Appleblooms heading for a Cutiemark Crusader sleepover, when a cloaked foal is sitting on the hill looking over Ponyville.She soon comes to be friends with this mysterious pony, and begins a friendship that ruins others. not to mention starts to pull problems with her family and the fellow crusadors. But as the Pony and her become close, she learns a secret and must harbor it for her new friend, but is the secret worth losing the crusadors trust.
This is my first Fanfic, thats been heard a lot, so rip it to shreds or enjoy it, whatever ya like juss be honest and share tips and all.
Chapters (2)
Ahh, you should really either find someone to, or proofread your stories yourself.
Other than that, it's turning out to be an intresting story. I'll keep my eyes open for it.
Actually I did, I guess I forgot to click save or it didn't save,
well ill get on tht hopefully by tomorrow or saturday! Thank you for tellin me
Tracked but I'll wait to edit this post as I finish to input my opinion.
This isn't half-bad. Sure, there's a few mistakes in Grammar and Spelling, but nothing that takes away from the story too much. I expect more from you, good sir.
Definitely needs a proof read and a heavy polish. Some of the dialogue and character interaction is clunky. And the whole background story for Mountains inception was rushed and unbelievable. But for a first draft it's fantastic. Your concept, while not unique, is solid. Assuming that you already have a plotline fleshed out, this story may do well. Just remember that slice of life is focused entirely on character interaction. All relationship development must be properly paced, well shown, and most importantly beleivable. Characters should not rush into things unless it is in their character, and if it is, that should be made clear by example well before it becomes pertinent. The biggest mistake I've seen writers make is rushed character development. People in general, and ponies by extension, are slow to change and slow to accept change.