Rarity: Behind Bars

by White-pawPony

What's What

As Rarity was ushered away from her new friend and into the cafeteria to eat breakfast, she kept thinking about Stone Blade. The way his eyes sucked her in; the way his unkempt mane swept over his shoulders... how terribly comforting those strong arms looked...

Wait just a minute, Rarity! she scolded herself, blushing. Are you forgetting your breeding? Your heritage? You mustn't let yourself be pulled into romancing about a criminal! But inwardly, her heart fluttered every time she thought of him. She didn't want it to, but it did.

She was determined, though, to make a friend out of this stallion. Perhaps, I might even teach him to see the error of his ways! As she struggled to eat her toasted bagel and buttercup spread without use of her magic, she smiled inwardly. Perhaps I can make light of this experience.

Most of the day was spent playing Solitaire with some of the prison's cards, and thinking to herself how wonderful it would be when it was all over.

As night came once again, and Rarity found herself in the company of a crazed cellmate, who most obviously should have been held in a mental ward, the grim sadness settled for the second time over the white unicorn. The mare, uncomfortable in this new bed, restlessly tossed and turned. There wasn't even a mattress under which to tuck the blanket, frustrating Rarity to no end.

A dream came to her in the dead of night; Spike, coming to rescue her, in armor - telling her it was alright. She woke up with a start, and then hung her head. Had things gotten so bad that she was wishing for the baby dragon to be her savior? Trying to settle back into the comfort of sleep, Rarity imagined her five best friends, coming to save her, just as they had when she had been kidnapped by the Diamond Dogs.

This is just the same thing, isn't it? Rarity tried to reassure herself. I can get myself out of here... can't I? Just because I am a lady, doesn't mean... doesn't mean...

"...Doesn't mean I cannot handle myself." Rarity whispered to herself, a tear sliding down her cheek.

She closed her eyes.

And imagined Stone Blade.

A spark ignited inside of her. "Dear Celestia, am I crazy, or is this a mare's intuition...? I don't know why, but I believe that... becoming friends with that stallion..." Rarity's voice gained in volume, "is the key to my rescue!"

"Hey, you! Shut the heck up, will ya?! Some of us are trying to sleep!" shouted a voice from across the hall.

"I'm sorry if my inspiration disturbed you!" Rarity yelled back. At the moment, she didn't care that she wasn't being polite - she felt alive again.

But the next few days were extremely dissappointing for the mare; her morning excursion to the fenced yard were fruitless in trying to reunite with Stone Blade. Perhaps it was only a one-time thing? Rarity thought to herself, although she knew that if this were the case, the other ponies that she had seen before would not have been there.

Three days passed, with no sign of her new friend. Was it possible that he had already done his time? Was he being let free? Rarity contemplated this mysterious disappearance that afternoon in the cafeteria, as she was eating a tomato salad, when a familiar voice came from behind her.

"Well, well, well! If it isn't my old friend, Varsity!"

"...That's Rarity..." she muttered under her breath. Rarity was beginning to wonder if this orange mare had serious mental problems. She looked behind her to see the infamous Spider Sage and her cronies towering menacingly above her.

"Y'know, Varsity, for the past few days that we've been given to 'contemplate' our 'seriously violent actions' and 'trouble-making attitudes', we were thinking of you," Spider Sage told her.

"Is that right? How very thoughtful of you."

Drake pushed her way to the front of the group, "We were thinkin' 'bout how you just left us hangin' the other day, you weakling!"

Rarity stuttered in disbelief, "E-excuse me? I left you hanging?! I had no intention of rough-housing with you ponies! I had hardly even met you!"

"Yeah," Spider Sage growled, "well, think of that as a test. A test of your loyalty. And you flunked that test."

"So now, we're gonna pound you," stated Drake.

What. The rage at these ridiculous ponies bubbled inside of Rarity until she was steaming.

"You are going to beat me up?! Why, of all the - you three are absolutely insensitive! Ridiculous! Stupid! Uneducated! How dare you accuse a lady in such a manner of such a thing?! How dare you push the blame of your punishment onto me?! You know what? You deserve to be locked up forever in a dank dungeon, you annoying pests! I swear to Celestia, you are even worse than parasprites! And those things ate my designs! Well, at least the parasprites were comely - you three are just the most unfashionable, least-well-presented ponies I think I have ever laid eyes on! I have a mind to sent you to my finishing school when I was a filly - oh, but you would die there! I don't believe you have a single mannered bone on you...!"

The three ponies exchanged worried glances as Rarity continued her rant. The pain. The absolute pain. How long could she keep this up? How far could she stray from the main point?! How many big words could she use in one sentence?!

By the end of the night, neither Spider Sage, nor Drake, nor Iron Loop wanted anything to do with Rarity. Ever again.

Comments

[A Random Guy]

And that's how you avoid getting raped in jail!

[Lucefudu]

So... let's start the little review.

The chapters are really short, wich is a positive and also a negative. The positive part is that it's an easy read. The negative part is that maybe some aspects of the story itself could be more well-explored... if it has short chapters, then there's a lot of cutting and jumping to other parts of the timeline.

The story is going to unfurl further, so I'm avoiding getting to that point. But a thing that bugs me: the characters feel very fast-paced. Like they knew they were going to stay only one sentence or paragraph in the story, so they act accordingly. I don't know if I'm making myself clear, but I think that you need to slow down just a bit. I know it can be really cool to be writing your fanfic, but give it time, do not haste what needs further developing.

Well... I think that's about it for my short revision. I look forward to the end of this story, I hope you'll follow the advices that you deem worthy and don't follow the ones you don't deem worthy. After all, nobody can impose anything on anyone.

But it's very nice for a first fanfic.
Wait, it IS your first, right?
(Would I be an ass if I asked you to read 2 chapters of mine fic and to review them? Sorry if it troubles you)

[White-pawPony]

24188
Yeah. Actually, this is really hypocritical of me, because I absolutely HATE rushed stories.
The thing is about the short chapters... It gives me more time to really think over exactly how I want the story to go. And more chapter updates!
And thank you for your review. I do appreciate it, and I will take to heart your ideas.
And I will do my best to review your story when I find the time.

[Big-Mac-115]

"The three ponies exchanged worried glances as Rarity continued her rant. The pain. The absolute pain. How long could she keep this up? How far could she stray from the main point?! How many big words could she use in one sentence?!"

[White-pawPony]

24538
Yay! I'm glad I'm funny.

[Darkus-Moon-Shine]

Rarity uses complain..........super effected

[SweetieStar]

WOW.
and you say THIS is your first fic?
I DEMAND THE TRUTH
No srsly this can't be your first...IT JUST CAN'T
ok...I give you 100 points if this is true...

[Scully]

3961 hahahahaa that would have been funny

[Fluttershy]

Sweet Celestia. We must shove this in the wonderful face of Hasbro. Publish please?

Fluttershy:hear

[Fluttershy]

Oops. *face*

Fluttershy

[Darkus-Moon-Shine]

1266122 oh cool