It is the 41st Millenium, and ponykind sits upon the verge of annihilation at the hands of vicious aliens, heretics, mutants - and worse.
Ponykind wages war in the name of the God-Empress Faust, who guides the galaxy-wide territory of the Equestrium with an iron hoof and a burning spirit. Millions die in her name everyday, and millions will follow in their hoofsteps.
Enter the life of Twilight Sparkle, a soldier of the Equestrian Guard, and Applejack, a bio-engineered fighter of the Adeptus Astartes, who both exist in a world where to live is to be one against untold billions.
Forget the prospect of peace and understanding, for in these dark times there will be only war.
"Faust leads us in spirit. The Friendquisiton guides our actions.
Harmony shields us in battle.
Fear our name, for it is friendship." -Commisar Pinkie Pie
(Races inspired by Sanity-X on DeviantART.)
Good intro.
Rainbow Dash should have red power armor and vehicles and such. Because red ones go fasta.
1899520
I do believe I mentioned her bike being red. I'm well aware of the 'Red Paint-Job' upgrade, and will use it a lot in the future when dealing with Hogs.
1899544
ah. I must have missed that. fair enough.
One minor suggestion: instead of Hogs, call them Hogz, make them sound nice and Orky! Love their version of Waaagh!!! Very fitting.
DEEZE ORKZ SEEMZ RIOGHT ORKY TO ME! WAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Orkz iz made 4 rokkin, roight?
1899800
In the original draft I called them Hogz, but it just felt weird whenever ponies said it, so I decided to let only the Hogs themselves use the z.
Btw, Hoggits are the equivalent of Gretchin. Forgot to mention that.
1902456 Yeah, I figured it was either Gretchins or Snotlings...what is the Hogs equivalent to Snotlings?
1900115 Rokkin, fightin, and winnin! If we win, we win. If we getz killed, then Gork an' Mork will jus' puke us back up and we getz back to wot Orkz do best! If we run, we can jus' come back later fer anotha go wit more Boyz an' lotz more dakka!
1902912
I was tempted to call them Porks.
...You sir.
Have a gift... of sorts.
Interesting little story you've got going. The prose reads fairly well, though there are other issues. Your characters are... doing their own thing; at times they seem pretty close to canon, and others they're wildly out of character. And I'm wondering what the three different threads have to do with one another.
The biggest issue I'm having is with the continuity, though. Luna goes all Horus, and the mane 6 put her away. Then Twilight becomes the Emperor. Then Twilight dies. Then Faust becomes the Emperor. Now the mane 6 are back, with Twilight, Fluttershy and Pinkie as Imperial Guard, Applejack and Rarity as Marines, and Rainbow Dash is... an ork? I don't get it.
Still, enjoyable so far.
1962831
I knew something like this would become an issue.
See, it was just a little bit of the original draft that seemed to sneak by me, one I intend to fix now.
The real first Empress was Cadence.
The mane 6 did not live during the Crusades. They live in the 41st millennium. None of the show's events took place at any point in Equestria's history.
1962831
Also, you'll get it soon enough. Just give me a while longer to actually start chapter 4.
1977693
Well then you better fix that then.
1978843
Don't worry, my lord. It's fixed.
not bad