Unity, or A Great Day for Freedom
The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
Twilight waited impatiently at the designated meeting spot - a canyon with a roaring river beneath it - and strained her eyes for any signs of her friends. She sighed, realizing that they had all either ignored her or chosen not to come.
"Hiya, Twilight!" shouted a certain physics-breaking pony.
Startled, Twilight turned to face Pinkie and was quickly embraced by her old friend. Twilight released her and stepped back, noting her friend's appearance out of sheer habit. She looked better than she had after the... incident with the Cakes, but still had that slight melancholy appearance about her. Pinkie's hair was still a bit flat, but she had definitely perked up upon receiving Twilight's letter.
"It's so good to see you, Pinkie."
"You too!"
Pinkie bobbed from side to side, anxiously waiting for the others to arrive. A small voice spoke quietly over Twilight's shoulder.
"Um... hi, Twilight."
Though she was more shocked at the pegasus' sudden appearance than Pinkie's, Twilight betrayed no signs of her fright as she slowly turned around and wrapped Fluttershy into a tight hug.
"Hi, Fluttershy, I'm glad you came."
"Of course I came, what kind of friend would I have been if I hadn't? It's partially my idea, too."
Grinning widely, Twilight nodded her assent. "That's right, and a very good suggestion it was, too. I'm... actually a bit embarrassed that I hadn't thought of it myself."
"Don't feel bad, Twilight. It was Pinkie's letter that reminded me, really. She was the one who originally told you all about it, and I figured she'd be on board with it."
Pinkie suddenly jumped in front of Fluttershy, causing to her to wince in fear. "And you were right, Flutters! I can't believe I'd forgotten about it!"
A familiar orange mare and a cerulean pegasus appeared on the horizon, chatting amiably to each other.
"Hey!" Pinkie yelled to them. She jumped up and down, waving both hooves in the air. "Over here, AJ! Come on, Dashie!"
Both ponies looked surprised. Glancing at one another, they let out a laugh and ran to the rambunctious earth pony. Rainbow enveloped the Pinkie and the rest of the girls in her good wing.
"Hey guys, what's up?"
"Howdy, everypony."
Pinkie's eyes shone, and she scrunched up her face. "D'aww, you two look so cute together! I'm going to call it the RainbowJack! No, wait, the AppleRainbow! No, wait..." The perfect term suddenly dawned on Pinkie, and she visibly brightened. "AppleDash! Yes! That's it! AppleDash!" she sang, prancing around the couple, both of which facehoofed at the whole ordeal.
"Hey, Applejack?"
"Yeah, Rainbow?"
"Same old Pinkie." Both started laughing, the others quickly joining in. All of a sudden, Twilight froze, panic gripping her.
"Where's Rarity?"
A hush fell on the group of ponies. Fluttershy looked slightly uncomfortable, while Rainbow Dash and Applejack looked at each other without saying a word. Pinkie had a huge grin on her face.
"Don't worry, she'll be here!"
"Pinkie... there's no way you could possibly know that!"
"Yes, there is! Didn't you read the last chapter?"
"What?"
"Never mind, you'll see! Rarity should be here in a few minutes!"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Sure, Pinkie, sure."
"Hello, my little ponies."
"Princess!" five voices shouted in unison, their owners bowing low.
The princess of the sun chuckled. "Rise, my little ponies. I have come to wish you luck. I realize that you have been planning this for some time, but I can assure you all that you have my full support in this endeavor."
Twilight hugged her. "Thank you," she whispered into her mentor's ear. "It means a lot to us that you are here now." She fell silent, allowing a single tear to fall, before stepping back and returning to her friends.
"Luna sends her regards," stated Princess Celestia, "but she had more pressing matters to attend to. She regrets that she could not be here, but instead sends you all her best wishes."
Fluttershy smiled. "That's okay, Princess. She knew that we would understand."
Celestia beamed before adopting a somewhat amused tone. "Discord... also would have liked to be here, considering where you are going, but I refrained him from doing so, seeing as how he has yet to patch up the hole he created in the throne room."
Rainbow smirked. "Oh boy. What did he do this time?"
"Apparently, he thought it was good idea to light a bathtub full of peanut sauce on fire. Unfortunately, the incendiary capabilities of said peanut sauce proved to be catastrophic."
Applejack guffawed. "Oh, shoot! He was makin' peanut bombs? Ha-HA!"
Celestia gave a polite smile. "Yes... anyway, he's fixing the damage as we speak." Celestia paused, head tilted in thought. "Oh, that's right! He wanted me to give this to Pinkie Pie," she remembered, producing a fluffy, pink cloud.
Pinkie gasped in shock. "For me? Yes yes yes!" She danced around in ecstasy and cut through the cloud, causing it to spill chocolate milk from its inside. Wallowing in the delicious dairy product, she cheered wildly. The others laughed, and even Celestia cracked a smile.
"Hello, girls! Oh, you all look marvelous!"
"Rarity!" The fashionista was quickly bombarded by five multicolored ponies, and she fought valiantly for a breath.
"We were worried that you weren't going to be here," remarked Fluttershy.
"Yes, well... I had indeed considered it, but I've broken free of my selfish lifestyle," said Rarity proudly. "I'm ready for the journey-" She paused and pulled out a pair of fancy sunglasses. "-Of a lifetime."
"Yeaaaah!" shouted a bulky albino pegasus from nearby.
Celestia cleared her throat. "My little ponies, I believe it is time."
They nodded, and Twilight stepped forward. "Goodbye, Princess. You probably won't hear from us again, so I guess this is it." She nuzzled her teacher, who returned the gesture. "Thank you for everything that you've done for us, Princess."
"Not at all, my most faithful student. Take care of your friends for my sake."
The purple unicorn smiled. "Of course, Princess."
As the other equines said their last goodbyes, a skinny pegasus in a swell hoodie approached Twilight. "Take care of yourself, Twilight."
The mare in question raised an eyebrow. "Do I... know you? You look familiar."
The red-maned pony shook his head. "We've never met, but I caught wind of your plan from a gray mailmare. Just... watch out, okay?"
Twilight shrugged. "Will do!" she replied.
The stallion released a breath. "Thanks. Good luck!" he called, flying away.
"Twilight!" yelled Rarity. "We're ready!"
Snapping out of her daze, Twilight pivoted to face the alabaster unicorn. "Okay, then. Everypony ready?" she asked, receiving nods all around. "Alright, Rainbow. You first."
The pegasus nodded and approached the edge of the canyon. Inhaling deeply, she flapped her wings once, twice, and dove straight down. Twilight nodded. "You're next, AJ."
Applejack backed up and took a running leap off the edge. Fluttershy then flew down, much like Rainbow had. Pinkie, ever the enthusiastic one, cartwheeled to the edge and did a backflip over the side. Rarity was next, performing a graceful dive as she leapt from her position.
Twilight pushed her mane out of her face, and shared one final glance with Princess Celestia, who merely nodded and flew away, presumably to check on Discord's progress. Twilight sighed, steeled herself, and jumped.
When the child-like view of the world went, nothing replaced it, but that doesn't mean it ever left.
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river
Forever and ever
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2309934 What do you think? Read the last line again (not the lyrics)
DID THEY JUMP OFF A FUCKING CLIFF?!
You'd best be trolling.
2310031 See the above comment.
2310038 They jumped into another dimension?
Also, I just realized that all the chapters contain verses from High Hopes....HELL YEAH
This... this is the end? I thought a reunion party was being planned... And when did Celestia find out about the gathering of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony? I will admit, I wasn't quite expecting this, and the ending, really this entire chapter, left me confused.
I know the song "Signs of Life" ties in somehow, with the voices in the song being quoted in the story, but I just don't see the common thread that ties all the chapters together. Other than the obvious, that being the Mane Six getting back together after a period of separation.
Though I did like the Discord reference, that was a nice nod to recent happenings in the show itself.
And there was one small error, if you care to correct it:
I believe you accidentally put two "and's" there.
2310289 Allow me to clarify some things:
Funny... I don't remember mentioning a "reunion party." Twilight's actions in the first chapter implies that she tells Celestia.
Good, that means I'm doing my job right.
"Signs of Life" is actually a very fitting song for the end, and the last line is important, too. The common thread was that of sadness and years gone by, only to reunite and venture off together. Technically, I could have made this a one-shot, and I almost did, but I wanted the readers to see every side of the Mane Six's story.
I'm glad you liked the Discord reference, but it was actually a reference to something else.
And thanks for the catch. Fixed.
2310341 Okay, I must've misunderstood something near the beginning, my mistake.
...and I'm supposed to be confused? Is there going to be a sequel?
Yeah, I understand how the song fits. I also understand that the entire story is based of off "High Hopes." So it's all just a reunification of the Mane Six to begin adventuring again? That's what I already said, I presume the story goes no deeper than that?
2310417 WHY CAN'T I GET A STRAIGHT ANSWER
...
...
...
...I just want to enjoy the story...
2310429 Aw, don't feel sad.
No one gets it yet, but you will in time.
2310445 timelinecoverbanner.com/cliparts/wp-content/digital-scrapbooking/annoyed-im-watching-u.png
2310453 Broken.
2310503 Why can't I do anything right?!?
2310862 That's the end to this story, but it's not the last we'll see of this particular Mane 6.
That was the second happiest suicide I've ever seen. (The happiest)
Really, it was kind of too happy. There were no feels at all. I was just left kind of like "Huh, alright." When I would have expected "No! Oh dear Celestia no!"
That being said, I have a distinct feeling you've got something up your sleeve.
2314669 I never said it was suicide, did I?
2314675
You're up to something...
2314680 You didn't read my latest blog post, did you?
Kalash93 here from WRITE delivering the requested review for The Division Bell by FloydienSlip
Initial impressions were good. However, it went downhill after a good first chapter.
Criticism sledgehammer inbound!
You started out with a solid concept: the mane six have drifted apart and Twilight Sparkle has a plan to get them back together. Aj issue I noticed almost immediately was the dialogue. The characters have an alarming tendency to speak in the same style. That might be less of a problem if the style seemed like one they'd use on the show. A good part of it seems unusually grandiose for them. There was an early part where Pinkie Pie was speaking like Rarity trying to be fancy. Applejack was done alright, as were Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. However, Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity were not written so well.
The single biggest issue with this story was the plot, in that you didn't seem like yours very much. You started out with Rarity moving away and the rest of the mane six drifting apart. However, things seemed to get fairly incomprehensible shortly after that. The single biggest problem was that you jumped around like a hare running hurdles. Slow down! Introduce your setting and scenario before you fling us around. It got really confusing and broke not only immersion, but the flow and pacing. It would have been forgivable if the flashback segments made any sense in context, but I had no idea what you were trying to do. They were incredibly distracting ,especially considering just how much of the story they consumed. You seemingly tried to connect them to the story, but they just didn't have much linking them. I feel that these could have been released as an anthology or as a series of oneshots. Your plot got more incomprehensible as time went on. How did Princess Celestia know what was going on? Why do you allude so much to things you never reveal or explain? Don't make things, such as what happened with the cakes, seem like major plot threads if you are never going to deliver any payoff on them! Again, it just got really confusing and was a serious obstacle to enjoying your story. What you were trying to do with the flashbacks might have worked better in a longer story, but they ate up far too much of your eleven thousand words. I would have rather that you stuck in the present, or at least not gone very far back or far away. Applejack's parents were definitely too much to as for, as was Fluttershy's childhood. All I have to say is that they were completely unnecessary and distracting. Admittedly, however, Fluttershy's flashback was an interesting idea. You could develop a nice short piece based off of that. Keep things immediate when you are trying to weave interconnecting plot threads. Start filling plot holes and work on foreshadowing. Otherwise, the end result will be annoyingly incoherent.
Your characterization was hit and miss, which really weakened your emotional torque. The early characterization was fine, but again, it went downhill the longer the story continued. You didn't spend enough time developing any one character to make us care sufficiently. Fanfiction grants you some mercy in that department, but it's still up to you to ultimately make the reader care. You tagged the story as sad. Did it strike me as sad? No. It was melancholic, but not really sad. I think that it's a slice of life piece with some sad and dark elements to it. You made a lot of attempts at tugging at the heartstrings, but the emotional impact was rather dull. A lot of the things you tried to do seemed like cheap shots. You don't need to do all these things to create feels, comrade! Your premise is that Twilight Sparkle is trying to bring her friends back together after they drifted apart following a break in their circle. That's enough to tell a good somber story. Focus on how the characters wish to bring back the past but cannot bear to reopen old wounds or think that there's no hope for them to regain what was lost. Sadness comes from identifying closely with a character and their problems. The first two chapters were best in that regard because there was a focused narrative with a lot of attention placed on Twilight Sparkle. However, it fell apart because you couldn't maintain focus. The appropriate feeling of loss was missing. Try to compare the good things that a character used to have versus the emptiness they now have. Unless you are telling either an epic story or an anthology, pick a character, or focus group, and stick with them.
Pacing was dreadful. The narrative felt rushed at some points and sluggish at others. Your style is terse and uses a lot of summarization. However, you tried to make some scenes drag on. The result was that this felt like the skeleton of what was meant to be a much longer piece, but the author lost patience and decided to just hurry things along without consideration for how that would affect the narrative as a whole. You just had way too much going on in far too little space. Match your scope to your length.
Deserved praise inbound!
Your mechanics were certainly better than average. You avoided many common mistakes and misspellings. However, you only need a comma for coordinating conjunctions when you connect two independent clauses. Also, some of your early diction is a bit awkward and strange. Go back and give your first three chapters a look.
The story concept is a good one. I like the twist on making the mane 6 want to get back together because they want to be friends instead of out of necessity because they have to save Equestria. The idea of using letters and keeping the readers in suspense was quite a nice one. However, I do not feel that this device was used to its full potential. There could be uncertainty over what happens next and whether or not the others even want their friendship back.
The ending was rough. However, it is excellent sequel bait. I'll give you props for setting up for a sequel in a way that we won't forget. The ending alone saves your story from being forgettable, but just barely.
For your first fanfiction, this is not that bad. You can leave the cover art the way it is, by the way. However, due to the numerous issues I pointed out, I can only award you 4/10 flutteryays, which leaves you just on the low end of okay. Write more, practice, read more, and you will improve.
fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/349/3/9/reviewer_logo_cropped03_01_by_burrakupansa-d5o3ie0.png
Kalash93, WRITE's sarcastic gunman.
2315976 Thank you for this well written critique. I think that, after the first chapter of the sequel is written, I will do a rewrite of the last five chapters. You're right when you said that I didn't like my plot: after the first couple of chapters, I had no idea which direction the story was going in. To be fair, though, each chapter was supposed to focus on one of the Mane Six, but I could have done a lot better in that regard.
Once again, thanks for reviewing this. If you read it, I hope you enjoy the sequel when it comes out!
While I do agree that there were some plot holes and I really did enjoy this story and I anticipate the sequel and hope that you will fill in some of these holes definitely better than my first (and currently only) fic
2340273 Thanks for your comments, and I hope you enjoy the sequel!
2343874 When is it going to be released?
2345280 Should be before the 11th of April.
2346539 Can't wait but I guess I'll have to. Is it gonna be all at once or one chapter at a time?
2346757 One at a time, with a possible prologue and first chapter to start.
So I read this. I'm half tempted to believe there is nothing deeper because of your responses, but at the same time I think if there was a sequel this could be particularly interesting.
3739018 A sequel was indeed in the works, but I decided to scrap it, mostly because the plot I had come up with was too contrived to be a good read. To be honest, Kalash's review above is probably the most accurate criticism I've ever received for anything, particularly this.
3739031
That was a frighteningly fast reply considering the last comment was over half a year ago. (I suppose that is what happens when noises occur)
Yeah, that review pretty much hit the nail on the head. In spite of that, I'd suggest writing more, if only because it is almost always better to be making stuff than not making stuff regardless of one's skill level.
3739041 I am writing more, actually. I got another thing I'm working on (actually, it uses the sequel's page, and I can't get rid of the likes on it), but I agree with you. Practice makes... well, not perfect, but betterment, I suppose.
Thanks for the comments and follow!
3739058
Do you have multiple accounts or have you only bothered posting this one? (better to have a handful of terrible completed things than one interesting thing forever a work in progress)
3739073 I've only ever posted things here. As far as other projects go, I did a oneshot back in October for /fic/'s Halloween write-off, but it needs editing and general fixing of assorted problems.
You can has review!