Paul's Thursday Reviews LXVI · 12:37am Mar 3rd, 2017
I must have been on some kind of horror/Halloween kick, 'cause I notice a trend in the types of stories popping up for this review blog and the ones around it. Not that I particularly mind, seeing as of how horror's one of my favorite genres. But I always find that horror is one of the harder genres to find in high quality. I'm not sure if that's just my luck or if there's something to it, but regardless of medium, I tend to find a lot more bad horror than good.
But there are always exceptions.
In unrelated news: anyone having trouble with GDocs? It seems to be constantly dropping its connection lately. I don't know how many holes I found in these reviews during the pre-post edit because of that kind of thing.
Anyway, I've got material to write, so let's get to the reviews, shall we?
Stories for This Week:
Substance by Tramper
Dubious Enchantment by bookplayer
The Old Gray Mare by Thornwing
The Unfortunate Stabbing of Nurse Redheart by ocalhoun
Night Shift - Sacred and Wild by The Nightmare Rider
Second Princess of the Night by Senyu
Total Word Count: 362,413
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 3
Worth It: 2
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
Lightning Dust has lost her drive. But even if she’s aimlessly wandering Equestria, depressed, and with no hope for the future, she’s still got certain instincts. And those instincts tell her that when an Ursa Major goes on a rampage in a small village, she needs to act. Even if she doesn’t know why.
This little story gives a lot with very little. Starting in the heat of battle when all seems lost, it runs through Lightning’s depressed introspection as she struggles to do something that can give her life meaning. In the process, we learn a lot about who Lightning is, both in terms of her personality and her past. I like the way Tramper uses such a small amount of space to reveal so much, without ever falling into exposition-y traps or annoying flashbacks.
There are a handful of minor issues in the writing, but not enough to seriously detract from the experience. I suppose the only real catch readers may find is that whenever Lightning Dust appears in any story, it’s almost always with this same self-destructive/depressed/bitter angle. I don’t mind that, but it may simply be because I’ve read so very few Lightning Dust stories. Seriously, that poor mare needs to get another episode or something.
For what this is, I am most pleased. It’s a stand out LD fiction that gives her a lot of character without necessarily redeeming her.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Dubious Enchantment
5,852 Words
By bookplayer
Y’know how in movies and stories, the protagonist finds a dark, ominous little store in a back alley loaded with clearly questionable goods? Ever wonder why anyone would want to run a store like that? Well, look no further! After Pinkie discovers a dark and ominous store that appeared out of nowhere in a Ponyville back alley, she decides to give all her friends a gift! That evening, Princess Twilight decides she needs to have a word with the store’s owner.
This is my kind of humor. Combining wit with some well known cursed/troublesome items in the hooves of all the wrong ponies, it begs the question of why such a store could possibly exist and how it is that peopleponies keep going back to them. Twilight’s frustration is just as amusing as the storekeeper Gob’s indifference and ‘reasonable’ arguments.
There’s really not much to say here beyond that the story is immensely entertaining. I’d love to see Hasbro make something like this into an episode. I highly recommend it for a chuckle or six.
bookshelf: Pretty Good
The Old Gray Mare
5,134 Words
By Thornwing
We need more Mayor Mare stories. I can honestly say that this is the first I’ve read specifically focused on her, and I’d like to see more. Any recommendations out there?
Mayor Mary Mare has come to a realization: with a princess in Ponyville, there’s no need for a mayor. Twilight has essentially taken over the job, albeit unintentionally, and Mary finds her three decades-long role is no longer necessary. So, with a heavy heart, she goes to the princess to resign her position.
Twilight’s having none of that nonsense.
This was nice. It does a nice job revealing who the mayor is, giving us a brief but proud summary of everything Mayor Mare is to the town of Ponyville. But as much as it is about Mayor Mare’s role in small town politics, it’s also a little lesson about learning to move on and, most importantly, being comfortable with that choice. Even if it takes a little extra willpower to stand by it.
There’s not much to add here. The story is short and sweet, as it is meant to be. I think the only thing that gave me pause in the entirety of the story is the claim that she’s “the town’s first, last, and only mayor.” Bearing in mind that Granny Smith was but a filly when Ponyville was founded, I find this dubious. While I suppose it’s possible Ponyville didn’t have any government or elected leadership for the majority of its existence, I seriously doubt it.
It’s a minor hiccup. If I didn’t nitpick, I wouldn’t have had anything negative to say. I enjoyed the story and its brief view of the mayor, and look forward to seeing more of her.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
The Unfortunate Stabbing of Nurse Redheart
5,278 Words
By ocalhoun
Recommended by Rayvinne
I never expected to read this one. The story made some waves when it first came out, but the topic didn’t interest me. Aside from that, I already had an ocalhoun story in my RiL, so I didn’t intend to add another. But Rayvinne has spoken, and here we are. We’ll see if the rumors I’ve heard – both positive and negative – are accurate.
This story turns out to be exactly what the title suggests. I suppose it is meant to be a study of death, seeing as of how it lingers through the topic. I really liked the beginning and the middle, which are eloquent and vivid and gave a great view of Redheart’s life without wasting our time with exposition. Alas, it all ended up pointless – but I’m holding off here because I honestly think that being pointless is a big part of the point. It emphasizes the tragedy and thoughtlessness of the event itself. If this was ocalhoun’s intention, I approve.
Where the story starts to have problems is as it approaches the ending. At some point it is established that Redheart’s starting to get… shall we say wonky? Due to blood loss. And yet as things go along, her feelings and awareness only become more and more clear. Now I’ll grant that I’ve never experienced anything remotely like this, but it struck me that she was too aware of exactly what was happening to her at the end. I can’t help but think that the author should have worked less with “this is what it physically feels like to die” and more with her mental state, especially since said mental state seemed like such a big focus for more than half the story.
In summation, this story started off very strong, but fizzled out near the end. It’s not bad, but it doesn’t wow me, either. Which is a shame, because the opening half made it clear that this author could have pulled that off. Oh well, I’ve got plenty more ocalhoun stories to go through where this came from.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Night Shift - Sacred and Wild
10,484 Words (Partial Reading)
By The Nightmare Rider
Requested by JawJoe
As much as I enjoyed JawJoe’s Twilight Sparkle: Night Shift, I never felt that it needed a sequel (the prequel? That's a different story). Apparently The Nightmare Rider disagreed, and was able to convince JawJoe to support his endeavor to create one. What we end up with is another attempt at Timberjack vs. Flutterbat… and I don’t particularly mind. I’d love to see the concept dealt justice, and after the abysmal failure of the last story I read attempting this, I figure this one can’t be that bad.
Set two years after the events of Night Shift, we learn that at the Grand Galloping Gala of the previous story Fluttershy was made into a vampire pony. She now takes medicine on a monthly basis in order to keep her vampiric tendencies in check. In the meantime, Applejack has been bitten by a werewolf, but still hasn’t quite caught on the the consequences of that fact. Now Trixie has shown up to get Fluttershy’s help saving AJ, while AJ is being trained/recruited by another werewolf.
And all that’s just the first chapter, which is as far as I got.
On the positive side, this feels much more like a proper story than the last Flutterbat vs. Timberjack story I read. On the downside, it still has a plethora of problems that make it hard to properly enjoy. The story starts with an info dump, and such things occur fairly frequently in ways that work wonders in distracting from whatever was just going on. Exposition runs rampant, and yet somehow the story still flies by way too quickly. Characters make questionable decisions with minimal effort to get to them, especially Applejack (“Hey, you’re a werewolf now! You’ve never met me and the circumstances are real weird, but I wanna train you to be a werewolf. Ignore my smirking and shifty glances.” “Alright, sounds like a plan to me!”).
I feel like all the events of the first chapter should have been more along the lines of three chapters, giving plenty of time to let the situation develop naturally. As it is, everything feels canned and unbelievable. I think that, should the author decide to slow down and let the events play out at a reasonable pace, this could be a worthwhile story. The fact is that the idea is a good one, and I’d love to see Van Trixing in action alongside Flutterbatula.
Alas, the story has only just begun, and it looks like the updates are going to come with excruciating slowness. I will continue to watch this one, because as rough as the first chapter was I am still very interested in seeing how it develops. But for now, I hope the author is taking some time to grasp the pacing a little better, because that’s the primary thing this story is lacking.
Second Princess of the Night
333,218 Words
By Senyu
Completed Story
Anyone who knows me can understand why I had no choice but to follow this story. It helped that, up until this time, the only story I’d ever read that legitimately involved vampire ponies was Twilight Sparkle: Night Shift, and then they weren’t the central point. So yeah, my extreme eagerness for horror material brought me here.
In this tale, we learn that Sombra was one of the four “Shepherds,” villains so powerful that even Celestia and Luna feared them, and so indescribably evil that all longed for their demise. With Sombra’s defeat, the second of these villains has awakened: the vampire lord Night Walker. But unlike Sombra, who seems to do everything by brute force, Walker is a schemer; he’d rather take his time to learn about the world and act from the shadows. And he has a plan that centers on Equestria’s latest alicorn.
This story is something of a mixed bag, and while there are some things I loved there are other things that are hard to reconcile. But to begin positively, the story is almost all good. Senyu crafts a believable world and does a great job of showing us the culture and history of the bat ponies. The story is filled with plenty of intrigue, adventure and character growth, especially in terms of Twilight and Ruby, but also in regards to the predominant bat ponies of the story. Rarity also gets plenty of special attention, and I always enjoy seeing more of Fashion Horse. We end up with a somewhat complicated web of shifting plots and ideas that made me quite eager to see where things were going.
And yet…
The most obvious problem a reader will find is that the first quarter of the story is a grammatical mess. Repetition, missing words, odd punctuation, there’s plenty to keep you distracted from what’s going on. The good news is that this gets a lot better as the story moves on, and by halfway through the story they are only showing up sporadically. Still, you have to wade through the beginning of it, and that is such a rough ride that I wouldn’t blame people for quitting early.
The other obvious problem is the main villain. From the moment Night Walker is first described, I’m rolling my eyes. No, really, he looks like a ponified Dracula from Castlevania, and I seriously doubt the appearance is a coincidence. I prefer my authors go less ‘awesome anime badass with ridiculous hair and ominous colors because that makes him look cool’ and more ‘nopony’s supposed to recognize I’m the bad guy,’ especially since he spends the first few chapters trying to keep anypony from realizing he’s the bad guy.
But let’s ignore his ‘look at me I’m evil HAHAHA!’ character design. The big deal about this guy – and let me note that his is a positive thing – is that he’s evil. Not in the ‘I vant to suck your blood’ way or the ‘I’ll kill you as easily as look at you’ way, oh no. You all recall my penchant for disliking mind control? Night Walker tops that by being able to literally alter your soul. Just by looking at you, he could take someone who is perfectly sane and kind and loving and turn them into a bloodthirsty killer – and make said killer think it was their idea all along.
Now I’m not particularly religious or anything, but I do believe in the concept of the soul, and as such this falls into the category of irredeemable, this-person-needs-to-die-in-the-worst-possible-way evil. It creates an entirely new dynamic for the villain, leaving us a bad guy with tons of potential. The instant I realized what he could do, I wanted him dead and looked forward (in a dark sort of way) to seeing just how far he’d go.
And this is precisely why I call total bullshit on the ending. After all he’s done, after what he’s been known throughout the ages for, after establishing himself as perhaps the single worst being that ever breathed, there isn’t a chance in Tartarus I’m buying the conclusion. Others may disagree, but it struck me as little more than shoehorning.
But there is an interesting dynamic that comes into play here, and that is this curious establishment within the story that somehow manipulating souls is not unethical. Non-villainous characters do it frequently as if it were merely another tool. I still think it’s reprehensible, and that makes the entire story seem outlandish and off to me – and it seems Celestia and Luna agree – and yet it looks like soul manipulation is set to become the norm. It's an interesting development and I admit to being curious as to where it’s going.
I think the worst part about the story, however, is the writing style. This thing could have been some 100,000 words shorter had the author bothered to cut out the needless bits. I don’t mean the individual events, I mean the extremely long explanations. There are times when you’ll be told something, and then later have it all explained in the same level of detail again, and then again in the next chapter. Past scenes the readers are perfectly well aware of will be summarized in lengthy, pointless paragraphs. A character’s mental state will be made abundantly clear in one way only to have the information immediately repeated in an entirely different way. Aspects of the story that are plainly obvious by the events alone get massive, two-to-three paragraph descriptions that are repetitive of themselves.
A third of the time, I read everything. Another third, I was skimming. For the last third, I just wished the author would shut up. We get it, okay? Twilight's sad and the situation sucks. Move on.
The only other topic that may annoy people is the fact that, despite this supposedly starring Twilight, it actually… doesn’t? I can see some people being bothered by what may be considered one long OOC segment. There’s a reason behind it, and a pretty good one at that, but for those here to read about Twilight I imagine there’d be some distaste.
I was more annoyed by the author’s tendency to jump from character to character, especially when most of those characters don’t get more than a chapter to themselves. I think the story would have been much, much better served if the author had stuck strictly to Twilight, Night Walker and Rarity. The others were largely needless in terms of perspective. I would also argue that we never should have seen things from Night Walker’s perspective, as it only served to make the ending that much worse in its unexpectedness.
Now, overall? I liked the story. The writing, not so much. The ending was crap and the presentation shoddy at best, but the tale in general has been worth my time. I aim to read some more material from this ‘verse, just to see where things go.
Bookshelf: Worth It (barely)
Liked these reviews? Check out some others:
Paul's Thursday Reviews LVII
Paul's Thursday Reviews LVIII
Paul's Fashionably Late Reviews
Paul's Thursday Reviews LIX
Paul's Thursday Reviews LX
Paul's Thursday Reviews LXI
Paul's Thursday Reviews LXII
aul's Thursday Reviews LXIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews LXIV
Paul's Thursday Reviews LXV
Want me to review your story? Send me a request! Check my profile page for rules.
If ocalhoun needs to craft a different ending, maybe he should just post another of his invitations for authors to write them. :V
I tried looking through all the stories I've reviewed for any good ones featuring Mayor Mare, but unfortunately, I don't have any to recommend for you. I've only written about her once, but it's a nice, if kind of low-stakes character piece. It's done well with the reviewing crowd, and oddly enough, it's the one story of mine other than "Ambergris" that Cold in Gardez put in his favorites. "The Poetry of Politics," if you're interested.
4442121
Actually, I took a look and found at least three stories that were written as sequels for TUSONR written for that contest. I... am not inclined to read any of them.
Also actually, I already have The Poetry of Politics in my RiL. So yeah, I'll get there.
4442121
My favorite:
Mayor stories are from Cloud Wander--"Today I WIll be a Princess" and its probably never-to-be-finished sequel "Shadow Day." The title of your story, Pascoite, reminds me that the only time I've ever written about the mayor is a poem I did from her point of view called "A Civil Service." What is it about her and poetry?
Mike
4442135 For me, the cutie mark just seems to fit poetry. How fancy the scroll is suggests documents of importance, which could equally be public records or works of art.