Dubstep
The loud gentle noise of bass rung loudly through Rockie's ears. She didn't really care how loud it was. As long as it was there she was fine. She was unlike all of her friends, for many reasons. She loved dubstep and was five feet at the age of thirteen,
which was about as tall as her friend Paris, so she thought she about normal height. Rockie didn't really have much in common
with her two best friends except they all liked My Little Pony. Paris forced her to watch it. But guess what? She loved it. But after this, she pretty much had everything MLP. She had a binder full of cards, a head full of "Living Tombstone". She had figures and posters, drawings and plushies. She also even had a Rainbow Dash hoodie, which was very cool. She loved fanfiction too. But
what completed her life was Vinyl Scratch. It was so odd that the music loving unicorn meant so much to her. All of a sudden the music stopped and she snapped back to reality. "Rockie!!! The cat's hungry!!" Rockie sighed and slowly took her headphones
off and walked to the garage door. A loud noise echoed through the house as she opened the door and jumped over the stairs. She grabbed the can and hummed "Awoken" by Glaze as she dashed up thd stairs and opend the door. She walked to the cat's dish and dumped it in. She walked to her room, grabbed her IPod and went online to Fanfiction.net. She longed to fly. If she
were a pony, she would work in the Rainbow Factory (where your fears and horrors come true). She would be very pale cyan, with shaggy purple hooves. Her mane would look like Vinyl's and it would be green and red, and her tail would be yellow and blue. Her cutie mark would be a grey and black rainbow. And she would have wings. She would be faster than the Wonderbolts,
and she would do a Sonic Rainboom, made purley from Spectra and only her colors. But it would never happen. And if it could, they would never want her. She was useless. Truly a failure.
Meanwhile in Ponyville...
Pinkie Pie got ahcohol again. Hunter and Rainbow Dash were asleep on the couch together. Fluttershy was bawling her eyes out for no good reason. Micheal was singing his ABC's backwards and spinning aimlessly in circles. Pinkie Pie left a while ago,
and Twilight Sparkle was studying.Hunter gently blinked his green eyes and unfurled his huge wings. A whoosh of air came from
this, waking up Dash. She stirred awake, yawning. She snuggled up closer to Hunter and sighed. "Well this is lame." The cyan pegasus sighed. "Tell me about it" Hunter said with a yawn. "Z Y X W!!" Micheal cried, colapsing onto the ground with a yelp. "I
wish Lyra and Vinyl were here." Fluttershy sobbed. "I agree." Dash replied "What's a party without music?" Hunter sighed. "We
should just go home." He said. Dash jumped up and spread her wings. "Race you home!" The mare cried. Hunter did the same and they were off. He sped ahead of Dash at first, but she whizzed ahaed at daring speed. Hunter quickly followed her, and they were neck and neck in seconds. Cones formed at their hooves and they pushed farther. The cones engulfed them, and
finally they broke. Two huge sonic booms engulfed the night sky. They dashed ahead, a trail of gold following the stallion, and a rainbow behind the mare. By the time they got to the houses the trails had worn off, and the two pegasus and the alicorn were tired. Dash planted a kiss on his cheek and said "Good night, neighbor!" He blushed and said " "'night Dash" and they parted ways. By the time he put his head on the cloud pillow, he was asleep
Meanwhile in the human world...
Rockie sat at her desk, playing Rainbow Flyer. She had done nine Rainbooms, and she wasn't stopping there. Finnaly she crashed and went to clean her room. She grabbed her towel and went to hang it up, just as a blinding flash came and appeared out of nowhere. When the light cleared, standing there was Vinyl Scratch. Rockie stood there, gobsmacked. Her reaction: " OH IT'S NOTHING SPECIAL, ITS JUST MY BASS CANNON!!!!!" The unicorn smiled. "Seems you already know me." She said. She imeadaitly zapped her, before she could react, and she was off to Equestria.
"Okay, I'm back" the unicorn said. A pale blue pegasus randomly fell from the ceiling, hitting the ground with a thud. As she fell.
Lyra and Rarity returned. Just as Rockie stirred. Hunter smiled and lent her a hoof. "Thanks" the mare said. The stallion smiled and said, "No problem. I'm Hunter" He said. Then she noticed. She had wings. She rockted out the window, her mane blowing in the wind. She flew up to the moon, and closed her wings. She fell as the cone formed at her hooves. Then it broke. The First
Sonic-Spectra boom. She spread them apart and flew swoftly through the air, a black trail following her. She landed in the window sill and cried, "THAT WAS AWESOME!!!!" She jumped onside as Paris and Alexis woke up. Paris was a diabetic
unicorn, whose cutie mark was a Flexpen and a flower. She was pure white with A green mane and blue highlights. Alexis was a pink mare with green eyes, and a straight blue mane. Her cutie mark was a heart. When she saw Rainbow Dash, she flew over
and began singing. "Now a Rainbow's tale isn't quite as nice." "As the story we knew of sugar and spice." Dash replied. "You monster!!" Rockie screamed at the mare. "You heartless murderer!! Those poor foals could fly as fast as you!!" Rockie, now
named Spectra, cried at the mare!!" But she was forced to stop. "Excuse me, you little- " The blue pegasus was forced to stop as the door swung open, and Luna walked in. Spectra's first action was to bow, and then those piercing orange locked onto the Princess. "Oh good, your okay." She said. "How's about we talk over tea and bread?"
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Guys, this is my first fic! Don't hate on it, I worked very hard!!
2436991
Hint: don't say this is my first fic. That is like pouring blood on water near sharks.
Being the first fic doesn't excuse you for trying: because you could have read other fanfics, searched for a proofreader, etc. You could have seen how this site works before posting it.
With this done, that is a lot of tags. I will check how it goes. Be back later.
Thanks! I guess my brother could prpofread.
2437311
Welcome. Now back to the fanfic:
First thing that caught my eye:
No, bad author. You shouldn't tell the reader to fix your work. Saying something like 'criticism is encouraged' is one thing, saying 'please check my grammar and plot' is completely different. Also you must remember that the person who do so may not be gentle, so it's usually best to find a proofreader before publishing it.
Let me ask you now: did you check the chapter you just posted? It's weird. The paragraphs are used with no actually sense. I wonder if you copy pasted it from some other place. As a rule of thumb, always check your chapter style when in Fimfiction: it could be different from what you left it to be.
This made me laugh out loud for some reason.
Well, I don't have much to do from the plot. Mostly because there is just a single chapter (and only 1100 words!), so there is not much to say. My suggestion is that you check this chapter and fix this awkward paragraph use.
Keep safe and keep writing!
2437341
Yeah, it got denied at first, so I rushed in paragraphs xD. So pretty much it needs a lot of work. I tried hard and I hope to do better.
2437538
Don't worry about it. You got the right attitude, now you just need to go and fix it.
If you need help, don't be afraid to seek it! Check groups such as Struggling Authors or Author Support for example.
2437605
Thanks! I'm working on a grim dark fic right now, called 'Chances'. It's about a deformed pegasus teen who got taken to the Wonderbolt academy, but Spitfires out to kill him.
Well, that went well.
I like it, but there are a couple things I'm going to have to tell you about the characters, if this is going to be a sequel. If it isn't a sequel, then I guess this can just happen as an in between.
2437341 is right, some of the paragraphs seem to cut off at random intervals.
I think if you took this story, broke it apart, and filled it with as much detail as you could, then it wouldn't be so rushed.
While I read, it all seemed really, point to point.
The fact that Vinyl shows up, says hello, and then takes her, is kinda rushed, considering that she's going to be gone forever, and she's only 13.
If you need a proofreader I can work that in for you.
Like it so far, it just needs some work
Spectra, Spectra, Spectra....... I've offered you a million times to proofread for you. Seriously, girl.
Oh, Master Hunter55 I would like to introduce myself. I'm known as Pinkie, Harmony, Octavia and Gentle Butterwing. I'm StormtwistForver's BFF. I've known her forever.
SO HI FRIENDS!!!
2437823
Hello! Uhm... Yeah I think she could use some help with proofreading.
That and she needs some detail up in this rushed story.
I liked the part where you and your friends are taunting Rainbow Dash with "Rainbow Factory", but it was really disjointed, and hard to understand.
If she hasn't told you about it yet, you might as well read the original story: Time to go
Shameless story promo^
Thanks, Hunter, I 'll PM you the password, and Octavia, No way your proof reading it
>>MasterHunter55
Yeah, sorry Spectra, but I have to agree with my new friend.
Shameless promo is epic. And I've started reading your story....
I want to write a fanfic, I just need to come up with some epic ideas......
And also, Vinyl is immature and didn't care about her entirely.
2437855
Is it possible to tag my story in the description of your story?
Cause that would be an epic shameless promo.
Lol firgot xD
I think I'll make a poster that says "Shameless promo rocks." It will be for Master Hunter.
Why hello there StormtwistForever, My name is JollyRogue, Also known as Jason.
I'm the writer of Fractured Soul (Not so shameless plug-in) as well as a friend of MasterHunter55. Now Hunter showed me this story I have to say good for you, but there is some work to be done.
As the story is good, you are missing some important parts. Namely correct punctuation, grammar, and detail. With the punctuation and grammar go through and edit your story yourself, go over as many times as you need. Read your story aloud. Doing these will help you in finding mistakes and awkward sentences.
As for detail you need to explain some more. When you introduce yourself and your friends I have no idea what you look like, until all of you are ponies. You need to give the readers an idea that you are humans, or lizard people, if that is the case. Also since Micheal and Hunter aren't in the show it would probably be a good idea if you explained that they are a gray/blond pegasus and a black/red dragon.
Do not be discouraged to write. You have the potential for a great story, and if you get disappointed by a comment or dislike just ignore them. It's not the end of the world so let it slide.
Also I love Awoken, but you didn't give credit to H_8 seed. Anyways have a nice day and flutter on.
Well guys, I'm canceling this. I have nowhere to go, but I will post my next and only plotlines for this. Sorry guys! :(
Go to google docs for more of the fic.