Forgotten Royalty - Torrent of Hatred

by Sexy Frog

Chapter 1

The warming rays of Celestia’s delightful orange globe began to peak over the mountain top, cheerfully drifting down and kissing Twilight Sparkle’s cheek as she slowly opened her eyes into slits, gradually opening wider and wider. Her gaze meeting the end of her quilt, its design seeming as familiar to her as the back of her hoof. She swept it off of her with her teeth, placing each hoof on the ground and starring at her baby purple and green companion snuggled innocently in his basket. Her eyes tendered as she saw him, noting that Spike could use more rest before she pulled his small blanket further up his shoulder. She made her way down the stairs; her mood was delightful, as she had always been a morning pony. Trailing down to the library she opened her front door, the pleasant sights, sounds, and smells of Ponyville greeted her all at once, some ponies had already gotten up and were strolling about. Cheerilee on her usual rounds in the morning before school started, picking up supplies, Derpy Hooves on her usual postal route, flying clumsily about and knocking into almost everything. Twilight took a step out breathing in, today was going to be a good day, she just knew it!

Twilight paced about the shopping district, the sun had now crept further up the sky as several hours had passed. The district had become more populated and she soon stumbled upon Applejack’s shabby wooden stand, which by this time Twilight noticed that the sky had grown mysteriously dark, ‘Maybe the pegasei are just slacking off a little.’ Thought Twilight as she neared her friend though for some reason she doubted this as something in the back of her mind tried to warn her but she couldn’t place a hoof on it.

“Hey Applejack, how are you?”

The orange mare was turned at the time but once she heard the familiar intellectual sounding voice of her purple friend she turned after finishing with a customer.

“Well hey there Twi, I’m doin’ ay-okay, how ‘bout you? What’re you doin’ here all by your lonesome?” inquired Applejack, tilting her head in a curious manner as she smiled to her friend.

“Just going out for some supplies I needed in the library. Spike didn’t come though; he’s been a busy dragon so I’d thought I’d give him the morning off. Say, mind if I buy an apple or two?”

“No need sugar cube; this one’s on the house. Two apples commin’ right up!” Applejack exclaimed, her expression generous as she skillfully flipped two apples into Twilights saddle bag with her sporting blonde tail. Twilight smiled, she expected no less from the element of honesty, Applejack was a good mare, one of the best she’d ever met since her arrival in Ponyville about a year ago though she had four other friends that were just as good, she soon waved her hoof good-bye and was on her way but as she turned Applejack called after her, “Uh..Twi, y’all take care now, ya’ hear? Something feels kinda off so just be careful.” This troubled Twilight a bit but continued on. The sky had darkened even more than before, Twilight’s expression becoming slightly troubled, this was rather unusual, by now the weather patrol would have handled this. As she strode on, Twilight found herself walking along the outskirts of town, though the sky had grayed a bit in the pass few hours, if was still clear enough to enjoy. As she walked along, enjoying the sounds of the chirping birds and squeaking animals something passed by her, fast as bullet leaving a quickly dissipating rainbow trail behind it. Twilights eyes struggled to keep up with it as it darted about the gray sky. Eventually it paused on a cloud and she identified the pony none other than Rainbow Dash! The colorful Pegasus was flying about franticly, bucking clouds a fast as she possibly could, her face mixed with exhaustion and frustration.

As Twilight neared her friend she called out to her, “Hey Rainbow Dash!” A flash of rainbow dashed across the sky toward her, her carefully molded athletic figure tense with stress as she flew to Twilight Sparkle. “Twilight! You gotta help me, the clouds have been going nuts and the weather patrol staff is shorthanded! I’ve been working up here since earlier this morning, and the clouds just keep coming back!” Twilight looked about, her purple mane falling from side to side as she did. This was indeed not normal even on the cloudiest of days. “Okay, stand back!” Twilight commanded to her colorful friend as her horn began to shimmer with its usual purple glow as the Pegasus flew back, landing next to Twilight. Twilight’s eyes began to glow a faint violet also, as she was about to cast a rather large spell and in a second the clouds parted, giving way to the sun. Twilight and Rainbow Dash both smiled hopefully when almost as quickly as it had left the clouds zoomed back into place, this time more violently than before. Thundering and storming as if the suppressing magic filled it with resentment! Their beams of hope were wiped off their faces as a strike of lightning lashed out at the ground near them leaving a large scorch where fresh grass had just been. The blast’s shockwave knocked Twilight on her back as Rainbow Dash took to the skies, another bolt sailed from the agitated masses of gray right towards Twilight and she closed her eyes tight fearing the worse…was this really her end? Struck down by lightning and not even being able to say good bye to her closest friends?

The thundering strikes flew down and at that same instant Twilight felt the ground under her disappear. Though she was too afraid to even open her eyes, she noticed she felt unusually light. She thought to herself ‘Is this what it’s like be to be…’ She forced a disheartened gulp, ‘Dead?’ As the initial shock wore off she opened her eyes only to look down and see herself several miles from the Equestrian ground. She was alive! As she looked around for an explanation she saw someone she wouldn’t have expected. She gasped at her savior half in shock and the other half in inexpressible gratitude. Her friends flowing pink hair drifting in the wind as she sailed across the sky from the blast zone, noticeably struggling in carrying Twilight. They soon landed; the yellow furred pink maned Pegasus placed her gently on the grass near a cottage. Fluttershy was her savior! Which was quite the shocker, but she was grateful none the less. “Oh my, are you okay Twilight?!” asked Fluttershy in her usual hushed and submissive tone though more troubled than ever before. Twilight was still getting her bearings on the situation but proceeded to answer. “Uh…y-yes. T-thank you so much Fluttershy! Had you not been there I’d be…” She cut off as her pupils shrunk in fear from the recollection of what her fate could have been. Fluttershy put on a sweet face trying to calm her friend. “It’s okay Twilight, you’re fine now.” Rainbow Dash soon arrived on the scene, her rainbow trail following as close as ever before she landed gasping from worry. “Oh my gosh! Twilight, are you okay?! I-I tried to help you but I wasn’t quick enough! Oh, I’m sorry!”

“Its fine Rainbow, Fluttershy saved me. I wouldn’t have made it had it not been for her.” Remarked Twilight, to which Fluttershy just responded by stirring the rocks in the ground with her hoof sheepishly.

“How did you even get to her in time, Fluttershy?!” questioned Rainbow Dash who was genuinely intrigued.

“Oh….umm…I-I was just walking not too far away and I saw Twilight was in trouble, I just rushed as fast as I could to help her. I didn’t want her to get hurt, that’s all…” answered the gentle mare, her pink hair falling over one eye as she answered which exhibited to maximum levels of D’aww. Though their conversation was mutually cut short as they acknowledged the issue at hand; something was wrong. This was not natural so they decided to head into the Ever Free Forest and ask the one they knew most likely had the answer. As the trio traveled into the forest from Fluttershy’s cottage, the trees and undergrowth grew thicker and more eerie. The shadows of the trees were warping and contorting into the shapes of ghouls and other atrocities able to send a chill down the bravest pony’s spine. They pressed on, Fluttershy’s whimpers as frightened as ever, seeing as the mare was scared of pretty much everything. Being in the dark forest again after the Mare in the Moon incident seemed to frighten her even more. She huddled close to Rainbow Dash and Twilight who were almost equally as fearful. They soon came upon a hallowed out tree with various strange looking decorations. They knocked on the door of the tree, though there was no answer and staying any longer would probably make Fluttershy cry from fright. Just as they were about to turn they heard a rustle from inside and a familiar voice. “Who could that be, wishing to disturb me?” The door slowly creaked open revealing the black and white face of their friend Zecora, her shimmering golden necklace on as always. She looked down at the three, wiping her eyes sleepily with an equally black and white hoof stifling a yawn, “Oh my, what a fright. What do you ponies want at this time of night?” To which Twilight began to ramble on about the events of the day and how the sky was acting, all the while Zecora listened with various facial expressions to each event.

“Come inside young mares, perhaps we can figure out what gives you these scares…” was her final answer as she rounded about disappearing into her home, the three following. “So the skies have run amuck and you find yourselves stuck.” Stated Zecora with a final sigh as they circled around in her home. “Yes, we don’t know what happened, yesterday was fine and all of a sudden this happens! It can’t be natural Zecora; we figured you’d be able to help us.” Twilight replied. Zecora paced about deep in thought. She strode to her shelf of various books and began to dig through them in search of something that could maybe have an answer, but inevitably found nothing, “I am sad to relay that I have nothing for you this day. I am grateful for your trust in my loyalty but perhaps you should seek help from royalty.” Inquired Zecora as she pointed out her window to the general direction of the famous and regal city of Canterlot. The three nodded, and gave their thanks for the limited help the mysterious Zebra gave to them heading out the door and eventually (to Fluttershy’s relief) out of the forest. As they headed back to Ponyville, they discussed their preparations for departure, all the while keeping their sight glued to the relentless skies above which were still as mercurial as ever. Suddenly a small dot came from the clouds, slightly parting them only to have the hole plugged by another rushing wave of angry clouds. The dot began to draw closer and closer at an alarming rate. The size increasing as well as its detail, within moments a gold plated carriage pulled by two of the royal pegasei guards of Canterlot. They landed not far from the trio and one of them looked over to them. “Miss Twilight Sparkle, you have been summoned to Canterlot Castle by both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna collectively. You are to gather a Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Rarity to accompany you as they are relevant in this issue.”

Comments

[Brotherhood of Steel]

I enjoy writing stories with you good sir.

[Sun Chaser]

I'm sorry, but from the synopsis alone, I have no interest reading another story in which the sisters have a long lost sibling that was never brought up by anyone.

[Sexy Frog]

268670
Then why comment in the first place?

[Brotherhood of Steel]

268670 In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face, is that in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating it so.- Excerpt (Ratatouille.)

I've looked back in your history at your previous comments, you seem to like writing negative criticism, yet you have nothing to critic yourself?
Interesting?

[Sun Chaser]

...

Not to point fingers, but did you delete my comment actually offering an extensive amount of criticism?

[Brotherhood of Steel]

I find that sort of funny, but I didn't delete it.

[Sexy Frog]

Must have been a site error. I didn't touch it. I encourage criticism.

[Sun Chaser]

268813
Oh goody, I was able to get my comment back.

"In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face is that, in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so. But there are times when a critic truly risks something, and that is in the discovery and defense of the new. Last night, I experienced something new, an extraordinary meal from a singularly unexpected source. To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged my preconceptions is a gross understatement. They have rocked me to my core. In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Gusteau’s famous motto: Anyone can cook. But I realize that only now do I truly understand what he meant. Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere. It is difficult to imagine more humble origins than those of the genius now cooking at Gusteau’s, who is, in this critic’s opinion, nothing less than the finest chef in France. I will be returning to Gusteau’s soon, hungry for more."
- Anton Ego (Ratatouille, 2007)

media.screened.com/uploads/0/5735/430325-vlcsnap_00029.jpg

I love Pixar's absolutely brilliant "Ratatouille" as much as the next film enthusiast, but you seem to exclude the other half of the speech. Ego's speech wasn't about not being cynical, that was only part of it, but that a great artist could come from anywhere. His view of the world changed as a person and a critic, as no one could meet his seemingly impossible standards, until he tastes Remy's dish. He goes from a malevolent world view to a benevolent one because he now knows that greatness is still possible in this world. And he wants to be a part of it.

However, I partially disagree with Ego for the same reasons that Roger Ebert disagrees with him.

"I think Anton is too hard on critics, although perhaps he is writing autobiographically. Is he correct that "average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so?" I would suggest that the average piece of junk is not meaningful at all, apart from the way it conditions the minds of its beholders to accept more pieces of junk. How important is criticism of it? Powerless, usually. Why do critics bother with it? I will appoint myself spokesman. We had to endure it and want our revenge. We enjoy writing scathing and witty prose. We know we are rarely writing for those who seek out junk. Perhaps we hope we entertain, and encourage the resolve of those who avoid it."
-Roger Ebert (September 18, 2008)

However, you seem to insinuate that I only give negative criticism, when in actuality I just give is just criticism. Now, I admit I'm quick to judge, but I do regret some of the venom that I release and actually offer detailed criticism. Then there are times I just don't find an introduction to a story that engaging and instead offer some criticism of the writing and dialogue. Still, that just leaves me and my quick judgement, which I admit is unfair, but usually a synopsis is meant to attract the reader instead of repelling them, which it certainly did for me.

So, I'll indulge you and give a more proper review of the story thus far and its writing, so apologies for sounding pretentious ahead of time.

Ahem.

CORRECTIONS IN RED
REMOVALS IN GREEN

"Once, Long ago before the days of Equestria, in the times when the Everfree Forest ran wild and when the pony tribes of Air, Earth, and Magic still quarreled amongst themselves there was the all but dwindling Alicorn tribe."

Right off the bat it's filled with grammatical errors with an extreme lack of commas and capitalization, along with "Everfree Forest" being written incorrectly, as it's one word and a location. However, even fixing these, it's just incredibly cliche to start out with "Once long ago..." since you might as well just write "Once upon a time..." Be more creative with your writing, you need to grab the reader at the very beginning of the story, otherwise you're going to lose them.

Reading through it there are countless run on sentences and repeated words like 'when' in the first sentence above, when it was entirely unnecessary.

There are countless other problems from the pacing being much to fast, characters not having enough development, dialogue being entirely out of touch with the timeline, as Luna's dialogue in "Luna Eclipsed" that ponies used to speak in 'Ye Old English.' It just takes me out of the story, not to mention, as I said, the horrible executed introduction to the third sibling.

Speaking of which, The King, said to hold hatred towards Titus and that "Though Titus was as much an heir as Celestia, the king could not help but hold a feeling of spite towards him, seeing as the birth of Titus nearly killed his beloved wife." Which makes completely no sense later on since Luna's birth apparently kills the Queen, since she is never mentioned ever again, yet The King holds not even a smug of hatred towards his youngest daughter.

It's just inconsistent and a bit contrived to provide a motive for Titus, who's Father hates him for...unspecific and vague feelings over the years?

What's worse is that his punishment forced on him by The King is just laughable. The poorly written dialogue doesn't help it much either, “I’m not done with you!” To which his father quickly snapped. “I am done with you, Titus! You are lucky Luna saved you when she did. You are hereby banished from my kingdom for two-thousand years.”

I literally burst out laughing as he said in what I imagined was a straight face "two-thousand years" as if it was the first thing that came to his head and it's just boring and stupid and ruins the moment, if it had one in the first place, as Titus limps away to...somewhere? What stopped him coming back? Magic?

I mean, why not give him a more ironic punishment, like being banished to the clouds or sea? I mean, get a theme going on like with Luna, make the punishment ironic, be creative!

It's just boring and bland, filled with grammatical errors and some awkwardly written dialogue, now, good night.

[shadowflame2000]

273192 dude that coment is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too long

[Sun Chaser]

277091
tldr; The story is [REACTED] in need of dire improvement.

[Sexy Frog]

277923
I appreciate the criticism but don't you think calling it 'shit' is a bit much? Saying 'it could be better' is much more encouraging instead of completely shooting me down. It's my first fan fiction and I can assure you there are much worse, I've seen it. But even those aren't 'shit'. The authors just have yet to reach their full potential as writers. I'm trying, but to be honest, saying it's 'shit' stings a little.

Also, "Speaking of which, The King, said to hold hatred towards Titus and that "Though Titus was as much an heir as Celestia, the king could not help but hold a feeling of spite towards him, seeing as the birth of Titus nearly killed his beloved wife." Which makes completely no sense later on since Luna's birth apparently kills the Queen, since she is never mentioned ever again, yet The King holds not even a smug of hatred towards his youngest daughter."

This never happened, Luna never killed the Queen in birth as it was never once mentioned that she died. She was not really mentioned much anymore since her purpose was served and she wasn't a main character to begin with.

[Railyn]

277923 Nice Trilby avatar.

278789 I think he was a little bitter due to shadowflame apparently brushing off his criticism, which he really put a lot of thought into if I'm any judge. And as for not mentioning the Queen again, maybe at least mention her in passing so it's a bit more obvious. Haven't read this yet, although I will and see if I can say anything he hasn't. I came here because I was entranced by his aforementioned Trilby avatar. Unless I'm wrong and that's another pixelated cat burglar with a nice hat.

[Railyn]

278842 Okay, nevermind. Looks like there's one obvious thing he didn't say. Your chapters are freaking walls of text. I didn't really get any farther than that. Walls of text are hard to read; maybe break them up into a few more paragraphs.

[shadowflame2000]

277923 if the story is shit why are u reading it and looking at the coments posting coments and replying to them if u dont like it dont read it end of story

[shadowflame2000]

278789 forget him he just another troll the coment above my coment above proves it

[Sun Chaser]

278842

"I came here because I was entranced by his aforementioned Trilby avatar. Unless I'm wrong and that's another pixelated cat burglar with a nice hat."

You'd be very right. It's actually an adventure game I've been in the middle of making for the past couple of months that takes place in the 1940s, that does indeed involve a cat burglar, although they're a lot less subtle about it than Trilby. Funny thing though, I only found out about that series a few weeks after finishing the sprites for my character, who I actually dub "The Mute," and then found out a few days later than it was made using Adventure Game Studio, which is what I'm using.

Funny coincidence.

Heh, maybe I might post development of the game in my blog, who knows.

278789

"I appreciate the criticism but don't you think calling it 'shit' is a bit much? Saying 'it could be better' is much more encouraging instead of completely shooting me down. It's my first fan fiction and I can assure you there are much worse, I've seen it. But even those aren't 'shit'. The authors just have yet to reach their full potential as writers. I'm trying, but to be honest, saying it's 'shit' stings a little."

My apologizes, shadowflame's comment just put me in an annoyed mood when writing my reply, but yes, you're writing is in need of dire improvement for many reasons, but let me just give you on VERY critical tip for writing a story. You need to think, REALLY think to yourself, "Is this a story that people would enjoy and be engaged with?"

If you have your doubts, then you need to isolate them and wonder what changes would benefit your story.

"This never happened, Luna never killed the Queen in birth as it was never once mentioned that she died. She was not really mentioned much anymore since her purpose was served and she wasn't a main character to begin with."

But that's just it, the fact that you never mentioned her again left me confused as a reader, so I only had to assume that she died. Even the punishment is left to The King and him alone, which I found to just reinforce. Character's can't just serve a purpose and be completely forgotten and will just feel like that, a purpose, not a character.

Heck, The King and Queen don't even have names, which is just terrible. EVERY character is important in your story, how you use them and how you write them. As another tip, when writing, ALWAYS read it out loud to yourself to make sure it SOUNDS good. If something sounds off or doesn't flow particular well, change it and find out what the problem is.

Again, sorry for calling your story 'shit,' but I'm just going to be honest with you and say that it really is terrible. I would suggest scrapping this story and starting smaller. Maybe write a one-shot to get the hang of writing dialogue and scenes more. It'll make for good practice, trust me.

Good luck.

280259

"If the story is shit why are you reading it and looking at the comments posting comments and replying to them if you don't like it don't read it end of story."

Did you write this on a bucking iPhone? Learn to spell like an educated person.

Anyway, this tired excuse is one big paradox. How am I meant to judge it if I don't read it? Yeah, I was originally going to ignore it, maybe I should have instead of commenting, and move on, but someone called me out for not properly critiquing it and I did in a very formal manner, even giving more advice above.

280269

"Forget him, he is just another troll. The comment my comment above proves it."

"Troll," I don't think you know what that means.

[shadowflame2000]

280467 yes i actually did write it on a bucking phoneand a troll is soneone who acts like an ass online to piss ppl off or just for fun

[Sun Chaser]

281510

"...a troll is someone who acts like an ass online to piss people off or just for fun.

Then I am not a troll, as my intention was not to angry anyone, but to express an opinion, although again, calling their story shit was going too far. Anyway, do you not have a computer or...? Why do you keep using your phone?

[shadowflame2000]

281578 i have a computer but phones have better internet round here nd my phone cut out that word i fixed the coment

[shadowflame2000]

did u run out of ideas is that why its held off 4 now

[Sexy Frog]

424794 To be honest I lost interest. Besides I have my hands full with my other story Half Past Octavia.

[shadowflame2000]

425597 thats a shame if u dont want to finish it u can just find some 1 else to the can just copy and paste the first two chapters and do the rest u will beed to link us to him or her though

[Kirby]

i reall like this story keep making them