The Party Decides [Comedy] [Original Fiction] [Real Person Fic] · 3:00am Jul 21st, 2016
A few months, I submitted a story called The Party Decides to the Writeoff, about
the Republican Establishment joining together Voltron-style to take on Donald Trump. I figured, on the eve of the final day of the Republican National Convention, it is time to show it to you folks before it goes stale. It has been lightly edited from its original form.
I hope you find it amusing.
The Party Decides
by Titanium Dragon“I’m not too proud to be a leg,” Marco Rubio said as he adjusted his bandolier of water bottles. “My father was a bartender. And then he became a bus boy.”
“We know, Marco,” Chris Christie grumbled. “Spare us the 25 second speech and help me get this harness on. We need to help John.”
“And let’s dispel with the notion that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing!”
“Ugh, he’s malfunctioning again.” Lindsey Graham sighed from his place strapped onto John Kasich’s left arm. “Jeb, can you reach him to push the reset button?”
“None of this would have happened if my brother was here,” Jeb said, shaking his head as he bent down from his place on Kasich’s right arm to prod at the side of the junior senator’s neck. “I think I got it. You okay there, Marco?”
“I never supported immigration reform!”
“I think that means he’s good.”
John Kasich nodded his head. “America needs us to get out there. To make a better future for America. We can’t just tax, spend, and duck. We’re going to need to bob and weave as well.” He grunted slightly as Charles Koch finished binding his leg to Chris Christie’s great girth. “I’m grateful to have the granite state as one leg, and the finest machine in America for the other.”
“Just make sure he keeps drinking his water,” Charles Koch said as he patted Rubio on the head. “He has a tendency to overheat.”
“Right.” John Kasich nodded his head. “It is time to take back America. Not just from Hillary Clinton, but from bullies like Donald Trump as well. Onward, to a brighter tomorrow!” John Kasich smiled as he lifted his right arm, pointing Jeb Bush towards the stage. “Onwards! To victory in Ohio, Florida, and beyond!”
“I still can’t believe I lost Florida,” Rubio muttered as he stepped out into the blinding light of the convention hall. The stage creaked loudly with every step he and Chris Christie took beneath the weight of the Establishment, but the powerful bonds of party unity provided by the Koch brothers held, the fluorescent lights gleaming off their armor of ten thousand American flag lapel pins.
Trump glanced over at the creaking mass of flesh. “Oh, hey. I didn’t realize you folks were coming. Melania was just finishing up her speech. She’s just the best. She wrote it herself. Only a bit of help.”
Melania stared at the teleprompter from her place at the podium. “He will lower the deficit, not raise it. He will create good jobs, not lose them. And he will solve a health care crisis for our people, not ignore it.”
“Just the best speechwriters,” Trump said, nodding his head.
“Well, it was a big hit at the DNC in 2004.” Christie smirked from his position beneath Kasich’s right leg.
Trump whirled on them. “Are you saying my wife stole her speech?”
“Just like you tried to steal the heart of the Republican Party!” Graham declared, his shoulders squared as he strained beneath the weight of the Establishment.
Kasich nodded his head. “We haven’t come to endorse you. We’ve come to stop you!”
Trump scoffed as the Establishment shuffled towards him. “That’s really cute. Like a Saturday morning cartoon.” He glanced back towards his wife. “Melania, honey, I need to work right now.”
Melania Trump pursed her lips. “I didn’t want to give another speech anyway,” she growled before storming off the stage.
“Good girl.” Trump turned back towards the establishment, lifting one hand to turn on the microphone on his suit. “Now, what’s this about stopping me? You can’t stop me. I’ve already won.” Trump waved his small hand out toward the audience. “They love me. The Party loves me. Even Paul Ryan endorsed me.”
“He set you up. You don’t have a chance in November.” Kasich said, pointing at him with Lindsey Graham.
Donald Trump shook his head. “I was so nice to you. I offered you money. Power. Control over foreign and domestic policy. All you had to do was let me make America great again.”
“You didn’t offer me any of that!” Chris Christie huffed, sweat pouring down his face.
“That’s because I didn’t need a bridge closed. If I do, I’ll call you.”
“Sit down and shut up!” Christie smacked his fist into the palm of his hand.
Trump smirked. “Cry me a river, why don’t ya. You know, I was going to let you speak, but I guess that’s off the table. Maybe you can get a job helping build my wall with Obama. I bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
“Enough! It’s time we all come together to hold you accountable.” Kasich gesticulated wildly with Lindsey Graham and Jeb.
“To stop ISIL!” shouted Graham.
“And to stop you from saying bad things about my brother!” cried Jeb.
“Hah. I’m surprised you even had the energy to link up with them, Jeb.” Trump sneered. “But you know what? I think it’s time for the Establishment to start being fair to me. I don’t see you going after Ted Cruz like this.”
“Oh, he can’t get more than 20% nationally,” Kasich said, before his eyes hardened. “But it is time for you to start being a compassionate human being. By force, if necessary.”
“Hah! You mean being weak, like you. Look at me.” He touched his chest with his hands. “The media can’t touch me. You can’t touch me. Heck, I could shoot all of you on stage, right now, and my ratings would go up. You can’t stump the Trump! It’s time for me to go Maverick on you Establishment politicians.” Donald Trump grinned, his teeth gleaming in the yellow light as he reached into his suit pocket. “It’s time to make America great again!”
“You bet’cha I’ll serve!” shouted Sarah Palin as she emerged from Trump’s suit, clinging to his arm with her legs as she brought her rifle to bear. “You can keep your politics, and I’ll keep my guns!”
Lindsey Graham waved his arm. “You’ve got to deflect!”
“Sorry, Jeb,” Kasich said as he ducked behind the Bush, shots ringing wildly across the stage.
Graham glared at Christie. “You said we’d have backup!”
Christie shrugged. “Well, I talked to the boys from Atlantic City, but they said it wasn’t good business doing a hit on one of the Family.”
“That doesn’t matter!” Kasich winced as a bullet whizzed by his ear. “We’ve got to counterattack! Jeb’s already low on energy!”
“I get to respond, right?” Rubio asked, before he upended his water bottle into his mouth and chugged. Taking a deep breath, he flicked it up between his knuckles before flinging the empty bottle at Palin, striking her right between the eyes.
“That wasn’t very nice, don’tcha know?” Palin said as she began reloading.
“A filled one!” Christie snapped.
“But Charles said—”
Christie didn’t wait for Rubio to finish, yanking the bandolier of bottles off of the junior senator and hurling them across the stage, sweeping Trump’s legs out from under him. “See what a governor can do?”
Trump grunted heavily as he hit the stage. Using Palin to prop himself up, he reached into is jacket and pulled out his phone, punching at the surface with his short fingers. “Hillary? Yeah, it’s Trump. Look, I need you to come pretend to be my friend. Ten million? Okay.”
“Hah! I knew he was secretly a Democrat!” Jeb said, before going limp.
“We need to stop him before she gets here!” shouted Jim Gilmore.
Kasich blinked. “Governor Gilmore? Wait, when did you get here?”
“I’ve always been here. You just didn’t notice me.”
Kasich shook his head. “But Jeb’s already out and Marco is overheating. We still need one more member of the Establishment!”
“I’ll do it!” John McCain said as he leapt out of the audience into Gilmore and Graham’s waiting arms. “Country first!”
“Alright. Jim, Graham?” Kasich strained, lifting his one good arm.
The stage creaked, the platform cracking under Chris Christie’s boots as it strained under the enormous weight of the Republican Party as they lifted their comrade en masse, then drew back their arms to throw him.
McCain glowed as he hurtled through the air towards the prone billionaire. “What do you think about me being a war hero now, you son of a bitch?”
An eagle cried as the world turned red, white, and blue.
oh god
...I don't even.
The best part of this fic is how I'm reasonably certain you devoted exactly one word to Gilmore per actual person who voted for him in the caucuses and primaries.
Come to think of it, I think you did the same thing for George Pataki...
4104020
Poor Jim Gilmore.
One of the few politicians who can boast getting his name into a national poll and getting 0 people to say they're going to vote for him for president.
And that ladies and gentlemen, is how we decide who runs our country. Via death match.
I laughed.
I cried.
I felt patriotism.
5/7 would shitfic again
...that was the worst thing I've ever read.
Well done. I salute you.
Speaking as a Republican, this is pretty good.
This is TOTALLY dumb as hell, but it's dumb in the very best way.
Edit:
a52.imgup.net/screenshot1790.png
...oh god what did you do to me. What did I do to me
Good thing that writeoff happened when it did. If you'd included this edit in that, I don't know if it would still have counted as original fiction as opposed to "pony". Then again, if "Quiet Boy" (wonderful as it was) did...
Also, you can tell it's fiction by the way they overcame the prisoner's dilemma aspect of the primary.
Has me thinking to a warped version of the "I come to bury Caesar" speech from Julius Caesar.
Okay, at this point I'm not sure "lightly" is entirely accurate.
And if you're adding convention bits, why is Palin still with him? Then again, still a more realistic plot line than the Republican primary election this year. 
No working in "platform," even just as an out of context pun?
4104034
Oh god, that's perfect. Fixed.
This is the greatest story in the history of mankind.
It went from believable to fantastical at the halfway point.
You know it's fiction because the republicans are trying to help America.
Politics are like pro wrestling. It's why we had Jessie Ventura as a governor for so long.
why teed
Oh, TD.
And then Reality Check returned to FIMFic.
4104882
Then everyone would complain I mistagged it.
4104422
I had to.
This is a thing of beauty.
This is the best thing I've ever read
It's hard for me to say how much of this is parody, and how much is real. Maybe that's because I get all my news from parodies on fimfiction.
4114077
That's probably for the best.
Marco Rubio being a robot is totally canon, though.