Starfire is the daughter of King Camazotz and Queen Nephthys of the Bat Pony Republic, and a self proclaimed "Shadowbolt". Equestrians are viewed as little more than slaves in this land. But when a strange necklace found in a meteor causes Starfire to start hearing a voice, the blame is placed on Equestria. When she attempts to defend them, Starfire is considered a traitor and sentenced to die. Now, with her six surviving servants, she sets off to a place her voice claims will be a safe haven: The Crystal Empire. Along the way, she will meet new friends and learn about the voice and the memories it has But, something knows the truth about this necklace. And it wants it, if only to find the truth about his "gods".
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Authors Notes: This will be heavily modified, and probably extended. The chapter order will most likely change, the more ridiculous content removed and stuff like that. Please remain calm, it's just business.
I would also like to thank Aegis Shield, Pen Stroke, Kkat, the parisprite(even though you seem to be nuts), Annonymous Pegasus, shirotora, and all the countless writers I have read in the time since finding the site. I can't name them all, these guys are the ones that made the greatest first impressions on me and am honored to have my own story. Also, if this comment comes off as creepy, I apologize
Hmmm... It is interesting to think of a Bat winged pony civilisation existing somewhere, and preying on 'Equestrian' ponies. However... You'll have to have a very good reason why the god-like Princess Celestia doesn't step in and stop them from stealing 'her little ponies', as it were. P:
I would also suggest that if you are not planning on having 'Twilight' be Twilight Sparkle, that you describe your Twilight as a pegasus, or mention her colour, or something. It feels like you are building up this sick Twilight to be ours, horribly captured by these other ponies... And then it's not her at all.
I'm a little confused as to what exactly your main character was doing, why she was up so late the night before, and why her father would care. Was she playing with Equestrians, in a way not becoming of her station? Was she studying subjects that the king objects to? Was she just playing, spending energy that could be better applied in her schooling?
Why is the King so angry? Why is he so evil? Characters are rarely evil just to be evil, especially ones who are responsible for the prosperity of an entire civilisation. If you kill all of your underlings for ridiculous reasons, such as accidentally breaking a vase, then you are going to find yourself in the midst of a revolt. Ponies won't stand for that.
Why was the flying lesson mentioned, if we never got to see it? What purpose did it serve? We never got to meet Firefly, and we don't know how Starfire did in her flying lessons.
I do really like the idea of her being a 'Shadowbolt', I think it's interesting that Nightmare Moon would have used the name of something that already existed. It makes me wonder what her ties to this civilisation are. Was she their Princess, much like Celestia is the princess of the Equestrians?
As for help finding earth ponies, I suggest you check out this wiki of the original toys. You might also be able to find the original episodes on an online streaming site... *whistles*
>>wulfaeI thank you for your interesting views on my story. Yes, I can understand why Celestia would step in, and why playing with Equestrians is "Unbecoming". I promise that the next chapter and probably the one after that will contain some back story.
The flying lesson I'm planning to save for use in a flashback while she is on the run. And the ties nightmare moon has to the Bat ponies will be explained very, very much in detail in, probably, ch. 2, which I will probably entitle a brief history.
And finally, for twilight. The reason I am keeping her, and the other G1 characters, the way they were initially is because I plan for them to run into the mane 6(probably in book 2). Oh, I can't wait for that scene
images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130102094210/mlp/images/e/e8/Crazy_Pinkie_Pie_S1E25.png
And thanks for the link. I found it very useful.
And now, I sleep
>"What is your normal job here," she asked.
That should end in a question mark. Statements end in commas in these situations.
Examples:
If you don't have an editor/prereader, I could probably help. I've been having trouble with the PM system lately, so you can send me an email if you want: shadow.blaze.pony.24 (at) gmail (dot) com
This sentence is too long, it's pretty much a paragraph. Also, there should have been spaces before the open parens, like this:
I would suggest moving the descriptions somewhere else, so as to avoid paragraph-length sentences. Additionally, try not to use parens too much. They disrupt the flow of the sentence. In most cases, you can reword the sentence to use commas instead. If you already have commas seperating items in a list, I would suggest changing them into semicolons at the same time, to remove confusion. However, don't just use semicolons as item seperators everywhere; they're closer to a conjunction (and, or, but, etc) than a comma.
If you do use parens in a sentence, make sure it's NOT something that a character is saying. That's not very good practice.
One last thing, try to keep the content short, like I did with the highlighted parens two paragraphs ago.
>>Shadow_Blaze
Thank you for pointing those out. I will fix them when i have more time. And thank you for the offer. I'll email you some time soon ( Probably tommorrow )
First, I want to give HUGE SHOUTOUT to Shadow_Blaze, my pre reader, for prereading this story. You have no clue how much this means to me.
Also, to all readers who disliked, please start giving reasons for disliking. Unless you are a troll. I'm open to criticism but disliking for the sake of it is just wrong.
Ah Starscream is one of my favorite transformers because of how he is an usurper of megatron and I think he has been in every generation but I think you are referencing g1
Meh I've read worse
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Actually, I'm referencing Energon, but g1 was pretty great.
Starscream is best decepticon
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Also, thank's for the vote of confidence. You inspire me, comrade. Also, this chapter will be heavily edited, along with the previous two. Expect it to be a little better soon.
It looks as though that this has been getting some mixed reviews. I will give it a shot anyway. For the Shadowbolts.
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Thank you so much. That means a lot to me.
Ps, the last 3 chapters are still being edited. Brace yourself
It's refreshing to read a striving author's work instead of one that has already mad a name for themselves like I hope to one day. Good on ya.
I don't know why but I read this and thought of the sweetest gem by the rarispy. Weird
I feel like I've read a book before with this same kind of plot I just can't remember the name. I like kittens. Dammit shirt attention span.
God I know I've read this somewhere before.
Jesus christ
I need a suit of that armour
I got confused at the end. But other than that it was really good.
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Thank you
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Hmm. I'll have to find out if I unconciously took the idea from something, then reread it.
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*bows*