Shadowphoenix34
Joined 24th Jan, 2012 ·
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Guys just so you know i might be updating randomly as well maybe even 5 minutes after i post the last one depending on how fast i write them hope you guys enjoy it!!!
Okay... Okay. *Sigh* I understand that this is your first fic, but this plot is going wayy to damn fast. I mean, If this was unstoppable(the movie), and this story was the train, it would be going over that bend already, and the two main characters would be trundling off the roundhouse check-up. That said, I think you have something good going on here, although you have major things like AMNESIA being cured by something as simple as a kiss, amnesia isn't something you can cure with a string tied to a finger, or a hoof for that matter.
Basic things like grammar, and spacing are commonplace, not ranting too long at it, just try and pay attention to it. However, not too bad, concerning that it is your first. Im thinking three and a half stars.
EDIT: Due to the fact that I think that you could easily fix some things in here, I am going to track, and will try and be as positive as possible.
sup this is a really GOOD STORY i hope u add a lot more.
im surprized that no one has written anything. this is one of the best stories i have read.
u did a nice job shadow. keep up the good work.
159810
it could use grammer but over all its damn good if u ask me
159810
I did that on purpose that isn't all the plot that is actually what causes the beginning of the plot in fact thats gonna be the first couple of chapters trust me the plot is moving slowly for what i have planned with my co-writer,
159852
Alright, that could just be my bias on how stories should go; I think that romances should have a bit of build-up, if not the whole story, to become a fruit of labor. Then the next follow-up could be about them being together.
I respect your opinion since i like those as well, but i always expect sequels out of that and i do enjoy those every once in a while but i like to get the story more romance with the drama as well and thank you for your opinions they always help and show me people want me to improve.
I also agree with the amnesia thing that was something my co-writer thought we could use to make a more "romantic" cure to it but that was what Rainbow had been thinking of doing for a long time by then so that could have been a huge memory shock since it was key to who she was so it works but it also doesn't at the same time.
159852 You may have planned for this, but it would be much better with a bit more time spent. I think if you turned this into a 5,000 word chapter rather than your current rather low-length one, you could do much better. This is an excellent, wonderful idea with a lot of potential. If I were you, I would rewrite the content of the whole first chapter and make it about 5x longer, expanding on the accident that caused the amnesia. Writing romance is like giving a speech - you think you're going way too slow while everybody else is struggling to keep up. The grammar issues really contributed to the rushed feel. I'm certain that you could get a 5 star story if you spaced out action and gave grammar a better look over. If you want help with grammar, feel free to message me and I'd be glad to correct the issues that I see.
159959
dude thats kind of mean dont u think
I was only setting up for the plot later on i will make much longer chapters later in the series i understand the need for length but the first chapter is only the start romance is not the only plot for this story but after the first 4 chapters the length should suit your needs. I also know that i have grammar issues even at age 18 but i will try my best to fix it and thanks for the criticism i will use that around chapter 5 or 6 once the action begins to really build (there is much plotting for a lot of dialogue later so that might help) please keep telling me how i can improve so i can make this as good as it can get. Just don't expect length of like 5000 words till later this is my first after all.
also you can message me possible ideas if you want to help me expand later on i will give the password to view before it's published so you can review them if you want but i wont have the next ones up till next week. Btw this is for goo
5 stars
160015
No, he is not being mean. Stop overreacting to perfect, sensible criticism.
160288 160015
*She
And I don't think so. I try to make stories better when I like the plot. This guy clearly has a lot of creativity, and if they corrected some of their problems then it would be a really nice read!
Thanks guys for the criticism it will make the story better, but again as a reminder length will come in the later chapters like around 5 or 6 since the first few are build up for the main plot. Once again I'm open to ideas for plot if you think they would help.
Very good story
Ya the next chapter will be long but it might not be up on schedule because i am planning on slowing it down drastically and also increasing the length.
Ok guys my laptop is fried this is coming from my friends laptop and i probably wont be updating for like a month at the most sorry if you were waiting but ideas are flowing in my head and they are all written down so that the chapters will come up fast once my laptop is repaired so please be patient thanks bye!