Because with Diaper Pale nearly a year in the past, it's time to get another "special interest" group mad at me! · 10:41pm Feb 19th, 2020
So there's been a lot of 'heat' fics around this month. (I blame February.) And for those who aren't familiar with the Mature subgenre, this is based around the idea that ponies would go into estrus. In nature, this means 'I am now willing to reproduce -- if the right candidate comes along.' For most site interpretations, it tends more towards having everypony's brain flip over to SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX, and thus Mature fics.
But the thing about it is that in nature, species with a heat/estrus cycle don't necessarily care very much about having sex outside it. Mating season implies an in-between period of Who Cares? When the hormones aren't surging, they're simply not interested.
So.
Twilight Sparkle knows that being in heat means having no interest in sex at any other time. Twilight thinks she's only going to be in heat once. In two nights, from 7:30 p.m. to 9:00 exactly. So who's got plans?
Feel the downvotes!
Anyone got a title?
Note that this also works as a Teen story after the CMC fail biology class forever.
Biological... clock... is... ticking!
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Oh dear, Purple Smart hitting menopause is something none of us need.
Precision Heat Alignment?
Heat Index Forecasting?
A Study in Estrus Efficiency?
Sexy Time?
I don’t know. The story certainly sounds intriguing though.
um...nope, drawing a blank...mostly.
"schedule"...something.
5206139
I kind of like "Heat Index Forecasting."
Egg Timer?
The Beast with Two Nights?
Mating Seasonal Affective Disorder? (Might work better as a chapter title.)
Insert Rod A into Timeslot B?
Low Heat Capacity?
If It's Now, It's Okay?
No Endocrine Holocaust?
If it were aged-up Crusaders, "But I Want It NOW!" would work. With Twilight, one could make an argument for "The Stars are Right," even if she's quite wrong and it's not quite the stars we're concerned with...
For a title I would recommend “Twilight Is Sent To Remedial Sex Ed”.
"Love is in the Mare"
I love the concept, as for a title, if we're going with Purple smart I would call it "Assumed Temporal Calefaction".
And then have RD of all ponies make the obvious assume- ass out of yourself- joke.
'Ad Estrus'? (
)
'Horrendous Hormonal Hearsay'?
'In Which Twilight Sparkle's Clock Goes Off'? (
)
'Twilight's Time Out'? (is that accurate?)
I am not good at sex-related puns
Not just hormones, but pheromones too. And without them, the male is going to be completely disinterested. As in, nothing happening down there. With many ungulates that means sniffing or tasting the females urine. Now, just imagine the reaction of a neat-freak germophobe. Especially if he wants to kiss afterwards...
This could be a colossal disaster.
Wait, Estee fic. Colossal disaster is the starting point. Potentially world ending? (Please tell me Celestia and Luna have to save the day...)
The heating and cooling of twilight sparkle.
Apply Heat For Ninety Minutes
or
The Events Surrounding Big Macintosh Malus' Induction Into The Equestrian Witness Protection Program
or
On The Efficient Time Management Of Unicorn Reproduction
or
You're Absolutely Certain Mister Waddle Is Out Of Town, Right?
5206168
*actually laughing*
*can't... breathe...*
Humans don't really HAVE "heat"
We are continually in a state of "warm"
While growing up, my family owned a horde of dogs & cats.
They DO have "heat"
From observation, when they're not in Heat,
they just flat out not interested
When they ARE in Heat, they ain't interested in anything else
Now, as an intelligent species...
their number 1 erogenous zone is between their ears.
That is, sexy is mostly "What you think it is. No less, no more, no different"
5206169
ICR the name, but I remember the story where Twilight was clueless about what "shipping" meant & Rarity took advantage of it.
Maybe a sequel where Twilight got confused about
"Apply heat for 90 minutes" meant.
Oh, this sounds like such a fun idea!
Makes me think of the Reduced Shakespeare Company's Ophelia: "Cut the crap, Hamlet, my biological clock is ticking, and I want babies now!"
5206174
But it doesn't have to be like that. Human reproduction is fairly bizarre as far as mammals go in general, so there's no particular reason to think that a sapient species from a totally different order of mammals would work the way we do with regard to sex and the sex drive.
Specific Heat Capacity
5206174
5206209 even discussed one of the more notable ways it's bizarre before continuing to post the paragraph you took issue with. Because what fun is there in making sense?
As for my own thoughts on the matter: Harmony Exists, and therefore we can assume greater uniformity than is found in our own species. (Note: I literally came up with that after typing the first sentence but before actually posting this comment, but it makes a surprising amount of sense)
Being Twilight's friend was an odd experience. What was most odd was that Rarity couldn't decide if the mortal peril was better or worse than a (for lack of a better term) mundane crisis. "So, you know when you're going to be in heat, and you wish to... experiment?"
Twilight opened her mouth to speak, failed spectacularly, and nodded.
"And you wished to... be with somepony you know," she continued. "somepony you care for and-- forgive me if this is too far, but with a mare..."
"Yes!" Twilight finally said. The small body sank back in relief as she nodded. "Wow, you have no idea how good it feels to get that out!"
"Mh," Rarity nodded. "I can only imagine how hard it was to confess." Moving towards the stairs, "Now, shall we take this upstairs?"
"Oh, for extra privacy," Twilight said excitedly. "I didn't think of that."
Rarity's smile deepened into a smirk as her hooves began to climb. "Well, you shouldn't be afraid, deary. I've thought of everything." She added a slight purr to that and tilted her ears back towards Twilight.
Blissfully unaware, "I can't wait for us to decide who I'm going to ask!"
"Beg pardon."
"Who I'm going to ask," the single least aware pony in Equestria continued. "Pinkie might be up for it, but I'm not sure I could keep up... or how exactly keeping up or falling behind would work, exactly? I need somepony gentle."
"Gentle," Rarity tried.
"You know, gentle! Sorta," and Twilight's blush started to make her face match a certain baker's. "somepony who knows what they're doing?"
"Somepony," Rarity carefully said, "loose?"
"No! No, classier than that. Like," Twilight was addressing more of her discussion to the wall on Rarity's right, now. "Somepony older? Somepony who'd--" and here was a small sigh, "take care of me..."
"Ah," Rarity said, smiling again. "And no doubt somepony you wouldn't immediately think of, no doubt. Close your eyes."
Her eyes snapped to Rarity's as the older mare began to approach. "Rarity, what--"
"Uh buh buh!" Rarity put her hoof up to Twilight's lips. "Trust in my methods, Twilight. Eyes closed now... Try to think. Somepony you know, but also admire. Somepony strong, as smart as you but perhaps not in the same ways... with a gorgeous mane and eyes that shine across eternity..."
"...That's it," Twilight said softly. "of course that's it."
"Yes darli—"
"I'll ask Luna!"
Twilight's eyes opened as she turned away, and in doing so missed Rarity expression, which resembled a picture of a train wreck. Her mouth tried to work as Twilight bounded out the Boutique with but a quick 'thanks!' tossed over her shoulder.
The closing door echoed throughout the empty store. Slowly, Rarity sat down.
The unicorn took a deep breath.
"CURSES! FOILED AGAIN!"
Tangentially related, I’ve been meaning to write the typical dude in Equestria heat fic, except the guy smells like a mare in heat, so he doesn’t have any luck with the ladies. Plenty of stallions are interested, though.
Figure he’d be clueless, striking out with mares who think he’s female (really, how would they know?); meanwhile, all the stallions are inviting him to dinner, then over to their houses, and he thinks that they’re all super friendly bros, then they try to get in his pants.
EDIT: maybe a plot twist where he does manage to attract a mare, only she’s a lesbian and completely turned off when he finally drops trou.
Title suggestions:
What, this year or in her life?
It was the Heat of the Moment.
I've never understood the reasoning of those stories beyond the authors having a fundamental misunderstanding of reproductive cycles.
From a biological/evolutionary perspective, estrus cycles exist to prevent offspring from being born during winter, when food is scarce and conditions are hostile.
If the species is intelligent enough to have invented the fireplace, that need is no longer so critical. Also, given the existence of the Most Special Spell in the Triptych continuum, what is to prevent them from creating a spell that forces a cycle to occur outside its normal time frame?
That said, if it's a comedy, by all means.
I never knew how much I needed this in my life! Please put Luna in there!
I'm just wondering if this is going to be Standard Fanfic Estrus or Actual Horse Estrus (but with brains), because they bear almost no resemblance to each other.
Umm...
Sex o' clock?
I got nuthin.
5206162
That first one is just too good.
5206271 Yeah but there's like a dozen named that already.
5206156 Damnit, Snaproll! Sigh.
5206290
I finally managed to pull off a decent sex pun ;-;
Oh gosh, really???
Thank you so much!
5206305
I mean, it's better than my other idea:
"I Can Feel it Callin' In The Mare Tonight"
Sweetie, why do you look for trouble? I think you have enough in your life without seeing if you can find more.
5206156
Okay, that one is really good.
Planned Parenthood (To the Nearest Fifteen Minutes) is the best I can come up with.
I think 5206168 is the winner though...
5206266
...I can't unhear the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
5206273
Oh! And they can sorta regulate when winter happens, too! ("Sorta" because there's sometimes windigoes, but eh.)
5206305
Hmmm. Canned Heat.
5206266
5206340
My second favorite song by that group (behind "Dani California")
5206342
Another great group. Song starts about 30 seconds in
I'm probably going to hell for this, but I've considered writing a 'First time' story like this for Twilight because of the sheer awkwardness. After all, she doesn't want foals, and to enjoy the experience without the eleven-month-bonus-prize would then involve... precautions like... Socks! Well, yes, they're like socks only for... something else. And they have to be removed from the package and unrolled before application onto... that. And of course, there should be a second line of defense in case the first fails, and that means foam. Which takes an applicator into a very awkward place. While trying to get the.... sock ready. And don't get your mouth close to the foam, because it tastes terrible (don't ask).
It's very romantic. Particularly if you knock one of the candles off the headboard and it lands... Well, I'd avoid candles.
5206174 One note: Male humans are in a constant state of 'warm to simmering' as you say. Female humans *do* have monthly romance cycles, which correspond to their fertility. We've known it for some time, which is why Leviticus 15:19 where the woman is 'unclean' during her cycle and for seven days after. So, guess when a woman is the most likely to conceive? Yep, seven days after. So if you have a married couple who have been unable to have sex until this day, guess what they'll be doing that night? And nine months later?
Be fruitful and multiply, because God cheats.
5206359
Leviticus is fascinating as an ancient health and safety guidelines handbook.
Oh dear. :D
(No title ideas, I'm afraid, but fortunately it looks like there are already many in the comments.)
5206355
This reminds me of a novel I read many years back where the protagonist was going to have sex with a very... Nervous girl. They started using one contraceptive. Then another one. Then a third. If I remember correctly, they ended up wearing gas masks, raincoats, gloves and boots, only to be interuppted before they could start by her brother who wanted her to lend him money.
Guess who Zecora has help her make the potion.
Her faithful apprentice!
Twilight decides that there must be a spell of some kind to deal with this.
Hilarity ensues.
5206273
It takes about a thousand generations (give or take) for biology to change. (That's about how long true domestication takes, or speciation.) So, they'd need to have not just had fire, but a stable civilization with enough stored food to survive a bad harvest, for about 20,000-30,000 years for the system regulating estrus to start to drift. There's no guarantee that it would go away, either; factors that don't influence survival change or persist at random.
This is an Estee fic about a silly premise. It's almost certainly a dramedy.
It’s almost a shame you’re not writing this about Luna...
In the Heat of the Nightmare.
Who else gets bugged by the amount of clopping that goes on during February?
The Goal of All Life is Math
Chapter title - Add You and I, Subtract Our Inhibitions, Divide My Legs, and Multiply.
Hmm...
"The Categorical Imprecision of Egg Timers"?
I think Tipper has it down, though.