Fluttershy and rainbow dash goes flying but somthing goes wrong short sweet one shot
Chapters (2)
fabianguzman18
Joined 16th Mar, 2012 ·
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1830876 I think it was to fast paced its just i need to write something
Okay, I scanned the text. Not readed, just scanned.
First thought: Big wall of text, this will put any new readers off immediately.
Secondly:
This is pretty much the definition of 'in a nutshell' with a slice of Mary Sue-ness (natural gift for magic, really?)
Also, the grammar mistake in the description doesn't really promise high quality writing
Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash go flying but something goes wrong. A short, sweet, one-shot.
Even that description is 'in a nutshell'
1830880 this story was supposed to be longer, but my impatience caused me to write everthing at a faster pace,
...
Eh...
It's... ok...
Better than my first story in everything, except grammar. (although my dialogue sucked :p)
Words of advice, the thing you did at the end is a big no-no, you need to build up to it! And Mary-Sue much?
Sorry if I come off as mean, but I really want to see you improve.
1830908 Okay I finally searched up mary sue and yes its there i'm sorry
Would you perhaps be interested in working with an editor?
1830878 I know the feel man, my editor kinda went poof and I really don't want to wait to start writeing again....he said he was gonna change a bit of the end so I can't write the next chapter till he's done.
Hmmmm, its not that bad, but it definitely needs some work, now i'm not a great reviewer, but I shall try to help you to the best of my ability!
Alright, first off, don't write (or type) out the number 1000 in a story, say one thousand instead, same goes to the rest of the numbers you used. Another problem I saw is that you would sometimes use feet instead of hooves, but that's not a big deal but you should really make sure they are referred to as hooves, for some people will down vote for inconsistency. DBZOrDie made a lot of good pointers to some of the issues your story has, but this looks like it may have some potential, I could see that you put some work into this and well, your descriptions weren't as bad as some other stories I have run into.
So just keep at it my fellow author, we all make mistakes with are early works, best of luck to you!
1831536 yeah next fic i write you can edit
1832302thanks
1832130 maybe i can edit?
1832130 1832588 I edit/comment for anyone who wants help, and I can help you with plot planning or other things that you might be stumbling on. Just send me a PM if you've got something you want me to go over.
It's okay, could have been better, I expect great things from you
WHERE'S THE E DAMMIT, WHERE IS THE eEEEeeEeeEEeeee!!/1!?11/?!?!
1842706 what e?
You should let Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash get married. But they are both so nervous that they share their memories of how they came together.
Bro, commas.
The grammer police need to come arrest you. I will give you -50/10
3450545 okay i know this story sucks but ive improved