Finding the Hay in a Stack of Needles

by Twilicorn

And the Ones I Did

So that's my story. That's why I'm here, in her bedroom, with one of her scarves wrapped around my neck. If I'm truly this worthless, then I think I'm just going to let it go. Look at that, Rarity. I beat you this time. You thought you could stop me, by saying I couldn't leave. By wearing me down so much I felt worthless. But I know I am. You succeeded, at least halfway.

The scarf's kinda itchy. I chose a pretty one, one with reds and blues and oranges and yellows and whites and purples. It was in a box with my name on it. The hardest part was tying it without magic, but I just tied it around a stick then loosened it to fit over my head.

She always said she loved my mane when it was down, so I took it out of it's ponytail. It's kinda pretty, I suppose. Not as pretty as she used to be to me.

I'm dressed up nice too. I borrowed the dress from the box with my name on it too. It's big and puffy white, like a cloud. It has a pretty yellow band around the waist, and a little red apple on the side. I crawled up on top of her bed. I feel a little bad, because her bed's so pretty and I got it messed up, but I'm sure she won't mind. It is just a bed, after all.

Anyways, I climbed up onto her bed, and it's nice under my hooves. Then I stepped up onto her dresser, then onto a taller one. Then I tied the rope up to the bar across her ceiling, and I'm ready now.

I know from Twi's old books that it's faster if I jump down instead of swing off, so I will. I wrote a nice letter to her, d'ya wanna see it?

Dearest,

I used to love you. Now you abuse me, and I just can't love you anymore. I'm sorry, I suppose, but it's mostly your fault. I should've said something sooner, but I didn't. So here's two words I will say, the only two I'll really say.

Good bye.

That's all I really have to say, and I think I'll jump now. I'm awful sorry about it, and I know my other friends will miss me a little, but they'll get over it. So I'll say it one last time, and then I'll jump.

Good bye.

~*~

The elegant mare trotted into her room, a scowl plastered across her face.

"That worthless waste of space. Missing all day. I love her, I think. She's such a pain though."

She turned towards her bed, flipped on the lights, and screamed.

There hung 'that worthless waste of space', strung up by a specially made scarf with the dress the mare had made on her. The worst part was the expression though.

Her eyes were open, full of apology and shame, though empty at the same time. A note was clenched tightly in her teeth, but the only words the mare caught were 'good bye' before she vomited. Running out of the room, she rushed to the hospital, and the nurse returned with a bored look on her face until she saw who it was.

~*~

"I stand before you today," began Princess Celestia, tears in her eyes, "to bring sorrow. One of our own is gone today, by her own hoof. We know what drove her to it, which is why yet another is imprisoned. I apologize for them, and I apologize to all of you. You trusted the Elements of Harmony to be your saviors, and they brought destruction upon themselves. We will all mourn for them, for while only one is truly gone, the other should be. Today shall be remembered as the Apples' Day, to remember our loss for all eternity. Please step forward if you show wish to say your farewells."

Four mares and a dragon approached the open casket first, tears filling their eyes. One was simply red eyed and nosed, another with flattened hair. Yet another seemed to have a completely white mane, as if all color had vanished. The final was hidden behind a sheet of pink hair. The dragon was purely downtrodden, looking as if his heart had been wrenched from his chest and eaten in front of him. They all set flowers into the casket, then turned. One stepped towards the podium.

"She was one of us. I am Magic like she was Honesty, and Generosity is now gone. We shall all mourn them for all times, but remember what they did to themselves. It was not a selfish act, nor was it selfless."

She turned and walked away, then broke into a run. The white-maned mare followed, flying droopily in a half-attempt to catch up. The flat-maned one seemed to melt into the ground, becoming a shapeless lump. As they all began to break apart, a single thought echoed through all their minds.

'Good bye,' it whispered, with the faintest scent of apple cinnamon. 'Never forget me.'

They all perked up, just the tiniest bit then, but it was just that. A tiny bit. Unnoticeable. But it was comforting to each of them as they nearly gave in.

~*~

In a scruffy dungeon sat the same elegant unicorn, her eyes sunken and her mane destroyed. She heard the whisper too, but it had more.

'Never forget what you did to me. Never forget,' it warned, and the mare began to sob. A guard outside the cell turned to see her, a look of disdain on his face. He had been warned that she had to be guarded carefully. She was risky, potentially mental. Why the Captain of the Royal Guard was called to guard it, even he didn't know. But when he turned to look at her, he was shocked. He had known this mare once, and now she was broken.

Broken, lost. One to be forgotten. But she had a few words to say as well.

"I'm sorry."

Comments

[Twilicorn]

Fighting to be
In before the
Rest of you all
Say that you
Took first.

There is one more chapter, titled "Where I am Now".

[epicdonus1123 BOT]

[Yasturo]

1669601 Poem at the comments

[Duskrider]

1671641 Funny enough this is what tipped the scales into me putting it on my read later list.

[Slender Dash]

The white maned one was Rainbow Dash, right?

[Yasturo]

1671726
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[Yasturo]

Good... Good... This story pleases me..
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[Twilicorn]

1671815
Eeyup.

[Baree]

Yeah, no. There is pretty much no story and what little there is us out of character or unexplained.

[Duskrider]

I must say that I find the concept interesting that you've put out here and by no means is this a topic to go into lightly, and it is certainly one that warrants plenty of reflection and writing. The story itself is pretty well written mechanically, it may be a bit choppy a times with far too many short clauses strung together, but none of that detracts from the storytelling, and honestly that's more than can be said for the vast, vast majority of stories on this site.

That being said, the characterization of both Rarity and Applejack had me pulling my hair out throughout the entire piece. The ways that the both of them were acting through the first chapter were implausible but possible. They don't match up with how either react to difficulty or confrontation in canon. Now granted, if there was some explanation as to how they got to those points I could understand where they were coming from, but we've seen Rarity get haughty or pouty or even whiny when she wants something, but she's been dealing with Sweetie Belle destroying various parts of her workshop for years. What in Celestia's name drives her to anger against Applejack and physical violence that she never displayed to Sweetie Belle?

And with Applejack, she's been through tougher times away from her family before, what makes it seem impossible for her to go back to the farm? Where is her thought process in this? Moreover, if I'm reading this correctly this all takes place over the course of a month and a half. A month and a half where Applejack up and leaves the farm that she had spent almost all her waking days working on, goes to Rarity and somehow gets her entire self esteem demolished, nay her entire persona destroyed. It seems in-congruent with a pony so prideful as to set up a series of competitions to prove who is best pony.

At the end of it, the characters felt generic, as though they could be replaced by anyone in the abuser and abused role. There's hardly a mention of Applejack's family or Sweet Apple Acres. There's no mention of Sweetie Belle at all so far as I can see. There's very little to actually identify the two ponies as themselves, besides the few references to Rarity dress making and the scarf. I know that everyone believe firmly in the En Medias Res, but that doesn't necessarily mean start in the middle then go back and give the full exposition from the top. I think this might have been helped a lot by starting somewhere closer to the start, such as with the first drunken night for example. What this would do is let you establish the characters as you see them and develop them to where you want them to be for Applejack's big fall. What I feel here is a massive disconnect between canon and where your characters start, and because the exposition is being told through the eyes of present Applejack we never see that development, we're just asked to accept that this is the way they both are.

This, of course, is intensified by the issue of we don't really have a good time frame for when this is happening. The best we have is the "White Maned" reference saying that it is in the distant, distant future; however it could also be a trauma so that is unclear. Without a frame of reference, it's difficult to put Rarity and Applejack in a relatable frame of mind. If they are still in their 20s, then a drunken mistake turning into a relationship makes sense, but both of them simply need to be closer to the way they are in canon because they have had less time to develop from that. Additionally, important things like Applejack's family and the CMCs need to be explained because they are such an important part of both ponies' lives. If they are older in terms of the mane reference then I'm left wondering how they get to such a state as I would expect older ponies to act in a more responsible manner in every stage of this relationship and deviations from that would also need to be explained.

At the end of the day, the story is by no means bad or poorly written. However, as I think about it, you could practically replace both characters with anyone, even two humans or any sentient beings, and the story could play out the same or even better because we aren't starting with the preconceptions of the two characters and the the questions of their history. With lack of better word, that kinda makes the entire characterization a little generic.

Anyways, that's my two bits.
Your friendly TWE,
-Duskrider

[Roker999]

I bet everyone who thumbed this down didn't even read the fanfic, they just saw "Applejack and Rarity together"

[Sib]

I think the main problem here is that you aren't giving enough time to explain why these two very different characters are together in the first place. Any pairing can be believable if done well and if the audience is given proper time to get used to the idea, but this story just dives right in.

[The Princess Rarity]

Why can't I upvote more than once?

[Yasturo]

1673264 Them trolls.

[Ten Speed]

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Well written though, will be tracking.
I expect there will be an explanation as to why they started dating and why they seem... out of character?
Maybe some more detail or reference throughout to distinguish characters?

Personally I cant believe AJ would ever do something like that or at least stand up for herself.

[Just Some Random Guy]

I am intrigued... And look, there is only one more dislike than like, I'll just even them out for you.
I will have to say one thing. OCC MUCH!?

But it was well written, so... Take my upvote, but keep it between us.

[Librarian]

I love concept, but story moves too fast and skips important details.

For example, it doesn't show how Rarity turned into control freak. It just says so.

It doesn't explain why Applejack decided to end her life rather than just leave(it just states that AJ couldn't "leave her physically,").

It doesn't explain why Applejack didn't fight back(and that's actually very important part for this AJ character: not fighting back because she was afraid to fight back and not fighting back because she thought that her single hit would end Rarity's life are very different reasons).

We don't know how AJ got her inferiority complex("I'm worthless. Maybe I am")

Still upthumbed and tracking.

[justanothermonday]

Um.... why can't she leave?

That's what I would have done, in a heartbeat.

[MisterManAndMissLady]

Haven't read it yet, love the idea, but apparently the plot is lacking or something based on the comments.

*Edit*

Wow, that wasn't bad at all. Could have been a well draw out story instead of just a summary of a story, but it was still good.

[frustrated456]

FEELS! This isn't my favorite pairing but, I decided to read it anyhow and.... the feels.... I love it!

[Yasturo]

No new chapter?
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