Revoked Story Tales (or: Hey, Let's All Rewrite This!) · 1:20pm Jul 28th, 2019
An hour ago, there was a story in the New column. And now there isn't.
It was called The Shortest Clopfic Ever, and it was fourteen words long. Also, it was rated Everyone. Because of course it was.
You may be asking yourself how a fourteen-word story could reach the New column. Well, that one's easy. The author was eligible for auto-approval, and just filled in the rest of the required minimum count with 986 words of blog filler. The story part? Fourteen words. But that story is gone now, because it was a fourteen-word story and the site really doesn't like it when you do that kind of end run around the rules. (I didn't report it. I'm guessing someone else did -- or the management just saw a clopfic which was rated E and decided that required examination.) However, I feel it's important to show you what the story was. And since it was but fourteen words in length, I'm pretty sure Fair Use allows me to quote the whole thing.
Ready?
Allow me to not-at-all-proudly present: The Shortest Clopfic Ever.
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
"No," said Shining Armor, and left the room.
You can feel the drama.
(If you happen to be feeling The Arousal, consult a doctor.)
So why bring this up? Because as soon as news of this story reached chat, people began to rewrite it.
Astral Mouse:
"give it to me shiny!" Twilight moaned
"okay" shining armor said, and gave it to her
Sockpuppet:
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
"I'm calling you a psychiatrist, sis," Shining Armor said.
And mine?
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
"I haven't even finished reading the foreword yet!" Shining groaned. "Go buy your own copy!"
So there's the format. Twilight demands 'it', and someone -- probably Shining -- responds. What can you do with this? What should you do with this?
...well, I'll tell you what we're not going to do. We're not going to assemble a proper thousand words' worth of rewrites in the blog comments and then submit them as an anthology.
That Would Be Wrong.
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
“Get your own sandwich!” Shining replied.
The immediate thing that sprang to my mind was more of a sequel:
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
"His name is Pennywise, and also no," said Shining.
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
"No, it's mine, all mine!" Shining cried, hugging the tinfoil crown tightly.
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
"Here's your quesadilla!" the waitress replied, just before she tripped.
“Give it to me!” Twilight moaned.
“‘It’ has a name, you know.” Shining grumbled. “Apologize to Francis.”
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
“You don’t get your allowance until you’ve completed your chores!” Twilight Velvet said.
“Give it to me,” Twilight said.
“No!” Shining Armor moaned, and left the room.
"Give it to me, Shiny," Twilight moaned.
"Oy vey!" Shining replied in perfect tune.
***
I got suckered into reading this before its takedown. It reminds me of a fabled contest proposed at the Algonquin Round Table, where one of the writers bet Ernest Hemingway he couldn't write a complete story in six words. His reply? "For sale, baby shoes, never worn."
BTW, he collected on the bet.
"Give it to me, Shiny"
"All the mares know I'm pretty fly (for a white guy)"
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
“Macintosh Apple, you give this filly her doll back!” said Granny.
"Give it to me!" Twilight demanded.
"Give... what?" Shining asked, looking around. "I... I don't understand, what do you want me to give you?"
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
"You asked for it..." Mumbled Shining, handing over his fanfiction's first draft.
“Give it to me!” Twilight moaned.
Spike gave it to Cadance, instead. And that’s how the Crystal Empire was saved.
"Give it to me, Shining," Twilight moaned.
Her beleaguered sibling sighed and struck the pose.
"I'll give you what you want, what you really-really want," he sang. "You wanna ha, you wanna ha, you wanna ha! Because if I wanna be your brother --"
He wanted to stop. He would have given anything to stop. But her eyes were bright.
"-- I've gotta get with your friends...!"
"Give it to me!" Twilight's desperate yell was like a moan of a horny lover. "Give it to me, damn it! I'm so wet!"
"No!" Shining forcefully jerked it away from her. "I told you to bring your own darn umbrella!"
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
“I hate dealing with mares that can’t handle their liquor,” Berry Punch muttered.
"Give it to me!" Twilight urged.
"Let me rehydrate first!" Wheezed Shining Armor.
~Skeeter The Lurker
“Give it to me,” filly Twilight moaned.
“No,” Shining said, holding the painted carrot in his field, just out of Twilight’s reach. “I got your horn!”
"Give it to me," yelled Twilight.
"No. It's my turn." Shinig said, grabbing the Astroglide bottle.
~Skeeter The Lurker
5095423
"Towel" would work as well.
“Please, sir, I want some more,” begged Oliver Twist.
“No,” said Shining Armor. “I don’t like crossovers.”
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
Spike shook his head as he swallowed the key to the basement. The crackling of the fire blazed ever louder from beneath them. "You know what's in that room, Twilight. It all needs to burn."
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
“Just because you’re a princess now doesn’t mean that you get to play with the sun!” yelled Celestia.
"Give it to me!" Moaned 'Twilight'.
"...why are you painted like Twilight, Cadance?" Asked Shining.
~Skeeter The Lurker
"Give it to me!" Said Twilight.
"You've asked me that 27 times! Enough already!" Replied Shining.
~Skeeter The Lurker
5095433
Sure, but somehow umbrella sounds more realistic, I think
5095436
OK, now I'm curious what's in the the room
?
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
“Last Hearth’s Warming, I gave you my heart. But the very next day you gave it away. This year, to save all my tears, I’ll give it to somepony special!” Flash Sentry cried.
"Give it to me Twilight!" Shining moaned.
Twilight held Flurry Heart in her magical aura. "No way Shining! You gotta try harder if you want to win Tag!"
Then she and her levitating niece rushed off into the sunset.
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
A.K. Yearling sighed, "I told you, the next Daring Do book isn't even in for editing yet!"
5095441
Nothing. Not anymore.
How about a more 'cloppy' one?
"Give it to me!" Twilight's yelled. Her eyes were burning no less than her nethers.
"No!" Shining's answered with a cold voice and a chilling stare. "You're not using the remote's batteries for your vibrator! Not again!"
5095448
Ah, I see... reminds me of this:
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
“If you do not make your request in rhyme, then you have proved yourself unworthy of my time,” Zecora said.
The stuff that happens when I am asleep on this site truly astounds me.
"Give it to me!” Twilight moaned.
"No”, said the fandom and they left the room.
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
Shining looked down and whispered "No."
5095438
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
"Thou shalt not meddle with Our moon, either," Luna responded calmly, yanking her hoof away.
5095461
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
“Stay away from my Empire,” hissed Cadance.
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
"Your bargaining posture is highly dubious" Roared the planet sized robot Shining
'Give it to me," Twilight moaned.
"Sorry, Cadance is holding onto it right now," Shining said. "You can go get it from her."
"Give it to me!' Twilight screamed.
"It's not good for--"
"I don't care! I need to see why people are writing clop about me!"
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
"Okay" said Shining, and knocked her out in one punch.
(retaining the link is optional, but it at least provides you with the context, if needed)
“Gib es mir!” Twilight moaned.
“No,” said Shining Armor, leaving with the German dictionary.
Per Aragon's suggestion.
"Give it to me," Twilight moaned.
"As you have requested, my student," Shining darkly said. "Pay heed to the legend of Darth Plagus the Wise."
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned, under the influence of a particularly strong batch of Granny Smith's Zap Apple cider.
"Are you sure?" Shining hesitated, wondering if he should.
"Yes!" Twilight exclaimed, highly anticipating the gift.
"Give it to me!" Nightmare Sparkle moaned.
"Sorry, Princess, but I can't let you have the Crown of Majesty!" Daring Do retorted.
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
"Ehhh-nope," Big Mac said, stripping off the Shining Armor costume.
"Give it to me!" Twilight moaned.
"I won it fair and square!" Shining protested.