Hey everypony, i'm lunar dusk. i'm a halfling, my mother was a changeling, my father was a pegasus. my dream is to be a chef, and an author obviously. :3
Three sisters have a dream to own their own art store where they could make art for all their friends and be visited by many important ponies. A simple dream, with a complicated process. They find that sometimes it takes a little detective work to get what you want, and the streets of Canterlot aren't as safe as they may seem.
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"Art" is not supposed to be captalized and you could change this sentence to: "...a dream to own an art store..." because the sentence sounds awkward with the repetition of the same word so close.
Should be "And"
Sleuthing seems a little out of place here, try using "Search" or "Time" for a better flow.
Should be "Aren't"
Beware with typos in your description, they make your story looks like you didn't took the time to care for it, thus, making your readers ask themselves why they should care. Good luck.
2390256 Thank you for pointing those out. I hadn't really thought about the summarizations beforhand so I honestly just typed it as quick as I could.
2390571
I clicked on your story because the premise caught my eye. But I doooon't want to read it until you add things like spaces (at the very least) and some indents. Walls of text are universally frowned upon on the site, and not just because it looks lazy! It's hard to read too.
Good luck, have a thumbs up wishing you the best.
2392088 Thank you for pointing that out. I had forgotten that the format resets when I copy from Microsoft Word to the site pallet. I'll fix it right now.
2392088There ya go, all finished. I hope you enjoy it.
2392726
There is a button to add the indents automatically, also and alternatively, you could just hit tab.
In addition there are still no spaces.
2392744What do you mean by spaces?
2392974
Between the paragraphs, other wise as I first said, it is what we call "A wall of text". People that see this quite often will immediately do a one eighty and not read your story. It makes it very difficult to read in that form.
2392996 Oh. I'd never heard of that before. Thank you for taking the time to explain it to me.
2393013
Quite alright no need for thanks, I just sort of noticed it when I started writing so I only got yelled at for everything else.
2393020Sorry it took so long. Im doing all this from a PS Vita.
2393097
Well, it still needs fixing in places, but that's a start. lol
2393100 Cue instadeath in 5...4...3...2...
This story has been reviewed by: The Equestrian Critics Society
Story Title: The Pony Portrait Brigade
Author: LunarDusk
Reviewed by: Shahrazad
The Pony Portrait Brigade could be a fun short story. It tries to be lighthearted and fun with deep characterization. It’s about three artistically talented sisters trying to open their own art studio. It’s a noble premise. It’s just too bad the author makes too many “new writer” mistakes. There is a good story here somewhere, but bring a shovel.
Full Review
Score: 5.0/10