Celestias' and Lunas' brother, long forgotten in history after his banishment 2000 years ago. But he returns in Forgotten Royalty, hungering for revenge against his sisters and thus waging war on Equestria. Ponies from his land far far away invade and the six just might not be enough to defeat him so they must call on an...unsuspecting ally.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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cool story i can tell its gonna be a long one once its finished that is unless celestia banishes him to the moon too
Cool story bro.
next chapters takeing a while
Sorry for the wait, I've been a bit busy. Next chapter will be up in a few hours.
Edit: New chapter has been added!
I enjoy writing stories with you good sir.
I'm sorry, but from the synopsis alone, I have no interest reading another story in which the sisters have a long lost sibling that was never brought up by anyone.
268670
Then why comment in the first place?
268670 In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face, is that in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating it so.- Excerpt (Ratatouille.)
I've looked back in your history at your previous comments, you seem to like writing negative criticism, yet you have nothing to critic yourself?
Interesting?
...
Not to point fingers, but did you delete my comment actually offering an extensive amount of criticism?
I find that sort of funny, but I didn't delete it.
Must have been a site error. I didn't touch it. I encourage criticism.
268813
Oh goody, I was able to get my comment back.
"In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face is that, in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so. But there are times when a critic truly risks something, and that is in the discovery and defense of the new. Last night, I experienced something new, an extraordinary meal from a singularly unexpected source. To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged my preconceptions is a gross understatement. They have rocked me to my core. In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Gusteau’s famous motto: Anyone can cook. But I realize that only now do I truly understand what he meant. Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere. It is difficult to imagine more humble origins than those of the genius now cooking at Gusteau’s, who is, in this critic’s opinion, nothing less than the finest chef in France. I will be returning to Gusteau’s soon, hungry for more."
- Anton Ego (Ratatouille, 2007)
media.screened.com/uploads/0/5735/430325-vlcsnap_00029.jpg
I love Pixar's absolutely brilliant "Ratatouille" as much as the next film enthusiast, but you seem to exclude the other half of the speech. Ego's speech wasn't about not being cynical, that was only part of it, but that a great artist could come from anywhere. His view of the world changed as a person and a critic, as no one could meet his seemingly impossible standards, until he tastes Remy's dish. He goes from a malevolent world view to a benevolent one because he now knows that greatness is still possible in this world. And he wants to be a part of it.
However, I partially disagree with Ego for the same reasons that Roger Ebert disagrees with him.
"I think Anton is too hard on critics, although perhaps he is writing autobiographically. Is he correct that "average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so?" I would suggest that the average piece of junk is not meaningful at all, apart from the way it conditions the minds of its beholders to accept more pieces of junk. How important is criticism of it? Powerless, usually. Why do critics bother with it? I will appoint myself spokesman. We had to endure it and want our revenge. We enjoy writing scathing and witty prose. We know we are rarely writing for those who seek out junk. Perhaps we hope we entertain, and encourage the resolve of those who avoid it."
-Roger Ebert (September 18, 2008)
However, you seem to insinuate that I only give negative criticism, when in actuality I just give is just criticism. Now, I admit I'm quick to judge, but I do regret some of the venom that I release and actually offer detailed criticism. Then there are times I just don't find an introduction to a story that engaging and instead offer some criticism of the writing and dialogue. Still, that just leaves me and my quick judgement, which I admit is unfair, but usually a synopsis is meant to attract the reader instead of repelling them, which it certainly did for me.
So, I'll indulge you and give a more proper review of the story thus far and its writing, so apologies for sounding pretentious ahead of time.
Ahem.
CORRECTIONS IN RED
REMOVALS IN GREEN
"Once, Long ago before the days of Equestria, in the times when the Everfree Forest ran wild and when the pony tribes of Air, Earth, and Magic still quarreled amongst themselves there was the all but dwindling Alicorn tribe."
Right off the bat it's filled with grammatical errors with an extreme lack of commas and capitalization, along with "Everfree Forest" being written incorrectly, as it's one word and a location. However, even fixing these, it's just incredibly cliche to start out with "Once long ago..." since you might as well just write "Once upon a time..." Be more creative with your writing, you need to grab the reader at the very beginning of the story, otherwise you're going to lose them.
Reading through it there are countless run on sentences and repeated words like 'when' in the first sentence above, when it was entirely unnecessary.
There are countless other problems from the pacing being much to fast, characters not having enough development, dialogue being entirely out of touch with the timeline, as Luna's dialogue in "Luna Eclipsed" that ponies used to speak in 'Ye Old English.' It just takes me out of the story, not to mention, as I said, the horrible executed introduction to the third sibling.
Speaking of which, The King, said to hold hatred towards Titus and that "Though Titus was as much an heir as Celestia, the king could not help but hold a feeling of spite towards him, seeing as the birth of Titus nearly killed his beloved wife." Which makes completely no sense later on since Luna's birth apparently kills the Queen, since she is never mentioned ever again, yet The King holds not even a smug of hatred towards his youngest daughter.
It's just inconsistent and a bit contrived to provide a motive for Titus, who's Father hates him for...unspecific and vague feelings over the years?
What's worse is that his punishment forced on him by The King is just laughable. The poorly written dialogue doesn't help it much either, “I’m not done with you!” To which his father quickly snapped. “I am done with you, Titus! You are lucky Luna saved you when she did. You are hereby banished from my kingdom for two-thousand years.”
I literally burst out laughing as he said in what I imagined was a straight face "two-thousand years" as if it was the first thing that came to his head and it's just boring and stupid and ruins the moment, if it had one in the first place, as Titus limps away to...somewhere? What stopped him coming back? Magic?
I mean, why not give him a more ironic punishment, like being banished to the clouds or sea? I mean, get a theme going on like with Luna, make the punishment ironic, be creative!
It's just boring and bland, filled with grammatical errors and some awkwardly written dialogue, now, good night.
273192 dude that coment is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too long
277091
tldr; The story is [REACTED] in need of dire improvement.
277923
I appreciate the criticism but don't you think calling it 'shit' is a bit much? Saying 'it could be better' is much more encouraging instead of completely shooting me down. It's my first fan fiction and I can assure you there are much worse, I've seen it. But even those aren't 'shit'. The authors just have yet to reach their full potential as writers. I'm trying, but to be honest, saying it's 'shit' stings a little.
Also, "Speaking of which, The King, said to hold hatred towards Titus and that "Though Titus was as much an heir as Celestia, the king could not help but hold a feeling of spite towards him, seeing as the birth of Titus nearly killed his beloved wife." Which makes completely no sense later on since Luna's birth apparently kills the Queen, since she is never mentioned ever again, yet The King holds not even a smug of hatred towards his youngest daughter."
This never happened, Luna never killed the Queen in birth as it was never once mentioned that she died. She was not really mentioned much anymore since her purpose was served and she wasn't a main character to begin with.
277923 Nice Trilby avatar.
278789 I think he was a little bitter due to shadowflame apparently brushing off his criticism, which he really put a lot of thought into if I'm any judge. And as for not mentioning the Queen again, maybe at least mention her in passing so it's a bit more obvious. Haven't read this yet, although I will and see if I can say anything he hasn't. I came here because I was entranced by his aforementioned Trilby avatar. Unless I'm wrong and that's another pixelated cat burglar with a nice hat.
278842 Okay, nevermind. Looks like there's one obvious thing he didn't say. Your chapters are freaking walls of text. I didn't really get any farther than that. Walls of text are hard to read; maybe break them up into a few more paragraphs.
277923 if the story is shit why are u reading it and looking at the coments posting coments and replying to them if u dont like it dont read it end of story
278789 forget him he just another troll the coment above my coment above proves it
278842
"I came here because I was entranced by his aforementioned Trilby avatar. Unless I'm wrong and that's another pixelated cat burglar with a nice hat."
You'd be very right. It's actually an adventure game I've been in the middle of making for the past couple of months that takes place in the 1940s, that does indeed involve a cat burglar, although they're a lot less subtle about it than Trilby. Funny thing though, I only found out about that series a few weeks after finishing the sprites for my character, who I actually dub "The Mute," and then found out a few days later than it was made using Adventure Game Studio, which is what I'm using.
Funny coincidence.
Heh, maybe I might post development of the game in my blog, who knows.
278789
"I appreciate the criticism but don't you think calling it 'shit' is a bit much? Saying 'it could be better' is much more encouraging instead of completely shooting me down. It's my first fan fiction and I can assure you there are much worse, I've seen it. But even those aren't 'shit'. The authors just have yet to reach their full potential as writers. I'm trying, but to be honest, saying it's 'shit' stings a little."
My apologizes, shadowflame's comment just put me in an annoyed mood when writing my reply, but yes, you're writing is in need of dire improvement for many reasons, but let me just give you on VERY critical tip for writing a story. You need to think, REALLY think to yourself, "Is this a story that people would enjoy and be engaged with?"
If you have your doubts, then you need to isolate them and wonder what changes would benefit your story.
"This never happened, Luna never killed the Queen in birth as it was never once mentioned that she died. She was not really mentioned much anymore since her purpose was served and she wasn't a main character to begin with."
But that's just it, the fact that you never mentioned her again left me confused as a reader, so I only had to assume that she died. Even the punishment is left to The King and him alone, which I found to just reinforce. Character's can't just serve a purpose and be completely forgotten and will just feel like that, a purpose, not a character.
Heck, The King and Queen don't even have names, which is just terrible. EVERY character is important in your story, how you use them and how you write them. As another tip, when writing, ALWAYS read it out loud to yourself to make sure it SOUNDS good. If something sounds off or doesn't flow particular well, change it and find out what the problem is.
Again, sorry for calling your story 'shit,' but I'm just going to be honest with you and say that it really is terrible. I would suggest scrapping this story and starting smaller. Maybe write a one-shot to get the hang of writing dialogue and scenes more. It'll make for good practice, trust me.
Good luck.
280259
"If the story is shit why are you reading it and looking at the comments posting comments and replying to them if you don't like it don't read it end of story."
Anyway, this tired excuse is one big paradox. How am I meant to judge it if I don't read it? Yeah, I was originally going to ignore it, maybe I should have instead of commenting, and move on, but someone called me out for not properly critiquing it and I did in a very formal manner, even giving more advice above.
280269
"Forget him, he is just another troll. The comment my comment above proves it."
"Troll," I don't think you know what that means.
280467 yes i actually did write it on a bucking phone
and a troll is soneone who acts like an ass online to piss ppl off or just for fun
281510
"...a troll is someone who acts like an ass online to piss people off or just for fun.
Then I am not a troll, as my intention was not to angry anyone, but to express an opinion, although again, calling their story shit was going too far. Anyway, do you not have a computer or...? Why do you keep using your phone?
281578 i have a computer but phones have better internet round here nd my phone cut out that word i fixed the coment
did u run out of ideas is that why its held off 4 now
424794 To be honest I lost interest. Besides I have my hands full with my other story Half Past Octavia.
425597 thats a shame if u dont want to finish it u can just find some 1 else to the can just copy and paste the first two chapters and do the rest u will beed to link us to him or her though
i reall like this story keep making them