Ten years in the future the world has been through some tough times. Such as a Diamond dog rebellion. And an invasion of demons. but just when the world is recovering from such dark times it seems a new threat is about to appear, could the rumors from the south be true? Could there be a plague threatening to wipe out life in Equestria?
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Hmmm... Interesting.
Good, but I'd like to be a bit more in touch with the characters. What is Heir-Apparent's personality? What does he look like? If his commanders are going to be important parts of the story, what are they like? I'd also like it if Big Mac was mentioned at some point during the actual battle, as it seemed Heir-Apparent put him right into it. The makeshift council room could also use some more description, I think.
So yeah, just some more elaboration to help us get in touch with the characters and setting more.
133034 Character dev will come in the next few chapters. this is just to set the stage.
133034 There I described the frickin' room!
Nice! Don't take this the wrong way, but it was much better than the first chapter. A few things, though:
1. This may just seem mean, but a random link to an image of a cutie mark is seen as a bit unprofessional. It's probably better to just get rid of the link and have people see it how they think it is.
2. The dream didn't have enough impact. I'm not sure if there were supposed to be crowds in the throne room at the time the assassin came in, but if there were supposed to be, there was no mention of them. If there were no crowds, there probably should be, as it's more shocking that he killed Celestia in broad daylight in front of all these ponies. Also, you should say something about how Celestia reacts, as you have made it seem right now that she just sat there and did nothing.
3. I don't get why Heir-Apparent wants to lessen Big Mac's hatred of the Diamond Dogs. IIRC, in Warcraft 3, the Orcs (Diamond Dogs) were seen as being on a lower level of sentient beings compared to Humans (Ponies). Since the Diamond Dogs are the enemy, and Heir-Apparent should theoretically view them as lesser beings, I don't see why Heir-Apparent wants Big Mac to be more merciful on them. There is always the chance that Big Mac just goes blind with rage, but that's not a horrible tactic for a commander to use.
4. It seems kinda stupid to think that after all this bickering has gone on for an hour, when Heir-Apparent hears an idea that's slightly better than the rest, he immediately lets that pony lead the command. At least make him elaborate more on his plan. Also, by an hour's time, don't you think Heir-Apparent or Stormy Soul would've come up with an idea themselves? They are commander and lieutenant, after all.
There are also still a few grammatical mistakes, the most common being "Blah blah." Said/said Pony X, instead of "Blah blah," said Pony X.
Also, you said you described the room in Chapter 1's comments. To me, Chapter 1 looks the same as before. Still, great job, and I'm looking forward to improvement from you.
183049 1 I had an image in the google docs but it didn't translate onto this site so I linked to the image instead.
2 I mention the servants herding everypony out. And if you where familiar with warcraft 3 it would have made more sense.
3 Heir lessens Mac's hatred so he can use him as a weapon instead of Mac just charging in and dying.
4 I agree that Heir might have made a mistake. but then again so does Storm doesn't he.
I think I made a change to the first chapter but it might still be in g docs.
Read the name. Warcraft 3 reign of pony *edit* Meaning I am still open to suggestions on the building of the story. I am not worried about going back and changing things because that's what you ponies think would be better. I would like to see feedback of this sort, it A. helps me become better at writing through constructive criticism. B. if I edit the story then it is probably better and more enjoyable for the public. I thought I had a C but I guess that's it.
Who wants me to add a combat scene instead of skipping it?
183258 In chapter 1? Yes, I think that would be a good idea. Everything seemed over a bit too quickly.
183703 good I will then.