The Melancholy and Disappearance of Arcelia Part IV · 7:18am Jul 27th, 2017
> Highly recommend you go back and reads parts One, Two, and Three before reading this if you haven't already.
Warning: This post contains sensitive and somewhat disturbing information, please proceed with caution.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I haven't posted anything for four months now but if I could even begin to tell you what's happened in the last four months, you would be horrified. It's just been so much. I mean, I got home from Bali and honestly, the skies turned grey and things only went from bad to worse. It has been the most turbulent few months of my life. But I realise now, that I've finally made my way out of a very dark forest and I have found the sun.
But first, can I just say that never have I been more grateful that I belong to such an amazing and compassionate fandom? Honestly, I really couldn't have done these past few years if it weren't for the support of some very special individuals. You see, for the past three years I've been talking to and holding a very special friendship with someone who I hold very close to my heart. His name is Cerulean Voice.
He has helped me through some of my darkest moments and I recently flew to Brisbane and stayed with him. I was there from the 27th of June until the 20th of July. Those few weeks they, changed my life in ways I couldn't possibly imagine. This all part of a much bigger story and to tell you what happened and why I haven't been active for a really long time I need to tell you about a more, delicate matter.
You see, when I got home from Bali, I started sharing a bed with my then boyfriend whose name I shall not disclose for privacy reasons and I don't need any of you chasing after him with torches and pitchforks. It was then that the nature of our relationship truly shifted. He started taking medication for something I will also not disclose here. The pills he was taking, made him more aggressive and violent towards me. I always knew there was a darkness inside of him, but this...this unleashed it.
I won't go into too much detail about what happened but let's just say that I've just come out of an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. He did some really awful things, none of which he remembers but I can't forgive him for what he did. Despite all that's happened between us, he still lives with me and my family. Every day, I wake up and I see him and honestly, it's hard to move on when there's this constant reminder of the pain that I've felt, the torment I suffered just sitting there...on my bed. It's so hard.
I am seeing a psychologist and a physiotherapist, both of whom will help me recover from what has happened. It is still very raw, but I feel myself getting stronger every day. I've only been home from Brisbane a week and things are already looking up. I've applied for some more jobs and I'm trying to sort out some sort of study. It's not been easy, but I'm eighteen now and I need to take charge of my own life.
Which brings me to my next point. You see, getting to Brisbane was only half the journey. The other half was all the arguing and negotiating I would have to do with my family. No one and I mean absolutely no one thought I should go to Brisbane. They all thought it was a terrible idea. How could I fly across the country and stay with a complete stranger? But Adrian is not a complete stranger. He's my friend, we've been conversing for so long that it just felt like the most natural course of action. It was all I wanted, I had been talking about with him for well over a year. I couldn't let anything hold me back from seeking adventure.
So after weeks of torment and arguing, I won my Mother over and she agreed that if I didn't go, I'd regret it for the rest of my life. I took all my birthday money and spent it on a return flight to Brisbane. On the night that I was supposed to fly out, I was jittering with nerves and excitement. I was reluctant to say goodbye after all this was my first trip alone.
The day before, I had spoken to my Mother about breaking up with my boyfriend and she convinced me to give him another chance. I had told her about what had happened between us over the last few months and she still thought it best that we didn't break up. But what I didn't realise then, was that I should've bitten the bullet and done it anyway, it would've saved me so much trouble later.
Speaking of later, when I got to Brisbane. I was jetlagged, exhausted and very cold. Adrian was more than happy to give me a lift from the airport and I was happy to take it. Were my family happy? Of course not. It's foolish of me to trust a complete stranger to take me back to their house and let me stay there. I'm just a naive eighteen-year-old girl with absolutely no life experience whatsoever. Clearly.
I don't remember much about my first few days at Adrian's, other than that I slept a lot and ate very little. I was happy to be there but I was so worn out from walking through a fire that I just need to rest. So I pretty much spent the first two days sleeping on his couch. He didn't seem to mind, besides I was good company for him...when I was awake at least.
The first week of my holiday flew past me and I realised that ten days wasn't going to be enough so I extended it out to the 20th, that way I would be home in time for my boyfriend's 21st birthday party. So then I got a phone call from him and I don't remember what he said but he basically guessed that I still wanted to break up with him. That sparked a nasty argument between us and after nearly an hour on the phone with him, I broke it off. I ended it right then and there. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but it had to be done.
You see, in the week leading up to the breakup. My friendship with Adrian had only gotten stronger, I remember one night I started telling him about all the things my ex-boyfriend had done and it took us awhile after to get through them all. But he helped me see that what was happening between us wasn't normal. That some of it was borderline rape and most of it would be considered abuse. Which was what helped me see that being in a toxic relationship with him was what was making me so depressed. Adrian was showing me nothing but kindness, compassion and love. While my ex-was showing me nothing but pain and suffering. I look back on some of the things we did and how it made me feel so...violated.
Yet, miraculously after two years of suffering and considerable trauma...I was able to trust Adrian in ways I never thought I'd be able to trust anyone ever again. It was just hours after I had broken up with my ex and already there was something inside me that felt...different. I felt relieved. It was that freedom, to finally spread my wings that bring us to the next part of this story. I'm not sure whether now is the right time to be disclosing this information or not but I've had some time to think about it and I think that if Adrian were to read this, he would be okay with it.
You see, we share a special bond. I knew this because in those two or three days leading to the big breakup I started feeling something different towards him. Something I hadn't felt in a long time. I felt like I was fourteen all over again, I was so embarrassed and giddy and nervous all at the same time. We were sitting in the lounge room and he was stretched out on the couch and I remember saying that I needed to tell him something, and it was very difficult to say. But I basically confessed that I had romantic feelings for him and I remember he said that he felt the same way.
It was strange. Cause here I was, sitting on his couch thinking that I'd just made a fool of myself when this person had feelings for me too. It was something that he wasn't expecting to hear. But for awhile, he had been pushing them down and trying to forget about them. But sometimes, when you know...you just know.
That was three weeks ago. But trust me, we were just as surprised as everybody else. Of course, concerns were raised by our families and we have discussed at great length what our relationship means. That if I were to move over there and take permanent residency that by virtue of being his girlfriend, I become the stepmother of his two kids. Which, for an eighteen-year-old is a lot of responsibility. But I am still trying to figure my own life out, I'm not in a hurry to move interstate.
It's just being such a turbulent time and for the most part, everything about us becoming a couple felt so...right. He knows about all the things that have happened to, and be done to me so he's not in the dark about anything. I guess what I'm trying to say is, the reason I've been gone for so long is mostly due to depression and going to Brisbane for three weeks.
Now that I am home, writing from my own computer once again, I feel like so much stronger a person than I did before I went to see Adrian. I used Brisbane as an out, I so desperately needed a safe place to go and escape from my life, my family and for the most part my boyfriend. Both my psych and Adrian have said that they admire my resilience for sticking with my ex-boyfriend for so long. Especially when I was being abused on what could be assumed, a daily basis. But now, that's all behind me. Well, almost. I still have to live with him and deal with him on a daily basis but it won't be this way for too much longer.
I'm flying back to Brisbane on the 6th of August. Just for another small vacation. This time it will be just the two of us and neither of us can hardly bear to wait. I've been filling in the time sorting out doctor's appointment and Centrelink claims, job applications and catching up on all the reading I've been meaning to do. It's been a pretty busy week and I've got another appointment tomorrow and its two train rides away.
Honestly, I believe that if none of the last three years or three months happened, I wouldn't be who I am now. I am so much stronger mentally and emotionally. The thing I find most bizarre about all of this is, my ex-boyfriend knows he fucked up. He knows he can't repair the damage he has done. But all I want now is to continue onwards with my life, get a part-time job, get stuck into studying. I can't let any of what's happened hold me down or hold me back from what I want.
All I want now is to just be happy and hopefully, make a better future for not only myself but for Adrian and his kids. This might sound crazy, actually, it almost certainly is crazy but I believe that anything is possible. Our love is so strong that not even the distance between us can wane it. It feels absolutely incredible to be back and I do apologise for all the times that I've gone missing. It just so happens that my life has been really crazy and complicated and I honestly what to take to it with a giant stick, or some lemons.
Thank you all for sticking around, I'm sure that when the time comes, this will all make a lot more sense than it probably does to most of you but this has just been one hell of a fucking ride that I've just gotten off.
Also, Adrian, if you are reading this. I'm sorry if this post came out of nowhere but I just felt now is the right time to do this. So please forgive me if you feel offended or like you didn't want the fact that we are together disclosed just yet.
See you all in the next one hopefully this the final blog I do of this sort, I don't need to beat this dead horse any longer.
- A
I came here from Adrian. I gotta read some of your stuff.
He's one of my best friends. The first person to show me any kind of friendship on this site. He got to stay at my residence for awhile last year and I'll tell you, from an outsiders perspective, he's genuine and kind.
Treat him well and you'll get the moon in return.
4614571
I'm pretty sure he spoke about you, Famous. Even just briefly, I'm glad that I can say that I agree with you. He is genuine and kind, he's shown me nothing but kindness and honestly, that's all it took.
And don't worry, I promise to treat him with all the love and compassion he deserves. Because I know that he will do the same for me.
One last thing, not to discredit what you're saying or anything, but I feel I got a galaxy in return.
Thanks for reading both of our blogs, both of our sagas and I wish you all the best.
4614571
Hey, um...I forgot to mention this but um...Adrian kind of gave me your shirt. Like, I've been wearing every day since I got home. Honestly, it's become such a special memento for me and I'm so glad I can truly appreciate it. He told me it was yours and decided it should be mine, it's a little big on me but I don't mind...I'm tiny anyway. :P So I just thought I'd tell you that.
4615318
Well, I just wanted him to have something to remember me by. So, if that something in a weird third party way becomes you, then I'm cool with that.
4615323
I will treasure it.
I've been reading these updates for a while now, and I have to say that I'm glad to hear that you're finally doing better. It's always hard to watch someone and know you can't help them, but when that person is going through something similar to what you yourself have gone through, it's even harder. I can't tell you how relieved I am to know that you're doing better, and that you were able to open up to and trust someone again -- that's the part that most people have the hardest time with, and I'm so happy that you did it so naturally with your new bf.
Chin up, Arcelia -- you're doing great. And I hope we'll get to talk more in the future. :3
4621399
Thank you, Daftpony. Your support means a lot to me and it helps me to remind myself that I not only my bf's support. But the support of so many of the people on this site. They have shown it to me in measures I cannot fathom to repeat. So thank you.
If you wish to speak to me, I am on skype, discord, Gmail and here on this site. So don't be afraid to send me a message. My skype username is crystalsecret14. I hope to hear from you in the near future.
You know, it's funny. Adrian actually said the exact same thing. But instead of 'Arcelia' who called me something else. So I appreciate the sentiment.