A month after the gryphon attack led by Gilda. Rainbow Dash and Applejack had lived happily in their relationship. But AJ's family turns her away for her affection to the cyan mare, and forces fueled by chaos gather to overtake the Mane Six. The sequel to Dive Bombs "Broken", a AppleDash ponyfiction.
Dive Bomb inspired me to make this sequel, and granted me permission. Dive is now also gone from ponyfiction, please read his stories, they are worth it I swear.
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Well, this could turn out to be something. It's fairly well-written so far. One thing that hits me is that you seem to switch back and forth with your tensing. Sometimes you have "she did this" and then you also have "she does this." Confusing the two can throw readers pretty easily. I would pay more attention to your tensing to make sure it's in past, not present. Mainly because that seems to be the intentional tensing: past.
Anyway, I'd like to see where you go with this.
Didn't notice I was doing that. Thanks a million
So far it looks good! Despite the small amount we've seen of them, Rainbow and Apples seem to have kept their personalities pretty well intact from Broken, which is awesome!
The only thing I can think of to improve upon this would be making Granny Smith a little more in character. I don't mean by making her accepting of them being together... that would obviously negate the plot... no what I mean is making her a little less lucid and more senile. It makes it hard for me to picture Granny without her getting everything mixed up and discombobulated (god damn.... spellcheck says that is actually a word.), this could easily end up in the same place and feel a lot more authentic if she didn't immediately pick up on the situation you know? I just mention it because by necessity, she is going to have to be a huge part of the story, and you might want to keep it in mind.
1847279 Thanks for the comment. Constructive criticism is always welcome.
(Joke) Alt. Title: Zkkovwzhs Droo Mvevi Wrv
Also:
Griffons SUCK!
19539174.bp.blogspot.com/-DdS_KNIIPWQ/UFn5084WSvI/AAAAAAAABlE/UOPCHdsxIOQ/s1600/134797839482.jpg
1954237
LOL wut?
1954547 You said that griffons suck, I replied with my opinion on your statement as viewed in image macro form.
1954553
I know but...
I always get confused everytime I see that picture.
EVEN WHEN I GOOGLE SEARCH IT!!
1954564 It's spiderman and ponies, not that hard to understand
1954569
I know but...
What shit are they seeing?!
1954580 Anything the poster of that image replies to
1954611
Oh...
I thought they were watching to people having violent sex!
You're doing wonder-fly, my only criticism is try to make longer chapters.
1958163 As the story progresses they will get longer. The third chapter will be longer I believe
I digging this story so far. Yeah, there is the matter of Broken's epilogue but, oh well I'm (unless you alter the story so it fits) reading this as a sort of Sequel/Alternative Ending type thing. :D Keep up the good work and thanks for continuing Broken's story line.
1961740 I've taken the Epilogue in consideration, and I have a few ideas, which will develop over time. As of right now though I'm working on another fiction. But thanks for your feedback.
2045962 Yes I did enjoy the picture, thought it fit the mood of the story.
I'm going to miss Dive. :/
With that said, I really enjoyed this chapter. :)
3107324 Thank you for the support. If you noticed that half way through I tried to put more dialog and detail into what I'm doing than the previous half, that is where I took my nearly one year break with this thing. I really want this fiction to be something special.
Ok so loving this sequel so far and I am so happy it has been updated again. I have a few tips for you.
1. there are quite a few spelling and grammar errors, my advice is get a proofreader. You can do this yourself but it is not recomended as you are more likely to miss things. I could go through all the chapters and PM you the fixes if you want cause personally I hate seeing people correct things in the comments.
2. I read this in a guide to writing Fanfics (I am trying to start writing my own but i just can't get any good ideas) try to avoid using the phrases "Luna's Moon" and "Celestia's Sun" they are tacky.
3. from the same guide (i will try and find it again for you) try to steer clear of "the Purple Mare syndrome." You did it a bit in the very beginning and that's okay. What "Purple Mare syndrome" is is constantly referring to a pony by describing them rather than using their name. I only bring this up because you did it a bit in the very first chapter where IMO it isn't very appropriate. this is a sequel to a story, we know what characters it is about, there is no need for that air of mystery.
Anyway that's my 2 cents. if you want me to proofread for you i can do that for sure. but great fic so far
3110329 Thank you for that, I do solely write this on here, so If you would like to whap me on the nose a few times with a news paper before release, go ahead. I use those phrases because I like them, but I can vary it out, and purple mare syndrome is tricky I admit, but I was taught that you don't need to always use names. I guess what I'm saying is with School and work I'm kind of rushed between sessions, so quality will go down.
3111114 and that's fine I was just trying to make you aware so you don't over do it
3111506 Hey, the jobs open man. You'll just receive no pay, no insurance and no retirement. But you will be given credit for proofreading and bopping me in the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
3112164 aright well i would do it now cept i'm tired so tomorrow ill go through the story and grab all the errors and hit you with them.
3112457 well, I can see me being busy with my crap writing xD
So the sad tag definitely is deserved here and that's a good thing because I love powerful emotion in my story. I think this is the first appledash fic I have read that Granny Smith is so harsh.
3247157 Thanks for the support! I kinda hit a brick wall with that when I first started because Granny is usually so senile, but I kept thinking I need to make this sad, so I made it so Cider Season is near. The most stressful time for Granny. Just a little insight
GOD... I forgot the story to Broken, all I rember is that I had my phone read it to me almost a year ago. Hope to see more of this either way though! :D