Worst days of my life... Just ended. · 2:48am Jun 7th, 2013
See, that title says a lot but I think I need to elaborate just how true they actually are.
So here goes.
My mom died. I got the call while I was coming back from seeing a movie with friends in an attempt to get myself out of the funk I'd been in.
I got to humiliate myself in the backseat of my roommate's truck by screaming and crying on the way home. I mean that, too. Screaming. And crying.
Christ almighty, I don't think I'd ever cried so hard. It was terrible. Those anguished cries of 'No' really do exist. They're not trite, cliche, or overdone. It comes from an honest desire... an honest pain that does not want whatever your torment is to be real. My roomies were cool about it. Each one gave me the space I needed and were there for me when I was ready to share it with others. Which I desperately needed. Thanks go out to them.
Oh, and not to brag about the awfulness of my situation, but that was just the beginning.
Then came the funeral. All these people I'd never met telling me how they knew my mother and how sorry they were for me. Which was nice and all, but... I didn't want to interact with anyone that I wasn't particularly close with to begin with. My grandmother, grandfather, my sister, and my two uncles were there for me and they really helped. They even let me stand away from the coffin so that I wouldn't have to deal with everyone. And my Dad (him and mom had been apart for nearly ten years) even bought an overnight ticket (at such cost) to be there for me and my sister...
The most difficult part of that, though, was not being able to recognize my mother in the coffin. She looked nothing like she had in life. C'est la vie.
Anyway, my roomie/landlord was a college roomie of my Dad's, so him, my sister, and my Dad all decided to go have as relaxed of a day as we could possibly manage. It helped. It helped a lot.
I started to pull myself out of the state I'd been in. Enough that I was ready to make the long trip back to Florida. And I did. Which was boring, but otherwise uneventful.
Due to circumstances, I'm set up to get a better job than I'd ever had with my Dad's help and maybe get myself into a situation where I can take care of myself. Awesome, right? I mean, things are looking up...
But that was a false-light and things took a turn for the worse.
See, my mother and father didn't have the best of breaks when they split up. And... Well, things were just rough. Anyway, to clue you in, Dad had a life insurance policy on himself and my mother. And he'd been the only one to ever make a payment into it. No one else. Just him.
Well, for those of you that don't know, my father has prostate cancer. And he has just changed jobs for the better. Two years in the car sales industry and he's already a sales manager. That's huge, just to iterate the significance. But anyway, because he has just changed jobs, he's got no health insurance for the next three months.
Well, he figured it would be okay since mom was passing and he was about to have some spare funds from the health insurance. Now, don't get me wrong, he was going to take care of me and my sister as well, but American healthcare is so unbelievably jacked up, he was going to have to set at least half of it to the side for his healthcare until the next fiscal quarter.
And then we learn... Mom had changed the beneficiaries.
To me, my sister, my grandmother, and my grandfather.
... And he was left with nothing after having paid on the policy for over twenty-three years.
Now, see, you have to understand my father to understand why he did what he did. But the fact is, he lost his cool for the next several days. See, he wasn't so much angry as he was hurt and afraid. He knew me and my sister had just lost our mother and the last thing he wanted was for us to go through that again. He was terrified that his children were going to go through more pain after we had just suffered an already incredibly tormenting ordeal. But he's too proud to show fear.
So he showed anger, instead.
A lot of it. And that's all I'll say.
I bore the brunt of it because I didn't want him taking it out on my step-mom or my step-sister and her daughters. I may not have had worse in my life, but I know how much I can take. Because it's a lot. It always has been. Which sounds like a brag, but to be honest, I've had to go through a lot to build such a tolerance.
Nonetheless... It was painful. This last week was probably the worst week of my life. Which is all that really needs to be said on the matter.
Well, things were hard, but I tried my damnedest to make everyone happy. I bent over backwards, made deals with my sister and grandparents... We were going to get him the money he needed for his cancer treatments. We'd give it all up if he needed it. But that wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want money. He wanted to be independent. He... loathed the idea that he needed to ask for help because he'd always been the one to take care of his own needs since ten years old. And as embellished as that sounds, nothing could be more true. Dad's been a fighter ever since his wee years.
Nonetheless, he wanted to call up my grandparents in his pain-filled rage and tell them that their deceased daughter was an awful person that stole all of that life-saving money from him. Which wasn't the truth entirely. See, Mom knew Dad had just acquired a 120k a year job and figured he was set for life. She just wanted her debts to not fall on her parents and children, so that's why she changed the beneficiaries. She wanted us to be safe and have a cushion to fall back on.
I stopped him. I held him back from doing what he would regret for the rest of his life. And it brought all that ire down on me, which I was okay with. Like I said, I could handle it.
Well, after days of hurtful remarks and sleepless nights, my help being endlessly rejected...
I looked at him with tears streaming down my face and yelled, "I don't know what to do!"
Ehhh... It's hard keeping this all straight, so I'll give it to you like it is. After that, there were a lot of tears. A lot of them. I told him I didn't want to do nothing as he withered away from a cancer that he didn't stand a great chance of surviving. He admitted why he was so scared of leaving us and what Mom had unknowingly done hurt more than anything. That even though she did not mean for that underhanded move to hurt him so much, it had been worse than anything anyone could have ever imagined. After all, he was already somewhat in debt and his cancer treatments were about to come up with him being empty pocketed and without insurance. Which, I forgot to mention, his case is so borderline that waiting one month, much less three, was out of the question.
After all those tears and gin and vodka (we decided we really needed to loosen up), we went to bed... And the next day, the very first moment my father saw me... He set his hand on my shoulder and he thanked me for everything I had done for him before apologizing for everything he had done to me. He told me how proud he was of me and how strong I had become. Told me that I was so amazing of a person that he was in genuine awe. That I stopped him from doing something he would never be able to forgive himself for and no one else could have made him see past his arrogance the way I had.
And just like that, I felt as though... Well, maybe everything wasn't going to be okay. But I'd accomplished one of my greatest goals.
I'd wanted my father to be proud of me. And before today, I'd never believed he was. I'd never said as much, but I always had it deep inside me... Which... Well, it was the best thing that could ever happen to me.
And now, without further ado... Chapter Seven of TTEOAP is in development with over 2k words still drying off on the page. I expect it'll be ten thousand words before I'm finished, but I assure you, it will be worth the wait.
Thank you, everyone. Your words of support really did help. It may have felt trite or strange, but you all really did give me strength that I was in desperate need of.
My time is going to become valuable within the next month, but I plan to have the first revision of my book done by then along with a new chapter of TTEOAP. After which, I'll try to do a second chapter to give me some time between first and second revision of the book.
Whatever happens, I just want to say...
Thanks. :)
It feels like I'm reading an anime, in which no matter what happens to him, the hero always gets back up and pulls some more awesome out of his ass.
Glad things have worked out for you. =3
You're awesome.
Thats all I can say.
That's beautiful. You hung in there, took the slings and arrows and yet stood strong. This is the manliest, most awesome story I've read all day. Congrats man, and good luck in your endeavors.
I can never bring myself to say exactly how I feel at times like this. Basically it all boils down to...
I'm glad you're alright. Continue to stay strong.
Damn you are strong, when things can't get any worse, they can only get better.
You keep being awesome - not the "I call everything I find cool awesome" I am literally in awe of how you are able to power through your struggles and stay positive.
Glad your able to hold yourself together, I can honestly say I wouldn't be able to do the same. You just gained +10 respect mon amie. Also glad to see your still writing, honestly cant wait for the next chapter
Schwarzenegger would tremble in fear of your strength.
Glad you made it through such tough times.
Hey man, I know how difficult it can be to lose a parent...If you ever need to talk, we're all here. Granted, it took me over a year to pull myself together after my father passed away. You're a stronger person than I could hope to be +10 respect.
Sh*t.
God bless you.
How did that quote go again? The one said so many times, it's a real challenge to make it sound fresh and original? Oh yeah! "The night is darkest before the dawn."
Certainly seems like it now. Good to see you're still up and, if not running, then at least taking a leisurely stroll to the sunrise. Probably enjoy a lemonade on the way there, because it's lemonade, and everyone loves that stuff.
I'm glad to see that you've made it through the twilight and into the dawn. While I wish that I could say that the pain will go away, I can't. It'll always be there. But know that you'll always have people that are willing to lean you a shoulder, or an ear, when you need it. We've got your back, physically or otherwise.
There is something special in that moment, for a son, when you hear your dad say, "Son, I'm proud of you." I remember when my dad said it to me. It was a Wednesday, first week of university class of my freshman year and first week of my Army ROTC enlistment, and my parents came up to my university and surprised me. I was still in uniform at the time, and the first thing I did to my dad was snap a salute (He's an ex-Navy Lieutenant, and I was carrying on the unofficial family tradition of military service). He returned it, with a tear in his eye, and he said those words to me. I don't think there will ever be a time that I think of that moment and don't tear up. 2.5 years later, I received a medical dismissal due to a back injury I had sustained. I have to admit, that while I didn't show it, the dismissal really shook me up. I had always wanted to serve in the US military, and that dream was taken from me by something no one could have prevented and nothing to date can fix. My dad still reminds me of that day and says, "For even as short of time you were in, you still served. You still swore the same oath I did, and were ready to make the same sacrifice I was. You didn't fail or quit. You were injured, and while you may not be in anymore, I'm still proud of the brave man you've grown up to be."
There is no humiliation in grieving. The "No"s of anguish really are real and genuine. I know that from experience. You went through your own grief, and in addition protected your step-mom and step-sisters, and were there for your father when he needed you. Such strength...the term "Guardian angel" comes to mind.
I'm glad to hear that you were able to discover and realize that your father really is proud of you.
Good luck on your revisions of your book.
You're awesome.
You're welcome :)
Damn, man. Your strength is inspiring. You've been through hell and still stand tall. It even sounds like you and your dad may have been brought closer because of this. Maybe it true that every dark cloud has a silver lining, even if its small.
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Sorry, Cards, but it's true. X3
I hope you don't find this insensitive, but your life would make for a great TV show. People love seeing other people coping with problems and ultimately triumphing over them.
1129374
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In the good way.
I'm sorry I don't have anything meaningful to say about all this.
There's always a silver lining. You were brave to stand up for yourself and your father like that and you should be proud. It is certainly an accomplishment. I'm glad things are looking up for you.
Sounds like things are going from
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to
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And that's good! You are awesome, man.
I wish I could say something. Something that is meaningful, deep, and profound that will brighten your dark times, make you smile, and maybe even make the world a little better.
But, sorry to say...I got nothin'.
Well... There's really nothing I can say here, other than to look to the future.
I feel like a total fuckwad not being able to give you any end-all-be-all statement to fix everything here, but hey, not everyone can be a master wordsmith like you.
Anyway, I'm glad I could help for the first few chapters of your book, you'll need to send me a finished copy. Hope everything goes well with your publications, and that life starts going better for you.
Also, I have you on my home PC skype account, but not my laptop skype account... You should add me so we can continue to have banial adventures
You... you are awesome.
Too bad it took your Dad this long to understand about you the things we already inferred from your writing.
Shit. I mean I have my own situation with my family. But seeing what others will go through for theirs gives me motivation to not give up on mine. So thanks for sharing.
...
Why is it all the good authors on this site get all the life crap? Honestly, it's just sad.
Well, glad to know you're back on your feet. And don't worry about us, you can tell from the comments above (and soon to be below) that we all care. Take your time with the stories. If we're still sticking around after waiting this long, we'll keep sticking around. Till the end.
1129374
That's because I live in an anime.
Duh.
I could say something about how I feel your pain, how I know what you're going through because the same happened with my grandmother and we're still having fights in the family about her, but instead I'll just say this.
HAIL TO THE KING BABY!
wow...
My friend, your strength is to be admired. For all the torment, the pain, and the suffering you have to live through the fact you can hold your head up and stand firm speaks volumes about your character and the kind of man you are. Not many people are so brave to share their life's story with, for the most part, complete strangers myself included.
One day I hope we can sit down and have a drink together someday because you sir have my respect. Maybe when I take leave or retire from the AF. Anyway I'm glad you're powering through, never forget you've got an entire community here for you. God Bless you man.
You've done so much good for this world, you deserve so much better than this. I hope your life improves tenfold from here. ^^
Well, I don't have anything profound to say but I hope your life is looking up now.
Reading this news has been moving. I don't know what it must be like to live in a country with such uncertainty hanging over one's head. I've always had free healthcare and it has saved my life from the same illness that threatens your father. I understand how absolutely vital the next few month's treatment is going to be and I'm immensely relieved that your father is getting the help he needs.
I really look forward to another chapter of your fic. Frankly it's been inspirational to me.
Showing us this side of you simply couldn't have been easy, I for one feel humbled for such a story you shared. (And I'm rather sure I'm not the only one.)
You are a good man and you have gone through a lot, that bit at the end with your father was well deserved! I'm simply happy for you, in that despite of everything that happened things are looking up!
The bits about your novel and TTEOP was just icing on the cake for me.
Now one thing I swear happened to me when I was reading that last bits about you and your father was "Let It All Out" from FMA:Brotherhood started playing in my head. One of the strange ways my brain works I guess.
Cards, wish I could say something that would help. But frankly, I got nothin beyond I can partially relate to what your going through. Mum passed from cancer 4 years ago, 3 years fighting it and watching her just get worse and worse and worse. When she passed...I think I would describe it best as being broken inside. Nothing would click; nothing could get my happy or angry or anything. It was surreal to say the least. Got the call at 11pm at night, apparently they had been trying to get a hold of us for hours. Certainly didn't get any sleep that night after that. Skipped a semester of classes and just....grieved. That's the best advice I can offer is to bite your tongue and just let the hurt hit you for a bit. It helps in the long run I think. Keep us updated once in a while now, even if its weeks apart. Ya got random stalking strangers over the net who wanna know how your holding up.
I can't add anything meaningful, but I want you to know that I'm still thinking and praying for you and your family. Props for being so strong under such intense pressures.
<3
I gotta say five things and i'll leave you be:
1) My mom has stage four cancer, in her lungs, liver, and gastrointestinal tract. So I can somewhat sympathize. I'm scared and so is she but we get by.
2) You don't have to write if you don't want to write when you feel you want to. We don't need it at the cost of more stress to you.
3) As a bit of a southerner, God bless your family and I hope that they get through these tough times.
4)As a bit of a religious man, I hope your mother makes it to the best possible afterlife she deserves.
5)As an Irish son, May those that love us, love us.
And those that don’t love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if he doesn’t turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we’ll know them by their limping.
But of course, what kind of, excuse my language, assholes would we be if we abandoned a friend in need? Complete and utter assholes that's what.
Not much I can really say though, other than if you ever, and I do mean ever need help, we'll be there.
Well ain't that a real piece of piss.
Good to hear its over though. If it helps anymore, have a Pinkie.
Reading this I'm... I'm almost at tears, both for all the horible stuff you had to go trough and how incredible strong you are as a person... I have no words.
This beats any motivational speech I've ever heard, that's for sure.
All the best, with an attitude like yours I believe nothing can stop you from achieving what you want.
You're right when you say everything won't be okay. I lost my dad several years ago. But they will get better. You have helped me get through some $hit with your story and I would just like to say thanks and sorry about your mom.
Shit.
You're a fuckin' trooper, you know that?
I find this song is a pretty good summary of life, as well as a hell of a motivator for pushing onwards.
Glad to hear that things are at least starting to look up again.
1129531 I wish it were one of the sillier ones. You're handling things a lot better than I
probably willwould.wow... your life's hard. (
)
i need to ask:
1) would you have it any other way?
2) how old are you again?
Well that had me in tears at the end, proves how great of an author you are that you can have that effect on people.
I'm glad things got better for you man, and thank you for continuing to work on tteoap. (still my favorite piece of fanfiction)
Damn, you're strong...
Would you like a hug?
This is why I find you an inspiration
*hug*