Chapter 1
Granny Applejack sighed in her rocking chair.
"Dearie me, hoo-ey, ah'm gettin' old" she pulled herself out of her rocking chair, hearing a few pops and cracks screech out of her back. She walked outside of the barn, staring up to her particular friends' house. She stared up at the fluffy, floating house, towering over every other little thing in Ponyville.
"Ah, Rainbow Dash, i haven't seen ya in forever...'" she sighed "I need to make the most of it, or i won't have any friends left".
She used her tired, old muscles to travel over to the bottom of the house. She used her mightiest and loudest voice to scream.
"Rainbow Dash! Are you up there?". She heard a door slam open. A pegasus pony looked down on the ground.
"Applejack? Is that you?" she asked, smiling at her old friend. Applejack nodded in delight, watching Rainbow Dash descend gracefully. Applejack hugged her friend.
"Oh Rainbow Dash, ah've missed you so much" she admitted, flashing a smile at her cyan friend, watching her smile back.
"Applejack, i've missed you, too. Sorry about not visiting, these tired, old bones won't do much good for travelling to far places" she laughed as she leaned in to hug her friend. After a while, they broke the hug, staring into eachothers eyes. Rainbow's magneta eyes gleamed, and just the sight of them made her giggle.
"Applejack, we aren't getting any younger, so how about we have one last adventure together?" Rainbow asked, smiling at her friend. Of course they weren't getting any younger, but they were definately old. Maybe too old for another thrilling adventure. They aren't like they were all those years ago. But it was Rainbow, her friend, she couldn't say no to her.
"Alrighty then, pardner. You got yourself a deal! Let's make this adventure great!" Applejack cheered, using as much energy as she could to lift onto her hind legs to let out a rear. They hoof-bumped and began walking to their destination.
"So? Where are we off to, Rainbow?" Applejack asked.
"You know that really high cliff with that graveyard on? Where only special ponies get buried?"
"Yes. Where everypony else got buried" After saying that, her memories reflected on how her friends died, most of them off old age, but for some, it was just pure risk.
"How about we travel there?" Applejack stood still for a moment. Applejack stared at Rainbow's perplexed face.
"You don't have to go if you don't want to, AJ" Rainbow assured, putting a foreleg around her friends' neck. Applejack shook her head.
"No" she said "I'd love to go on this little adventure with you Rainbow Dash" she added, giving another wide smile. Rainbow nodded and they both continued to walk, side by side.
Eventually, they reached the graveyard. There, they saw 4 gravestones. Their friends.
"Here we are" Applejack said, picking her hoof at the ground, depressingly. The orange pony nuzzled Rainbow, as she quickly glanced back at 4 grey gravestones that were beautifully lined up together with several different flowers on them. But that wasn't just it. Ontop of the stone, were their elements of harmony.
Magic, Kindness, Generosity and laughter. The elements were tightly sealed onto the stones, impossible to pull out. An orange glow reflected off Applejack. The sun was setting for another day. Rainbow lifted her head back and spread her wings out, feeling exhilarated. A breeze flowed past her.
"Can you feel that AJ?" She asked, wrapping one wing around her friend. She remained silent as she saw her friend, once again, tilting her head at her.
"I've always wanted to tell you something, AJ" Rainbow admitted, gulping. Applejack stood silent, watching her friend hesitate. "I...have cancer" she admitted, lowering her head as she slumped. Applejack's eyes widened and her jaw dropped.
"Cancer?" she repeated. "Why in Equestria did you keep that from me?" she asked, slightly raising her voice.
"I'm sorry, i didn't want you worrying over me"
"Well, that sure worked, didn't it?" Rainbow Dash felt guilt wash over her like a powerful wave. She repeated her apology.
"I'm sorry...". Tears formed in her eyes. AJ noticed a single tear cascade down her friends cheek, falling onto Fluttershy's grave. She nuzzled the pegasus, helping her calm down.
"Everything will be ok..." Applejack assured, recieving a nuzzle back. The twosome lied down, watching the sun finally set, and watched the ebony night approach, clearing the sky. Rainbow felt a sudden jolt in her chest. She bit her bottom lit and held her chest with her hoof. Applejack noticed this and began to worry about Rainbow's cancer.
"Rainbow? Are you ok?" she asked, getting no reply. "Rainbow!" she repeated. She noticed that her friend began to breathe heavily. She kept repeating the pegasus' name over and over, but never got an answer. Until finally, she spoke up.
"Looks like it's finnaly caught up to me" she admitted. "I've been fighting it for 6 years" she said, letting out a worn out laugh. To AJ, this definately wasn't the time for laughing. She felt angry with her friend. Why did SHE have to get cancer? Her last remaining friend. But she knew nothing could help it. It was time for Rainbow Dash to leave. To see her friends again.
"I understand, Rainbow Dash" she said, giving a weak smile. The pegasus looked at Applejack, seeing how she was doing her best not to cry.
"I'm so sor-" she was cut off. Applejack had put a hoof to her mouth.
"I know, Rainbow" it was silent for a minute. "I know". She gave her friend one last hug until she said "Goodbye, friend". Rainbow was about to say goodbye aswell, but there wasn't enough time. Cancer was too quick. Applejack watched her friend collapse to her side, her eyes slowly closing. Applejack couldnt't help but cry. Her last friend was gone. She was the only element of harmony left. Honesty. She pulled her old, scruffy, brown hat down to her face and bit her lip.
"Wanna know the honest truth? This sucks" she cried, leaning onto the cold, lifeless body. She didn't want to leave her friends' side, but she had to. Using all her strength, she pulled herself up. She walked off the graveyard, glancing back a few times until Rainbow was out of her sight, then she returned to the barn. To see her family. Applebloom trotted over.
"Howdy, Applejack!" she greeted, flashing a smile "What's wrong?". Applejack explained everything. Start to end. Once Applebloom had heard it, she started telling the story to ponies to whoever whenever. She wanted people to know what happened. Rainbow Dash's tragic death.
Months later, Applejack visited the grave once again. She saw a brand new gravestone placed at the side near Fluttershy. The inscriptions read:
Twilight Sparkle:
There's Magic
Inside Everypony
Rarity:
Generosity
was her
middle name
Pinkie Pie:
Spreading
Joy and
Laughter
Fluttershy:
Sharing
Kindness
Rainbow Dash:
The most
loyal a friend could be
Their elements stood proudly on their gravestones. The remaining pony stared at her friends, wondering where they were. But until it's her time, she'll never know.
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Hey I was surprised about how potent this story was even though it was so short, keep up the good work.
My reactions (as I read the story)
See, you were trying to make a quick tearjerker kind of fan-fiction, but the problem here is that you haven't delved at all into the real emotion behind Applejack and Rainbow Dash. It has been decades since they their young age. What could of possibly happened in all this time? How did they evolve in relationship and in society? What exactly happened to each of their friends that puts them all in this graveyard together again? So, SO much could of gone into this to make it that much more tragic for these two old mares to find each other and finally pass.
You wasted the opportunity for two aged mares, well past their prime, attempting a young mare's journey by trying to reach the 'hill'. There could of been so much trial, tribulation, and old memories from advancing in this journey. Finding landmarks and towns reminiscent of their past adventures and experiences. They could of met other ponies, whom have also grown old, or even meet their children.
In order to make a fan-fiction truly 'Sad', you need to explore the chasm of their minds, let us know what they feel. Don't leave it to our prior knowledge of the characters through the show, give us something to think about.
I'm struggling to understand what exactly killed them. Old age isn't actually considered a cause of death. There are many age-associated diseases like cardiovascular disease, cancer, arthritis, cataracts, osteoporosis, type 2 diabetes, hypertension and Alzheimer's disease, but since you never specified what caused them to pass, and for them to be fully aware that they were going to pass, just baffles me.
Yikes, I understand you were trying to represent the graves in this, but the alignment (most likely corrected by the site) makes it look like a mess.
This kind of wording makes Applejack look like a degenerate. I'm assuming everyone who reads this knows Applejack's accent, so I don't think such intentional misspellings are needed, especially when it makes the sentence incorrect:
"Rainbow Dash! You all up there?"
You
But... I suppose it is a nit-pick of mine, because I'm sure some readers don't really care.
All in all... This was mediocre... Very mediocre. In the mood of practice though, this is the kind of stuff you need to work on in order to make yourself a much better writer, and I encourage you to continue!
Sorry, but found this corny, and just didn't see it as sometime Dash would ever say.
Overly-Extensive Edit Activate!
Lets just start out with the beginning of the story where you begin with some dialogue. I like that you're trying to give every speaker a new paragraph, but that doesn't mean you need to push the enter button every single time a new person speaks. Parentheticals (the little bits of narration before, in between, or after dialogue) still go in the same paragraph with the speaker's actual lines. For example:
The above sentences don't need to be broken up and sound better when merged together. Also the caps lock isn't technically incorrect, but it seems better when you don't write entire sentences with it. Here's how I would write it (fixing a few other grammatical problems as well):
She used her tired, old muscles to travel over to the bottom of Cloudsdale. She used her mightiest and loudest voice to scream, "Rainbow Dash! You up there?!" She heard a door slam open, and a pegasus pony looked down at her on the ground.
Next, as I glance through the story, I notice that there are many grammatical errors when it comes to dialogue. A lot of commas are missing inside the quotes when the sentence comes to a pause and many instances of punctuation are ignored completely. The only things I can recommend for you is to go read up on the rules of dialogue and have an editor come and polish the various rough edges in this piece. That's really your only problem grammatically.
Now to look at the story from the viewpoint of the plot. I recognize that you were trying to write a tear-jerker quick-fic, but you have a few holes that strip away some emotions. I feel that Rainbow Dash and Applejack wouldn't drift apart so much that they would shed tears upon the sight of each other, especially if neither one seems for the worse. You also mention that AJ is close enough to walk over to Cloudsdale, subtly showing that she isn't that bad off. (Fun Fact: RD lives in a cloud house in Ponyville, not in Cloudsdale.) The two would probably see each other daily, granted they haven't moved residences or jobs, neither of which Applejack would do because of her family farm. Rainbow would probably stay in Ponyville unless she joined the Wonderbolts, which is never hinted at in the tale, making me believe she didn't.
A detail I'm going to nitpick a little is when RD considers going to the graveyard an adventure. I would stage the events so that they would be scheduled to go one last time to their friends graves. Also when they get there, Rainbow mentions that she wants to "give up." I feel a better approach to constitute them both dying is that they're sick or they're bodies are probably going to fail them soon. I wouldn't mention actually giving up.
A few final points follow. The gravestone thing was a mess. All I'm going to say is fix it or remove it. To be a true tear-jerker, I wouldn't include the final scene where they meet their friends. That bit can all be implied from just expressing why RD and AJ want to pass on. The story seems very very rushed. The best thing you can do is describe, describe, describe! The tale seems to be all dialogue and no action.
If you need an editor, I work for a group called Overly Extensive Editors. We thrive not only to only go over your work and fix everything grammatically, but we also want to give you advice on actual plot or style. We also want to get to know you personally, so consider this an offer. Check us out, and I promise you won't be disappointed.
-MasterFrasca99
PS: Never ever apologize for trying to write. It may be short, but at least it has effort in it.
1921058
Thank you very much for that!
Yes, i understand i have some errors in grammar. I'm not very good with that...(as you can probably tell)
.
I know it's a mess. But i didn't really see the final product until earlier today, so...
...Anyway, so...Yeah right now i'm a bit disheartened...
I just wanted to practice my skills on story-writing, being as in the past my stories have been...well, not the best.
Anyway, about Rainbow's house, i suppose i should have researched that before quickly assuming that it was in Cloudsdale. So, i blame myself for being an idiot.
Yes, i know Rainbow wouldn't give up on life, but if your old, you may feel useless. That's the effect i'm trying to put in here. But, what you say is true, so i suppose i could tweak it
...
Oh.
Well.
Um...
But eitherway, thanks for your advice and i'll be sure to check out your group.
~ Apple Split.
1920448
I know, i know. But RD is OLD. Tired, depressed. What person with a life like that would want to continue?
Time to tweak
1920058
Wow! Really? Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it
1925999 That's why pencils have erasers and stories have an edit button!
I would be honored to edit for you if you'd like that. I remember reading a few of your older stories, like the one about the pony with a rainbow mane, and you had some decent ideas. You just got beat down for grammatical mistakes. With an Editor sanding down the rough edges, I'm sure you could get quite a few followers.
-MasterFrasca99
1926524
You would really edit it for me? Sure! I'd love that!
1926617 Sure! I'm always eager to help out those who need it. (Plus I need a reason to procrastinate on my stories more
) If you want to discuss anything, our group has two other nice people who you can throw ideas at for commenting. If you don't want to do that, tell me what exactly you want me to do. I can offer a simple grammar sweep, a full sweep where I comment on actual plot points (even more thorough than my previous comment), or I could even help brainstorm ideas. Do whatever to contact me. My e-mail is in the group if you really want to be private about this. Whatever you'd like!
-MasterFrasca
1926644
I'm an open person, so i'm ok with saying it in public!
Well, i kind of need to help brainstorm ideas on my next story, but i have no idea what to do it about...
Oh, and some grammar help would be fine, too
I CAN'T HANDLE ALL THESE FEELS.
Real touching story you've written. Tugs at the heartstrings, most certainly.
1966509
You really think so? Thank you very much.
I'm really glad to hear that people are starting to like my stories! ^^