Story Reviews » Reviews! Round 53 · 11:42pm Sep 29th, 2014
Seattle's Angels is a group that promotes good stories with low views. You can find us here.
“Hey, Plum,” said alex from atop his life-size Trixie plushie.
Plum was too busy spreading Marmite on his crumpets while drinking tea to look up and notice that alex was wearing a “20% Trixier” shirt, so he simply responded, “What’s up?”
“We’re up for reviews next, right?”
“Sure.”
“Well, I’ve got an idea,” said alex, putting his elbows into Trixie’s face as he leaned forward. “You know how we were both judges for the Outside Insight contest on Equestria Daily?”
Plum shoved a spoonful of spotted dick into his mouth while reaching for the figgy pudding to his left. When he finished chewing, he said, “Yeah, what about it?” He paused, spotted dick hanging from his mouth. “Wait, are you about to suggest what I think you’re going to suggest?”
A big stupid grin came over alex’s face as he slid further down Trixie’s face until he was almost hanging off her snout. “What if we just do a round composed entirely fics from that contest?”
His monocle popping off and landing in his bangers and mash, Plum suddenly stood up. “By god, man! That’s brilliant! It will require minimum effort from us, and we’ve already read most of the stories anyway. Let’s do it!”
“Excellent,” said alex, rubbing his hands together evilly.
ROUND 53
Cranky had a plan to make Matilda's Hearts and Hooves Day the best day of her life. Instead, he's in jail for (allegedly) running over Pinkie Pie with his cart.
HOW CAN I BE FOLLOWING YOU WHEN I’M CLEARLY HEADING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION, YOU SILLY FILLY ASS DONKEY
You know, one thing I wasn’t expecting when this contest was first announced was a multitude of donkey fics, because seriously, who the hell writes about donkeys? I mean, what kind of backwards ass spends their time writing about a clearly inferior race? Some people, man, I tell you. Anyway, while I wasn’t expecting any donkey fics, and certainly not any good ones, I was pleasantly surprised by this little ditty by Einhander. It’s got pretty much everything I like in my comedy fics. Mean, stupid characters whose plans fall apart immediately after being set in motion. To quote a certain steroid-popping linebacker/soldier: “This my kinda shit.”
BRING IT ON, SUCKA
So, what we’ve got here is a relatively simple, if odd, story, wherein Cranky accidentally runs over Pinkie Pie with his cart while doing some Hearts and Hooves Day shopping for the missus. We see him sitting in jail at the very beginning of the fic, so you kinda already know where it’s going, but goddammit if the journey there isn’t like the Br’er Rabbit ride at Disneyworld. The story is told from Cranky’s perspective, and with him narrating the whole thing, so he’s particular brand of anger and, well, crankiness severs the story well. To go back to my previous metaphor, we constantly see the story building up to this point where we know what’s going to happen, but the anticipation is what makes it exciting. Hell, you could even draw parallels to the little characters you see doing fun stuff on the side as your log cart steadily rises higher. In this fic, we keep seeing Cranky getting more and more angry at all the stuff happening around him, and it makes the fic immensely enjoyable.
For as humorous and witty as it is, however, I do have one major complaint. Einhander, buddy, this is for you, okay? If you’re reading this, then please, if not for me, then for your readers, get an editor. There are so many silly and easily fixable mistakes in this thing, but even that doesn’t stop me from enjoying it, though it did make me want to reach through my screen and strangle Einhander while explaining that, no, in fact, hyphens are not the same as dashes, and you can’t use them interchangeably.
Anyway, if you were ever looking for a very funny story about my favorite kind of humor, angry humor that is, and about everyone’s favorite ass, well look no further, gumdrops. Einhander’s story is for you, and also for you, and probably for you too way in the back. Yes, you, the one with the “20% Cooler” shirt. This story is for you. Go read it.
Alright, before I review this thing, I wanna get this out of the way:
Cranky Doodle Donkey is my honest-to-god spirit animal.
This is my life
Okay, now onto Archonix’s late… wait. This isn’t an Archonix story? Someone else on fimfic wrote a story about donkeys?!
I may need a minute here…
Okay, no, now to actually review this thing. Einhander, despite not being the site’s #1 donkle aficionado, has written a very, very nice little tale of how Cranky attempted manslaughter survived Hearts and Hooves day.
What’s the pony word for manslaughter, anyway? Ponyslaughter just sounds like someone forgot a space after the “s”
What we have here is a genuinely enjoyable cutesy comedy fic, and I’m not often one for the sugary-sweet stuff. And it gets very sweet, at times. Be sure to have some Insulin on-hand for the ending. What makes this one special, however, is not how cute it is, but the characters themselves. Cranky is, well, cranky. Matilda is patiently caring, Dash is dash-y(?) and Pinkie Pie is as annoyingly bright as only Pinkie can be. It’s some pretty stellar work, despite the occasionally shoddy grammar. And yes, the syntax does need a touch-up.
Clocking in at roughly 8k words, this story’s not exactly Ulysses, but it really doesn’t have to be. The short length aids the style, honestly. It says what needs to be said, gets done what needs to be done, then leaves you to try and salvage your teeth from all the sugar. Any longer and you might develop a cavity.
Fans of quality characterisation, sickly-sweet moments and a hint of schadenfreude will enjoy this one. Like the episode that inspired it, really.
Deep below the Frozen North, there exists a sleeping dragon, born of ice and moulded by harsh winters. She put herself there by her own accord, determined to forsake contact with the outside world. But when an intrepid young pegasus discovers her and tries to break out of her shell, she is forced to settle for a conversation. One thing is for sure, she isn't about to lose to a pony in a game of words.
One of the most unpredictable things in life is the chance of meeting someone for the first time.
You know what, I love dragons, and I don’t care how cliche it is to think they’re the coolest mythical beasts. There’s so much potential for worldbuilding involved with them that I can’t help but squeal like a little school girl every time a fic with dragons in it catches my eye. I mean, everything they do is just so damn cool. So, you can imagine my joy at seeing this fic in the contest. I was a little worried about the length, but heck if I wasn’t walking away feeling satisfied when it was all over.
Pictured: an accurate representation of me finding a dragon fic.
Stage of Discovery has a kind of old school feel to it, with really lengthy descriptions and huge walls of text for the dialogue, and this might be annoying to some people, but I felt it worked. This is a story that revels in its worldbuilding, and it does a damn good job of telling its story at the same time. Both Concordia and Minerva have really strong characters that come through more and more as the story progresses. Minerva, in particular, really grows on you as the story goes, despite how annoying she is when it starts, kinda like how she grows on Concordia. IT’S ALMOST LIKE I’M DRAWING PARALLELS BETWEEN THE EXPERIENCE OF THE READER AND CONCORDIA.
But anyway, kind of like some of the other stories here, I don’t want to get into the plot too much for fear of spoiling things, not that there’s much to spoil here, but it’s enough that I feel it deserves to be read. The ending, too, is incredibly sweet, and it put a big stupid grin on my face, so take that for what you will. Be warned though, this story is a bit on the long side, and it gets really close to wearing out its welcome near the end, but it saves itself with a really sweet ending. Just know that this isn’t something you’ll be able to sit down and read in five minutes.
Stage of Discovery is a story that takes the Outside Insight prompt and embraces it wholly. It’s all about the main character’s opinion/interactions with ponies, both past and present. And seeing as the protagonist’s a dragon, those interactions aren’t exactly standard fare. Especially considering how long-lived they tend to be, in most fictions.
What this story does well is explore characterisation. And not so much of the characters themselves (although that’s not to say they’re bad). It’s more to do with ponies. All of them. The entire species. It’s really rather remarkable.
As with all of the stories this time round, I’m not going to delve into the story itself with any real depth. But I am going to mention that I really like how Miller Minus designed Dragons. Because, let’s face it, 9/10 stories that feature the beasts have them as just that. Beasts. Often very well mannered beasts, true, but with little more depth to them than “Trreeeaaaasssuuurrrreeee. Also, firebreath.”
I’m just going to leave this here, and let you to draw your own conclusions
It’s refreshing to see an actual character underneath the scales, and it’s a decent one at that. Concordia, as someone who has had a lot of exposure to the the technicolour equines over her existence, has chosen to live in self-imposed exile rather than deal with the Pinkie Pies of the world. Kinda understandable, really.
Some poor souls are less fortunate.
So yes. Good characters, good not-quite-racism, touching ending. If you’re after an epic pony-dragon deathmatch, you won’t find it here. But if you’re okay with a bit of a wordy look at the ponyworld, give this one a shot.
Ponies hold nearly total sway over the world, from the sky to the earth and even beyond. Many of the races resent this, and scheme to claim a portion of that control for themselves. Some have even come close to toppling the ponies from their position of power.
This is not the story of one of those races.
Sure, maybe there was a bigger world out there, but there was something to be said for sticking with what they had.
While the Outside Insight contest was more about ponies from a non pony's perspective, it feels as though Let Them Eat Grass is more about sheep than it is ponies, and I'm completely okay with that. At the risk of making an incredibly awful joke, you could almost say this story is more about... inside outsight. *Cue canned laughter, then subsequent booing*
All right, all right, calm down. Let me explain myself more fully.
You try coming up with jokes all the time. It ain’t easy!
Okay, so what we have here is a story about a innocuous sheep asking an innocuous question. Collin, the curious sheep in question, asks why it is that ponies are allowed to roam free, and why sheep, like himself, must live behind a fence, forever confined to a specific patch of earth. See what I'm getting at yet? Collin is inside the fence looking outside at the world. This sort of thing is an incredibly clever twist on the prompt, and something I very much enjoyed. It's rather short, however, and I would've perhaps liked to see this expanded upon a bit more since it's a genuinely interesting idea, but it's certainly good for what it is, which is why it's here.
Oh yeah, and we get to see Applejack's parents, and who doesn't want that? Speaking of that, actually, I wish they'd had more screen time. Hell, I wish everyone had more screen time. Dang it, Cloud. Go edit this fic and make it longer so I can love it more.
An analogy about birds in gilded cages comes to mind. Actually, the first thing that came to my mind was a Gary Larson comic featuring a budgie that won the lottery, but the analogy was a close second.
I’ve got to admit, I think this is the first story I’ve ever read about sheep. Not just on fimfic, but ever. Is that a milestone? I’m honestly not sure. Meh.
So yes, Let Them Eat Grass is about a sheep called Collin (WHY IS COLLIN SUCH A GOOD NAME FOR A SHEEP) questioning why his people live behind fences, while the ponies get to be free. The response is both truly disturbing, and disturbingly true. And kinda… funny?
I, uh, don’t know whether this story is a cute comedy about silly ‘ole sheepsies, or an intensely dark metaphor for slavery. I geniune have no idea. It’s possibly both? Maybe? I’m honestly at a loss, here. What I can tell you is that it is absolutely worth reading so you can make up your own minds.
This is actually an incredibly complex representation of the Underground Railroad
One other thing I feel conflicted about is the length, as LTEG barely passes the fifteen hundred word mark. On the one hand, I think that where it ends is a pretty decent place to stop, and works with the comedic timing. On the other, this sorta thing just cries out for more exploration.
Crypsis is a changeling infiltrator on her first mission – to replace a pony in Ponyville. The hive is counting on her to finish the mission to the best of her abilities, but is she capable of it? And, more importantly, does she want to?
If you know me, then you’ll know that I really can’t stand changeling fics. Maybe it’s because most people aren’t very original and so the only changeling fics I see are “X is a changeling” or “X falls in love with a changeling” and those are extremely boring. Maybe it’s because I just see changelings and immediately think, “Oh, so they’re just 2edgy4me ponies, got it.” Shoot, maybe it’s just because I’m a hateful person who doesn’t like fun. Whatever the reason, I generally make it a point to not read changeling fics, and yes, I know there are good ones out there. However, this contest forced me to read several. Some I liked, and some I didn’t, but this one? This one I loved.
The list of things I like is very short… however, it does include Sakura Trick.
It’s difficult to talk about the plot of Veni, Vidi, Verti without spoiling its most interesting moments, so I won’t do that other than to give a basic idea of the story. Crypsis—which, yes, is kind of a dumb name, but the character is really strong—is sent to Ponyville in order to complete her mission: copying Rainbow Dash. Now, this sounds like the setup for a very cut and dry story about a changeling discovering that they actually like ponies and want to live with them or whatever, but VVV is not that at all. It did something I wish more ponyfics had the ability to do. It surprised me. The plot twists and the things that happen near the end? I didn’t see any of it coming.
But, Alex, I hear you saying, you’re just a dumb idiot who is oblivious hints and foreshadowing. Well, that may be, but for what it’s worth I very much enjoyed this story in a way I was not expecting at all. It’s not tagged tragedy, and for good reason, but it’s so very close to being one that I want to commend it for that alone. It’s not often I see ponyfics manage “tragedy” properly, since everyone seems to think tragedy is just making your fic really really sad. Anyway, I’ve talked enough about this, so let’s wrap this up. The one thing you should know about VVV is that the characterization of the two changelings is really strong, and the worldbuilding is above excellent.
Now, when I saw the prompt for Outside Insight, I did cringe slightly. As many of you know, I’ve been an admin for the World-Building Alliance practically since its inception. A regular feature of that group were writing competitions, focussing on non-pony races. And an awful lot of those stories were great, they really were.
Some, however, weren’t. And a disproportionately large number of them (at least in my experience) were changeling stories. Perhaps it’s because the majority of them are about how Chrysalis was a good person after all, you guys, or This Character you know is secretly a giant bug! affairs without much innovation. Or maybe it’s particularly difficult to build a consistent character for one who sheds them so easily? Whatever the reason, the I found myself dreading what I considered to be the inevitable swarm (dohoho) of Chrysalis redemption stories.
Honest to God, this was the most recent image under the “changeling” tag when I was writing this review. It couldn’t have been more perfect.
Thankfully, I was pleasantly surprised. Both by the relative abundance of non-changeling stories, and by the quality of the ones that did turn up. Veni, Vidi, Verti is one such surprise.
I’m not going to talk about the story beyond the framework, because if I did I fear I’d spoil it. Suffice to say, it’s very well done, with an ending that fit perfectly, and pleased me greatly.
Characterisation was pretty top-notch, as well. Crypsis, the star of the show, was very strong, and all of the characters that turned up appeared to be as they should. In fact, I’d daresay Rainbow Dash was one of the stronger versions I’ve read in a long time.
One more thing I’ll mention being rather good was, say it with me, the world-building! Unlike many stories, however, what’s there is relatively minimalistic, and often told through dialogue. It’s pretty great, honestly.
Pic unrelated. I just wanted to post this.
“Well, I thought that went pretty well,” said alex, clambering back atop Trixie’s back.
“We were still a day late, but yeah, it wasn’t bad,” Plum said with a shrug. Picking up a scone from a nearby plate, Plum snapped it in two and ate one half. “So, got any ideas for the outro?”
Smirking foolishly, alex said, “Just one.”
Plum’s eyes narrowed into thin tea bags. “I swear, alex. If you—”
Plum shook his head. “You are literally the worst.”
“I know.”
Feel free to visit our group for more information and events, and to offer some recommendations for future rounds. See you all next time!
>mfw I realise what alex wrote for the intro/outro
i.imgur.com/VF29X29.gif
B-but! I spent a couple hours helping out with Ein's edits..
It's always the dashes!
I'm sorry, bro, I tried
Because
sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/colin-the-sheep-is-watching-you.png
and
scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/557676_422260001167287_1525644979_n.jpg?oh=d8edccabc38d89f96577eb9676229d63&oe=54D03CB4
and
Colin the Sheep is innocent of all blame
>outro
derpicdn.net/img/2013/10/16/449789/medium.jpg
To be honest, I was expecting you to reuse the image of Cranky Doodle Donkey with a party hat as part of some running gag, but this actually seems... Actually no, that's not the least bit fitting either. In fact, what you have is an oversimplified, excessively sugar-coated representation of the Underground Railroad. But it's Fluttershy, so I forgive you completely.
By that count, the last two rounds were both a week late, so I'd say this is progress.
2494962
I have a sneaking suspicion as to why...
2494962
Ya don't say?
Sooooo
Marmite?
2495250
Fantastic on toast.
2495266 as they say,
You love it or you hate it
seal.uk.com/sites/default/files/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/marmite1.jpg
It's better when you have something to wash it down
I prefer jaffas
2494747
Colin is best
ponysheep.Down with the false god Marmite, All hail the one true god, Vegemite!
That picture of Cranky as Walter. I am in stitches.
While this in no way discounts the hard work Dash put in or how I'm an editor's nightmare because I constantly fiddle with things and don't get them re-checked, I would like to point out that I did spell 'doodle' and 'donkey' correctly in my title. Slander, sir. Your link is slander. But thanks for the review!
2495879
alex needs to pay up.
Holy cow Hakase
2495977
I know I won, but what, exactly, did I win?
2496037
Everything alex owns.
Which means nearly every bit of Trixie merchandise in existence.
for the next one you should time travel to the past, where fics were good, and cavemen rode on dinosaurs while hunting robots with laser rifles.
Woah, I was wondering where my sudden burst of views came from! You guys are too kind! I'm so glad you enjoyed the story. And thanks for the reviews! It was my first time so I'm just... blown away
Quick question to the experienced fic writers out there: Does the smile from such a positive review ever go away?
Around the time you start working on your next fic...
Congrats, by the way!
That "Cole Train" picture is now the home screen on my iPad.
#GearsOfAwesome