• Member Since 26th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen Wednesday

Cerulean Voice


Father of twin 5yo boys, partner of Arcelia, and so glad to be back.

More Blog Posts72

  • 3 weeks
    Well that was a bust

    One person showed up to watch me play and complete The Last of Us in one sitting, in all the 13 hours and 40 mins it took me on Hard mode.

    I'd like to thank Flashgen, The Albinocorn, and PaulAsaran for attempting to signal boost me, and Albinocorn again for actually being that one who showed up :rainbowlaugh:

    Read More

    9 comments · 109 views
  • 3 weeks
    24 hour charity stream: TLoU (PS3) in prep for TLoU2 (PS4 Pro)

    As the title says, I will be attempting to make it through my first ever 24 hour stream. This one will be 100% for charity, although I haven't decided exactly what cause(s) I'm going to support. (Suggestions welcome, leaning toward MSF but totally open to others, ie: individual GoFundMes etc.) Please click through for more details.

    Read More

    1 comments · 176 views
  • 23 weeks
    The beginning of the end of the beginning of the end

    Arcelia and I are rewatching mlp from the first episode until the last. Neither of us have seen season nine. She's successfully moved back in with me and we are celebrating by taking the most epic trip down memory lane, culminating in the end of the show that brought us together in a way neither of us ever anticipated. I imagine it will be quite emotional when the time comes to say goodbye to the

    Read More

    5 comments · 131 views
  • 27 weeks
    Essenza di Amore 5 year anniversary, Happy 2020, and I can't believe I just typed either of those

    Hi, guys. As we bid farewell to the decade that brought the vast majority of us together, and look forward to the ones yet to come (may they be blessed), I want to share something lovely with you.

    Read More

    5 comments · 218 views
  • 102 weeks
    You know you've made it when

    The ponyfic equivalent of the Hall of Fame comes knocking on your door.

    Read More

    18 comments · 551 views
Jul
27th
2017

Delirium · 1:36pm Jul 27th, 2017

I’d open this by saying it’s been far too long since I spoke to you all… actually, yes, I will, because it has. Because there definitely was never a blog about a random twit insulting my family or anything of that nature. No, siree.

I’ve been gone a while. Not truly gone, not in the sense that people haven’t heard from me at all; you might have stumbled upon a comment of mine if you were in the right place at the right time, but apart from that, I’ve largely been inactive. I haven’t read anything in months—which I aim to rectify sooner rather than later—and I certainly haven’t written anything of note or posted any new content. I still get people asking me if I’ll ever continue The Ultimate Rebellion or Burning Day Reckoning, which honestly always humbles me. To those people, if you read this, I’m sorry for both that and the fact that I likely never responded to you.

The truth is that after I returned from the USA and my Bronycon trip—which was unforgettable by the way, thanks to the people who made it so (you know who you are)—life took a turn for the worse. No, that’s a lie. It didn’t get worse. I just stopped caring.

Let me explain. As many of you know, I am a father to two young twin boys, Brendan and Jaydn (not a typo—go yell at his mother or something, whatever). It’ll be their third birthday this weekend, and my mother and I have spent a pretty ridiculous amount of money on them. While rational and responsible me does not like the idea of large sums of cash going into a party that my boys likely won’t ever remember, the long-buried emotional side of me knows that they kinda deserve it, given their extremely rough start to life.

It shouldn’t have been so rough though, and I’m rather ashamed to admit that I’ve done nothing to really accelerate their growth and development to the point where they ought to be, judging by their peers. They’re still lagging behind: neither of them are yet fluent in speech (Jaydn is far worse owing to his disability; he can’t even speak a single resounding word yet that doesn’t sound like baby babble), and neither of them have been toilet trained. They’re supposed to be both of these things, and yet…

My reasoning for quitting fimfiction, writing, and reading was largely to do with the fact that I find it immensely difficult to concentrate on anything that requires even a small amount of focus now, given the constant distraction of noisy/hyperactive children that I must keep a constant watch on lest they get up to mischief (and they have far too many times). It’s so much easier to waste my time playing video games that can be paused at any given moment, same with videos on YouTube. And this is exactly what I’ve been doing for the last ten months or so, essentially.

The biggest culprit in terms of my excessive time disposal has everything to do with a game that I had recommended to me by a few friends: Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn. I played this game for the first time in mid-January, right after returning from a holiday where I went to visit my grandparents. Before FFXIV, the only MMORPG I had ever played was Tom Clancy’s The Division. I was hooked. It was all-consuming. Nothing mattered but the incredibly deep and complex storyline in a world more vibrant and alive than any I had ever experienced. I started out playing a few hours a day, but soon my days began to melt into a single long session of gaming and wilful insomnia.

Those of you who are at least semi-proficient in maths will know immediately how severe my addiction was when I present the following insane number to you.

2275: This is the amount of hours I have spent playing FFXIV, as of July 2nd. Five-and-a-half months it took me to amass that.

I knew it was a huge problem. Those of you who know what playing an MMO is like, be it DOTA or WoW or KotOR what-have-you, can attest to the nature of these beasts. They never end. There’s always something to do, even when there isn’t really. Mounts, armour sets, unique weapons, endless raid after raid after raid… and when a new ExPack comes out, you basically have to start all over again because suddenly that relic weapon you poured hundreds of hours into obtaining is rendered obsolete and good for nothing but glamour.

To this end, even though I was having such a great time being a hermit and essentially only stopping the game when it was time to shower, eat, or sleep, it was having dire consequences elsewhere. The time I should have spent with my kids teaching them skills, playing with them, taking them out to play or see other kids their age was all spent staring at my laptop and wearing out my Xbox controller, often straight-up ignoring them. Many times my mother would come home and reveal the damage that the boys had done to something she owned, or the mess they had made in the laundry while I was doing dungeons and raids, completely oblivious. These were never good times, let me tell you.

I didn’t care. I never wanted to look after these children in the first place. Though they be my own flesh and blood, they were wholly unintended and only wanted by one of their parents. Many of you who’ve followed me for a long time may recall my series of blogs regarding kidnappings and legal battles that resulted in me being awarded full custody of B and J; even though I didn’t want to fight for them, didn’t really care if they went back to their incompetent and (in many ways) disgusting mother, could not even find it within myself to love them… I had to do it. Because my conscience wouldn’t let me. Despite everything I didn’t feel for my sons, I was not about to return them to a life of impoverishment, general neglect, and bogan-level education.

Life is so much easier… simpler when you turn off the part of your mind that cares about others and the world around you. You make your world truly yours. You are in control. You do what you want to do, and everything else around you is just background chatter, white noise. I can’t say I was ever truly happy with this life, but I was at least content. Content within the comfortable darkness I had brought upon myself.

But the light of hope endured, determined though I was to stamp out anything that affected me on an emotional level. I had cut off my friends and most of my family, not out of contempt or any personal reasons… it was just my way of simplifying my life to the point where I felt in complete control of everything.

But the light of hope endured.

The light of hope endured.

It took the form of a single entity. One person. One person who actually understood what I had made myself into and didn’t hate it. Because they were not in a position themselves to feel such things when they had so many other issues to deal with.

We talked a lot. More to each other than anyone else, for quite some time actually. And that’s saying something, considering it would be on a weekly basis at most.

I can’t ever truly explain the bond we had, but I always looked forward to their calls. It broke the monotony of the life I had chosen for myself, which in itself makes no sense when you consider that was the very thing I was trying to avoid. I guess the only real way I can describe our relationship was that of kindred spirits: beings who had endured life rather than lived through it, who had had terrible life events come to pass far too many times but refused to accept that this was how it always would be. We’d talk about all the times that life had decided to use us as its sewerage plant in different ways, and even when I was only listening and not talking much, it was oddly comforting to know that someone trusted me enough to spill all of their most terrible secrets to, secrets that no family member or significant other had ever been privy to.

It went on this way for almost a full year before they made a fateful decision that would, unknowingly at the time, change both of our lives completely.

You can probably guess where this is going, so I’ll drop any and all pretenses here. This kindred spirit was someone I had worked with and met online, on this very site so many of us call their happy place. Suddenly after three years of conversing, offering editing input, late-night Skype calls with copious amounts of ice cream and/or chocolate, and bucketloads of tears that would tip Libra’s scales permanently, the time came for us to meet face to face for the first time.

The finer details of what happened in Those Three Weeks would fill an autobiography, and to be honest, I really don’t feel like going that far into it. Instead, I’ll let her do that for you right here in a far more concise format.

She is tragic. She is fragile. She has been damaged far more than anyone her age has any right to have been.

She is beautiful. She is everything I ever dreamed of.

She loves me. And I love her.

Her name is Laura. :heart:


Neither of us saw this coming. But we are both so glad it did. We’ve reinforced each other’s weak points and given strength to one another where we thought we had none. Nobody understands either of us more than each other.

My life is different now. Those Three Weeks were—and probably will remain for some time—the most important three weeks of our lives. We’re planning a future together, and although there are yet so many obstacles standing in our way, we have the will and the passion to overcome them together. It will be hard. There are issues we have to sort out on both ends of the country, issues unique to us.

I don’t play Final Fantasy XIV anymore. It’s strange how something you could throw yourself into so wholly for so long can suddenly seem so… hollow. Meaningless. I don’t even miss it. I’ve been given the greatest blessing I never dared to ask for and now everything is different. My world is changed, my priorities shifted drastically.

I will be a better man: for my children, my heaven-sent angel of a girlfriend, and the future that we all deserve. The future that, for too long, I had utterly forsaken.


SO! On that happy note, I’m announcing my partial (for now) return to the site. Primarily I’ll be aiming to catch up on my—holy shit it got that big :pinkiegasp:—unread favourited story chapter update list, and then the handful of stories that I almost let languish forevermore on my Read Later shelf. Don’t count on any real content updates, as I’m still not at that point where returning to writing is a good idea, but know that I’ll be around more often in general. Who knows? I may even revive my old review series, Cerulean’s Voice on the Matter. I’ll just have to see how things go. Don’t hold your breath for anything in particular… but there’s always a possibility.

Tl;dr: At first I said, “Fuck life,” and then some pretty neat things happened and now I’m begging life’s forgiveness and striving to be a better person in general.

P.S. You should watch Bojack Horseman if you haven’t already. Honestly one of the best shows I’ve ever watched. :coolphoto:

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Comments ( 31 )

There are no words to properly convey how happy I am for you to have found love and reignited your interest in life, writing, and family. I wish you, Laura, Brendan, and Jayden, all the best in the years to come.

...thank her for us, CV. You have rescued each other, and in so doing, saved a family. For if things continued the way you describe it, it would have been a fractured life you lived. Though you may see yourself and her, even your children, as broken, you can use the busted pieces of each and another to complete the puzzle known as a good life. Blessings of all the gods, on both you and yours; may the healing of this relationship be a great good to all of you.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

wowdang :O

I had accumulated 1000 hours into the game Destiny in a year and a half. That felt like a whole lot to me. Every week doing the raid on three characters. Every week doing the lighthouse on three characters. To be fair the lighthouse only took 45 minutes for each character lol. Then one day I just decided to quit. It's easier than I thought. I just quit and never returned. It felt great to be honest. I had much more time for other things. Life can be so much more fulfilling if you find things that you love to do other than just pure video games.

I am glad the clouds are parting for you.
Give the boys what they need, yourself what you deserve. Good luck.

PS—My hide-from-the-world, stay-up-all-night addiction was Civilization III.

Damn, I was only gonna read the first paragraph, thinking it wasn't really worth my time, but I ended up reading the whole thing. All I can say is that I'm happy you managed to sort yourself out, for your kids and your girlfriend.

Do what you can to make others you care for happy. That's what matters, I think. Best wishes to you.

Jesus fuck man. And to think this may have all been happening right around the corner from me. (that's a lie, I live in the middle of nowhere. Moreton Bay is totally in the middle of nowhere.). I'm so Happy for you guys, but it's only the first step.

I don't have much to say other than what are you going to do for the next week?

You're lucky she's 18 bro.

Good to see you again, mate.

We've missed you.

~Skeeter The Lurker

N E R D

Congrats, dude. After all that nonsense with your ex, you deserve some happiness.

Like Drakey, I don't have words to use. I know life has... not been the kindest to you. But, I'm glad to see things are turning up again and I hope they stay like that. Laura has my thanks! :heart: And I'm Discord a lot more now if you want to chat!

Well, that sure is a lot to take in at once. At any rate, I'm glad things are looking up.

So in the end, the story has a happy ending. Welcome back. :pinkiehappy:

I'm really happy for you man. After all the shit you've been through, and her from the sounds of it, I think you both MORE than deserve a little happiness. I'mma wish you all the best my friend.

4615024
Hi, I know I haven't properly introduced myself yet. But I just have a few questions. Like, for one, why is everybody thanking me? I mean, I know I've been a pretty big benefactor for his happiness these last few weeks but all I did was end a toxic relationship so I could finally start a healthy one.

I've been reading and rereading these comments for a few hours and honestly, the amount of kindness everybody has shown is just incredible. There aren't words for how I'm feeling right now. The reason he wrote this blog was that I finally decided to speak up and share my half of the story, so he thought it best to share his.

Lastly, can I just say thank you to anyone who has read both or either of our blogs and recognised that something pretty significant has occurred in both our lives recently and it will continue to have a positive effect on how active we are on this site? The odds are stacked against us but in the end, we're gonna rise above it all and stand triumphant.

Thank you all, I will try and respond to as many of these comments as I can. :raritywink:

4614382
Thank me for what? I'm seriously confused at the moment. :twilightoops:
4615203
Ending? I do believe that is just the beginning of something.

4614377
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4615235
:heart: you guys. It can only get better from here. :raritystarry:
4614385
inorite :D
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4614390
I love games—have all my life. But as far as addictions go, I've never been so suckered into anything as much as MMORPGs and RTSs. Entertainment is great, but best left in short bursts for me from now on, and not while my kids are awake.

Sounds like a it was a sucky path, but you sure lucked into one heck of a happy place. Certainly something a lot of us would love to have happen for ourselves. Best of luck to both of you in keeping the goodness going here on out.

4615321
You helped a friend a friend of ours, simple as that. :twilightsmile: I'm also glad things are looking a lot better for you as well. I wish both of you the best of luck!

4615381
Thank you, you must thank Adrian for making things better. Well, he certainly helped. All the best. :heart:

Yeah, I hear you. As much as I faff around with video games I have an ironclad rule of no MMOs, ever, not a single minute, and it's exactly that infinite time suck that made me do it. Glad to hear you're back out from the void.

Best of luck to the two of you, and your family, and here's hoping that a healthy life with sufficient attention to both of those things still allows you to hang out regularly with us here. :twilightsmile:

4615321

Because from the sound of it, you stopped him from becoming a deadbeat dad.

Provided I read all this right.

~Skeeter The Lurker

4615394 Adding my two cents in here, you both deserve thanks. For helping each other become stronger than you could be when separate. For helping bring a family together, for helping a friend rise above apathy.

Because you're a good person, and we can always, always use more of those.

I've had the pleasure of meeting CV and I hope someday I can say hello in person to you as well and say thanks again to you both.

*Gives digital hugs to all*

Well, late to the party, but I guess I'll throw in a "Welcome Back." It's always good seeing people get back on their feet, especially when they're old friends. I'll look forward to seeing you around on here a little more.

4615321
Ah, so you're the one I've heard rumors about. I may be obligated to get to know you; it's always best to get on the good side of the 'boss' of he from whom I might want edits done in the future. :raritywink:

4616080
Well, these certainly aren't rumours but if that's how you would put it then yes, I am. If you feel you would like to get to know me, I'm on discord, skype and here on fimfiction. I am available most of the hours of the day. Also, how am I his "boss?" Just because I became his girlfriend less than a month ago doesn't automatically make me in charge or anything. :twilightsheepish:

We really ought to get some sort of photo of us up here, as to dispel any rumours and prove that I am in fact, a real person. :heart:

4616520
Bah! It's the rule of all homo sapiens: the girl of the pair is always the boss. It's just a fact of life.

I'm almost always on, but I'm not a very talkative individual. Cerulean can tell you; most of the time someone else has to initiate the conversation with me. I'm introverted even by nettertube standards. Still, I'll see if I can't find an opportunity in the near future to have a chat with you two together.

In the meantime? Pleased to make your acquaintance. :twilightsmile:

4616547
It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance also, Adrian did speak of you. Briefly but he has mentioned you a few times. I'm sure we can arrange a time for the three of us to talk. On skype, discord or otherwise, I'm sure he wouldn't mind. I think it would be good if I could get to know some of his close friends a little better. :twilightsmile:

Apologies for being super late to the party. Congrats on your newly-found passion in life! The first part of your blog post was very scary, reading about you putting that much time into a single game. I honestly don't think I've put that much time into any one thing in that short a period in my life. I'm very happy to hear that you've broken from it into something you can be happy with.

Welcome back to FIMFiction! It's good to see you back, regardless of how long you might stay.

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