The mane 6 are now elders, but they aren't the mane 6 anymore. The mane 2. Granny Applejack and Granny Rainbow Dash are remaining, and they have their last adventure together.
To meet their friends again.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 25th Sep, 2012
- offline last seen Jun 27th, 2015
Angelic-Muffinz
Hi, I'm Chloe. I'm not much of a writer, but I want to be! That's why I'm here, so people can critique my work and help me improve for the next story.
Angelic-Muffinz
Joined 25th Sep, 2012 ·
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Hey I was surprised about how potent this story was even though it was so short, keep up the good work.
My reactions (as I read the story)
See, you were trying to make a quick tearjerker kind of fan-fiction, but the problem here is that you haven't delved at all into the real emotion behind Applejack and Rainbow Dash. It has been decades since they their young age. What could of possibly happened in all this time? How did they evolve in relationship and in society? What exactly happened to each of their friends that puts them all in this graveyard together again? So, SO much could of gone into this to make it that much more tragic for these two old mares to find each other and finally pass.
You wasted the opportunity for two aged mares, well past their prime, attempting a young mare's journey by trying to reach the 'hill'. There could of been so much trial, tribulation, and old memories from advancing in this journey. Finding landmarks and towns reminiscent of their past adventures and experiences. They could of met other ponies, whom have also grown old, or even meet their children.
In order to make a fan-fiction truly 'Sad', you need to explore the chasm of their minds, let us know what they feel. Don't leave it to our prior knowledge of the characters through the show, give us something to think about.
I'm struggling to understand what exactly killed them. Old age isn't actually considered a cause of death. There are many age-associated diseases like cardiovascular disease, cancer, arthritis, cataracts, osteoporosis, type 2 diabetes, hypertension and Alzheimer's disease, but since you never specified what caused them to pass, and for them to be fully aware that they were going to pass, just baffles me.
Yikes, I understand you were trying to represent the graves in this, but the alignment (most likely corrected by the site) makes it look like a mess.
This kind of wording makes Applejack look like a degenerate. I'm assuming everyone who reads this knows Applejack's accent, so I don't think such intentional misspellings are needed, especially when it makes the sentence incorrect:
"Rainbow Dash! You all up there?"
You
But... I suppose it is a nit-pick of mine, because I'm sure some readers don't really care.
All in all... This was mediocre... Very mediocre. In the mood of practice though, this is the kind of stuff you need to work on in order to make yourself a much better writer, and I encourage you to continue!
Sorry, but found this corny, and just didn't see it as sometime Dash would ever say.
Overly-Extensive Edit Activate!
Lets just start out with the beginning of the story where you begin with some dialogue. I like that you're trying to give every speaker a new paragraph, but that doesn't mean you need to push the enter button every single time a new person speaks. Parentheticals (the little bits of narration before, in between, or after dialogue) still go in the same paragraph with the speaker's actual lines. For example:
The above sentences don't need to be broken up and sound better when merged together. Also the caps lock isn't technically incorrect, but it seems better when you don't write entire sentences with it. Here's how I would write it (fixing a few other grammatical problems as well):
She used her tired, old muscles to travel over to the bottom of Cloudsdale. She used her mightiest and loudest voice to scream, "Rainbow Dash! You up there?!" She heard a door slam open, and a pegasus pony looked down at her on the ground.
Next, as I glance through the story, I notice that there are many grammatical errors when it comes to dialogue. A lot of commas are missing inside the quotes when the sentence comes to a pause and many instances of punctuation are ignored completely. The only things I can recommend for you is to go read up on the rules of dialogue and have an editor come and polish the various rough edges in this piece. That's really your only problem grammatically.
Now to look at the story from the viewpoint of the plot. I recognize that you were trying to write a tear-jerker quick-fic, but you have a few holes that strip away some emotions. I feel that Rainbow Dash and Applejack wouldn't drift apart so much that they would shed tears upon the sight of each other, especially if neither one seems for the worse. You also mention that AJ is close enough to walk over to Cloudsdale, subtly showing that she isn't that bad off. (Fun Fact: RD lives in a cloud house in Ponyville, not in Cloudsdale.) The two would probably see each other daily, granted they haven't moved residences or jobs, neither of which Applejack would do because of her family farm. Rainbow would probably stay in Ponyville unless she joined the Wonderbolts, which is never hinted at in the tale, making me believe she didn't.
A detail I'm going to nitpick a little is when RD considers going to the graveyard an adventure. I would stage the events so that they would be scheduled to go one last time to their friends graves. Also when they get there, Rainbow mentions that she wants to "give up." I feel a better approach to constitute them both dying is that they're sick or they're bodies are probably going to fail them soon. I wouldn't mention actually giving up.
A few final points follow. The gravestone thing was a mess. All I'm going to say is fix it or remove it. To be a true tear-jerker, I wouldn't include the final scene where they meet their friends. That bit can all be implied from just expressing why RD and AJ want to pass on. The story seems very very rushed. The best thing you can do is describe, describe, describe! The tale seems to be all dialogue and no action.
If you need an editor, I work for a group called Overly Extensive Editors. We thrive not only to only go over your work and fix everything grammatically, but we also want to give you advice on actual plot or style. We also want to get to know you personally, so consider this an offer. Check us out, and I promise you won't be disappointed.
-MasterFrasca99
PS: Never ever apologize for trying to write. It may be short, but at least it has effort in it.
1921058
Thank you very much for that!
Yes, i understand i have some errors in grammar. I'm not very good with that...(as you can probably tell)
.
I know it's a mess. But i didn't really see the final product until earlier today, so...
...Anyway, so...Yeah right now i'm a bit disheartened...
I just wanted to practice my skills on story-writing, being as in the past my stories have been...well, not the best.
Anyway, about Rainbow's house, i suppose i should have researched that before quickly assuming that it was in Cloudsdale. So, i blame myself for being an idiot.
Yes, i know Rainbow wouldn't give up on life, but if your old, you may feel useless. That's the effect i'm trying to put in here. But, what you say is true, so i suppose i could tweak it
...
Oh.
Well.
Um...
But eitherway, thanks for your advice and i'll be sure to check out your group.
~ Apple Split.
1920448
I know, i know. But RD is OLD. Tired, depressed. What person with a life like that would want to continue?
Time to tweak
1920058
Wow! Really? Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it
1925999 That's why pencils have erasers and stories have an edit button!
I would be honored to edit for you if you'd like that. I remember reading a few of your older stories, like the one about the pony with a rainbow mane, and you had some decent ideas. You just got beat down for grammatical mistakes. With an Editor sanding down the rough edges, I'm sure you could get quite a few followers.
-MasterFrasca99
1926524
You would really edit it for me? Sure! I'd love that!
1926617 Sure! I'm always eager to help out those who need it. (Plus I need a reason to procrastinate on my stories more
) If you want to discuss anything, our group has two other nice people who you can throw ideas at for commenting. If you don't want to do that, tell me what exactly you want me to do. I can offer a simple grammar sweep, a full sweep where I comment on actual plot points (even more thorough than my previous comment), or I could even help brainstorm ideas. Do whatever to contact me. My e-mail is in the group if you really want to be private about this. Whatever you'd like!
-MasterFrasca
1926644
I'm an open person, so i'm ok with saying it in public!
Well, i kind of need to help brainstorm ideas on my next story, but i have no idea what to do it about...
Oh, and some grammar help would be fine, too
I CAN'T HANDLE ALL THESE FEELS.
Real touching story you've written. Tugs at the heartstrings, most certainly.
1966509
You really think so? Thank you very much.
I'm really glad to hear that people are starting to like my stories! ^^