicorn around her twenties or so. She's wearing a single cover from the weather, a simple black cape that serves to cover her face too with a hood. A strong wind and a well-timed lightning reveal her body. A body worth mentioning. One of those bodies that would make a young cheerleader run into the library and rethinks her career choice. Her silvery mane an tail not succumbing to the water's pull, but instead calmly dancing with every soft push from the wind.

This was a bit of an info dump, we're just given a huge description of Trixie and not much else. Descriptions should be spread out a bit so a reader can gain a better grasp of a character rather than having thrown at them at once. My biggest issue with context here is in chapter two, where we bounce around from one section of Trixie's life to the next. I can't grasp a clear idea of Trixie. I feel that this part should have delved deeper into who Trixie really is. The story flow was way out there with how it jumped around from one segment to the next.

Decision & Reasoning:
Rejected Sad to say because of how much I enjoyed reading this, I feel like there's a lot missing from this story. Maybe after a few quick fixes, filled in gaps, this could make it into our group but until then, I think this needs some work.

Well, that was my first review. Any complaints, compliments or concerns, PM and we can talk. D.G. signing off.

4315171 Goodie goodie, deleted from folder-ie.

TTFN!

Reviewed A Gift Fit For A Princess

Accepting

This is an enjoyable little thing, also about Shining Armour and Cadence. It's also about a reaffirmation of love, and is also pretty mild and tame when it comes to humour, but ends up doing the same thing as the last one. It's a nice thing that really just makes itself pleasant to read, which is my favourite kind of story, really.

I don't think it's particularly groundbreaking, and I have to admit I wasn't that enamoured with the two recruits (just bumbling idiots, really, without much personality or point) but it is nice to read, and has a very sweet little ending I enjoyed.

I don't have much to say about it, really. It doesn't excel in many areas aside from staying true to itself: taking the characters, giving them a little conflict to get over, and making it important to them. That's how SoL works, and it does well here. I enjoyed reading it, and although it may not capture a lot of people's imaginations, I can't see many people not smiling after reading it.

The Final Accusation: A Legal Academy
Kwakerjak
Comedy

Plot:
A royal alicorn farmpony presiding over a court case. Doesn't get any better than that, folks. We have our wonderful Applejack, now a full blown alicorn, taking charge over a trial with Diamond Tiara and the Flim Flam Bros. Two of Equestria's worst self satisfying, three if we count both brother individually here, going at each others throats to screw over the other.

Applejack as a judge or being placed within a courtroom doesn't sit well with me. This would be more along the lines of Rarity due to her subtlety with words and knowledge of how to win ponies over with her personality. None the less, AJ, or Princess Mara as shes been christened, does make a powerful point within the proceedings. For every good action that Diamond has done, there is always a hidden objective for her to use and exploit. As for the Flim Flam Bros, I put them in their own category of 'morally ambiguous' characters.

Accepted. I didn't find any grammatical errors and the plot line was solid with a capital S. Applejack still remembers her roots and where she came from. The dotting task of remaining a princess does wear on her but it's not thrown in our faces or annoying to the point it made me stop reading.

Reviewing: Naked Singularity

Read: All

Status: Accepted

Cold in Gardez is one of my favorite authors, and his stories rarely disappoint. This one is no exception.

Here we have Twilight Sparkle...stretching her boundaries, as it were. Always a book nerd, she one day decides to try her hoof at writing. But not just any subject, or one with which we would think she's familiar, but she decides to wrote a ROMANCE novel. Actually by Romance, I mean porn.

The author portrays her in character, which means her idea of lust includes technical terms such as this one:

Prism Slash leaned over Evening Glimmer’s supine form. Her lavender coat glistened with sweat in the fading afternoon light. The cooling effect of evaporation was insufficient to quiet the twin fires burning in her heart and loins (see Dalton et al for a complete discussion on evaporation rates and the physiological effects thereof).
"Librarians," he whispered huskily. "You drive me mad with lust!"
Evening Glimmer moaned. Never before had anypony stirred up such incredible passions within her. Her resistance to his advances diminished in inverse proportion to the area of contact between their bodies.

The comedy heaps up with the reactions of Fluttershy, Rarity and Rainbow Dash to her first attempts at a novel, and Twilight's blind reaction to her own work.

Mature subject matter with candy colored ponies isn't really my thing, but this is one of the best I've read. The ending was a little flat, but it doesn't greatly diminish the overall tale. Approved!

4318975 What thought was the funniest was what Cheerlie was probably thinking while she was listening to Twilight narrate her story with her class listening.

4315171
Well, another story reviewed and another rejection. Huh, by this point I don't even feel bad when this happens. Anyways, as I always do with reviews, here's my defense;

we're just given a huge description of Trixie and not much else.

Actually, you're not supposed to know she's Trixie by this point in the story. The reader is given more and more hints with each paragraph, but in the first one it's left to supposition if the mare is Trixie or not, hence why I intentionally avoided the most punctual characteristics and went for full ambiguity. Which lead us to the next point;

where we bounce around from one section of Trixie's life to the next. I can't grasp a clear idea of Trixie. I feel that this part should have delved deeper into who Trixie really is.
[...]
feel like there's a lot missing from this story

Nope, we're not supposed to see who Trixie really is. The narrator here is Trixie itself, and we only see what she wants us to see. And it also a way to keep the headcanon that we never got to actually meet the real Trixie, just an stage act. All in all, all the pieces in the story are just that, pieces, just an aspect of something bigger, an image. Or, how Trixie would put it, an illusion.

With that said, I'll have to agree on the story staying out of the Bin because of grammar. My mind was barely working in the right way when I wrote that and translations were made on the spot. Still, if you could point another part of the story (besides grammar) that keeps it from entering, please, I'll would be thankful if you can explicitly point it out so I can see what can I do.

Well, that's it. Thanks for the review.

4310834
So you never read "NO, I am not a Brony, get me outta Equestria"?

If it was submitted, I think that should have been read first, before reading any of the other "TD-verse" fic.

4319836 It wasn't submitted, so we're not inclined to treat it as necessary reading.

Good shout-out, though.

Reviewed Plural Possessive

Accepting

There's a lot of fun to be had with this one. It's a story about King Sombra accidentally possessing Dinky Doo and having a few misadventures along the way. What makes this story special is the two characters and how they play off of one another: Sombra is an absolute treat to read, and Dinky is surprisingly memorable too, tripping him up at every turn.

The story kind of embraces it's stupid premise with enthusiasm, and if I had to describe it, that's the word I'd use: 'enthusiastic'. Sombra's voice is deliciously over-the-top, Dinky's tricks are highly petulant and childish, and the whole situation is maddeningly detailed, from Sombra's arrival in Ponyville, to his thoughts and feelings and most interestingly, how it writes two thoughts competing for the same body. It's great fun to read.

My main problem with it was the ending: it ended up being quite the anti-climactic confrontation with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Sombra solves Dinky's problems with a few harsh words and the ole' 'stand up to the bullies' routine, which I've seen before and have been consistently disappointed by. Even here, it feels pretty hollow, but the story saves itself by having Sombra do this dull, overdone trope with oodles of style and class. It's a bit of a disappointment, but in the end the strengths of this story more than make up for it (unlike some other, far more sanctimonious stories).

Frankly, if this Sombra were to take over the world, I wouldn't mind. Just so long as I can listen to him talk all day long.

4319279
Fair enough, Wave Blaster. I'm glad you responded to the review, it lets me know what to look out in future projects.

There is one other thing I'd like to add to my previous review of Show Must Go On! During the first chapter, when dealing with the dialogue, it becomes rather unclear as to who is speaking at times. Now, I would normally tell people to avoid said-isms, i.e. said Trixie, agreed Trixie. In most of the first chapter, there is a lot of dialogue but I feel unsure at certain parts as to who is speaking at which lines. It's a small thing, yes, but it does help your readers identify the designated speaker. Also, add "The" to the front of you story, it sounds better.

4321574
Yeah, you're right, I need to be more precise on who says what, but still keep Trixie interlocutor as ambiguous as possible, since it can be, at least, three different ponies (Trixie's mother, Trixie's descendant from a thousand years in the future or just simply the audience).

And let me check something out...
Another hero, another mindless crime
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime
Hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore

Show must go on,
Show must go on

Sorry, I can't add that "the", it would mess up the metric.

4321777 except in the song it is The show....

"The Show Must Go On"

Empty spaces - what are we living for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on, does anybody know what we are looking for...
Another hero, another mindless crime
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime
Hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore
The show must go on,
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on.
Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance
On and on, does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess I'm learning, I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning, round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free
The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly - my friends
The show must go on
The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On - with the show -
I'll top the bill, I'll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the -
On with the show -
The show must go on...

4322706
The Queen version or the Moulin Rouge! version? Both have different metrics, after all. Anyways, I went for the Queen's one;

I don't know if it's my hispanic ear mishearing the english, but it sounds like "show must go on" to me.

4322952 it must be. Look at the video you even linked. It wven has the the in the title haha.

edit: I do agree that the song doesn't enunciate the word the but when I look up the official lyrics it always includes the the.

Reading: You Do (Not) Belong

Finished Reviewing A Simpler Time

Accepting

Once again I am thrown by the older publish date. In keeping with the environment the story was published in, it's simplistic, short, and doesn't really try. Today, we've evolved into a hyper-competitive community with each author struggling to make something unique and recognizeable. It's obvious this story didn't have any such constraints.

Because of this, I think it has a certain charm. It just wanted to tell a story about Rarity and Twilight as fillies, and made up a little backstory (nothing too complex) allowing them to have met, and have a bit of fun. There is a moral there (live in the present) but I didn't feel it flowed all that naturally from the events that happened. They played as fillies, and ergo, they live in the present? I hardly felt it was a necessary addition.

It gets into the 'action' pretty quickly, too. Twilight discovers a lobster costume and sooner than you can say 'sweet spigots' she tells Rarity that they shall be 'reminiscing over tea'. It's a bit quick, maybe too quick for my tastes.

Despite this, and being quite short, I still feel it deserves to get in based on, first off, it's charm factor. It doesn't feel like it's trying to assault me with senseless cutesie wootsie scenes, and just wants to show Twilight and Rarity playing together. Second off, is it's characters, who are both very in keeping with what I've come to expect from them, even as fillies.

Unlike other stories that try to assign backstories, like Simply Rarity, this one has no delusions of grandeur. I think that perhaps this one could have benefited from trying to be a bit more than what it is, but I'll take humble and enjoyable over pretentious and manipulative any day. I actually enjoyed this story, and this is why.

Just giving everyone a fair warning: this will be my last review on this thread for a while. Since May is almost upon us, and we're one story away from being back down to fifty, I think it's time I return to my home in Self Submissions, where there are plenty of stories that require attention.

4323610 I salute you, you Herculean madman!

4323045
Hold on! You mean that this specific line and its composition is subject of interpretation? Dude! That's exactly that fic's intent. That's it, I'm leaving it without the the but now there's a reason for that!

Reviewed: Better than the Best

Accepting

There's not a whole lot to say this time. All I really need to say is that this is a nice read, and I'm really enjoying it so far. In this story, Rainbow convinces Twilight to join in a team race that'll take happen soon. Although reluctant at first, Twilight agrees to it. From there, it shows everything leading up to the race, giving each part its own chapter (Chapter 2 was all about the training, Chapter 3 is the arrival to the location of the race, etc).

In terms of the writing, it's quite solid: everything is given a good amount of detail, the grammar, while occasionally slipping up on punctuation, is solid, and the characters are all in character. Each chapter I've read has been well done, with nothing dragging out or feeling unneeded. However, what really sold me on this story was Rainbow Dash. To put it bluntly, this is one of the best characterizations of Rainbow Dash I've seen in a long time. Most characterizations I've seen usually have her ego boosted through the ceiling, yet forget to actually make her likeable in the process (or else she's so OOC that she's only recognizable by name alone). Not the case here; while she's still shown to be as confident and excitable as she is in the show, she's also shown to be a great friend and teacher to Twilight simultaneously. This version isn't a walking brag machine; she's a friendly, intelligent, and respectable character, especially during the part in Chapter 2 about trust falls. The lesson she taught with that was really something else, and stuck with me long after I read it. Although all of the characters in this so far have been great, Rainbow is the one who stuck out for me, and was what ultimately kept me reading through the (very) occasional lackluster moments.

In the end, this is a very good story thus far, and one that I'm definitely finishing. With a great set of characters, good pacing, solid grammar, and some very nice moments, I definitely think that Better than the Best is worthy of a spot in the Goodfic Bin.

Reviewing: The Syndicate

Reviewing: You Do (Not) Belong

Read: Six chapters

Status: Accepted

Now this is a fresh take on the whole HiE genre. Conner, a young boy from an Earth where MLP:FiM does not exist, finds himself in Equestria. He therefore has no clue where he is or whom it is that lives there, and the author gives him realistic reactions to his situation. This story tries to accurately answer the question" what would you do if you suddenly found yourself on an alien planet?" Outside of the fact he's able to communicate immediately ( an error I see happen all the time in these types of tales ) his reactions are reasonable.

Even though the writer has chosen to use several chapters to describe the events of one day, the pace is not slow, as each chapter gives great attention to details such as scenery, emotions, motivations and expectations. I stopped reading at the part where Conner meets Twilight ( at Princess Celestia's request ) and I have to say I very much like Twilight's reactions. While in character, this is a side of her I've not seen before, as she's not immediately gushing and friendly, but rather cautious and wary. I mean seriously, who wouldn't be such when meeting an alien? I can imagine the reactions if the situation were reversed, and what I can imagine isn't pleasant.

I also like the fact that Conner isn't a Gary Stu: coming to Equestria didn't give him special powers, he is and remains quite ordinary. He's even nearsighted! That and more makes him a very likable and believable character, and it is hoped he can find his way home.

It's refreshing to read a Human in Equestria story where the protagonist isn't falling over himself trying to meet the ponies, nor is friends with all of them in the blink of an eye. Favorited!