NOTE: This is my first ever story. I apologize to any readers who looked at the character and content tags to find that so far there is no relevant content here to said tags. This will be a long story and those tags will prove relevant as more chapters are published. And I will be inventing locations.
This is the story of a young Unicorn. A young unicorn who at the age of eighteen, finds herself a nomad, an outcast, a blank flank. But when an ancient prophecy starts to come to light, the stability of the land of Equestria finds itself hanging in the balance.
This unicorn, so long putting herself out of the eyes of society, must stand up to this evil. She must, for the good of everything she loves and holds dear.
And when she does, she will discover so much about herself that she never knew was possible...
- Member Since 27th Nov, 2012
- offline last seen Nov 19th, 2017
V8UC-UNICORN
Hi guys, I'm back after four years absence. :)
V8UC-UNICORN
Joined 27th Nov, 2012 ·
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Chapters (5)
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Lolwut
Actually, I ask myself why I didn’t order a Big Mac with fries, but go on.
No need for the capitalization here
We’ve got a lot of stories like this already...
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lrwt04l0ED1qjst6go1_500.gif
cdn.head-fi.org/a/a0/294x294px-LL-a0823f7c_Oh-Boy-here-we-go-again.jpeg
Need a comma between “wood” and “and”
Damn, she must be wearing her lucky panties.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/28853689.jpg
Better to use bold, or italics to signify this.
Alas.
Ok, so not bad. Not the best thing ever, and some of your sentences seemed awkward. Just fix the things I pointed out, and enjoy!
-Regidar, Top Commenter, signing off.
1811605 OK. Possibly the most lengthy comment I've ever seen, but OK. I'm somewhat tired at the time of writing, it's very early in the morning, so I'm not making any changes just yet. Don't get me wrong though. I am looking at what you're saying and I will of course be editing to make things work better. Thanks for reading!
*Debesh cracks his neck.*
Reidgar seems to have beaten me to the punch, but let's see if I can provide some insights he hasn't.
Story descriptions are for two things. The first is to let people know what the story is about, and the second is to get them to read your story. Anything that isn't fulfulling one of these two purposes doesn't belong in the description and should instead be in an A/N in a blog post or comment on the story. Trimmed down, your description looks like this:
The second version is a rough edit to fix up a lot of the awkward phrasing and grammar problems.
Now, there's a lot of grammar and spelling issues, so I'd suggest getting yourself a proofreader or going over your story yourself. One thing you should do is read your story out loud; doing this will let you catch the vast majority of the errors you make, even if it sounds a bit silly at first. Trust me.
Oh dear. Oh dear. Alarm bells are going off, dear author. Your name is the same as your OC... and while this is possibly harmless, it suggests that you have an unhealthy emotional attachment to your character, and it's one of the signs of a Mary Sue.
Might want some sort of decoration to make it obvious it's a transition. I've seen a lot of variants, but they can be pretty simple. For example...
Just something like that.
If you're telling us she's there, though, you don't need a scene transition like that ;P
Umm... why? The Everfree is full of monsters, from manticores to cockatrices to dragons; how has a pony lived there for years without getting attacked by a single one?
Not really much here for me to review, and I'm going to have to warn you to be careful; the stars are aligning and it seems that your character could very easily become a Mary Sue here. Get yourself a proofreader and keep on writing; I'll keep half an eye on this.
- Debesh Unnos, Mercenary Reviewer
1814952 Yes, thanks for your comments. The first thing I would like to say is that, while I totally see what you mean about my username, I feel that this is my choice. I'm sorry, but I simply feel that as a username, as long as there is nothing offensive within it, then it is nothing to complain about. If it turns out that ones username is the same as their OC, does this truly have to mean there is some kind of strange attachment, or perhaps merely a simple online title to serve as a means of identification? Sorry. Feel free to answer, for as long as the discussion is intelligent I have no problem with hearing any criticism. This of course is an essential thing to be able to take if I am to get any better.
As for what you say of the rest of what I currently have published, please understand that I completely agree with your points. I know that there is a lot of editing I need to do. A proofreader is a great idea! I shall try to find one.
As for that point you made about the creatures that we know live in the Everfree Forest, I am not trying to deny their existence. Quite the opposite, in fact. I know this may not sound like the case from what you read, but I'm trying my best. Another point I'd like to make here is that, if a pony can't live in the Everfree Forest, then why is Zecora able to? I know she's technically not a pony, but aside from being a zebra, what real difference exists between her and a pony? Perhaps I sound stupid here, but that is simply what I think.
Anyway, I guess to sum things up, I totally understand and indeed appreciate what you have to say. It will not be forgotten. Thank you.
1815966
There's nothing wrong with having the same username as your OC. Hell, I do too (kinda the other way around, but whatever). The problem is that when your favorite OC is also the main character of your story, there's always the risk that you'll let your attachment to her get in the way of a good story. Just keep it in mind and you should be alright.
I live to serve.
1811605....... I've seen you somewhere before...... And Debesh Unnos...... Whatever. MLP Germanica is English, by the way. But since you didn't point out the "mummy" and the "mum" you might've already guessed as much. Or you thought that this was intentional to signify Germanica's age, which could be very possible indeed. I just had to say something because you are extremely familiar..................
Cheers,
- Fellstar
1816439 I feel like an idiot! Of all the things to fail to point out, my nationality. One that plays the mightiest of havoc with Trans-Atlantic communication, at that!
1816439 I should be, for I am god.
And now for my actual thoughts and feelings associated with this story thus far...
Alright! Well I think the story is fantastic so far! The connections between Germanica and her mother, Calla Lily, is so far well written. You put an appropriate emphasis on this, and seems to be leading the reader (me/others) to get a feel of foreshadowing, which I like. And since I think you are foreshadowing, (you are, aren't you?) which is by all means a good sign. If your story has the reader thinking, then that means it is interesting. Arguing in any direction, and it has obvious reasons of interest. Now to Germanica.
I like how well you described her. It really caught me off guard with how detailed you got in your description of her. And it is a nice change that the family is centered around pholia. I mean, most of my ideas for things are magical and ancient, which are TWO things unoriginal. And finally, I must say once more, that setting the reader up with multiple cases of foreshadowing really makes him/her want to read the rest once it's out!
Keep up the imaginative work,
- Fellstar
P.S. (Using subtle instances of foreshadowing is also fun!)
1816454 'Tis a simple mistake! It's no big deal, really.
1816473 But a Knight of Irony does not believe in such things as, "gods." We believe in the realm of physical perception and mental exertion. Meaning: We only believe in what we can prove, and we love to question everything.
1811605;lol, did you put enough tim3 int0 reading over the entire story and you must also remimber that he is A STUPID BRIT THAT NO-ONE LIKES!!!(we are actualy friends lol)
1822922 Your sentence hurt my eyes.
The plot is thickening. No, not THAT plot!
- Fellstar
1828030 Funny!
Anyone who read this and saw it bold, I apologize. I made the mistake of pressing the bold icon instead of the italic icon when I was publishing this chapter.
Yes, I'm silly like that!
Anyway, it's now been fixed and reads in italic, as I've been using to show a characters thoughts instead of verbal dialogue.
oops! For some reason I was writing this thinking Angel was female. Of course, he's not! That's been fixed now and I hope that's the last major error I make in this chapter. *sighs*
OK, I just want to ask that if anypony spots any errors with grammar in this or any other chapter that I'm yet to rectify, please send me a PM or leave a comment on the relevant chapter. I made a few mistakes in the last chapter, so any help will be greaatly appreciated!
Just remember though that when it comes to spellings, I do tend to use those of my native Britain, so if any Americans or other nationalities think they spot a spelling error, be sure to check that it isn't the British version of the word first. Not to sound offensive or anything, but I've more than once sent a message to an american friend on Xbox Live with what are to him funny words with odd spellings. I speak only out of experience when pointing this out.
Thanks in advance.
--MLP Germanica
C'mon, let's hit those three digit numbers everypony! Thanks to all those who took the time to read this. I don't deserve it, honestly!
--MLP Germanica
Finally! It has been too long since I last published a chapter! I ask the same as before: If you spot any grammatical or spelling errors please point them out. Thanks.
Nice Zecora word play there, really exceptional.
-Fellstar
2396362 Thanks. I was really scared about writing dialogue for Zecora, what with all the blasted rhyming! Still, she is one of the main characters so I'll be working with rhymes a lot for this story.
What have I let myself in for...
2396377
You've put yourself in an amazing experience, that's what you have done. Great work, it's really starting to get interesting now.
-Fellstar
2396396
