Deep below the Frozen North there exists a sleeping dragon born of ice and moulded by harsh winters. She put herself there by her own accord, determined to forsake contact with the outside world. But when an intrepid young pegasus discovers her and tries to break out of her shell, she is forced to settle for a conversation. One thing is for sure, she isn't about to lose to a pony in a game of words.
Join the cynical old dragon and the foolish young pegasus as they attempt to solve their intrinsic mystery.
Written for the Equestria Daily Oustide Insight contest.
Chapters (1)
This is an excellent story. To be honest, this style of narration isn't exactly my favorite (at least not at such length), but there are plenty of elements in the story that offset that. I especially love the sort of "gradual revelation" of all the background details we get, akin to how the pieces of a puzzle slowly fall into place. The conclusion, in particular, both caught me off guard and was welcomed for not (completely) following the "conventional" path these stories tend to follow.
One shortcoming I suppose deserves pointing out is the length. Not just the story as a whole (I don't mind a long-runner, so to speak), but the dialogues, for example, often stray dangerously close to "wall-of-text" territory and feel a bit unnatural, or even out of place. I understand the need to explore every idea in depth, but I think the same level of immersion would have been possible using maybe half as much text each time, which prevents you from breaking the flow, not to mention the tone. For example, no matter how desperately Concordia tries to tell me (in her thoughts) that she just wants Minerva to get lost, their conversation certainly doesn't reflect that if she keeps going into lengthy speeches even before their little game has begun. In a natural conversation, a person's speech reflects what is going on inside them, both emotionally and cognitively. Minerva's lines are a bit better in that sense, but even she sometimes talks a little too much.
Other than that, however, this was a sublime read. Well done, good sir. It is an honor to have such competition...
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Hey, thanks for reading my story and for the insightful comment! I'll be the first to admit that I can be very long winded at times, and that was my first worry when submitting this story; that no-one would read it due to its length. I got pretty caught up in the theme that I just couldn't stop writing at times, and I guess that tended to hinder the narration a bit. Something to look into for sure. I'm glad you enjoyed it, though!
And you're in on this competition thing too, yeah? I'll make sure to bookmark your story and give it a read sometime soon. (Truthfully, I wanted to read them all before winners are announced, but now there's like a hundred.)
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Well... I guess it did not work out for us after all...
I'd rather not type out my opinion of the result right now... and what I base it on is not entirely selfish...
Okay I like Minerva. She's chipper. (Also "Everypony is somepony?" Seriously who is she based off? Pollyanna? Personally I felt that it could have been split into chapters to make it seem less daunting a read. Also, it seems more about the relation between two individuals rather than a viewpoint about ponies (but hey, I didn't get draft-picked either, so take that as you will) However, for content I will give an 8 out of 10. Have a nice day, a favorite, and an upvote on me!
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Hey thanks for the comment, glad you enjoyed it. Yeah it seems I was confused about how they would judge, because I kind of forgot the prompt a few thousand words in and started focusing on the characters. I'll go for shorter and sweeter next time.
Also I had to Google Polyanna, so I've never heard of her before. But yes she sounds like her, maybe Ponyanna would have been a better name.
4915618 I doubt anyone would have gotten it. Most people don't get the classic references these days. (As far as Pollyanna is concerned, my excuse I have 2 older sisters that were mean spirited at times.)
Well I for one enjoyed it.
Very well done - a dragon who is actually a well rounded character instead of just a caricature!
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Cheers, guys!
First: it's a relief to see someone else wrote about a dragon for the Outside Insight contest, and offered an entry that's better by miles! (Honestly, one of the main characters is a very unique dragon, yet bronies are more interested in zebras and gryphons...*sigh*)
Second: speaking of gryphons, the opening paragraph brought to mind Chris Griffon's rant from the Family Guy/Simpsons crossover I just watched.
Third, and finally relevant: the opening paragraph was also wonderful, providing a vaguely philosophic context to set the stage for the meeting to come. Your prose is lengthy, but it's so rich with sophisticated atmosphere and easily-flowing detail that your words lend themselves a flavor akin to early 20th century writing, which makes the length feel very appropriate in my opinion. This is the kind of prose one doesn't read, so much as devour.
It was fairly interesting watching Concordia learn about herself from every criticism she won against Minerva. The dragon, of course, controls the ebb and flow of everything happening in that cave, yet they are both learning.
For such a turning-point bit of humor (the first thing that makes Concordia smile), Minerva's joke is pretty contrived. "One of the top ponies in my class" would have allowed her to stumble over her claim rather than flat-out lie. That one thing, I believe, is worth fixing.
I am very glad I was pointed the way of this story. For a first outing, this is absolutely stunning.
I read your story today and love all of it
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But yaeh it did sem that the dialogues where A little like wall text at times in the story.
I also love how you detail the dragon Concordia
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, I'm glad you liked it.
Thanks so much for your kind words
I'm really glad you enjoyed the opening especially, since I've seen one other review say it was a complete turn-off. It's so interesting to see how two opinions on the same niche website can be so adversely polarized.
And I remember being on the fence about that joke. It was supposed to seem like Minerva wasn't expecting to be asked about it after she lied, but I understand where you're coming from. I'm actually writing a comedy right now, so I'll make sure put a lot of thought into each joke.
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Thank you very much
Writing - 4 / 5 (above average)
Plot - 4 / 5 (above average)
Very enjoyable.
6083274 Cheers!
Good stuff. Well thought out philosophical differences between dragons and ponies. I'll remember this when I think about dragon relations with lesser races.
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It is so cool to know that people still read this. Thanks for stopping by
Typo?
... she really can't read a room, can she?
Moving the goalposts, are we?
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves.
This was a nice story. Worth an upvote, definitely.