• Member Since 22nd Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen May 3rd

A Hoof-ful of Dust

You can't see the forest...


Lyra wants—no, needs—to understand what's making Bon Bon depressed.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 14 )

Beautiful. As someone who has suffered and still is suffering from suicidal ideation I feel obligated to applause you. Its almost scary how bad depression feels, then the nooses get tied and you feel a coward for not using it. You feel like there's nobody in your corner, but you're wrong. You're just not looking for them.

This is possibly one of the most accurate descriptions of depression I've read. Much more so than how my old therapist explained it. This is definitely my favorite sad story I've read here, because the reality it touches upon.
(Spoiler'd for thoughts and feelings on Depression and Medication (In my experience))
I very much understand these sentiments and feelings, having once (or perhaps still) had them myself.
Self-criticism can play a major part, and while not always a cause, it can be a huge one. People value you, but it feels like it means nothing if you do not value yourself.
I understand not wanting medication. Not even a few months ago I was refusing it because I didn't want to loose myself to it. I didn't want the medication to be me. I didn't want to fade to the background while people accepted the medicated man in my place. I honestly thought it would replace me. The only reason I ever gave it a shot is because it worked on my little cousin, and my doctor aunt suggested it.
I know now that isn't true, that in the cases of most medication, you don't notice a difference, but it's apparent to everyone around you. In my case, I was far less withdrawn, and actively started conversations. I motivated myself, not needing someone to tell me what to do. I didn't change; I'm still goofy, I still speak the same way, I still know my flaws. I just accept them better now. It doesn't blind me to my shortcomings, but it makes it easier to accept them and attempt to fix them.
Don't be afraid to get help. You may think it's nothing, but that doesn't mean other people think so.

Very touching piece, very moving.

Recalling a blog post you had made a while back, I do hope that it was rather cathartic as well.

A liar disease. I love that.
This piece needs much more recognition.

It is scary, how bad it can get when it can seem like there's nothing really wrong. But for as bleak as things can seem, there are always people who know what it feels like. We're not alone in this, for better or for worse.

It took me a very long time to recognise my own depression, exactly what it does too you and how deep the roots of it run. I have to give some of the credit to stories on this site for managing to articulate how I felt, so I'm just passing it along for the next person who might not really fully know what they're grappling with. And I wanted a happy ending, or at least a hopeful one, because that can happen, too.

Very. Some details are changed for the sake of story, but Bon Bon's monologue... I've been wanting to write that out for a while.

I don't remember where I read that description, but it's so accurate. Everything is fine, you're just perceiving it wrong. You trick yourself often enough into believe things aren't okay that they become not okay, while the disease keeps making you think it's your fault.

a very good, very accurate description of the snowball spiral that is depression
and a good description of how carried away you can get when first on medication
mmm, and I sympathize with Bon-Bon's veiw of medication making you someone you aren't
but Lyra has the right idea here, depression has already done just that, the medication is purely to counteract that

I reviewed this story!

My review can be found here.

I got really talkative and hyper for a couple of days; I was all for medication, but going from 0 to 100 overnight was one hell of a weird experience.

This is exactly what I hoped your review would be.

6378497 i got like that
though not so much talkative as "ride my bike for 12 hours, come home and bake 4 cakes, start several loaves of bread, type up four chapters of my ever-ongoing novel in under an hour, play my violin for a while, crash into bed and sleep"
and that's not exaggeration, i did that
i slept like a rock

Orpheus and Eurydiche. It always made me so... Bottomlessly sad. Thanks.

There's a lot of myths and folk tales that have harsh endings, but that one's such a downer because... like, he was almost there. He almost had her out, and then he loses her again. It's a thing I've had in mind for ages for Lyra, that she loves that myth and just skips the end; I think that might be a very cynical interpretation of optimism.

6430889 It might be. I was thinking of hope, actually. Hope, made of sterner stuff than well-wishes and optimism, but bona fide Hope. I find that it isn't ignorant of failure so much as it transcends it. True hope knows that failure is a very real possibility--I think in fact it often knows that failure is probably the only possibility. Something a bit warmer than Nordic "Pick your hill and die on it with a smile" fatalism. Something more like Ragnorak, where they know they're going to die, but they don't care because somewhere, someone will have green fields and a swift sunrise and it makes it worth it.

I also kind of thought about

"It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

from that infamous chapter on Love.

This deserves more love than it's getting.

I'm a bit tired of the typical depression fic as you described, as it often comes off as glorifying the disease more than anything else. As such, I was really glad to see an upbeat ending. And as some one who is bipolar to a certain degree, you captured really well that period of activity right after coming off a slump. Great work, and thanks for writing!

Login or register to comment