Young Stormtwist has been through a lot. Torchered, mocked, and sent through the Rainbow Factory. But through all of this, he has never been able to fly. But when he gets invited to the Wonderbolt academy, Everything changes. Spitfire and her Daughter are out to kill him on Rainbow Dash's orders, but when Spark Heart falls in love with him, Spitfire will do anything to murder the two pegasi. Even if it means sucide.
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Chapter one on the way!
Rainbow is OOC as buck.
2441995
rainbow factory rainbow dash is OOC
Evil Dash, Super submissive Spitfire.
Evil Spark Heart? Storm Twist just gets over it?
Scoots sucks at flying still?
Rainbow Dash wants your OC dead.
This got really brutal really fast.
It's also really disjointed. What's going on?!?
2442101
This is unrealisticly OOC, an element of loyalty wouldn't do that!
2442599
i think this story is stating that the character ran from the rainbow factory, and rainbow is in this as the rainbow factory pony, making her OOC like this because of the rainbow factory being in this story
Okay, your proofreader has arrived. One, you need to give some background on Stormtwist and Sparkheart. The characters seem out of place and without personality. Then things are a little rushed. Also, when your characters are speaking, you need to use punctuation. One other thing, when a different character starts speaking, you need to start a new paragraph, or else it seems jumbled and unprofessional.
This is for StormtwistForever, because she asked me to proofread.
Yeah, did you even read the tags xD. It's grimdark, and yes, Factory Dash is in this. The next chapter will be on Storm's background. Spitfire is a worker, so she is scared of Dash
Okay, so you'll have Storm's background, but what about Spark Heart? And the other characters, people will wonder about Spectra, and what happened to Scoots since we last saw her. Details like that are important. Master Hunter and I don't mean to sound harsh, but we're just trying to help you.
Love ya like a sister.
Oh, and I'll be needing another chapter. Soon.
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Initiating reading sequence because why not.
Oh god you reminded me of full-life consequences
i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn105/walkseva/halflifefulllifeconsequencesbullets.jpg
Wut
Yes, we know Scootaloo am ride scooter good
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What in the shitting dick bananas
I'm going to put this very, very nicely. This is written rather erratically and most, if not all the characters are immensely OOC. There seemed to be multiple shifts of scenes without any proper indication of it happening, and I was lost throughout most of it.
Plus, the concept is there: Just another rainbow factory fic. I can't stress enough how badly these kind of stories turn out, and how they're hated by a fair number of people, for good reason. Try picking another story idea and starting anew.
Yes, this chapter will get a lot revealed.. Also, I am looking for someone to make me some art!
2447929
Being realeased at 1:00 tommorow!
That's great. But people aren't liking this because its really disjointed and hard to understand. Description, description, description! That's key in a story! And even if its factory Dash, there's no way Spitfire would be cowering in fear. That's not like her
It's 1:00, and I see no new chapter.
Oct, be quiet! I was busy yesterday, and secral people are following me and liking / faving this and Taking Flight, also, I do not care about nitpick stuff!
T.T. Dash=Factory Owner!
Spitfire=Factory Worker!
That + That= Spitfear.
Nitpick stuff can help your story. Just sayin.
Sorry the new chapter is so short! But keep reading , delightful friends!
I am getting so many hate comments that they could fill the TARDIS. And that is a lot. So the next hate comment I get I stop writing fanfic. If the readers don't like it then whats the point? I get good plots daily. So shut up and go read a diffrent fic if you don't like it!! If you don't know any "Better" fics then I will personally link you stories. I canceled my other fic for the same reason. So the moral: SHUT THE BUCK UP!!!