Ever since her PFF, Lyra died, Bon-Bon has been feeling worthless. She has discovered that without Lyra, she is worthless. She is been ridded of all things happy, laughter, fun, she has nothing. Her life is falling apart, and now all she can do is cry. Will Bon-Bon ever find happiness again?
*rating is teen because of violence and thoughts of suicide you may read if you know what suicide is.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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i amlost cryed a little.
i want to just cry and hug bon bon
. maybe do dark arts to get lyra back. 
2085751YAY my story is actually good and I will take thst to consideration >:)
Okay, the emotion's written... well enough. But the delivery is lacking. The reader won't be saddened if all you do is try to punch them with brute feelings. First, you need to ease them into the story(there's no real plot here), make them love the characters, then introduce the tragedy of sad twist. The way this is written it feels like nothing more than angst personified with vague inklings of a reason.
It's not bad, and split apart and inserted into a longer story this could really wring out the emotions. But it's lacking a few needed things to make it an actual story. There are many guides available, and I suggest you read them, then try again, there's no other way to learn!
There's a fine line between "feels :(" and "feels :\"
You abused the Em Dash, and it was not even an Em Dash.
Em Dash: —
Your Dash: -
You used it way too much.
Okay, what are you going to dye?
2085893 It's not really a story It's more of a journel to poor Bon-Bon's feeling out in. I said, in the prologue "I keep this journal..." but yes this is only the start later in the fanfic it is going to turn into more of a storyline, that was my plan
2085964 Thanks for the info captin obvious I was just about to edit it
2085995
Don't mistreat someone trying to help you mate, else you won't get the help that you do need.
Also, edit before you post, always.
2085949 Yeah I realized that when I finished that when I finished the prologue, so I decided that in future chapters I would keep that in mind. Thanks for the suggestion though, it will help me in my writing future.
2085895 I have no Idea what you're sayinf
2086003 I understand I'm editing currently and I didn't do it earlier because I was WAY to exited when I got 1000 words that I submitted right away but the comment "okay, what are you going to dye" hurt my feelings a bit, you have to admit, he could have said it more pleasantly.
You should never hurt someone's feelings
2086049
I see no "hate comments" here...Just constructive criticism. If you think the 'negative' feedback you got is hate, you don't know what a flame it
2086087 You're right but I don't like constructive criticism that are in the form that can be insulting (a la themuffinsquad's comment)
2086112
If you mean 2085964 there's a difference between being cheeky and being insulting. I understand that sarcasm and that kind of wit don't translate well over the intertubes, but...Really. That's nothing, compared to the kind of "constructive criticism" certain members of this site used to dole out.
2086112
Dude, if your story's getting negative feedback it means that you did something wrong. Go back, fix it, and try again with your next fic. That's it. You'll learn eventually. It took me a solid year to get the basics of fiction writing, and I still consider myself an amateur at best.
2086144 I edited it very thoroughly just so you know I took most of the criticism now how about we all start over and just pretend like none of this never happened
2086174
Double negative on purpose?
Do you want some links to guides?
You may say that you're a bad writer, but that's no excuse for poor formatting.
Wall of Text, buddy.
2085837 are you sure you can do it?
it is hard, and dosn't work right 
. but sure why not, 
go necromancy though, it make them a zombie slave. 
2088323 I will eventually bring Lyra back, when the the journal turns into a stoty
Let's please just drop the negativity
2089654 don't raise
negativity, drop the bass 
. yo, DJ pon-3 drop it hard. 
(skrillix kill every body 
) 
kill as tormente. but i thing negativity is to high 